Where are the quiet kind men please?

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Sorry, this isn't for me. I have been in the same relationship for years.

But my best mate is having a shit time. She's late 50s and a few months ago found out her partner of 8 years has left her for his affair partner (unknown up until he decided he was off).

She's devastated, as they had plans to retire together etc. before him she was single for 10 years and her children have grown up.

I know she needs to take time to heal, but after that, where can she meet someone? She's reluctant to try online dating or pub and clubs as she is quite quiet and serious (but not boring). All her friends, like me, are married.

I've suggested maybe book clubs or evening classes, but I'm out of my depth as I haven't dated for decades.

Could I ask please, is there anything I can suggest? I'm happy to go to things as her wing woman if that's a thing still?

Unfortunately the answer is mostly "already in relationships".

My Mum met her second husband through her best friend though. He was a friend of her husbands, and they thought they were suited, so colluded to get them both down the pub at the same time.

They do exist, I left an abusive marriage, took a year to myself grieving my marriage, nuturing myself and my children and trying to find us a new home. I then began a relationship with a lovely man who was great fun who then unfortunately passed away suddenly when we were going out almost three years, our mutual friend who was single in his early 50s asked me to go walking with him to remember our friend, my late bf, and after a few months I wondered if it was platonic, and turns out that he was allowing me time to grieve and we're in a relationship for about 18 months now.

Sometimes they're right under your nose!
But definitely she needs to have time alone to grieve her relationship, the future she thought she had with that man and to be happy alone before she allows anyone else in.

I am 54 and amicably divorced a few years ago, after a 25 year marriage.
I met a lovely guy on Hinge- he is a bit geeky/nerdy but really kind and fun and attractive.
I agree with a PP- if you rule out trying OLD, your chances of meeting anyone are much reduced IMO.

On Dating Thread 243. They are getting fed up with Apps and I mentioned Pub Quizzes.
Cars, motorbikes, and heritage railways. Wall to wall with men. Maybe NOT the cream of the crop looks or style wise.
Transport museums and Railways always want Volunteers. It is OK to try something new. You do not have to do catering.

My BIL is a guard on a railway. Some women are but you might need to be fit.

Introverted nerds can also be incels or harbouring weird fetishes.
If he is that nice he stays married or one of the women he knows IRL will ask him out so he's barely single if he ever wants someone. There are waiting lists on nice men.

Does your friend actually want another man or are you saying you think she'd like one?

IME she'll need to learn to enjoy life on her own first, before finding anyone decent. That's no guarantee that she will but shitty men can home in on "desperate" women. Good ones seem (to me) to be attracted to women who are perfectly OK and enjoying life without them.

Develop some interests, join groups, for the sake of enjoying the activity first and foremost. If she finds someone special, (or a succession of fun but unsuitable men 😆) that's a fringe benefit.

I laughed at this because its true. My group has the loveliest, funniest gentlemen you could ever meet they all ADORE their partners (be it same sex or not)

We have some older single men (one of which gives off serious Henry Cavill looks and vibes) They all seem to all be balanced and very interesting. All run their own houses are clean, tidy and generally respectful and respectable... they just run on more of a introverted scale so tend not to go out and meet women.

This is absolutely true!

This, why can't people just be happy single ?

^^ Yup. This. My kind, devoted and quiet husband is a (quite well known in the community!) mini painter. His hobbies are mini painting and DND (which we play together with our friends).

OP, I met my husband online. There are definitely good ones out there and I hope your friend can find one when she feels ready :)

This is a great tip. Are there men in their 50s/60s there too, or just younger ones? And how does someone join a group please?

Try the Dull Men's Club on Facebook. Or they're at Men's Sheds.

First of all, I just wanted to say that to @LNY1986 that I find your post extremely negative and condescending. Of course women can be on their own, but maybe they don't want to be on their own ALL the time. Also, it is not true that these men don't exist. And to @Winterday1991 - Not everyone wants to be on their own all the time. Why should they? Maybe you are, and that's great for you, but it doesn't mean everyone has to.

I'm 60 and recently separated after a fairly long relationship with someone I met via OLD after I separated from the father of my DC. Sure, it's not easy to meet men (at least decent ones) at this age. But why should we just have be happy being single? Or be on our own all the time? I enjoy going out and being in a healthy relationship. I have my own house and car and am financially independent - I don't NEED a man, no, but I'd like to find someone with similar interests to share the good times and the bad. Most of my friends are in long-term relationships, so it's not easy. I have tried OLD and have been on a few dates and it is one way of meeting men, but you have to be very careful of course. I have also joined several hiking groups and am volunteering - these are things I enjoy. If I meet someone, great, if not at least I am having fun and getting exercise!

Agree with nerds. My current partner is a nerd and he’s incredibly kind, thoughtful, intelligent, funny and just all round decent. I don’t agree with “if they’re nice they’re never single” though. Relationships can amicably run their course, people can choose to be single. Mine had never had a proper relationship til we met because he was a bit shy and focused on his friends and career instead.

I actually know many quiet, kind men. As you'd expect, many of them are taken.
To be honest, does she need and want a man? I'm 48 and happily married. If we ever split up or DH died I think I'd find being on my own absolutely wonderful. Those years of wanting a man are way behind me (although I stay with DH because we're happy and he's lovely). If this is something she really wants then like people say she could try walking groups, group holidays for single people, volunteering, joining the church. I have a lovely quiet and very kind friend who never dated until his 40s.he net guys wife at church.
But really, there's nothing wrong with being alone.

Totally agree!

U3A, the gym/cycling/boating clubs, gardening volunteer groups, ceramic studios, out dog walking - that sort of place is where I'd look.

To reply to those asking if/why she wants a partner, yes she does. She feels that it will be very hard to meet one because she isn's extroverted and works from home, so doesn't meet many people.

I think it's all well and good for people who are in relationships to say single people should be happy as they are, but some people would rather share their lives, and I think that's valid too.

I totally agree. I work from home too. So, it's hard to meet new people. And I have married friends who are constantly saying there is nothing wrong with being on your own etc. Some of them have been in relationships for over 30 years, so I'm not sure how they can relate to my situation at all😊

They don't exist. Sorry. Your friend has grown up children and is now into her 50s. It sounds like she has had a fair dose.of crap blokes.
Now that she's older and the hussle and hustle of rearing a young family is (presumably) behind her now can't she just spend some time in her own company, enjoying hobbies and life on her own terms?
Or is she one of those that has to have a partner sniffing round her ankles constantly. Why can't women be alone???

That's a bit harsh. Most of us don't see a loving relationship as having to 'have a partner sniffing around (their) ankles constantly'. Most of us do enjoy or hope to have a happy companionship with someone and quiet, kind men absolutely DO exist. I've been married to one for 18 years and have lots of friends with really lovely husbands. But the hobbies thing is a really important point though. We met through a shared interest and I think it's a really good way not just to meet someone but to keep that spark as well.

Quiet, kind men are quietly volunteering - and not all of them are married.

But I second looking to America - they're not shy about asking and it's a confidence booster if nothing else.

Ohhh so sweet kf you taking care of your friend.

i think that OLD at this age would be best. There she can filter for the appropriate age etc. i think let her spend sometime alone. After all, love comes when you least expect it. Then discuss it and help her to set up an online profile.
in the meantime spend woth her and other female friends some girl time

I read a pretty good book called “get the guy” he highlights the importance of getting out and meeting people and explains how to practice it but also warns against doing things you don’t enjoy just to meet men because it’s likely you won’t have anything in common.
I love dungeons and dragons but haven’t met any eligible men doing it. I’d suggest giving it a go for fun but if it’s not her thing try something that is.

Sorry to piss on your bonfire, but my ex played Warhammer.

He was an abusive, manipulative cheat.

You can get mean nerds though: people who split the bills down the middle exactly, obsessive gamers (fine if you are too), cynical because they’re not alpha.