I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

It seems petty, but it was a flip point for me.

I'm suggesting that from his perspective he might have thought she should have done the housework before she relaxed.

This is not what I think, this is what I think he was proabably thinking. What I was suggesting was that I can imagine it being something my dh would do - in spoilt tantrum infantile kind of way. I was offering my perspective as a person in a similiar position.

It's REALLY not petty. That's the thing. It's an outrageous thing to do. Remember that please. Be outraged.

I guess thats fair if that was all he had done, but if you read the other posts you will see it's just a small thing after a series of others.

If DP came home and I was sat reading a mag and he thought I should've done the hoovering first he would say something like 'Comfy there, good mag? Hoover broken?' and that would be it.
Because that is a normal reaction to something you're not happy about, ripping up the mag and tipping away her drink was terrible IMO.

(that last post was for binkle)

I agree it would really piss me off.

Good Luck TDWP

I'm going to bed.
I don't think binkle is trying to question you TWDP, or that you're suffering, so please don't feel you need to justify it.
It is abuse, and you knwo this now.
Get DD, go to bed an snuggle up.
Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day, and a new phase for your relationship, you just need to choose which path you walk down and whther you take DH down it with you.
xxxx

If my dh ever thought it appropriate to punish me because the state of the carpet, I would be horrified.

Primark - you are right. These things are accumalative. One incident never seems significant, but the whole picture is HUGELY significant, and sometimes it just takes one thing to show you that.

Do not think binkle can or should compare her dh with anyone elses, nor her reaction to him.

It seems that in this situation the dh wishes to be King Pr*ck and overpower TDWP using undermining and aggressive tactics.

Piss in his coffee.

I take your point Elephant and what can I say?
I understand my input not welcome and will leave the thread now.

I do wish you good luck Devil and hope things work out for you.

dh knows that we could pay someone heaps to do what I do for free.

I'm a learning support assistant, I support teenagers with special needs and behavioural problems, he can't argue with that. But my God it has upped my confidence no end! I now have a repetoire of answers up my sleeve that I use on just about everyone. But I can still be reduced to tears. Just the other day dh found me huddled n a corner in tears because ds said he loved me, at the end of a day when I'd been told to fuck off twice and been called a tosser and wanker.

It's a sign of bravery when you wear your heart on your sleeve. Be proud that you can open up, not everyone can.

You fucking work. Who else teaches those kids? Who else is there when they are ill/upset? Does he want them to grow up to be him? Do a bit of probing, find out why, he might understand himself. If not, you and your kids need respect or else it's a self destruct button you press.

thinking of you, wishing you the best whichever path you choose

Devil, what your DP did was every bit as much an act of agression as if he had slapped you for not doing the hoovering. His behaviour was all about sending you the message that he's the boss, you're his property and he has every right to punish you. Adults do not 'punish' one another in loving relationships. Also (and I appreciate that I don't know your precise situation) you have mentioned a lot of verbal/emotional aggression, but if this is the first time he has done something like this - destroying property, depriving you of food/drink - then his behaviour is escalating. And if you don't take some steps now, maybe it won't be the next time, but the time after the time after that... it will be a slap, or a punch, or a kick. Sending you lots of sympathy and strong-woman vibes. You are better than this bullshit and you do not have to accept it, however you choose to address the issue.

Well done for posting TDWP. It's the hardest thing - to feel like you are admitting to a failing.

Of course there is no failure on your part at all, but his behaviour has led you to believe that.

Counselling for you is a good idea. Although, it wont change him. So, you might have a battle on your hands. But, it's worth changing how you deal with things and seeing how he responds to that. At least you could say that you tried.

Good on yer rhubarb This is what MN is good at.

Easy to say I know but I'd get out of there: your husband is a violent man: you deserve better, and so do your kids. You are not to blame for his behavior, he is.

How are this morning TDWP?

Just read this thread through. Not much really to add to everything people have already said. Just wanted to say I was thinking of you, and admire you're strength in opening up about it.

You can't change your DH. You can't ever change yourself enough to please your DH. You aren't a mind-reader and you're not an emotional contortionist. You are not required to anticipate his every whim in order to be a good wife/mother/person. If he decides to change, of his own volition; accepting and respecting you entirely for who you are then maybe things can move forward. Until then - please get the help and support you need to rebuild and recover. This is not your fault.

Hi TDWP - I have just read this through too.

You are not at fault. None of this is your fault. If the floor needs hoovering and you decide you would rather have a coffee and read a mag - you are an adult and can make these decisions for yourself. No-one has the right to come in and treat you like a slave.

I am a lazy mare - esp since discovering MN! DH might raise his eyes to heaven if stuff hasn't been done. He might even sigh a bit. But that is about it.

Do you think you could talk to him about it all? How would he react if you told him his behaviour was unacceptable?

Verbal Abuse

When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling insulting names at the victim, and while this obviously does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling. The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (e.g. you've got a mind like ditchwater; you're stupid; etc.), he may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (i.e. who you think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.

Verbal abuse can include:

• yelling or shouting at you
• making threats
• insulting you or your family
• being sarcastic or mocking about or criticising your interests, opinions or beliefs
• humiliating you either in private or in company
• sneering, growling, name-calling
• withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
• refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
• laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
• leaving nasty messages
• accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing something to annoy
• blaming you for his failures or other forms of abuse

All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.

From the website here

Hi TDWP

I am late to this thread but you have received a lot of good counsel here, I hope you find the strength within you to act now for your sake as well as for your children.

My friend is in an abusive controlling relationship too, she is desparately trying to find the strength within her to get the hell out. Her 4 year old daughter is being badly affected by their home life.

This earlier comment of yours is actually typical of how controlling abusers operate:-
"it's been small drips, and highs and lows.
Sometimes we go through an amazing patch, and sometimes just weeks of bad times".

Apart from talking to a counsellor I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. This explains how and why controllers operate the way they do. These people do not change, often they operate in such a manner because of damaging behaviour patterns learnt in childhood. Would not be surprised to read that one or both of his own parents act in a controlling manner too.

You cannot save him but you can save your own selves. His controlling behaviours will likely transfer to your own children in time, they are also learning from both of you about relationships.

Good Morning! Just wondered how you are feeling today after your chatting last night - not that I could find anything to say!!!! Just wanted to say hi,

I have been through dv too and just remember that bruises heal- the emotional abuse takes longer.

Good luck- stay strong- you can and will get through it!

xx