I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

Hi DWP - I hope last night's hard work gave you a peaceful night's sleep, and you've woken up with renewed strength. You have lots of support here - please carry on leaning on all your friends here.

morning TDWP.

Just wanted to check with you how things are this morning.

I have come late to this thread but your dp is bullying you - it sounds as though you have realised this which is definitely the first step to change. Good luck, and remember self esteem is a very precious thing, don't let anyone knock yours like your dp does.

Have read through your thread and want to send you support and echo what others have said, particularly about not doubting yourself and thinking you may have done something to make him be like this. None of it is your fault. He has undermined you for so long. I have no advice but want to send you support and strength.

I just wanted to come and see if you are ok this morning read the great of the thread and you have had some great advice

p.s I think that your best friend might have an inckling something is quite right my best friend did and I would never have been as brave as you were last night

Gd, isn't it awful that these men do this? I am finally closing the door on my relationship. I have stayed with my (dp) for 10 odd years even though he has been emotionally and physically abusive. I feel ashamed that I stuck it out.
I am now beginning too remember the person I was before he took control of me.

He won't hug me he says that would be 'prostituting himself' .

He once headbutted me whilst I was perched on the side of a cot cuddling 11 month old dd3 whilst 6 months pg with ds3. .

I really hope you manage to get things sorted out.

I wish I hadn't posted that now

Kittywise
I don't know what to say, you poor thing. I hope your new life works out, well done for moving on.

I haven't read all the posts but I can see where you are coming from Icant.

Do get counselling at least for yourself - he probably won't want to go, sadly - and think about how you could reasonsbly support yourself initially if you did decide to leave him (I've not read to the end yet so apologies if you have a strategy in place)

I couldn't let this pass without comment since I've been in a simialr situation.

I would also recommend ringing the Samaritans. They cannot give advice but will give you time to express your thoughts which is sometimes the thing you want most of all. The part I found frustrating in my r'ship was being told that my opinion was of no use and to shut up!!

how are you feeling today????

TDWP - I've only read the first bit of this but couldn't not post. I'm glad you've found the strength to begin to deal with this. You deserve better.

Thanks again everyone.
DH should be home around lunchtime, but then I'm heading out to Brighton for the afternoon with my DC's to visit my cousin.
I might talk to her about this.

I'm feeling surprisingly postitive this morning. I'm going to drastically change my behaviour and not give in to him.

I'll catch up with you tomorrow.

TDWP, I understand that if, for example your DH were to read this he might say we were a load of hysterical women going off on one, I also know in the cold light of day it's easy to shove it under the carpet and feel like you're overreacting so I want to tell you my DP's reaction when I just read him your post about the magazine and coffee, just that one post.
"That's abuse, what a wanker, she shouldn't put up with it".
That's without him knowing the rest of the story, so if at any point you start to think maybe we're exaggerating or getting a bit hysterical (as women can be inclined to do ) remember that no-one thinks it is normal.
I know when I was suffering my friends would be all and 'oh, god, poor you' type thing but I used to think his friends would think I was overreacting. I wasn't! and nor are you.

How are you getting on Icanttakeanymore? It sounds a bit as though your husband has very little respect for you. Does he treat his work colleagues in the same way? Does he abuse people in the pub/shop?

I expect he keeps it specially for you, and it's nothing to do with you. You won't change him however much you would like and however much you want to see the good side of him.

Womens Aid is a brilliant source of advice and support. NACAP is getting bigger and better as help and support for abused people. You may find Kickbully.com helpful although it's mostly about workplace bullying.

My father is still in the process of destroying lives and my mother suffers terribly through living with him.

I'm so sorry to sound so harsh. It's pretty horrible to watch the long-lasting effects and consequences of dv.

Your thread is the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning. I think telling people "on the outside" is so important - Rhubarb, your cousin, your friend (who will support you, new baby or not) - because it will strengthen your position and weaken his. His power over you is in part based on isolating you and presenting the myth of the perfect relationship to the world outside. Start chipping away at that now. I wish you all the very best. You sound so much stronger already - please don't lose that.

Seconding VS's post - DH's jaw dropped in horror when I told him your story - he was shocked and disgusted at what you've gone through.

I haven't time to read the whole thread (note the hour) but just from your first couple of posts, DWP, you could be my mother speaking. She has put up with this kind of behaviour from my father for more than thirty years and is still doing it.

I spent my whole childhood walking on eggshells for that idiot, watching him treat my Mum like dirt, apologising to her with tears running down my face because I thought I'd caused his latest explosion.

He's not hit her, to my knowledge, but there was the occasional threat of violence which, in my opinion, is almost as bad. Men like this want you to be cowed, subservient and spending your whole life looking after their interests before your own and even before that of your children. They are misogynysts to the man.

To this day, I have little to do with my parents because we're not at all close and I feel like playing happy families is condoning his behaviour. He was the one dishing it out, but I resent her quite a lot for doing nothing about it. She is the only one with the power to do that, and I always wondered why she thought we weren't worth getting out of it for (he behaved similarly, though not as badly, to us children). Your children worship you, they deserve to see their mother standing up for herself and for them. They are an extension of you, anything that hurts you, will hurt them.

Hopefully, by this point in the thread I'm preaching to the converted. But just in case, don't waste your time for your sake and your children's.

How are you doing, DWP?

DWP.. i just wanted to say that i think you're being really brave.

My DH is 13 years older than me and is verbally/emotionally bullying me, Stupid stuff like threatening to throw all my stuff in the garden if i don't clear it away, or coming down and switching the internet and my laptop power off if he thinks i should be in bed... on his birthday he told me the presents id bought were terrible and yelled at me for waking him up to give him breakfast in bed. I get told off if i don't do things exactly the way he wants them done.. thats just the tip of the iceberg.

I have been taking baby steps to try and change things around here, including telling him i won't tolerate it from him anymore.

I know its hard, and i appreciate it can make you feel panicky when you're doing something you know they don't like.. but stick to your guns. you can do it.

Don't forget too, that one of the evils of abuse is that the victim often blames themselves. Remember at school? Who here hasn't been bullied? And at some point you would have thought, "it's because I'm quiet/wear the wrong shoes/live in the wrong area/have the wrong figure etc." That's how abusers get, and maintain, their power. So right now you might be thinking, "it's because I'm not organised enough, or tidy enough, or patient enough, or sexy enough, or understanding of his needs, or too emotional" That's how they carry on. So few women report what is happening or have the conviction to stop it because they truly believe that it is their fault in some way, and if they were to change things, it might stop.

They automatically take both the blame and the responsibility.

Don't fall into this trap. Please. What you are going through is not normal. It's bullying.

Let us know how you are.

Hope you had a good time in brighton with the dc & had time to reflect DWP.
Am concerned though you have not checked back in as you said you would...
Please let us know you are ok

thinking of you to TDWP x