I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

rhubs is a smashing woman...you have found a friend for life in her....she is a warrior woman, and isnt given the recognition she deserves as a truly wonderful human being....she is a rock for true friends x

TDWP - I worry that if you don't sort things out with your dp now, that other thread will be you.

Please don't let it be.

I've only ever come across her on mumsnet in witty mode as I never posted or read serious threads too much before.

It's crazy how your perception can change when you actually speak to someone in RL.

I wish Rhubarb was my next door neighbour. She'd be boiling the kettle all day.

ol well i hope you fee better after your chat with her x remember you are worth more than this sweetheart, and whether you think so or not...you are suffering from serious mental abuse

primark, what I got from you was your bravery and honesty. You were not afraid to say how you felt and what was going on - to a stranger! You are one strong woman and never, never let that be taken from you. I am confident that you'll move on from this, that you'll go from strength to strength. You impressed me with your honesty and insight into what was happening. You are so obviously intelligent, so obviously insightful, maybe he feels threatened by that? You met him when you were both very young, do you think that he feels threatened because he knows, as we do now, that you are so much more intelligent and insightful than he is? You doubt yourself now, you think he is worth more than you, when you were at Uni you would never have questioned yourself in that way. I only had to say half a sentence and you got the rest. You knew.

I have faith in you. You'll be an inspiration to your children, you'll take from this the positives and you'll grow.

I was impressed by you. You are not a victim, you are a survivor.

With dear Rhubarb (and the rest of us virtually) in your corner, it's a start. Good luck TDWP. You know you are worth more than this.

i really hope that this thread gives you the inspiration and self worth you need to stand up to this bully x

A small step. DD is upset (teething) so I brought her to the sofa. I then panicked as I knew DH would be pissed off if he came in and saw her there. Then remembered he isn't back tonight, and even if he was then fuck his opinion.

Thanks to everyone else of course. Mumsnet can be an amazing place.
You are all brill.

exactly fuck him al together

Oh and I just realised my post 'outing' myself was removed by mnhq.
Thanks for those concerned.

I hope he does read this now.

I think YOU are brill actually. It took a lot of bravery to realize all the things you have tonight.

He has some serious control issues doesn't he?

I'm curious about the 'amazing father' bit. How does he manage that whilst belittling you?
He does not sound like a good man.

Thanks to Rhubarb for the 'small steps' advice. It would be silly and maybe even dangerous to want or expect a big sudden change.

Janni he really is a great dad, just when it suits him.

he may be a really great dad but your children will not be obivious to the treatment you recieve off him as they get older

oblivious is what i meant to put

a great dad treats his kids' mother with respect.

a person who abuses the mother of his children isn't a great dad.

TDWP, do you think it's salvagable?
Do you think he'd get help? would he be able to admit that he has control issues that maybe he doesnt even realise or hates about himself?
Would you feel safe talking to him about it?

You really are at a crossroads here, it could be the saving grace of your relationship before things go so far you can never forgive him, it might be the time you decide to get out. But either way that needs to be your choice.

I think you need to have a long hard think about what you want to do, tonight you have established that it isn;t right, and that it isn;t acceptable and something must be done. Well done for coming so far, now you just need to decide what to do about it.

We'll all be here for you whilst you make those decisions.

He would have a go at you for having dd on the sofa whilst she is teething?

Read that back to yourself. Where is the amazing father in that? I used to bring the kids into my bed even though dh hates having the kids in our bed. If they are ill or in pain, they are in our bed, period. He has to put up or shut up. I would never even consider asking him first.

Take little steps. You know how much you can do and put up with. You have a long road ahead, don't try to do too much. Confide in friends, have support around you, then start making changes knowing that you have support.

Your kids will respect you so much more for being strong. I hated my mum for allowing her new dh to treat us with such contempt. I still hate her for that. She allowed that. You show your kids the real you.

You are great. I feel so happy for you knowing that today, today is when you start to take the steps to true happiness. Today.

Glad he is away tonight DWP - hopefully it gives you enough of a break from him constantly battering your self esteem to build your confidence back up to where it belongs.
He is so obviously in the wrong to all who have read this. Keep reading these posts to remind you that you and your dcs deserve so much better. He can't rip this up - you can log on anywhere and see the proof!
Definitely see if you can get some counselling. You need to be clear in your head what you want to do, when and why so that you are ready to take whatever action you need too. Good luck x

I am in a similiar situation but I dont regard my dh as a bully - I find his behaviour often infantile, spoilt and annoying but I dont feel threatened by it.

He often makes little digs about him being out at work all day earning and me spending time with my friends having a coffee or whatever (he also gripes about me being on MN - I cant really blame him if I am honest - if he spent as long in a chat room as I do on MN I would be fuming).

We have a pretty charmed life - no financial worries etc but that isnt the be all and end all but I dont know, I accept that he expects me to be little housewifey and him the big breadwinner..however, I dont always - sometimes make a point of not - living up to his expectation and if he doesnt like it then oh well. I tend to switch off to his silly demands. Now if I was scared of him that would be a different matter but I just dont think of him as a bully. Control freak - yes, definately, but only in his own mind - he has no real control over me because I refuse to relinquish it and sometimes its hard to fight your corner but relationships aren't perfect and it is a battle sometimes.

It's a wobbly medium at times but mainly a happy one because I wont pander to him. I am not suggesting you do by the way Devil and I completely empathise with that feeling of 'it isnt that bad really but it upsets/pees me off so it cant be right. It can be very confusing emotionally.

binkle, it isn;t just infantile behaviour though, ripping up her magazine is aggressive behaviour.
He is using agression to gain control which is different to someone who is a bit whiny or maony about things not being to their standard.
My DP moans that the kds rooms are a mess and I've been hom all day or w/e but in a totally different way to how my XP would belittle me.
I think they are two totally different situations personally.
Unless of course your post wasn't telling us something, but I don't want to accuse you of lying! I hope you know what I mean by that.

I do know what you mean. To me, ripping up the magazine (if it had been my dh) would have been an infantile act - I wouldnt have considered it aggressive. Spiteful definately, but not aggressive. Of course my dh and Devil's are completely different individuals so it maybe that when her dh did it it was done in an agressive way. I want to be clear that I am not making light of Devil's situ - just offering my perspective.

Not sure what you are suggesting Binkle? He ripped up her magazine and poured her coffee down the sink because she hadn't hoovered.

That's not just immature behaviour. It is profoundly controlling and bullying behaviour.