I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

Got it primark, no worries.

rhubarb. Its women like you that women who suffer dv feel they can do something other than feel crap. What a wonderful woman you are. X

Don't feel odd TWDP, I've posted some really personal things on MN, many times, thankfully, it's now because its soemthing I went through and am no longer, so I post to help, but posting because you need help is even more important.

I think sometimes the hardest part is actually speaking out and accepting that what you are experiencing is not right and it is not acceptable. It's very hard to believe that you are a victim of abuse. But, there is no shame in it. There is never any shame in wanting to be able to walk without eggshells slicing at your feet.

VS I am sorry you went through that, and you are amazing and brave to have left it.Your situatation sounds like mine, but it has yet to descend into actual violence for me.

It helps to hear this though, as I can picture how things may turn out.

devil. I felt the same last week. Its a sign of getting the sense of yourself back. I hope this thread is helping you

vs just wanted to thank you for your advice too. The lady at womens aid was so helpful.

I wasn't amazing and brave, I was scared and desperate and tbh fucking vain in my pride of my 'perfectly happy' relationship.
I used to say that I enjoyed doing these things for my ex! what a wonderful gf I must have been making sure dinner was on the table and I was never ever out of the house when he decided to come home

I would act as if everything was perfectly fine, better than fine, but it wasn't.

Sadly, the more you take, the worse it is likely to get. Please get out now, or at the least get him to realise it isn't right.

I used to say to my x 'How would you feel if someone treated DD like this?' his reply? 'i'd crucify them' what in the world made it ok for me to be treated that way then!?

It's not right and once you can see that and eitehr the two of you work on it, or you leave then you can start to be yourself again.

xxx

I'm glad mehdismummy, no-one deserves to be treated anything less than a queen.

A very hard part of it is how we are seen as the perfect family, we were the first of our friends to have children, then had two healthy happy children and are in quite a fortunate position in terms of our finances and situation. But thats not all there is to life.

I know it's awful, but I sometimes wish blokes like this would get the shit kicked out of them.

Oh lovey, you poor thing. WHat a complete shit your partner is. None of this is your fault. Not one tiny bit of it. He is a bully and a predator and he would do it to anyone. Don't think you are stupid for having stuck it out for so long, either: the trouble with this kind of relationship is it's so insidious and the abuse (because make no mistake, this is abuse, horrible abuse) escalates so slowly. You need to get out before the next stage: the physical violence, which will happen and will get worse. Very best of luck to you.

I don't think it's not acceptable for him to treat you like this and your obviously not happy with how things are going. It sounds like it's something that's gotten worse over time and you've obliviously been going along with it to keep the peace.
You've got to decide if you can or want to keep doing this and always remember you have a choice and the control to make things better for you - if that's what you want.
Some outside help is definitley something you should consider...it doesn't have to be bad...look at it as something positive to make your life happier.

Lots of luck.

I'll bet my back teeth that your best friend will have a suspicion that all is not as it seems. That what best friends do, they just "know".

expat, I take great comfort in the fact that many of these men will end up sad and lonely.
I only hope that all the women can come to terms with what is going on and leave before it is too late.
People die from situations that start like this

I think you should read back your messages, about what he expects. Write them down. When he makes you feel that you are overreacting, read them to yourself to remind yourself that no, you are not. Because when I raised concerns I was told I had no sense of humour, that I should put up with comments about my teeth, my boob size etc in front of strangers and if I didn't like it, that I had no sense of humour. I was being paranoid and over-sensitive. I was not.

Primark - there are loads of (dare I say it on here) middle class, comfortably off women with seemingly perfect lives whose husbands treat them like shit. I know because my mum is one. And I completely understand how hard it must be to come out from behind the facade. In some ways, I think the insidious abuse you're getting is much harder to deal with than a smack round the face. At least DV is clear cut - emotional abuse is much easier to justify away - for both the perpetrator and the victim.

It's very very hard to let go of a "perfect picture" of who you think you are, of how you think others perceive you - everyone has these constructs, and having to face the fact they're not true is extraordinarily hard. I'm not surprised you feel shaky - you're doing a lot of very difficult and painful thinking right now.

Emotional abuse is the hardest to detect and the hardest to cure. It's often seen as the worst form of abuse.

You there still?

Sorry I couldn't get my mum off the phone.
Please try again R

Message withdrawn

Being at home is a luxury, but the fact that you're at home doesn't give him the right to treat you like a servant, or a naughty child.
A grown man can get himself up in the morning, as others have said!! And if he's not happy with your contribution, he has no right to punish you.
convince yourself of this!!

I just had a long chat with R. What an amazing woman.
I can't thank her enough for her insight and advice, and just for her willingness to speak for 40 minutes to a 'stranger'.

It actually made me really emotional as I hung up so I might go and cry for a while now, then shake myself together and take some positive steps.

good luck, TDWP.

You are worth so much more than this, hope R helped you to see that.