I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

phew just read through the whole thread

DWP-sounds like he's given your self-esteem a right battering but you are starting to pick yourself up again....

best of luck taking things forward with your dh
hopefully he has taken what you said on board...keep at it

He is a nut job.

It sounds like it may all be fixable, which is great if that's what you want. So much better than the heartache of divorce etc.
I hope you can make it work and be happy, if not then I hope you have the strength to decide when enough is enough.
xxxx

Thanks VS. I am not sure yet, but will give it some time. It's quite wearying suddenly realising how much I do for him and having to battle to not do it anymore.

Very moved by this DWP. Bet it's exhausting to keep on top of. Do you think you could do SOME stuff for him as long it's clear he has to ask nicely/be appreciative and not assume it's his right?

I say this because I'm concerned about his anger levels going into overload at what he might perceive as a militan stance. You could also start asking him to do stuff for you in the same way so he gets an idea how it feels?

He can start the shower running himself and whilst he's waiting for it to heat up, he can go and choose his clothes for the day or make himself some coffee. I'm really not being flippant, but if he's never done this stuff you could suggest how he goes about it without actually doing it yourself.

I can imagine how exhausting it must feel to look at the situation as a whole, but as many have said on this thread, small steps at a time.

yes, exhausting initially but he'll get the hang of it.

"He asked me to start the shower running for him (it takes ages to heat up) and I said 'I'm busy' and left the room."

That's good. Calm refusal so you're not enabling the bad conduct. Try asking him to do a few things for you as an experiment, say buy you some face cream at the chemist's in his lunch break or something.

Sounds like a step in the right direction DWP - stay strong and I really hope he cleans his act up and gets on with being a good dh and Dad

Good idea, Xenia, but face cream possibly risky! My DH is fab, but I do rather dread to think what he'd come home with if I made that request...

Wow TDWP, well done! You must be a very strong and insightful woman.

Your situation is identical to my best friend. She had a "perfect" marriage - huge house, new cars, husband a magistrate and something-or-other in the Catholic church, huge leisure boat in the marina - a lifestyle that many would envy. Behind closed doors though it was a nightmare. Her husband didn't give her a penny for her or the children or housekeeping and she couldn't work as her wages wouldn't cover the childcare. When her savings ran out she sold her possessions to buy food and clothes for the children. In the meantime he'd buy her designer bags and jewellery - he'd spend the money but only on his terms. This carried on for years and nobody knew. He hit her, tried to strangle her and was controlling just as your husband has been. She finally walked out when he shut her 2yo DD in a cupboard as a punishment.

She went back to him after a weekend summit at a hotel and she has completely turned her life around. He gives her a salary, helps with the children and treats her as an equal. It IS possible. Good Luck, I hope you have just as good an outcome.

Send him off to buy something more exciting then like a sex aid in Boots at lunch time. He might be more enthusiastic about fulfilling the request.

As arfishy says there are lots of marriages like that. ours wasn't financially abusive (as I earn more anyway) but it was the same sort of classic situation - where everyone externally thinks it all must be the perfect marriage and family but the children and I know exactly how it was, how he was. I don't imagine most of his friends would believe us but that doesn't matter, we were rid of him and it's over. But good to see some people have been able to stay married and effect the change within the marriage. Some people however are unchangeable and I suppose the question then is can I live with this abuse (as for a time I felt I could) or has it got so bad I can't carry on.

I am feeling okay today, not really thinking about it as I am stressed with trying to sort out our washing machine, and worried and angry about something with my BF.

Can we help with your BF problem DWP? (let us know if you have posted this on a separate thread)

Jackstini it is a seperate thread, I am angry for her, rather than with her.

DWP, just dropping in again to see how you are doing. There are lots of people on here who give much better advice than I can, so I won't, but I'm rooting for you anyway. Stay strong.

Ok I am fecked off again. A friend is playing with her band in London tonight, we agreed that DH could go as we can't get a babysitter. He went out to the pub last night after work and hence has had a hangover all day. He just called from work to say that he can't be bothered to go so I excitedly called a friend to invite her and started thinking about what to wear, but now he has called and said he is too tired to look after the DC so I can't go out.

Err are you ever allowed to be too tired to look after DCs? I would schedule a day this weekend to be too tired. It's not default you job and his when he sees fit. You don't get to choose when you look after them.

for you, but wish I actually had some constructive advice.

Could you just go anyway? What would he do if you did?

He will no doubt hide or snatch my purse if I try.
Plus I wouldn't enjoy myself as I'd be worried about the DC. I know they would be fine but still.

Agree with Bumper -- what would happen if you just go? So he's tired, tough.

IMO...

Now this is classic you enabling his behaviour. I cannot believe any woman in 2008 would actually listen to a pathetic excuse as that from an adult male. You have to say tough - you'll just have to summon up the energy mate. I'm going. I just can't believe you'd give in to that.

Dear ICan't - I am so impressed at how brave you've been in having the courage to write about your situation on here. It might have been a shock for you to realise that his behaviour is IN NO WAY normal or acceptable to other people, because you've already been accepting and putting up with it for so long. But I see my mother in a similar relationship to the one you've described, because the man she is with is an absolute parasite who is sucking the life out of her and dragging her down with him and because she is so kind and loving (much TOO kind and loving) she doesn't see what is happening and it breaks my heart.

I hate to say this but there is a well-known phenomenon of women who 'love too much'. That's to say women who want to do everything for their man and who only want to love and nurture him, or change him, or help him, even when he treats them extremely badly.

You need to value yourself more. This may at first seem like 'selfish' behaviour to you, but you need to put yourself and your needs above him and his needs. Also realise that this man will NOT change until he wants to, and you CANNOT change him, nor will you be able to persuade him to want to change. All you can do is take action to look after yourself. If you need any more evidence of why you should divorce him urgently, then I encourage you to think deeply about the impact that growing up in this environment will have had on your children and will continue to have on them unless you get out and break the cycle and thereby teach them otherwise through your example. If you do not, your children will grow up to act and behave exactly the way he does - in other words they will probably grow up to be comtrolling, insecure, manipulative or victims in their own adult relationships.

Could you live with yourself if this happened, knowing you could have acted to prevent it? Please, this may sound harsh but it's true. If you don't have the courage to divorce him straight away then go and talk to a psychologist first and build up a supportive relationship with a therapist you feel you can trust.

Strength and Courage to you

Surely they would have been in bed, how much would he actually have had to do???

Did you go in the end?? I really hope you did and that you had a great time without him.

my husband was so shocked when he heard about this thread he keeps on asking how it is all going. how are you DWP? we are thinking about you lots.

She didn't go -- he came home, fell asleep and was unwakeable so she didn't feel she could leave him in charge (it came up on another thread).