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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 10/03/2008 19:45

It's very hard in a marriage to know when the conduct you're subjected to is abusive or not. I genuinely didn't realise I was in that position (not over chores but other things) until the moment of revelation and yet what for one woman would be unacceptable grounds for divorce walking out now is not the same for someone else.

You're unhappy with the way he treats you and may not have been unhappy about it before or were more accepting of it before.

So now you have to decide what to do about it.

(a) Could you just accept this is how he is and put up with it?
(b) Might you choose to leave him unless he changes (is he capable of change)?
(c) Is it his fault - he may be depressed or have problems and he's taking it out at home as most people do
(d) would he work with you to improve things so you stay with him?

I don't think the detail of the things really matter but it's how you feel about how he is treating you that does.

"I just got an email from him. I don't know what to make of it really.

He says he is sorry for this morning, but then says I really should have made sure he was up for work.
He then asks what I am planning for dinner and offers to go out and buy something he could make, then follows that with 'but I'm so tired'.

He then reminds me he has some drycleaning to be picked up. i as going to as I know he can't during work hours but I feel like not doing it just to spite him.

That's awful of me isn't it? I don't want to make it tit for tat."

TheHedgeWitch · 10/03/2008 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 10/03/2008 20:07

My God, DWP, you're a saint! My dh gets up earlier than me every morning. A couple of times I've woken up to elbow him out of bed, but it's his responsibility to get up on time, not mine. As so many have said, he's an adult not a child. Disgusting behaviour on his part. And to e-mail you to say it really was your fault I think he needs a few more home truths...

Well done you on standing up to him - do not back down now. You are in the right.

Hope this evening is going ok, did you get his dry cleaning?

Good luck and stay strong.

bossykate · 10/03/2008 20:23

agree with xenia.

Judy1234 · 10/03/2008 20:28

I'm in a different position from women who are happily married and also those unhappily so but together because I went ahead and divorced and it's better after than before in our case but there must have been years when the balance wasn't quite tipped, when the quantum of solace (the name of the new Bond film and Ian Fleming's formula for whether you say or leave, when what you get out of the marriage is zero then you go...) was nothing then I reached my own tipping point and left.

But I don't think people can really say if a husband gets up late or if he bosses a wife around or is controlling that is always wrong if the couple are happy with their own balance.

bossykate · 10/03/2008 20:35

agree again

and i love the phrase "quantum of solace".

SugarSkyHigh · 10/03/2008 20:35

if my dh came in and poured away my drink and ripped up my magazine i would be scared, very scared, because it would be so incredibly out of character. i don't know what to say because i can't imagine myself being with someone like that - i would suggest trying to have a talk, but would he listen ??

clam · 10/03/2008 21:14

I sometimes wonder what would happen if abused partners made their partner's employers aware of their behaviour at home. Would this shame them into sorting themselves out? Or exacerbate things? And sorry, but I don't get why depression would be any sort of excuse.

Habbibu · 10/03/2008 21:15

Sorry, hedgewitch - must have missed your earlier post. Hope improvements continue apace.

clam · 10/03/2008 21:19

I mean, think about it. He won't get up in the morning unless you've brought him coffee and organised his clothes? So, leave him there. Let him take the consequences of being late, due to his own inadequacies. How old is he, FGS? And would he say to his boss, "sorry I'm late, but my mum wife didn't bring me something eggy on a tray this morning."

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 10/03/2008 21:28

When I read the OP I thought shit my ex has married again....

I did not see al lot of which happended to me as abuse as it crept on me and he was v crafty. I realised now that I was worn down,depressed and unable to see clearly.After 5 years I left and when I started to stand up to him, he crumbled.

I am married again now and I KNOW what I endured was serious abuse.My life is so much better now.I used to be so unhappy.

He needs help and you need to get out.

Rhubarb · 10/03/2008 21:43

TDWP. Just want to say that he has had his authority challenged. He doesn't want to give up his way of life, why should he? He's had it pretty darn easy so far. So he's going to fight for it. At the minute that means he'll turn on the charm and he'll try to make you feel guilty again, make you feel that you are going over the top. All this "I'll buy and cook dinner, but I'm so tired" is designed to make you think "Awww he's making an effort bless, but it's my fault that he's tired so I'll make the tea, however he did offer so he's obviously a changed man!"

No. He can ask you if you would pick up his dry cleaning for him, using the word please but he should NOT expect it.

He is a grown man and it is his responsibility to get himself up in the morning, you are not his mother. If he sleeps through the alarm that's his fault. Tell him that's the way it is in future.

You are his wife and his lover. His equal and his best friend. But right now you seem more like his mother, getting him up in the morning, getting his clothes out, picking up his dry cleaning, making his tea etc. He is still being looked after. He has the best of both worlds.

If he wants a mother tell him to go home and live with her. If he wants a best friend and a wife then he'd better start showing you some respect. Would his male best friend do all of this for him? You are entitled to the same respect, you didn't carry him in your womb for 9 months, you chose to live with him on equal terms and raise a family with him. These extra duties were not part of the contract.

Let us know how you are. x

Judy1234 · 10/03/2008 21:46

I think if someone regularly poured your drink away and tore your magazine up yes objectively that's not acceptable conduct even if a woman were happy with it. If it's just occasional because someone is going through a bad patch then that's perhaps different.

As CP says and for me too it kind of happens gradually and you don't realise when you're in it sometimes that conduct is unbearable. Then a point is reached and you can't carry on with that person. Some people never reach that point and stay together.

There is no need to rush to divorce however. There are lots of other things to be done before that like talking, counselling etc etc

Habbibu · 10/03/2008 21:51

Och, even allowing for a bad patch I'd be outraged at that, Xenia. It's not acceptable, it's rude at best and bullying at worst. But I'm like sugar, I'd be so shocked at that because I can't imagine it at all.

orangina · 11/03/2008 10:04

How are things this morning TDWP?

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/03/2008 10:37

I'm good, thanks for asking. I did get his dry cleaning yesterday as I had to drop some things off to be washed (broken washing machine, but thats a whole different story).

We ordered pizza last night and had a talk. I told him that whilst I understand my role in the house is bigger than his as he works full time he should never expect or demand things from me. I also told him that his behaviour towards me was systematic abuse and that I would no longer tolerate it. I don't mind doing things for him so long as it is appreciated, and not demanded. I also asked him how his friends would feel if they were to see the way he treated me. He didn't have much to say. He apologised and said he has been stressed about work. I know this is no excuse so we will give it time and see if things actually change.

This morning I was up early with DD so I took him a coffee as I had made a pot for myself.
He asked me to start the shower running for him (it takes ages to heat up) and I said 'I'm busy' and left the room. I was actually reading the paper and having a coffee, while DD ate her breakfast. No comment was made so I am in quite a good mood today.

fryalot · 11/03/2008 10:38

glad you're in a good moon

It sounds like you're moving forwards, which is good.

milkgoddess · 11/03/2008 10:40

tdwp just wanted to say, you deserve more than this and so do your children, i think you should leave him, at least for a while. if he can seriously change consider taking him back if thats what you want.
but xplain to him your leaving as you do not want your children to end up in a relationship like this
that might mak me realise what a bastard he is.

good luck thinking of you, you've already made hugh steps forward, you know

orangina · 11/03/2008 10:42

All sounding much more positive... well done for going for it and telling him how you feel (sounds silly, but it's not always easy just taking the bull by the horns...). Did he seem contrite, did he understand where you were coming from? Or was it a "keep the peace apology"...? Does he talk to you about what stresses him at work? Will he eventually talk to you about how he felt when you told him what you did?
(Too many questions, sorry!)
Glad you are in a good mood today, long may it last!

Lulumama · 11/03/2008 10:44

am so very glad you have had a talk.... i hope he really listened and took in what you were saying... i hope that things get better

do you think he would go to relate or something like that. some outside help might be beneficial

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/03/2008 10:46

He looked surprisingly guilty and had little to say which is very unlike him. It's usually me who clams up in arguements or serious talks.

I don't think he would accept counselling. He would see it as a sign of weakness. He even hates going to the G.P fgs.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 11/03/2008 10:47

lol at good moon Sqounk.

Buda · 11/03/2008 10:47

Glad you are feeling more positive TDWP. And glad he listened.

fryalot · 11/03/2008 10:48

just noticed that.

Oh well, obviously I didn't do a typo. Obviously I am glad that you are in a good mood, but it is so much more important to have a good moon don't you feel?

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 11/03/2008 10:59

That all sounds really positive. Dont know where you've found the strength for all this but am mightily impressed.

The next few weeks will show whether he listened or not. Good luck.

(Am glad you're in a good moon too)

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