Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:
PotPourri · 10/03/2008 11:34

Not normal chick (sorry not read the full thread). Not all men are like this - many are lazy gits and fussy etc etc. But what you outlined in your OP abuot tearing your magazine and pouring yoru coffee away is much mroe than selfish/self centred/lazy. He was deliberately hurting you.

Have you thought about counselling? If you want to save the marriage that is. Does he have any mental issues/stress/OCD? Sounds like strange behaviiour. Either way, you can't go on living like this or he will chip away at you until you are just a shell with no confidence left. If you think he is willing to talk and sort it out, then you need to discuss it with him. Perhaps write a letter explaining how he makes you feel. He cannot challenge how you feel as that is true to you. Maybe some couples counselling would help as there woudl be a mediator to help you communicate your views to each other....

Good luck, and big hugs. Sounds like you are doing great job running your household as well as working btw

BandofMothers · 10/03/2008 11:35

The thing is that it builds up slowly so that you don't even realise that it's happened unti you have your revelation.

Now you have had it and realised you can do something about it.
Don't look at your past behvr as weak, and don't feel guilty about letting it happen, that's how they do it, before you know it you are in too deep and some women are so ground down they never get out. That is not you though.
You can change things. He obviously had no retort to what you said to him this morning, in an argument with my dh I assume he sulks or doesn't respond because he knows I am right and has no reasonable argument, right??

Don't crumble, judge yourself on your behvr from now on, not from the past and everytime you stand up to him you will hold your head a litle highter, and feel a little prouder

BandofMothers · 10/03/2008 11:37

If your dd were playing in the playground and a big bully pushed her over and tookher toy, would you think "Gosh you big bully picking on her", or would you think, "oh you silly girl, stop being so weak and stupid"?????

TimeForMe · 10/03/2008 11:45

You are not weak.

You have shown love for your DH by doing things for him. Maybe one time he showed gratitude, seemed to appreciate your kindness. Because you liked the reaction you got you did more and more. Now he just takes you for granted but, rather than stop doing things you have continued to do more and more in an effort to get him to show you love and appreciation.

What has happened is that your self esteem has been lowered. You have become so absorbed in seeking his approval, getting a positive reaction from him that you have forgotten about yourself. But now the worm has turned. Your self esteem has popped it's head up and you are demanding more than just crumbs of affection, you want the whole biscuit, and rightly so!

You just keep up the good work!

littlewoman · 10/03/2008 12:02

I agree, what probably started out as a nurturing and caring action on your part (with the coffee in the mornings etc) has probably slowly turned into a sense of entitlement on his part. You probably wouldn't even mind still doing it, if it was seen for the lovely gesture that it is, instead of being bollocked when you DON'T do it. It doesn't need to be arguments all the way. Tell him to go into work and ask his mates how many of their wives lay their clothes out in the morning. They'd probably all piss themselves at how ridiculous that is.

cadelaide · 10/03/2008 12:18

TDWP, good on you for trying to make changes before considering leaving.
Good Luck.

Anna8888 · 10/03/2008 12:27

TDWP

You will blame yourself for being weak / not standing up for yourself / not understanding that all this was going on sooner.

FWIW, my partner was in a marriage where his ex-wife called all the shots. Many years after the breakdown of his marriage, he still finds it difficult to stand up to her incessant selfish demands, so deeply engrained is it within him to give in to them (a pattern that was laid down in his childhood with a very authoritarian mother and weak father). He still veers between feelings of guilt and shame.

Who knows where your marriage will go. But the only way forward is to start standing up for yourself and not allowing your DH to treat you so badly.

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 12:31

I get up in the morning and make DP a smoothie and if he ahsn't got a shirt I sort him one out but he also knows it is something he ahs to appreciate and that I don't have to, some days I feel shit and will say 'You'll have to do your own X because I want to stay in bed' I think thats a big difference in your situation TWDP, there is nothing wrong with doing things for someone, it's when they expect rather than appreciate and then have the audacity to get annoyed that you haven't done it that it becomes a problem.
I got fed up with doing DP's shirts in the morning and told him if he didnt want a dirty or creased shirt he'd better check when he put the kids to bed because I wasn't faffing around in the morning doing it. He now knows if he has a shirt or if one needs doing

Habbibu · 10/03/2008 14:44

DWP, you're not weak, it's just that things carry on and subtly shift and change without you really noticing, and then one day you look around and say "How did I get here?". Everyone does this, to a greater or lesser extent. In your case you've found yourself in a situation that you realise is just wrong. And you've taken the first steps to putting it right!

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 10/03/2008 15:13

I just got an email from him. I don't know what to make of it really.

He says he is sorry for this morning, but then says I really should have made sure he was up for work.
He then asks what I am planning for dinner and offers to go out and buy something he could make, then follows that with 'but I'm so tired'.

He then reminds me he has some drycleaning to be picked up. i as going to as I know he can't during work hours but I feel like not doing it just to spite him.

That's awful of me isn't it? I don't want to make it tit for tat.

orangina · 10/03/2008 15:19

Did he ask you nicely to pick up the dry cleaning? Or was it just a reminder of your duty, so to speak?
Would he be open to a frank discussion of how you feel re: being taken for granted, and needing to keep a check on his anger?
Do agree with you that you don't want it to descend into a tit for tat, that's petty. Can also understand why you would feel like teaching him a lesson! It's all about you needing to be treated with respect, and therefore I guess you want to keep the pettiness out of it for the time being. Perhaps you could order in for dinner, and talk about things?
(Or is that massively too simplistic?)

BandofMothers · 10/03/2008 15:20

Repeat what you said before, he is a grown man and if he can't make sure he is up for work then it is a sad tale. What would he do if you weren't there? The answer, he would get himself up.

Tell him you are tired too, of him taking you for granted and that iof something doesn't change then the relationship WILL end. He needs to know where you are, and it seems that in order for men to actually realise that things need to change is for the woman to threaten that if it doesn't it is over, in as many words.

orangina · 10/03/2008 15:20

I think the fact that he has apologized is positive, he has at least realised that it wasn't acceptable the way he behaved. Positive sign!

bossykate · 10/03/2008 15:21

oh i get that. "i'm sorry but actually it really was your fault" i think you should be firm on this. "thank you for your apology, however, i stand by my position this morning that any capable adult should be able to get themselves up for work in the morning".

i probably wouldn't get the dry cleaning.

bossykate · 10/03/2008 15:22
marina · 10/03/2008 15:26

Agree with bk. The apology is a very qualified one, TDWP. I think all he is sorry about is that you didn't do what he wanted you to.
I would text him back and say nicely that due to the awful weather you would sooner not get the dry cleaning today. I would not expect a home-based partner to make a special trip for me in this weather, unless it was for something that really won't wait until tomorrow.
Well done you for standing your ground this morning. We both WOTH and if one of us is off with the children, the remaining WOTH is the one who gets up and brings the other one some tea. Neither of us would expect the partner-at-home to do this.
Best of luck!

jangly · 10/03/2008 15:39

He is bullying you and bullies are usually pretty weak underneath it all. You need to calmly stand up for yourself. Definitely don't get violent. That would be a step in the wrong direction. If he throws your coffee down the sink (horrible!) just say "that was a waste" and make yourself another one. If he blames you when he is late getting up calmly point out that you are not his personal alarm clock. I would definitely not rush to end your marriage. Just calmly and bravely try to change things. Easier said than done, I know.

hanaflower · 10/03/2008 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangina · 10/03/2008 15:53

One thing I would say though, is don't make it your responsibility to change him. He has to see that change needs to be made, and he needs to make that change himself. You can be there to help and support him in that, the change needs to come from him. I have been in what I consider to have been an emotionally abusive relationship, and I look back on it in amazement at what I was prepared to do to keep him happy. My happiness etc didn't really seem to come into it. For whatever reason, I just didn't want the relationship to "fail" (I think I saw it as my failure, how mad...), and took an awful lot of crap.
Anyway, I'm rambling. He needs to know how you feel about his behaviour, and he needs to acknowledge both the fact of it, and the fact that some things will need to change.

Miggsie · 10/03/2008 16:16

He'll say whatever he thinks will get him what he wants...you standing up to him will have thrown him a bit so he will try a new tactic for a while to see where the new power ground is

VictorianSqualor · 10/03/2008 16:33

No you shouldn't have made sure he was up for work!
If you were up and about downstairs doing things and then realised he hadn't got up and didn't wake him I'd say that you should have, with a simple 'DH, you do realise it's Xtime don't you?' just because you were up, but you weren't so why the hell should you?
As for the dry cleaning, tell him you don't really want to go out in this weather, and ask if it was something he needed desperately. If he really is sorry and has thought about his actions he is mroe likely to say 'well, no, it's not urgent could you grab it for me tomorrow'.

TheHedgeWitch · 10/03/2008 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TimeForMe · 10/03/2008 17:34

Some men really get off on having you do things for them. This is a form of control in itself.

I personally wouldn't count that as an apology, he said what he thought you wanted to hear but retracted it in the same sentence by putting all the blame back on to you. It's called projection. He wants you to get his dry cleaning because in his own sad little way he wants to know that you still love him, that he has control over you.

I would be sticking to my guns and I too would be too tired to get the dry cleaning. This is war!

TimeForMe · 10/03/2008 17:40

And one more thing. It's not about you changing him, it's about you changing the way you respond and react to him. You will be leading by example, mighty fine example!

Habbibu · 10/03/2008 19:00

HedgeWitch, but I bet your DH doesn't think it's your responsibility that he gets up for work. And that's the difference - I'm all for picking your battles, and not making an issue out of everything, but DWP is, I think, beyond the straightforward to and fro of a relationship, and needs to make sure that the equality of their relationship is firmly understood. Dry cleaning I'd maybe have got if he'd said "would you mind" or something like that, but not particularly after the half-arsed - sorry for shouting but it was your fault really - apology.

DWP, this is very hard, and anyone would find your situation tough - it's not you being weak at all. Stay strong, missus. You've made a great first step.