I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

Good morning to all. Sorry I didn't post yesterday I didn't get home until quite late and then DH was loitering around me so I didn't come on mumsnet.

We had a row this morning. He did something I would have previously accepted and kept quiet about but I really gave him what for.
He sulked off to work so I am expecting (but not holding my breath for) a call or email to apologise.

Good morning TDWP

Well done for no tolerating his behaviour! That must have taken a lot of courage but I bet it feels good doesn't it? I hope you do get an apology fom him, it's the least you deserve!

I am thinking of you and sending you lot's of 'strong' vibes xx

Hi TDWP, was following your thread last week, and wondered how you were this morning. Don't have anything constructive to add, but wanted to say well done for taking a stand, and thinking of you. Please keep posting here and let us know how everything is going.

By the way TDWP, did you get up at 6am and make his coffee this morning? Did you sort out his clothes? Just wondering xx

my xh used to go mad at me for telling people what he had done in front of him, cos they'd all be sitting there saying to him "you're a bastard", but it was the only way I felt like it wasn't all me. It never made him see that he was a bastard, but it eventually gave me the strength to tell him to f off.

Actually Littlewoman, I do believe that is the way to go. Controlling, bullying abusers rely on you not telling anyone. If he really did believe he was justified in his actions, that he had done nothing wrong, he wouldn't have minded you telling anyone would he. Well done you for getting away

What happened this morning was his alarm went off which woke me so I went to the loo. I got back into bed and dozed off. I was then rudely awakened by him swearing as he was late for work. He had turned off the alarm and blamed me as I had got up and he assumed I'd wake him up (with a coffee). This isn't the first time this has happened.

I told him that he is an adult and should not expect anyone else to ensure he is out of bed and organised for work. The DC were still asleep so why should I get up just because he has to?

This led to an arguement and I stood my ground. I am feeling quite proud of myself.

My DH asked me sweetly if I could bring him a cuppa on Sat and i nearly bit his head off as I was busy. I would make plans to try to get the hell away from him.

DWP - I have been watching this thread since the beginning and just wanted to say very well done to you. Take it one step at a time. There is a lot of support for you and others in your position here. You are sounding very strong x

ooh good for you DWP. Stay strong girl! xxx

Well Done DWP! I am so very proud of you!

So, he gets more of the same tomorrow? He will soon learn he either has to get up and make his own coffee or he takes a flask to bed

Wowoo it is not that clear cut. I think I have been burying my head in the sand and allowing him to behave like this by not challenging him.
Perhaps I thought it was normal, and perhaps I was scared to stand up to him and destroy our family.
I am not sure yet, but have been thinking about this a lot and I hope things will soon become clearer.

The fact is that some aspects of our relationship are fantastic, and I would not throw that away lightly without trying to change things first.

If tings deteriorate so be it, I will hold my head high at the fact that I tried to make it work.

I think your attitude is great and it is to be admired. You can do this. You just have to make a stand and not tolerate his treatment of you. He cannot control you if you don't allow it. I am not saying it is going to be easy, it isn't and it can be exhausting but, it can be done.

Well done DWP!!!
I can understand you not holding your breath for an apology.
Will be interesting to see if he gets out of bed tomorrow and makes his own coffee... Glad he managed to get dressed by himself - poor lamb {v sarcastic emoticon!)

TDWP I can totally see the sense in that, in trying to take ownership and salvage your relationship. Its easy for us to say "twat" but you fell in love with him once and I hope you can do so again. If it does not work out at least you can be really proud that you tried, that you didn't just lie down and be a victim or just walk away.

Good luck xxxxxxxxx

Thanks again.
Of course you have all played no small part in this. I was saying to my cousin, without having a place I felt free to open up without judgement who knows how long it would have taken me to admit to what was happening, and the extent of it. And how much may things have gotten worse?

I could have ended up in a very dark place weeks or years down the line. It is impossible to put my gratitude into words. But you all know how fab you are,don't you?

By the way, having read this entire thread, I really would want expat on my side in a fight!!!

TDWP I just wanted to say you sound like an amazingly strong and brave woman. Well done for confronting this, it is the first step to actually sorting this out and making your life better, so well done.

I know what it's like. Reading this thread has brought it all back to me. Far too many of us do it would seem, from the other responses here too. We're stronger than we may initially think.

For any lurkers in similar situations, I hope you all find the strength to know you are worth better and no one deserves to be treated in this way, ever.

Oh, well done, DWP. I think it's one thing being in a routine where one partner habitually brings the other coffee, but it's understood as an act of kindness on both sides, and quite another when it's placed as an "expectation" of your role. You're right, he is a grown man and is responsible for getting up, getting to work, etc. Onwards and upwards!

I can relate to the DWP. This site and the fabulous friends I made on here 'saved' me too. Or should I say they helped me to save myself. It's nice to know you are not on your own isn't it

You may find that if you stand up to him and challenge him when he is mean to you that he is infact not as tough as he seems. Bullies pick on people who are vulnerable and he may not be brave enough to pick on someone who is strong and tough andwill not put up with his crap.

I hope you can work things out if that is what you want, but perhaps you should stash away some money, or at least look into your options, should things go the other way.

Good luck

BoM I think you are right.
He seemed slightly perturbed this morning when I challenged him, and as I said sulked off to work.

But my thoughts and feelings are really confused by this. I keep thinking, maybe I am weak to have allowed him to do this for so long, and if I were stonger I wouldn't be going through this now.

But then I think I shouldn't blame myself as it was him that has taken advantage of my weakness, so it is not my fault.

Is this sort of emotional roundabout normal?