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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

263 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 07:49

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

OP posts:
rantinglunatic · 14/10/2023 19:02

He sounds like a massive twat - get out asap and let him deal with his own emotional shit - IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/10/2023 19:03

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 18:37

So he is earning between £30-£35k, we are in Scotland and it's really good salary, he can afford to rent a flat on his own and used to do it before we moved in together.
He has child maintenance agreed with ex, works shifts and DD is here every weekend (mum is at work) and during the week when he isn't working. He wanted DD to move in here full time but I've said for this to happen he will need to change job and pay for afterschool. Therefore it didn't happen.

I'm sorry, I forgot to say in which ways the relationship is so good now. I'm being taken out for dinners, romantic walks, he now finally wants to spend any time together without DD, he finally wanted to go away for two days just me and him (previously refused to go anywhere without DD), I get a lot of affection but to the point when I feel its too much. He finally admits to DD we too have a life when she is with her mum, before I wasn't allowed to say that we went to cinema or anywhere else when she was at her mums because it would upset her. If she phoned him and noticed we were out, she demanded he takes her to the same place too. You see, I felt like OW, like a dirty secret, someone who doesn't deserve a normal life but has to live in someone else's shadow. Like I wasn't in the place where a woman should be in normal relationship.
I now get to decide on things that I couldn't in the past because he would just overrule them. It's as if he suddenly discovered I too have needs. That's why I don't trust it and I know deep down this isn't right.

He has some mental health problems and is seeing counsellor once every so often. He was on antidepressants and then stopped and experimented with some natural vitamins to feel better. Whatever he was doing he now says it was making him miserable and because of that behaving badly towards DD and I. But now he stopped taking anything so he know it can only be better.

Well yeah, he thinks he's going to get a house out of it.

FictionalCharacter · 14/10/2023 19:32

I forgot to say in which ways the relationship is so good now. I'm being taken out for dinners, romantic walks, he now finally wants to spend any time together without DD
For pity’s sake @sundaymorningbliss don’t fall for this. If you give in he’ll be back to his old ways in no time.
You said earlier you can’t believe how many of us here are seeing through him. That’s because you’ve been persuading yourself for a long time that you can make this dreadful relationship work, and those of us on the outside can see the awfulness, lit up in neon lights.

RachelGreeneGreep · 14/10/2023 19:42

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/10/2023 16:29

I forgot to mention - he'll probably turn up at your house with his worldly goods all piled into the back (and quite possibly his kid as well) and announce that he's ended the lease and they're homeless with nowhere to go tonight/he's decided to marry you.

Don't open the door without the chain on and only then if you must to say that it's over and he can't come in. No, not even for one minute. No, not to hand over a housewarming present/use the toilet/something you forgot/a bit of closure/it's the start of the Zombie Apocalypse and all they could think about was making sure you were safe because you're family.

Show quote history

Spot on.

OP, please don't fall for the pretence at changed behaviour. Once you get back in line and give him his own way, everything will go back to the way he wants it.

Get out, get out now.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 20:06

Literally everything the OP is being told on this thread…. She was told on her last thread almost 4 months ago

Deafdonkey · 14/10/2023 20:10

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 20:06

Literally everything the OP is being told on this thread…. She was told on her last thread almost 4 months ago

And?

She has evidently moved on a lot since then, securing a new house.

But leaving an abuser is hard, they are manipulative and have practice getting what they want. Let's pull her up not knock her down.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 20:13

She seems surprised by what people are telling her on this thread

but all told 4 months ago

and 4 months ago people were telling her that her DSD is possibly being groomed and in a very disturbing position. It would appear bugger all has been done on that front

JFDIYOLO · 14/10/2023 20:30

He's love-bombing you, OP. The romance tsunami designed to get you back in the compliant space he thinks you belong in. All the clichés. And if you fall for it, and give in, he WILL revert. Because he'll have you trapped and unable to get out.

Don't. Get. Pregnant.

Takeabreather23 · 14/10/2023 20:31

Reading the update and about the previous post(4 mths ago ) I’d speaking to the daughters
mother about the concerns over this weird relationship .

Cherrysoup · 14/10/2023 20:48

You’re doing the right thing, get out, take your stuff. He sees his comfortable convenient life falling apart but long term, nothing will change!

TeaMistress · 14/10/2023 21:06

You're doing the right thing OP. You get your keys in 2 weeks. Just keep focusing on that goal of getting into your new home and closing the door behind you. You will have your own safe calm space and you can then cut him out of your life. He's a freeloading cocklodger and you deserve better than being taken for granted. Take your furniture and possessions with you. Change your pin/ passwords on emails / bank account etc and then block his number. Take final meter readings on moving day and let the utility companies know you have moved out. Advise your local authority you have moved out and to take your name off the council tax bill. Just hang in there a little bit longer. You can do this.

FlamingoQueen · 14/10/2023 21:28

Please don’t fall for his ‘charm’. Of course he’s saying what you want to hear, he’ll move you back in and it will go straight back to how it was. Get some independence back and don’t look back.

Lotta0 · 14/10/2023 23:00

Whatever you do, don't fall for all this shit.

The fact that he's now doing all those things you wanted shows that he always knew what was missing but he chose not to do it.

Move out as soon as possible, get on your mums sofa if you have to. Move out when he is at work. Be gone. Leave a note- "I need to be alone, this relationship is not meeting my needs. Please respect my need for some space and don't contact me."
Ignore the phone for at least a week- let him have his tantrum tears rage etc without you on the receiving end

Lotta0 · 14/10/2023 23:00

Don't tell him your new address!!

Brokendaughter · 15/10/2023 02:49

Just wait OP, in a week or two, perhaps after a romantic dinner, he'll be wanting you 2 to walk hand in hand to the furniture shop so you can decorate up one of the bedrooms in your new house for his daughter.

Before you know it, you'll be back to the same shit, different day life you wanted to escape.

You need to remember how extreme that is as a solution to get out of a relationship.
That is who he really is, that is how he really makes you feel when he's not pretending.
That is who he will be again, because it's the real him.
This 'new improved' recipe version of himself is a front he can't keep up for long.

If you somehow let him come with you, imagine how much emotional energy they'll expect you to pay for the crime of making him & his daughter have to travel to your new home?
It will be WORSE than it was & they'll both be telling you it's your fault because you moved.
Give it some time & he'll be hinting you should expect the house to be left to his daughter one day.
Maybe he'll suggest drawing up wills 'just in case' once you've got an asset he might have a chance at.

Move out, move on.
Other men are available for romantic dinners, walks in the park or whatever it is you are seeking who will do it because they want to, not because they are scared they'll have to do their own childcare & pay the rent if they don't.
Men without mental health problems who are available to actually love you as more than an open wallet & free childcare.

Newestname002 · 15/10/2023 03:11

OP, please don't fall for the pretence at changed behaviour. Once you get back in line and give him his own way, everything will go back to the way he wants it.

And this time he'll be in your new house that you've bought and furnished, and making for darned sure it will be much harder for you to pull away.

Because how could you, they're now homeless unless you take pity on them if only for a little while, until he sorts something out. Except he'll see this as a permanent move for them...

As an earlier poster said, don't get pregnant. Ensure your contraception is as bullet proof as you can make it so you don't end up tied to his man and his daughter.

Remember this man is an absolute manipulator determined on you providing him and his daughter with what they want.

What's in it for you?

Get out of the trap you are in and stay out. Anything else is just madness. 🌹

Mix56 · 15/10/2023 07:54

This whole change frog to prince is really too good to be true., because its fake, he is manipulating you, & even "he's seen the light", funny he can suddenly become a caring person.
IMO, he wants your money/shared bills,, your furniture, your taxi services, your child care, cleaning & cooking & sex services & has now decided its worth making an effort to keep all the benefits.
But for how long?
Please take this opportunity to get some space, breath &!get away from his oppressive cringeworthy love bombing.
None of his personas are pleasant

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 15/10/2023 08:10

Thank you all so much for every single comment, I will be reading them as a gospel every day to keep me going strong Flowers

Last night he was talking for hours about how brilliant our relationship is and how we got it all. Then he was starting to get angry because I wasn't changing my mind.

Apparently it's his counsellor who told him that me buying home that far means and I'm forcing him to chose between me and DD. It would never ever be my intention. He also now says that I didn't like certain behaviours because I'm so jealous of DD and of the close connection they two have. He just can't see how inappropriate and damaging to DD some behaviours were.

On the back what you all said here and how he tries to manipulate, shift blame and makes me the bad guy again, I withdrew the offer of him coming with me and made it crystal clear that I'm moving on my own.

He was back to his old ways last night after he got angry. Being sarcastic, ridiculing my decision to move, saying I'm so cold, difficult and no matter what he does it's never good enough. He also repeats over and over that I'm choosing the easiest way to just pack and run away instead of fighting for our family as any other loving person would do.

No no no, I'm not taking this shit with me.

I know what I have been told here 4 months ago. I accepted it, worked on it where I could, and made steps to move out. One step at a time. A few more weeks to peaceful life Star

OP posts:
Vinrouge4 · 15/10/2023 08:22

Counsellors often have a lot to answer for. There are a lot of good ones but equally a lot of rubbish ones filling people's heads with stupid ideas. In no way is his behaviour and this situation your fault. So please don’t let him and his counsellor guilt trip you. I think you are doing the best thing by distancing yourself from the situation. Good luck.

Mix56 · 15/10/2023 08:24

Yes it will go in cycles, pleasant then come the accusations..
Tell him you are not jealous of his poor daughter, she has not been parented, does not have healthy boundaries, he is allowing her to be a Prima Donna whilst unilaterally deciding in what way you can facilitate it.
Be strong. Get your stuff moved when he is out. Take photos as you leave.
Start a new life

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 15/10/2023 08:35

Didn’t take long for the mask to slip did it?

Lose10kyesterday · 15/10/2023 08:42

He's panicking because his maid of all work is leaving him to carry out all those dull chores like looking after his daughter, and what's more, taking her money away from him so he'll have to balance his own budget and live within his means. What a prince among men.

Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 08:44

Has he ever owned a property OP?

What is your financial circumstances? Better than £35-40k

Lotta0 · 15/10/2023 08:47

You need to finish this relationship completely.

he thinks you’re forcing him to choose, when actually it should be that you’re leaving him. Theres no second choice.

get moved out asap. Go anywhere. You’ve got weeks of this shit with him getting in your head. Book an air b and b or go to your parents, Chuck your stuff in storage, it would be money well spent.

Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 08:47

On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

you started the thread 24 hours ago and already far from perfect

tells you all you need to know