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Original poster

On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

263 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 07:49

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

OP posts:
Worddance · 14/10/2023 12:12

Stay strong. He didn't care enough to make it work when it was just about loving you. That tells you everything you need to know.

ManchesterLu · 14/10/2023 12:30

My mum and dad got on the very best they ever have in the period where my mum told my dad it was over, and him moving out. It's strange, but don't fall for it. It'd go right back to normal if you changed your mind.

Mix56 · 14/10/2023 12:36

You need to drop this cocklodging idiot.
everything you say makes it worse...
"its all your fault, ya boo sucks"
Tell him "Its over" , not to move near you, you are DONE.
rip the plaster off, & Byeeeeee

Someoneonlyyouknow · 14/10/2023 12:37

Move out and don't let him follow you. It's up to him to provide a home for himself (and his DD). I'm sure he is distressed that you are leaving but not because he loves you, he just loves the comfortable home and childcare you have supplied.

SunflowerTed · 14/10/2023 12:50

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 07:49

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

Get your boxes packed and move!

TeaMistress · 14/10/2023 12:51

Time to move on with your life. He's a cocklodger who doesn't want to to lose his housekeeper / free childcare/ taxi driver/ furnished house. Calmly make arrangements to move into your new home near your family and friends and work. Book removals and continue to sever your life from his. Guarantee after that first night in peace and quiet in your own home you won't want to continue seeing him or his daughter. Buy a new bed and some lovely new bed linen and create a calm safe haven that he never sets foot in.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/10/2023 13:11

BeyondMyWits · 14/10/2023 08:15

"I am not making you choose. I am no longer an option."... the only answer to give to that sort of whine.

As others have said, he would revert to old behaviour once you were back.

Perfect response.

ButterflyOil · 14/10/2023 13:14

Youve had lots of supportive messages and I really hope you stay strong. Just think also, things could be so much worse. What if you had a child with him or you didn’t have the means to get away, or didn’t have supportive family you can move back closer to?

You’ve got a lovely new life waiting for you, away from this bullshit, keep focusing on that and how nice it will be to have your own space again that’s just yours and without this guy yanking on your emotional strings all the time.

MrsMarzetti · 14/10/2023 13:15

Think of your lovely new home and the peace you will have there, that will give you the strength to move away from this manipulative man. He Just assumes you will continue to be his childs Nanny. Don't let him win, he doesn't deserve you.

TheSecretHistoryOfGoldfinchTartt · 14/10/2023 13:23

LTB. Women are not support animals for fuckwitted and manipulative men. Please trust your instinct and put yourself first.

TheRealLilyMunster · 14/10/2023 13:23

I think you need to get away from him asap, so you can get some clarity on the situation.

Do you have family or friends You could stay with until you can move into your house?

People don't change. And if you let him move in with you, you will have hell of a job getting rid of him.

You need to get out now. You deserve a happy life.

Crunchingleaf · 14/10/2023 13:28

Go enjoy your new house, new life and take your furniture with you. Trust your gut instinct. It sounds like he is an immature, man child who can’t cope being an adult and father with responsibilities so needs a woman to look after everything.
Life is way too short for that BS.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/10/2023 13:37

Just go. If he wants to continue to see you, he needs to do it on your terms.

You need to be really clear that it's your way or the highway. And mean it.

You do need to be prepared to break up with him. If you're not, he'll use that against you, to manipulate you into doing what he wants .

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 14/10/2023 13:52

Well done so far OP - stay strong.

He needs to have some time with his daughter - being responsible for her and himself and his home. When he has done this growing up he will be in a better place to consider a relationship.

You are not his and his daughter's mother.

Your life is not a cushion for him.

Nepmarthiturn · 14/10/2023 13:52

daisychain01 · 14/10/2023 08:27

He wants you to do a 60 mile round trip to take his DD to school.

honestly he's delusional, tell him to swivel.

Right? What the hell?

He isn't bothered about "living with you", OP. He's bothered about you doing his parenting for him. He needs to arrange a nanny if his parenting responsibilities clash with his work commitments, not guilt trip a partner into doing it for him!

Daleksatemyshed · 14/10/2023 14:02

Don't let him grind you down Op, there's nothing worth staying for, he wants it all his own way at your expense. He actually thinks you want to move him away so you'll have him to yourself, what an ego he has!

nobodysdaughternow · 14/10/2023 14:13

He is still toxic op. He is refusing to let you go - that is t his decision.

He is also deranged if he thinks you could drop his dd to school - he is trying to trap you. Run!

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 15:29

I can't believe how many of you can see right through what is happening here.
He did mention he is going to live in the car as he can't afford anything else. It isnt true, he gets a good salary paid from his work and does a lot of overtime.
I would never ever want him to separate from DD or see her less. Would never even suggest it. As much as their relationship is weird, he sees her as an extension of him and they are in some sort of weird codependency, I always accepted her and wanted her to feel like home.

I'm due to be getting keys to the new home in two weeks time. I was so happy until he started doing all this shit show and now I feel so bad for wanting to move.
I'm so looking forward to free weekends and evenings. We have his DD every weekend and I couldn't even have a bed to myself on an odd Sunday morning without both of them in it. Even if I asked I was made out to be the bad guy who isn't accepting DD.
Because of what was going on here my mental health deteriorated too but I would never expect anyone to feel responsible for it.

I came to the point when I discover that I do have a choice how I spend my time and with whom.

I know it's not DD's fault, sie doesn't know any better. But it isn't my responsibility either

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 15:34

You are going to have a great life OP just keep going Flowers

Mmhmmn · 14/10/2023 15:36

You do NOT have to give in, OP. You would kick yourself so much if you did. You stick with your safe, peaceful, own home back where you want to live. No surprise really that he's now doing the limpet thing, that's what they do when they don't want to live on their own and start casting around for any other way.

Nepmarthiturn · 14/10/2023 15:40

He will thrash around with rage and tears and self pity then rage again that you won't do what he wants. Ignore. Then, after you leave, he'll be bitter and horrible most likely, alternating with more self pity and attempted manipulation. Then when the message finally gets through that yes, you would be happy to see him but no, you won't be organising his life for him or taking on his parenting responsibilities for him, suddenly this "yearning" to live with you may mysteriously vanish and he'll go try to to find another mug to do it all for him.

Do not back down.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 14/10/2023 15:50

It’ll be a suicide threat next.

TheRealLilyMunster · 14/10/2023 15:51

You are doing the right thing, please don't let him manipulate you into changing your mind.

I suspect that when you are in your new home, and realise how happy and peaceful your life is without all the bullshit and mindfuckery, you may well decide that you never want to see him again.

Mmhmmn · 14/10/2023 15:53

"He did mention he is going to live in the car as he can't afford anything else. It isnt true, he gets a good salary paid from his work and does a lot of overtime"

Oh my god, OP. Manipulation attempts are at DEFCON 1 (ie the highest!) Just hold firm and look forward to the peace and calm of your new house. 🏠You're not his guardian angel ffs, he needs to get a grip and be a role model for his DD.

FairyMaclary · 14/10/2023 15:54

He doesn’t want his disposable income to drop. Of course he will manage - like women have to manage. Or he can pay maintenance to his ex - because I bet old Greedy Macgreedison doesn’t pay maintenance and has 50/50 to avoid dipping his hand into his pocket. Preferring to sponge off the ladies.

Listen to his whines - they are mainly money related.