On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

[sundaymorningbliss]

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work.
Is he? he can see his DD when he can take her to school, CF

he is only ‘changing’ —ahem— now because he stands to lose something. He didn’t care enough whilst you were the one who was unhappy. His reasons for saying he will move etc are very selfish. He is putting himself above everyone, especially his daughter and also, you.

Lol at live in the car. My mum's cocklodger who hadn't paid 1p in rent in 7 years did really sleep in the car for two nights outside her house. She just let him. By then we'd had to get a solicitors letter to get him to leave and the police involved.

These people are outrageous- happy to get the house, the furniture, the childcare, all the support but won't change themselves or look after you.

I think removing yourself, especially where there's some weird codependency going on, before the daughter is a proper teen (and some of the things become exceptionally inappropriate) is the best thing you can do. I reckon once you get out you won't want back in.

More power to you OP. Stay strong, true to yourself & your own worth.
Don’t be intimidated / manipulated if he makes threats of self harm when you go through with it. Don’t feel manipulated into rescuing him. Leave that to the health services. Don’t waver - no he’s not an overtly bad, abusive, coercive controller, I’m sure he has many redeeming qualities, but he is toxic, has an enmeshed relationship with his DD & is using you financially & emotionally manipulating you.
Plse update when you’re free 💐

Hold firm!
Do not let him help you to move.
Do not under any circumstances give him or let him have access to a key.

This fresh start will give you time and space to think about whether you still want him in your life.

It’s hard to see from your posts what about the relationship is “suddenly perfect”. This man is manipulating you using tears and lies (about how impoverished he’s going to be, etc). As pp has said, it will be suicide threats next. This the the behaviour of someone who is seeing his resource disappearing, not someone who has any respect for you as an autonomous human being.

I forgot to mention - he'll probably turn up at your house with his worldly goods all piled into the back (and quite possibly his kid as well) and announce that he's ended the lease and they're homeless with nowhere to go tonight/he's decided to marry you.

Don't open the door without the chain on and only then if you must to say that it's over and he can't come in. No, not even for one minute. No, not to hand over a housewarming present/use the toilet/something you forgot/a bit of closure/it's the start of the Zombie Apocalypse and all they could think about was making sure you were safe because you're family.

So he had time to change but chose not to as was easier for him to sacrifice you.

Now you've taken steps to get out (and save yourself) you're still being browbeaten and manipulated so he can keep things on his terms.

Honestly OP. Hold firm and move on. If he cared you would never have got to this point as he would have got his act together long ago. It very much sounds like you're being used. You deserve better.

I'm due to be getting keys to the new home in two weeks time. I was so happy until he started doing all this shit show and now I feel so bad for wanting to move.

OP please, please, please drop the 'was' and go back to 'am'. Drop the 'until...'
You're right, we can all see straight through him. You have nothing to feel bad for. He, on the other hand, has a lot.

Stop thinking that you are in any way responsible for him (or his DD, or his housing, or his childcare, or his home comforts, or anything else.) He coped before you, he'll have to do it again. He had his chance to have it all and he blew it. Stop with the guilt.

Are you generally a people pleaser? Always putting others before yourself, regardless of what you want? If that's you, then this is your Road to Damascus conversion. Walk away. Or run.

A man who appears to no work, have no savings whatsoever and an “unhealthy” and “weird” relationship with his young daughter

OP, I am fascinated. What drew you to him?

You think he has a “weird” “unhealthy” relationship with his young daughter, and you casually throw in his in the mornings she’s joins him in bed.

FFS OP - this needs to be addressed. If you think something really is unhealthy FGS report to SS

If he ever succeeds in making you feel bad... keep in mind that 'tough love' will help him grow up and that although he wants you to continue to fund and look after him, he NEEDS to learn to take care of himself like a grown-up.

You have been more than generous.

A lot of people can see through him because they speak from experience, a lot of us have been through similar.
As it becomes clear you are going to move away, the emotional blackmail will escalate, be prepared for that. Expect to hear he will be homeless, his DD will be homeless or he won't be able to see her (not your responsibility) he may even just turn up at the door of your new house claiming homelessness, hoping that you will feel guilty and responsible for him and he can worm his way back in. Have the number of the council offices ready and direct him to them.

Expect the suicide threats either veiled or overt. Ask most of the women here who have experienced this, they don't actually follow through on it. You need to call his bluff, and tell him you will be phoning the police to carry out a welfare check, it will be the last thing he wants and may stop him trying that tactic again in the future.

If you prepare for this you will be better able to deal with it and prevent him from worming his way back in and taking over your life again

He's only got 2 weeks left to emotionally blackmail you into staying, that's why you feel bad because he's now willing to say anything to get his own way. Sleeping in the car my arse. Next it will be "my lives not worth living without you".
It's only a few days @sundaymorningbliss , try to be busy or out as much as possible so he can't keep doing this to you. He is a grown man and he will be fine once he actually gets his act togethet

A man did this to my mum way back when: pretended to have a break down, cried, carried on, threatened to harm himself so she wouldn't leave, etc. She stayed far longer than she should have.

When she finally did leave, he tried it again ... and when it didn't work, was instantly miraculously just fine and then started trying to cheat her out of stuff.

Just fucking run.

Cut all ties.

You deserve better.

Thoughts from the thread

Expect unexpected visits on your doorstep - be prepared to be in control.
Get a Ring doorbell.
Get a chain on the front door and always use it.

Do you know DDs mum? What led to their break up, how is her relationship with DD? Might be worth a frank open conversation with her - this may all be very familiar to her.

What sort of salary is he on? What kind of property buy/rent would that reasonably get him in the area? Keep that in mind next time he claims he'll be living in his car.

You are NOT the keeper of his mental health. We are our OWN guardians of our health. Has he done anything about that himself - seen a GP, requested specialist help, medication? Or is this all self diagnosed, sudden and convenient?

He's cycling round the script - Mr Nice (tears, promises, fantasy island about how perfect it's going to be), and Mr Nasty (threats, accusations, attempts to make you feel guilty and responsible for him and her) when he realises Mr Nice hasn't worked. Beware Mr Sneaky - attempts to undermine you to friends and family.

It's all very well known and I think a lot of posters are recognising their own experiences in yours.

Your relationship is not perfect, because he's still mentally abusing you and trying to manipulate you, and he has some big brass balls planning that you will upend your new life to drive miles and miles all the time. He's a ridiculous man-child who can't accept reality and is STILL BLAMING YOU! Get rid!

BTW, we can see him for what he is because we are not emotionally involved.

I would still move out. Yes things might get better for a short time but then go back to the old. And his DD's attitude towards you is not going to change. I wouldn't even continue relationship as living apart is not going to change the existing problems. And don't let him blackmail you to stay or delay moving out. He is an adult and needs to be able to take care of himself. Just think of yourself and what you want and need.

It’s all very convenient for him, but you’re not getting anything out of the relationship. That so many on this thread have seen through him tells you all you need to know.

Do not travel out of your way to do the school run, how inconvenient for him that he will have to look after his own child. You know if you move back it will all just slide back to how it was slowly but surely.

I would be having a clean break, not living separately but carrying on dating. I think once you move in on your own you will realise you’re better off without him altogether.

@Barrowgirl the OP has a whole other thread about the daughter.

So he is earning between £30-£35k, we are in Scotland and it's really good salary, he can afford to rent a flat on his own and used to do it before we moved in together.
He has child maintenance agreed with ex, works shifts and DD is here every weekend (mum is at work) and during the week when he isn't working. He wanted DD to move in here full time but I've said for this to happen he will need to change job and pay for afterschool. Therefore it didn't happen.

I'm sorry, I forgot to say in which ways the relationship is so good now. I'm being taken out for dinners, romantic walks, he now finally wants to spend any time together without DD, he finally wanted to go away for two days just me and him (previously refused to go anywhere without DD), I get a lot of affection but to the point when I feel its too much. He finally admits to DD we too have a life when she is with her mum, before I wasn't allowed to say that we went to cinema or anywhere else when she was at her mums because it would upset her. If she phoned him and noticed we were out, she demanded he takes her to the same place too. You see, I felt like OW, like a dirty secret, someone who doesn't deserve a normal life but has to live in someone else's shadow. Like I wasn't in the place where a woman should be in normal relationship.
I now get to decide on things that I couldn't in the past because he would just overrule them. It's as if he suddenly discovered I too have needs. That's why I don't trust it and I know deep down this isn't right.

He has some mental health problems and is seeing counsellor once every so often. He was on antidepressants and then stopped and experimented with some natural vitamins to feel better. Whatever he was doing he now says it was making him miserable and because of that behaving badly towards DD and I. But now he stopped taking anything so he know it can only be better.

Almost 4 month ago

and it would
seem nothing has been done to change this for the poor girl

He sounds seriously f-d up in that he's now love-bombing you like he was doing to her. None of this is healthy, measured or sensible. I think your instinct is you want out, and I would carry on getting out. Going for walks and dinner would be great if it were with a healthy nice man, he's not so it's not perfect.

Right.
I told my DH that I couldn’t be a step parent anymore (similar issues to what you experienced) and I didn’t want my DSD anywhere near me or my own child (that I share with DH).

I now wish I’d had the balls to do what you have decided to do.

My DSD no longer stays at our house and I’ve been a lot happier since, however it was supposed to be that DH spent every weekend with DSD in her mother’s house but unfortunately she’s an older teen and often doesn’t want her dad to descend upon her over the weekend, which means he hardly sees her and he kind of blames me for “giving him an ultimatum”.

I get the feeling that our shared friends and wider family blame me too.

If I’d have just left when I began to identify DSS as harmful to my mental health and possibly to my own DD’s physical health, there would be none of this wicked step mother shit flying around.

I never gave him an ultimatum, I simply said that I personally could not be in the same space as her for long, complicated and very legitimate reasons regarding safety.

Don’t fall for his micro managing you. Why should you jump through all of his hoops? Seriously why?

Some men when their relationship breaks up just can't seem to get the balance right with their DC Op, yours went the wrong way, instead of going on being a parent he over indulged his DD to make up for not always being with her, he pushed you aside when ever she was there. Now you're looking to move on he's doing the same to you, he's saying she's not more important and it's all about you. Can you not see the pattern here? He doesn't seem to be capable of having a balance between being a partner and a Father, someone is always feeling left out. Just as it's not worked out for you, it's not going to be good for his DD.
I can't see you having a happy life with him Op, his lack of emotional insight is always going to be a problem. At least you can leave and be happy elsewhere, I don't think his DD is going to be so lucky