Is it normal for male partner to be obsessed with sex?

[Womanofwords]

I need advice about men's sex drive and how it works, can't believe I just typed that. My partner and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. Having babies has been incredibly disruptive to our sex life for a variety of reasons. But what I don't understand is how difficult he seems to find this, compared to me? He does not pester or harass me and we often sleep in separate beds anyway. Other aspects of our relationship are not great. But when he talks about it it's almost in terms as if I'm depriving him of something that's essential? I don't understand this at all. I love sex, it's great. But just like I love steak and chips, I don't see it as essential?! How is masturbation different to sex, that's another thing I don't understand? If it's simply about the physical release, what's wrong with masturbation and why would that not take away the frustration of wanting sex? He says lack of sex makes him 'on his knees in despair', 'depressed', 'frustrated beyond words'. He says it's a 'miracle' that he has not cheated on me. He uses porn which I find repellant and does not make me feel like having sex much with someone who has that stuff in his head. He says he only watches porn with 'real women' like me LOL. Anyway, it's a big difficult melting pot of a situation as you can read but what I really want you fab women to explain to me is, is this normal? To be so desperate for sex that it rules your life all the time? Thanks for your thoughts.

I am a man in a possibly-similar marriage. I don't mean to be intruding on your thread if you'd prefer to discuss this only with women, but I could have a try at explaining how things feel on my side of things, if that might be at all useful or interesting? Or if you'd prefer not then that's absolutely fine too!

Sex is a million miles away from masturbation. You get so much more from sex than you don’t from going solo. I’m surprised you don’t see the difference.

It's good he doesn't pester you but the 'you're depriving me' and 'you're lucky I don't cheat on you' comments are deeply unpleasant.

Sometimes - but not always - an underlying factor is mismatched contribution to childcare and housework, so one partner is just more exhausted and bedraggled, in the home all the time and buried under the mental load.

A grown up approach to it would be discussion and openness, finding the things that would work for you but not implying there's something wrong with you. Equally, not making out something is wrong with him for wanting it so regularly but not seeing this as a need it's your responsibility to service. Nothing is less sexy than seeing sex as a chore like cleaning the fridge.

How often are you actually having sex?

Tbh I think sex is essential in a relationship and is completely different to masturbation.

Sexual frustration is a real thing and can cause problems in a relationship. It's hard to comment on your personal situation to decide whether he's unreasonable or not without knowing how often you are actually having sex.

I think for some men, as it is for some women, sex is how they demonstrate love and affection for someone. So no sex equates to no love in their mind.

Men generally have a higher sex drive than women. For a lot of men, the less sex they have the more they think about it and they can become quite obsessed.

I do see the difference, but not at a physical level, which is where the frustration seems to be? For me, there is intimacy and love etc from sex that you don't get from masturbation, but that doesn't seem to be what he is craving. He seem to just be craving the physical side.

I'm fine for you to do that if you want.

Someone once asked me what I'd do if my dh no longer wanted sex.
I said I'd leave.
I didn't even have to think about the answer.
Fortunately our sex drives are well matched.

Sex may not be essential to life but it can be essential to a good marriage in some relationships.

Thanks, and do you feel you absolutely HAVE to have a certain amount of sex no matter what? Just like eating, it's that essential to you? And what would you do if you were single?
I am starting to think it's me. I am not really in the mood for sex with 3 teens in the house, I'm tired, perimenopausal, don't feel appreciated or sexy (particularly with the porn thing), he won't have a vasectomy...and also other aspects of our relationship being devoid of connection, romance, etc. Maybe we are just over. I don't think I need sex as much as he does, maybe it's that simple.

Not when the sex isn't mutually wanted.

@Womanofwords For me, I agree that sex is not absolutely essential, but it is often my very favourite way to spend time. It's also something that I can only do with my wife, unlike something like steak & chips where it's fine for me to go and eat it with someone else!

I think different people like sex for different reasons. For some it might just be a release, and then masturbation might be similar. For others it might be how they connect with their partner, so it's very different. For me, I like feeling that my partner desires me and that she is really enjoying sex with me, which isn't something that I can get on my own (and porn wouldn't help with this either.) Have you and your husband talked at all about what his favourite thing about sex is and what yours is? (I agree with the poster who said that it's crappy for your husband to say things like "you're lucky I'm not cheating on you" - that just sounds like manipulation.)

Also wanted to say: I know that some of my male friends around my age (40s) do not prioritise sex so much. So definitely not all men are obsessed with sex (although perhaps a lot are, and society certainly makes it seem that way.)

@Womanofwords Well my dh did have a vasectomy and doesn't watch porn afaikso perhaps that makes a difference.

I’m with you OP.

I love having sex with my husband and it’s great when we have it, but I never feel desperate to have it, or feel like it’s a “must”. We could go a month without sex and it wouldn’t bother me at all.

My husband however regularly makes comments about sex and although I wouldn’t say he harasses me, he certainly thinks about it more than me and mentions it more than me and clearly gets the huff when I don’t respond to his advances.

I don’t see sex as essential at all and if my DH turned round and told me he didn’t ever want to have sex again then I would be fine with that. Sex is more fun than masturbation but I could stay in a sexless marriage as long as masturbation was still allowed 😂

Maybe some people do have such high sex drives that they feel deprived when they aren’t having it and that they can’t stop thinking about it or wanting it, but it’s certainly not something I can relate to.

I couldn’t live with someone like that OP so you have my sympathies!

I love sex, but for me (a female) it is something I do - that I really enjoy. Like you, I enjoy it I the same way I'd enjoy an excellent meal. I love it, I think about it afterwards even! But I think for (many) men sex isn't something that they do, but something that they are. It really ties in with their self identity as a male. It's not just an activity that they enjoy, like eating, it is part of who and what they are as a man.

I have noticed with my partner that I enjoy it more in the moment than he does! But sex is a more important part of his life than it is of mine.

I thought it was fairly well known that (generally) men think about/ need sex more than women. I'm not sure if it's a genetic/ hormonal/ nature thing.

In my own relationship, he needs sex to feel close and then will connect emotionally. I'm the opposite, I need emotional connection before I can have sex. It's caused a number of issues over the decades but we understand it for what it is and we both have different needs.

I realise it can also be partly an ego thing for me. I've bought into the idea that women's desire for sex cam vary hugely depending on how happy they are with their partner. Therefore, if my wife doesn't want to have lots of sex with me, that must mean that I'm not one of those amazing guys who inspire that passion. And if we do have lots of sex, I feel more like I might be a great guy. I'm not saying it's right, but it is a phenomenon for me, and perhaps for OP's husband too.

Testosterone creates the human sex drive. Men have 15x more testosterone, so yes, their sex drive can cause them a great deal of angst when it is not satisfied. Think of a time you've been very horny, for lack of a better word, and multiply that feeling by 15.

This not to excuse your husband's use of porn and the vile things he's said to you, but blithely saying, "I like sex but it's not that important" is your biological reality, not his.

There a several layers to unpack here.

1. You say he isn't pestering you for sex, but him making those digs is almost as bad anyway. It's hardly going to help the situation as he's almost trying to guilt you into doing something that you don't want to do.

2. It's a massive red flag that he has said it's a miracle he hasn't cheated on you. There is no need for him to make you feel like that. If he does cheat, is he then going to turn it round on you and say it's your fault because you wouldn't have sex with him?

3. Sex and masturbation are definitely not the same. Sure, some people just want that release. But for a lot of people, it's about that intimacy, that physical touch, especially with someone you care about.

4. People have different sex drives and different expectations when it comes to sex. There is no right or wrong, it is just personal preference. I've dated men before who insist that a relationship without sex is just a friendship. As a woman, I would want sex with a partner as I see that as one of the many key parts of being in a relationship. It could just be that you two aren't sexually compatible. Or perhaps you're just so busy that it's the last thing on your mind. That is a discussion you need to have together so you can figure out WHY it's not happening. You may surprise yourselves.

Perhaps start by sharing a bed again if possible. Physical intimacy doesn't have to always be sex. Start small.

I’m female and in a marriage where my DH is a bit like you. He is quite happy with once a month (and would go longer I think!) and doesn’t seem to have the physical craving for it.

It’s miserable sometimes. I have given serious thought to leaving. At the same time though, he really is my best friend and there is so much that is good that I have decided to stay, for now. I don’t know what the future holds though.

He is physically affectionate and often gives me compliments but that isn’t really the point.

His sex drive was never as high as mine (I think mine is pretty normal and would be happy with once a week as a minimum) but has got lower over time (no porn addiction, he just isn’t that bothered).

He once compared having sex to going for a run, as in “ sometimes I feel like I can’t be bothered but once I get into it then it’s good” 🙄 Thanks for that! It would be so nice to feel really wanted and desired and I miss that feeling.

Without being big-headed, I know I am attractive and in good shape physically still. My confidence just slips more and more though and I always wonder if I should make even more effort with my clothing and weight etc.

Sometimes I feel angry with him, that he has effectively condemned to a sexless marriage and it isn’t my choice.

He isn’t bothered so thinks that is fine - but I am! And to have a sex drive is normal (physical as well as emotional). I think it’s one of the things that contributes to good mental health as well as a healthy and close relationship.

In my opinion, it’s incredibly unfair for someone just to take sex off the table (as once a month is nothing) but to expect their partner to stay with them. I think it’s cruel and selfish.

Thanks for all your thoughts and for the nuanced responses. It is complicated. I am at the point where I don't feel I want sex until other things have been sorted out, whereas (and I've heard this before), it's probably the other way round for him. He wants sex first.
I think the refusal to get a vasectomy weighed heavier on me than I admitted to myself at the time. That felt selfish. And the porn bothers me too, again, when you are a busy working mum you don't stop and really think about these things very often but it is not easy to know a person is looking at images of other women, there is an element of 'infidelity' in that for me. Or at least it makes me feel insecure about how I match up to that. (and you can bet your bottom dollar if I was wanking over images of blokes all the time it would affect HIS sex drive too, I'm pretty sure!)
I hate the idea of splitting up and having to sell our house, pulling the rug from under the kids etc. It will really fuck us up financially too. But I am starting to feel like this might be the only option.

He says lack of sex makes him 'on his knees in despair', 'depressed', 'frustrated beyond words'. He says it's a 'miracle' that he has not cheated on me. He uses porn which I find repellant

It’s hardly surprising you don’t want to have sex with him when he guilt trips you this way instead of having an adult conversation. And this is before we get into him refusing to sort contraception, the other bad aspects of the relationship, and the mental load of 3 children – I’m going to guess it all falls to you.

He wants you to be grateful he’s not cheated on you, like that’s a favour? It’s not sexy.

What’s the division of household labour, mental labour, parenting, free time and hobbies, hours worked? What does he bring to the party in terms of ensuring you’re not too knackered and resentful to want sex?

@spitefulandbadgrammar as far as the average bloke goes I think he is ok in terms of the house etc. He does do washing, cooks, cleans the bathroom etc. I don't think he does as much as me because I do all the small stuff that doesn't get noticed rather than the big gesture stuff like cleaning one loo LOL. But he does pull his weight to an extent and is a good dad.
He is quite moody and difficult to communicate with these days and gets extremely stressed by family stuff and often withdraws. We have a lot of DIY stuff that needs doing that he just doesn't do, which I get frustrated by. If a room is going to be painted, I do it or it doesn't get done. He doesn't seem to care about stuff like how the house looks from the outside (tumbledown would be my description!). I care. When I say about it he gets angry.
When we met he was the happiest most optimistic soul. I feel it's my fault somehow, I have broken him :-(

I don't think it's "your fault" - you are certainly not obliged to have sex when you don't want to. It's fine for you to want what you want, and it's fine for him to want what he wants (apart from his manipulative comments) - it's just very tricky when your positions are far apart. Do you think you really would want more sex with him if he made a couple of changes? Or is the divide deeper than that now? Could couples counselling be an option?

@MoonbeamsGlittering I don't know. I find it hard to imagine ever having this twice a week sex life that some people seem to. I think I need to think more about why that is. It's not that I don't like sex. I think it's more that I don't feel like having sex. I don't feel attractive (and often, I'm not, I'm busy, I'm tired, my legs are hairy etc). We rarely go out so there is no fun 'dressed up' life. But even if there were, we come home to this house full of teens! Then there is the contraception thing, almost not an issue any more as I'm perimenopause but it spoils sex for me I think. Then there is the porn thing, that is a big deal and upsets me. And then there is the resentment from other areas of our relationship, stupid stuff about bins etc. But if a person is being a dick about some stupid bin issue, it's not very sexy, is it?!