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Original poster

Is it normal for male partner to be obsessed with sex?

152 replies

Womanofwords · 11/10/2023 12:14

I need advice about men's sex drive and how it works, can't believe I just typed that. My partner and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. Having babies has been incredibly disruptive to our sex life for a variety of reasons. But what I don't understand is how difficult he seems to find this, compared to me? He does not pester or harass me and we often sleep in separate beds anyway. Other aspects of our relationship are not great. But when he talks about it it's almost in terms as if I'm depriving him of something that's essential? I don't understand this at all. I love sex, it's great. But just like I love steak and chips, I don't see it as essential?! How is masturbation different to sex, that's another thing I don't understand? If it's simply about the physical release, what's wrong with masturbation and why would that not take away the frustration of wanting sex? He says lack of sex makes him 'on his knees in despair', 'depressed', 'frustrated beyond words'. He says it's a 'miracle' that he has not cheated on me. He uses porn which I find repellant and does not make me feel like having sex much with someone who has that stuff in his head. He says he only watches porn with 'real women' like me LOL. Anyway, it's a big difficult melting pot of a situation as you can read but what I really want you fab women to explain to me is, is this normal? To be so desperate for sex that it rules your life all the time? Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Panaa · 11/10/2023 22:01

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 21:57

Yep, 20+ years

It's only a recent thing, in western societies, to split up over a lack of sex. Different societies have different solutions but 'don't ask don't tell' is still really common in longer term marriages even in the UK.

It's often the one who doesn't want sex who leaves, because the issues were far bigger than sex anyway and/or they are sick of their no not being respected.

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 22:03

Panaa · 11/10/2023 21:59

It's even more pathetic to cheat though. He should just leave and do things the right way.

Show quote history

He should tell her the truth. Or shut up and solve his problem himself.

It sounds like he is hinting. 'oh it's a miracle I have been faithful'. Next thing you know it will be 'well I warned you ....'.

Can't even be direct.

I imagine he is thinking seriously about it already.

He sounds a massive loser, to be fair on op that's not very attractive.

PaintedEgg · 11/10/2023 22:08

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 21:57

Yep, 20+ years

It's only a recent thing, in western societies, to split up over a lack of sex. Different societies have different solutions but 'don't ask don't tell' is still really common in longer term marriages even in the UK.

well, its a recent thing to split up at all. having your husband beat a living daylight out of you used to not be a good enough reason to split

not wanting to be with someone is a good enough reason to split - and frankly, why should people stay married if they dont even like each other?

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 22:13

Sure, split if you don't like each other, why not.

But if you just don't want to have sex with them and other people do, just outsource that part and don't get too het up about it.

Or stay if you prefer to be richer and a bit less happy - plenty of people still making that choice, too. Or bide your time. Plenty of men waiting til their kids are over 18 for example. Cheaper divorce then.

PaintedEgg · 11/10/2023 22:16

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 22:13

Sure, split if you don't like each other, why not.

But if you just don't want to have sex with them and other people do, just outsource that part and don't get too het up about it.

Or stay if you prefer to be richer and a bit less happy - plenty of people still making that choice, too. Or bide your time. Plenty of men waiting til their kids are over 18 for example. Cheaper divorce then.

if the relationship gets to the point of one person not wanting to have sex then it's dead and may as well be buried

every time someone complaints about lack of sex, they also end up mentioning lack of anything that makes the relationship worthwhile (outside of mortgages being a hassle to deal with during the divorce)

VerticalP · 11/10/2023 23:07

What the actual fuck. As a woman would you like someone to suck your c then ride you rotten or would you rather a little solo finger bash?

As a man would you like to get a bit of arm ache for the sake of ejaculation or would you like the warm embrace of a woman's holes?

That's discluding all intimacy. Sex is a lil better

Panaa · 11/10/2023 23:13

VerticalP · 11/10/2023 23:07

What the actual fuck. As a woman would you like someone to suck your c then ride you rotten or would you rather a little solo finger bash?

As a man would you like to get a bit of arm ache for the sake of ejaculation or would you like the warm embrace of a woman's holes?

That's discluding all intimacy. Sex is a lil better

Enthusiastic sex is totally different than duty sex/unwanted sex.

VerticalP · 12/10/2023 01:20

It's amazing how the 2 can become the same thing once you put in the effort.

People have become lazy with every aspect of life

JumalanTerve · 12/10/2023 07:33

Go to couples' counselling, like yesterday! This kind of dynamic/communication mismatch is bread and butter for a good counsellor. Good luck

Jackienory · 12/10/2023 07:59

Porn and masturbation go hand in hand - no pun intended. So it’s a contradiction to be pro one and anti the other. Also sex is a physical and emotional need for many, both men and women, And much more the actual act of release. It’s an affirmation of bond, an expression of love. It’s how people get close to one another. I guess your husband wants that in his marriage. Who’d have thought !.

SheilaFentiman · 12/10/2023 09:07

Jackienory · 12/10/2023 07:59

Porn and masturbation go hand in hand - no pun intended. So it’s a contradiction to be pro one and anti the other. Also sex is a physical and emotional need for many, both men and women, And much more the actual act of release. It’s an affirmation of bond, an expression of love. It’s how people get close to one another. I guess your husband wants that in his marriage. Who’d have thought !.

It is entirely possible to masturbate without porn, using imagination or written/audio erotica.

Panaa · 12/10/2023 10:24

VerticalP · 12/10/2023 01:20

It's amazing how the 2 can become the same thing once you put in the effort.

People have become lazy with every aspect of life

Pretty rare for someone who doesn't really sexually desire their partner, often due to relationship issues to be able to get to the point where they have enthusiastic sex, even if they do put effort in.

Sexual desire doesn't work that way.

Panaa · 12/10/2023 10:25

SheilaFentiman · 12/10/2023 09:07

It is entirely possible to masturbate without porn, using imagination or written/audio erotica.

Show quote history

Or without thinking of sex at all, and just focusing on sensation, but maybe that's rare for men.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/10/2023 10:59

@Panaa I agree. It's either there or it isn't in my experience. Mine disappeared down the plug hole never to be seen again when I found out my H had been a shit to me 10 years previously- we didn't split, I do care still but was in my late 50s and sex drive never came back. Hence my previous posts about affairs, but also about porn.

PaintedEgg · 12/10/2023 12:18

SheilaFentiman · 12/10/2023 09:07

It is entirely possible to masturbate without porn, using imagination or written/audio erotica.

Show quote history

i've heard about kink shaming, but "medium to masturbate to" shaming is surely a new one...

SheilaFentiman · 12/10/2023 13:23

PaintedEgg · 12/10/2023 12:18

i've heard about kink shaming, but "medium to masturbate to" shaming is surely a new one...

Show quote history

In what way was that shaming?

the previous poster said the following:

“Porn and masturbation go hand in hand - no pun intended. So it’s a contradiction to be pro one and anti the other. “

I was pointing out that they could be separated.

PaintedEgg · 12/10/2023 13:38

SheilaFentiman · 12/10/2023 13:23

In what way was that shaming?

the previous poster said the following:

“Porn and masturbation go hand in hand - no pun intended. So it’s a contradiction to be pro one and anti the other. “

I was pointing out that they could be separated.

Show quote history

sure, but it depends what someone is taking an issue with

are they against porn because of the serious ethical concerns regarding human trafficking and exploitation, or is it because they feel jealous? if it is the latter then i doubt someone like this would be pacified knowing their partner just imagined sex (potentially with other people) or reads erotica (to imagine other people having sex)

SheilaFentiman · 12/10/2023 13:45

And neither of those is “shaming”

HTH.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/10/2023 13:51

@PaintedEgg it doesn't have to be either of those- I'm against it because I find it a total turn off in a bloke- im not jealous of him looking at them- just turned off

Panaa · 12/10/2023 14:00

PaintedEgg · 12/10/2023 12:18

i've heard about kink shaming, but "medium to masturbate to" shaming is surely a new one...

Show quote history

It wasn't shaming, but if it was how would that be a new one?

For as long as I've been on the internet there's been people who have issues with their partners masturbating to porn etc.

Mumof3confused · 12/10/2023 14:07

Well he sounds delightful!

I don’t blame you one bit for not being attracted to him. Is he a bit of a man child? Deeply unattractive.

Also his comments are bordering on sexual coercion. I don’t think it’s you; it’s him.

PaintedEgg · 12/10/2023 14:15

Panaa · 12/10/2023 14:00

It wasn't shaming, but if it was how would that be a new one?

For as long as I've been on the internet there's been people who have issues with their partners masturbating to porn etc.

Show quote history

i meant that they mind medium used to masturbate but actively encourage masturbation to avoid having sex with their partner

Mrsgreen100 · 27/12/2023 20:59

As a woman I was deprived of sex and intamcy by my coercive, controlling partner for years
it makes me weep to think of the wasted years
I stuck by him , thankful I’m rid of him now chucked his cheating arse out
I even suggested we had an open relationship
i was so missing that part of life , he refused of course, If I had only known what he was doing behind my back
it’s different for everyone but if your sex drives are different, it’s got to be something to talk about maybe time for a romantic reset between you
sort it out
good luck

Indifferentchickenwings · 27/12/2023 21:50

I’m not sure if this is helpful or not
but as a single woman (single mum) similar age to you
as a I was (past tense ) dating I had to get sexy again
so all the shebang that comes with that
grooming , shaving
anyway I enjoyed the sex ALOT
and to some extent the primping , shaving etc made me feel sexy

so I’d say if you don’t feel horny for him , doesn’t mean you wouldn’t feel horny for someone else

on the one hand I’ve seen men who are like this about sex

on the other hands the porn use and the ‘miracle I haven't cheated’ comments are a turn off

sounds like you both need to communicate
and I can’t see anyway of resolving this unless you both talk it out and listen to each other

TheCosyScroller · 30/06/2024 13:31

When you said Perimenopause I know exactly what you’re going through. I use to have a sex drive that matched my bfs however lack of oestrogen affects a woman labido. Your hormones are playing havoc with your body and how you feel. You will feel more tired also. My bf misses how I use to be but unfortunately the menopause transition known as perimenopause disrupts how we feel, and sleep. Until you get to the end of this you will not have the desire to have sex as much.This is not your fault, it is something you can’t control and maybe discussing this with your husband may make him understand. I started my perimenopause at the age of 39 and I am 43 this September. I feel upset that my youth was taken at a young age and have had to jump through hoops to get medication on the NHS. Look up what perimenopause does to your mind and your body. If your partner can’t cope anymore maybe it is best you part ways because what you going through is hard enough without the pressures and demands from your husband. My bf is sex mad and it frustrates me at time. I have spoke to him and he is trying to understand. He loves me too much to let this affect our relationship. He would never say to me or put me down for not wanting sex on a particular day, because he knows I am going through a lot with the menopause transition. If he can’t comes to terms with it then he has the choice to leave. You can not control how this makes you feel so please do not blame yourself. Much love and care to you and I hope you both find a solution. 💕

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