Is it normal for male partner to be obsessed with sex?

[Womanofwords]

I need advice about men's sex drive and how it works, can't believe I just typed that. My partner and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. Having babies has been incredibly disruptive to our sex life for a variety of reasons. But what I don't understand is how difficult he seems to find this, compared to me? He does not pester or harass me and we often sleep in separate beds anyway. Other aspects of our relationship are not great. But when he talks about it it's almost in terms as if I'm depriving him of something that's essential? I don't understand this at all. I love sex, it's great. But just like I love steak and chips, I don't see it as essential?! How is masturbation different to sex, that's another thing I don't understand? If it's simply about the physical release, what's wrong with masturbation and why would that not take away the frustration of wanting sex? He says lack of sex makes him 'on his knees in despair', 'depressed', 'frustrated beyond words'. He says it's a 'miracle' that he has not cheated on me. He uses porn which I find repellant and does not make me feel like having sex much with someone who has that stuff in his head. He says he only watches porn with 'real women' like me LOL. Anyway, it's a big difficult melting pot of a situation as you can read but what I really want you fab women to explain to me is, is this normal? To be so desperate for sex that it rules your life all the time? Thanks for your thoughts.

That’s like me, lack of sex for me is like being deprived and again without my being big headed, it we’re out / at neighbours parties I get hit on and if wife suspects this she gets very upset.

I’ve said my needs aren’t being met, but the thing is she loves sex when we have it about once per month, EG she wants to kiss all night, so it’s super intense, but then I feel on edge as the weeks roll by, Strictly Come Dancing blaring out and me just wanting a hot night of passion which doesn’t occur.

We argue about this, and if it’s a bad argument she suddenly becomes insecure and then some sort of Stockhome Syndrome makes her like a wild siren for passion.

It’s almost as if the heated row flicks a switch in her mind.

So my big quandary is whether to plough on with this feeling of days ticking by in life without feeling really alive. My internal Beast seems very hard to placate , hard as I try, there he is whispering thoughts into my erotic mind, ah well.

Basically, he is not trying to build intimacy to get you in the mood. He is making no effort then complaining about it.
He needs to take some responsibility and do more of his share. He should also be making more effort in his day to day relationship with you. To make you feel loved, appreciated, beautiful.

Instead he's not happy and he's adding that to your tower of problems to fix.
And then loads of people are coming on here banging on about how important sex is and they couldn't live without it.

Fine but I hope you all make a proper effort with your partners Instead of stomping your feet and demanding it.

I’ve suggest an open marriage, even this week I said it again but my wife says it’s not something she could bare.

She’s content with now n again sex.

I had an affair 2 yrs ago, but I ended it much to my regret now, it was the perfect antidote but it got super intense very quickly so it was to much.

No set days here and no dates. I don't want anything that's like a relationship, and, as PP said, there's no staying over. We text occasionally in between as we are friends, but when meeting we just hook up. I'm in the three weeks and climbing the walls camp, so a couple of times a month, sometimes more, sometimes less. I usually know if they're having sex with other people, as much as it's ever possible to know, But there is always double protection, and I get tested.

There is no one way to do this. People are different, and so are these setups.

Yes good point, I meant to say that the OPs hubby has a responsibility to make her feel aroused if possible. I am aware of married women claiming they just aren’t really into sex, but I am confident most would be very into intimacy with the right guy.

I train 6 days a week to stay honed and I often wonder why guys let themselves go only to then bemoan lack of marital intimacy

That’s the problem isn’t it. They don’t want to do something you require to be happy which ok they don’t have to but they also don’t want anyone else to make you happy either but they want you to stay. So you are just expected to be unhappy for them to be happy.

The affair was wrong tho. Should leave tbh if they won’t open up the relationship or change.

It's not logical.
Just because it's not her main priority or something she needs doesn't mean that she thinks it's a meaningless 'nothing' thing that she wouldn't mind him doing with other people and then coming home to her 😷

Also anyone who has at any point had any decent sex or sex with someone they cared about at one point knows that it can be a hugely bonding and connecting experience...so no it's not logical to let your partner sleep with others, unless you've never had sex that bonds or connects?? because that's the only way your logic makes sense.

She's given lots of reasons why I can see why she doesn't want sex with him, perhaps if she was with another man or got her own bit on the side she'd want more sex too, so opening the relationship for him alone wouldn't be fair, why does he get not just the sex, but the fun, excitement, new connections, feeling of being desirable etc while she gets none of that?

Did you suggest an open marriage on both sides or just for you?

But she doesn't find it particularly bonding or enjoyable or she'd be doing it more often.

I find it hugely bonding, as well as enjoyable. Which is why I do it often.

I couldn't really manage without it, which is why I would be understanding if I stopped having sex and my partner wanted to continue with someone else I can empathise enough to see why that's okay

OHMYGODDONT:

I looked at an affairs dating and most on there say it’s driven by lack of marital intimacy but that they don’t want to destroy their marriage. For one thing a break-up can devastate children and many feel the kid’s needs are paramount particularly if the marriage is happy other than with regards to the intimacy desert

Yep, a marriage without wonderful intimacy is akin to a friendship, IMO.

I get that and again it’s down to the one partner not wanting to compromise on either more sex or an open relationship but again they get to be the victim or the happy one while the other is the bad guy or unhappy.

Which isn’t fair but unless your willing to leave you end up the loser.

Sex is fundamental to the intimacy of most relationships. What you appear to be drifting towards is a parental partnership.

I'm sure you still get horny, if he ain't floating your boat then you either need to work on that or consider if you would you be happier apart?

I am a man, I have a shit sex drive, but my Mrs of near 20 years and >3 kids still fires me up and if I really can't be bothered ill still put the effort in or grab a toy and get her off, usually you find the mood switches during that anyway

Try again.

It was probably just the excitement of the first affair. Next time might be intimate but less intense, particularly if you go online to choose someone rather than falling for someone at work/someone you know. More calculated on both sides from the beginning

Yeah she doesn't find it particularly bonding most likely because of the other issues in the relationship, which is normal and common and if more men understood that then their sex lives probably wouldn't die!!!

If you find it hugely bonding then your 'logical' solution surely stops being so logical....allow your partner to sleep with others so the family stay together...but let them do something hugely bonding with someone else? Then there's a new reason that the family might split up so that makes no sense.

It's one thing having empathy if the relationship is great and you just lose your libido completely even though your partner is wonderful.....but it doesn't sound like that's the case here at all, she's turned off him, so it's like rewarding poor behaviour to let him sleep with others 😂especially if she's not allowed to do the same herself.

He's free to end the relationship if he wants. She's not trapping him so doesn't need to let him sleep with others.

This is good advice.
I think you've got a lot going on in this relationship and you seem very clear on what the issues are.
And they are all solvable.
And I personally think with a bit of effort and guidance you'd both get back on track.
A good marriage doesn't happen by accident, and sometimes you really have ti put in the donkey work.

And affairs devastate children too.
A huge amount of affairs are found out.

Anyone who has an affair but tries to say they're doing it because the kids needs are paramount are doing a lot of mental gymnastics or straight up lying to themselves.

A cheater could cheat in the morning and be found out by the afternoon and then boom the childs whole world implodes and it's normally a far more chaotic break up than it would have been if the parent tried to handle the break up maturely.

I must admit I'm quite gobsmacked too at the number of men who have had affairs and then simply expect that because they haven't split the wife will feel 100% about them- including sex- hadn't they factored in that the wife/partner may well not split for all kinds of reasons , but may also not feel 100% the same about them

Now that really is stupid!

It's a long term solution to a specific problem that keeps the outside veneer of marriage intact - finances, family home, status. But things are usually not great to look to it as a solution.

Well if that's the case, maybe time to separate? You're clearly depriving him..it's not fair on him either

No, it's stupid to think that you have the right to make decisions for another person.

By unilaterally withdrawing sex?

That goes both ways. No one should expect anyone to remain in a relationship and be celibate. If he can't, though, he should end the marriage.

But she hasn't. And the implication that it can be withdrawn makes it seem like a right rather than a privilege.

Perhaps you should split up if neither are willing to compromise