Is it normal for male partner to be obsessed with sex?

[Womanofwords]

I need advice about men's sex drive and how it works, can't believe I just typed that. My partner and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. Having babies has been incredibly disruptive to our sex life for a variety of reasons. But what I don't understand is how difficult he seems to find this, compared to me? He does not pester or harass me and we often sleep in separate beds anyway. Other aspects of our relationship are not great. But when he talks about it it's almost in terms as if I'm depriving him of something that's essential? I don't understand this at all. I love sex, it's great. But just like I love steak and chips, I don't see it as essential?! How is masturbation different to sex, that's another thing I don't understand? If it's simply about the physical release, what's wrong with masturbation and why would that not take away the frustration of wanting sex? He says lack of sex makes him 'on his knees in despair', 'depressed', 'frustrated beyond words'. He says it's a 'miracle' that he has not cheated on me. He uses porn which I find repellant and does not make me feel like having sex much with someone who has that stuff in his head. He says he only watches porn with 'real women' like me LOL. Anyway, it's a big difficult melting pot of a situation as you can read but what I really want you fab women to explain to me is, is this normal? To be so desperate for sex that it rules your life all the time? Thanks for your thoughts.

I agree with some other posters, I think sex is really important in a relationship, it’s the only thing you can only do with that person after all and I wouldn’t want to be in a sexless relationship. But also, if there was no other “intimacy” in my relationship my sex drive would probably be lower, for example if we weren’t kissing, cuddling etc outside of the bedroom. Another thing to consider is a lot of women have what is called “responsive desire”, which basically means that a lot of women off their own back will rarely initiate sex, because their “desire” doesn’t really kick in until some kind of foreplay has begun, even if that’s just a kiss and cuddle in bed, or a dirty text throughout the day for example. Obviously that doesn’t apply to all women but it’s something to think about?

Regarding porn and sex drive, I think watching porn probably does boost your sex drive. I suppose to take your steak and chips example, if you saw a pic of someone out for a steak on your Instagram, it would probably make you fancy one? I also think there’s sort of a porn alternative for women now in dirty books becoming more mainstream (not that I’m saying women can’t or don’t watch porn, well aware that they do!), but as an example I’m part of a book club where the women are often joking about how they read the book in bed with their husband and it gets them “in the mood” 🤣 so I do think porn, in whatever format it takes, does boost your sex drive! X

@Womanofwords

why don’t you just split up Op?
neither of you sound very happy

@LuckySantangelo35 we are in a house that is going to be very hard to sell, because it is not finished, and what we get for it probably won't buy 2 houses, one for each of us. So financially we are quite trapped. Lots of financial commitments with kids too. And also I hesitate to take away the security of our home from the kids, and split them between 2 houses? I guess I just fear all of that. But it's the financial side that is the biggest barrier. If I had more money it might have already happened.

Maybe it's worth going to relationship counselling - you resent him for valid reasons - and why would you want sex with someone you resent? It'd be weird. He's just focusing on lack of sex as the problem because the other issues would involve him having to make an effort to remedy matters. It's possible with a mediating presence you might be able to hear each other out and move forward.

I don't think @Womanofwords a lot of men realise how much their porn use (especially if they lie about it and are secretive) gives many women the creeps and is a total turn off. I only realised how much if it was going on when we had a few other issues (I was 80% sure he was cheating) so I monitored the router stats. It was ridiculous, most days, certainly multiple times a week, occasionally multiple times a day. Instead of coming to the point we had a few casual chats about his view on it after watching a few documentaries and he was adamant that he wasn't interested etc, etc. that's where I realised men can be utterly convincing at telling you complete crap. It also made him become exactly like your husband. More he watched it, less I was interested, so basically created his own viscious circle. It's all very well him saying you should be greatful he hasn't cheated- he should be greatful you haven't told him to go and do one. Not every women tolerates it within a relationship

People are different. For some men it'll be a major issue as it will for some women. I think the key thing is for both of you to be content with the situation. It's when there's an imbalance that the problems arise.

Have been with my husband for decades, sex has always been important to me (he says him too), but he always prioritised porn. It did not help our sex life.

A previous poster said that they thought that it might make someone want sex more - absolutely not in out case. He satisfied himself, he was done and I was left on the shelf. I embarrassingly tried my best to get his interest (toys, games clothes, I felt and still feel very pathetic for that), but to no avail. He just did not return my interest.

And it absolutely did damaged my sex drive because I felt so awful about myself and rejected. He had hidden his porn use, so I didn't realise that was the issue.

We had a shittier than usual year where he didn't step up to support me through things he really should have and after a series of very heated discussions it came out that he had never really bothered with me because of porn. Despite finding me attractive, supposedly. Anyway, he got a vasectomy, his suggestion and stopped using porn (he says, but I am as sure as I can be that's true). It massively improved how I felt about him, and our sex life is very much improved. Although I do still feel quite pathetic about it all. But I also didn't want to break our family and home and be worse off financially.

I do love him, but still am very angry about how irrelevant I was. Who knows if it'll last, but honest and very painful conversations helped us get through. But porn had a very bad effect on both of us.

I’m so glad I am single. I’m done with being whined at by babies or men.

Are you not having sex at all?

I don’t think you can expect him to be celibate, and I don’t think you wish to have sex with him. So either open marriage or close the marriage down.

No one is going to want to have sex if they feel that threats are being made

I think that masturbation is not the same as sex, and if I don't have sex much , then I feel deprived and unsettled. I don't think I'm obsessed with sex, but when I was with my ex husband who never wanted sex, it was absolutely rubbish for my self esteem. He used to make me feel like some sort of perve or nympho. I think a lot of people probably would have cheated if they felt like I did. (I never cheated though)

If he's not actually harassing you for sex, but he's communicated to you that it's really important to him and that he needs sex, then what is wrong with that?
Sex is quite a normal and basic desire for most adults. Sexual and emotional intimacy with your partner is something that is normal to crave in a monogamous loving relationship.

For a lot of people, sex is an essential part of their lives.

Obviously it's not essential in the same way eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing are.

But most people would consider regular human contact in some form essential.

For most people, if they don't have another human to talk to for a couple of days, they'll start to go a bit stir crazy. If you never get a hug off anyone, it takes an emotional toll on your mental health.

For a lot of people, sex is at that level. I'm not physically going to die if I don't have it, but it's not good for my mental health.

And no, masturbation doesn't cut it in the same way that talking to yourself could never replace a genuine conversation with another human, or that stroking a cat doesn't replace a hug from a person. The physical release of orgasm is nice, but it's not the point. It's about sharing something with your partner, with another human being.

The problem is that sex is the one thing that most people can't do with anyone else. You can have a conversation with anyone, you can hug your kids, your Mum, your best friend, but most people don't want their partner to have sex with someone else.

Which leads to a lot of people in relationships with mismatched sex drives who either aren't getting enough sex, or are being pressured into having sex.

My DP is a bit like you OP, she enjoys sex, but it's very low down her priority list. So we muddle along, I get less sex than I'd like, but I don't pressure her, because there's nothing less attractive than someone begging for a shag.

For her part, when she is in the mood she makes sure it happens, and I try my best to make sure the mental load is shared, as she's far more likely to be in the mood if her mental to-do list isn't a mile long.

But she knows that I'm not willing to be in a sexless relationship, or in a relationship where the other person is only having sex to keep me happy, and every few years things start to slip so we have to have a conversation where I express that I'm unhappy with our sex life, we talk about what the blockers are and move forward from there.

You don't have to have sex that you don't want to OP, but equally your husband doesn't have to stay in a relationship where his needs aren't being met, so your best bet is to try and work out what'll make you want more sex, and work on it together.

OP, sounds as if your relationship with this moody selfish man is on its very last legs and he is twittering on about sex when you quite understandably don't want him near you.

I think you need to spell out to him just how disconnected you are from him.

His claim you are lucky he hasn't cheated would be a final nail for many.

It is amazing how many mens refusal to have a vasectomy is linked with a breakdown in sexual relations within marriages.

10-15 years ago this was quite the topic in my circle of friends.

Familys were finished and husbands were told it was time for them to sort out a vasectomy.

Quite a few were skittish and their wives said fine, everything is off the table until it is sorted.

It took a while but most came round.
A few relented and condoms were used but resentment set in and whilst the marriages are still in tact, their sex life hasn't ever fully recovered.
Menopause would have had a huge impact too.

So how does porn fit into that equation??

I am in exactly the same boat. I'm female, and almost 54. I also concur with Op's husband's feelings, of being on his knees with despair over lack of sex. We manage once a month at most. I actually start to feel unwell after a month of no intimacy, probably because I am so angry inside. I have also made veiled threats to my DH. Things get better then slide back.

I agree with Billy1966.

I think your husband's comments about sex have made you consider why you don't want sex with him, but this seems to be eclipsing the fact that you possibly no longer want a relationship with him.

I've noticed that a lot of men seem to get quite miserable and difficult as they get older (they certainly have in my family) leaving their female partners pretty unhappy too.

Start planning how and when you can set yourself free...?

Sex is so much more than just the physical…though with the right person thats awesome too.

In any healthy relationship It’s connection, closeness, the sense of just the two of you in a world noone else gets to see or experience…your bubble. For me its a daily rebuilding of trust and healing of any small hurts we might have caused one another.
I love how sexy and desirable it makes me feel and the sense of abandon And Losing myself from the every day stresses of life.

I lived in a sexless marriage for years and I missed it occasionally. With my new partner its on such a different level of awesomeness that I miss it and and disconnected if we dont have it most days.

I’m female.

I am so grateful to all of you for your comments. I need to give this a lot of thought. I just feel so sad and terrified at the thought of splitting up our family. And no idea how it will work financially. I have been talking to him via whatsapp all day...maybe we will get somewhere eventually. Counselling maybe. I don't know but anyway this thread has been super helpful. x

Also not that poster but I agree with her, and that's why, as a single woman, I have FWB arrangements. Sex is important to me.

Again, just genuinely interested, but how does this arrangement work? Do you have set days in the week where you meet? And is it just sex you meet up for or do you go out for food and drinks etc too? And is it okay for you both to be having sex with other people at the same time or does it have to be a monogamous FWB set-up?

Yes, men are a lot crazier about sex than us. I'm sure sometimes they think with the head in their pants.

But this behaviour sounds manipulative and borderline sexually abusive . This behaviour is not okay or normal at all.

@HeadAgainstWall0923 not the poster you asked however with the ones I know about it varies.

Some have “dates” as such to fill the gap but as friends basically going for a meal together who then have sex after. Others just basically text to hook up and that’s it. Obviously if you’ve got young children it’s more a kids have visitation eow so apart from a baby sitter or sneaking in once asleep it’s eow sex only.

Most are pretty strict with the whole no sleeping over as that gets messy feelings wise for one or the other normally.

A lot of guys feel lonely and undesired in a marriage with little or no intimacy, sounds like you two are on totality different pages. Some marriages are strong without intimacy but others not.

As a guy I have a high sex drive, it’s making me have thoughts about having an affair.

I'm tired, perimenopausal, don't feel appreciated or sexy (particularly with the porn thing), he won't have a vasectomy...and also other aspects of our relationship being devoid of connection, romance, etc.

Sounds like your body is telling you just why you don't want sex with your h: there are too many unresolved issues and areas of resentment that you need to sort out first. 💐

If sex is not important to you then why not just let him have sex with other people? You can stay together, keep the house and family together etc.

This is the part I don't understand about people who don't find sex important but their partner does. It's a really logical solution to a problem.

If it doesn't seem a good solution then why is that? Does sex actually hold meaning? If so, what?

For me, I would never allow myself to be in your partner's position. I don't have much respect for whiney men who don't look for solutions. He could have outsourced this years ago, been discreet, kept the marriage together.