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Original poster

Is it normal for male partner to be obsessed with sex?

152 replies

Womanofwords · 11/10/2023 12:14

I need advice about men's sex drive and how it works, can't believe I just typed that. My partner and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. Having babies has been incredibly disruptive to our sex life for a variety of reasons. But what I don't understand is how difficult he seems to find this, compared to me? He does not pester or harass me and we often sleep in separate beds anyway. Other aspects of our relationship are not great. But when he talks about it it's almost in terms as if I'm depriving him of something that's essential? I don't understand this at all. I love sex, it's great. But just like I love steak and chips, I don't see it as essential?! How is masturbation different to sex, that's another thing I don't understand? If it's simply about the physical release, what's wrong with masturbation and why would that not take away the frustration of wanting sex? He says lack of sex makes him 'on his knees in despair', 'depressed', 'frustrated beyond words'. He says it's a 'miracle' that he has not cheated on me. He uses porn which I find repellant and does not make me feel like having sex much with someone who has that stuff in his head. He says he only watches porn with 'real women' like me LOL. Anyway, it's a big difficult melting pot of a situation as you can read but what I really want you fab women to explain to me is, is this normal? To be so desperate for sex that it rules your life all the time? Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 11/10/2023 20:15

@PosterBoy all fine and dandy if partner is aware of it and goes along with it-problem is that isn't usually the situation , hence wife/partner has her agency removed to decide what works for her and then although she may not decide to split , she may no longer feel 100% the same- and that includes sex. Therefore any bloke in my opinion having secretive affairs regardless of because it being due to lack of intimacy has to be prepared that if discovered it may end/change the marriage/relationship

Hellsmells · 11/10/2023 20:16

She needs to feel more secure within their relationship to make sex happen. That is not what she feels. He has behaved in a way that hasn't encouraged her feeling attracted to him. And then blamed her.

Crikeyalmighty · 11/10/2023 20:19

I do agree though that if it's a huge issue for one or the other of you then anyone has the right to decide it's a dealbreaker and the partner needs to respect that choice. What I am saying is that affairs aren't the solution unless it's been agreed and discussed

Crikeyalmighty · 11/10/2023 20:20

@Hellsmells I totally agree.

PaintedEgg · 11/10/2023 20:22

question: if sex life dies down as a result of other issues in the relationship, how is having an affair going to fix those issues?

if partner A does not want to have sex with Partner B because the latter did something upsetting (possibly not even related to sex at all), then having sex somewhere else fixes exactly none of the problems with the relationship

so why would you even bother staying together?

Trianglesandcircles1 · 11/10/2023 20:24

In my experience women can 'go off' sex and withdraw from participation in response to the man also withdrawing from participation.

If he doesn't participate fully in housework
If he doesn't participate fully in household projects
If he doesn't participate fully in the children's lives and plans
If he doesn't participate fully in childcare
If he doesn't participate fully in the mental load of running a home
If he doesn't participate fully with extended family
If he doesn't participate fully with finances - earning and planning
If he doesn't participate fully in romance and 'special events'
If he doesn't participate in meaningful conversations
If he doesn't participate in mutual caring and consideration and respect

Then she won't participate in sex.

(The sexes could be reversed in the above, but it is usually this way round).

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 20:24

Hellsmells · 11/10/2023 20:11

But she hasn't. And the implication that it can be withdrawn makes it seem like a right rather than a privilege.

Sex is neither a right nor a privilege. It's a consensual decision between two adults.

Monogamy is an expectation of most / many relationships (although perhaps less so with longer term relationships where there is a more realistic expectation of discretion), but monogamy is not a very realistic expectation if sex is withdrawn or severely limited by one party unilaterally

Hellsmells · 11/10/2023 20:29

But it hasn't been withdrawn

Hellsmells · 11/10/2023 20:31

And neither should that decision be made by one part of the couple. Both aspects need to be discussed and agreed otherwise you are both not giving each other a consual relationship

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 20:36

Hellsmells · 11/10/2023 20:29

But it hasn't been withdrawn

in ops example? No, and he hasn't been unfaithful either.

Hellsmells · 11/10/2023 20:48

Nor has she, so your post about infidelity doesn't have much relevance to this situation!

ConflictofInterest · 11/10/2023 20:50

I don't really understand people saying that by not having sex that partner is forcing the other partner to stay in a sexless marriage. Why can't that partner just leave? There's no force involved in not wanting to do something. The person who doesn't want sex doesn't have to be the one to end the relationship if they're happy with the status quo, surely it's up to the one who's dissatisfied to make that decision. I'm in a similar situation OP after my DH made it clear he wanted no more children but also wouldn't have a vasectomy or use condoms. He was quite clear he was happy to take the risk of any side effects of me being sterilised but wouldn't consider the (much lower) risks for himself. We've had the conversation about separating since he is unhappy with no sex but he refuses to leave. I'm quite happy to continue friendly co-parenting. I expect he won't leave because I do all the housework and childcare as well as earn more than him so we just pootle along like this until the kids grow up and we figure something new out.

shoeawsome · 11/10/2023 20:51

These things change with life though don't they!

When I was forty, had an easy job, single and had a lot of time on my hands to think about sex, when I was in a relationship I couldn't get enough of it!

15 years later married, menopausal, big job which takes up most of thinking time & I couldn't care if I had sex again! I do because I love my husband and enjoy the physical closeness but only about twice per month!

If he was watching porn & trying to guilt me into sex I wouldn't be having sex with him again!

Op I totally see why on a house with teenagers you aren't up for swingling from the light fittings never mind the other stuff!

BeckiWithAnI · 11/10/2023 20:51

Split whilst you’re ahead.

I’m not saying pressuring you and making threats is correct, but that’s a man who is desperately trying to communicate his unhappiness to you and it’s falling completely on deaf ears.

Sex IS important to many people in relationships as a way of maintaining love, trust, intimacy and commitment. Your dismissal of “can’t he just pleasure himself” as an acceptable alternative for someone who clearly needs sex within their marriage is childish and unkind.

He’s not communicating his needs effectively, and ultimately if working on your sex life is not something you’re prepared to do either then you just want different things in life, and you should be kind enough to let him go.

All I would say is that if in two years you come on MN as one of the “innocent” betrayed spouses looking for sympathy then you can get in the bin.

Could a bigger red flag that your marriage is in jeopardy be waved in your face? Go to counselling, learn to communicate, figure out whether you want the same things from life and marriage, decide whether you are both willing to compromise, or just divorce already and both move on to find people who will meet your needs.

HangingOver · 11/10/2023 20:53

*I am aware of married women claiming they just aren’t really into sex, but I am confident most would be very into intimacy with the right guy.

I train 6 days a week to stay honed*

Yawn/barf.

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 21:03

Hellsmells · 11/10/2023 20:48

Nor has she, so your post about infidelity doesn't have much relevance to this situation!

It's an ongoing thread looking at all different aspects.

I'm always interested in the opinion of women like the op themselves that it's not okay to simply outsource sex, whilst simultaneously believing it's not all that important in a relationship. And yet are ready to split up and suffer financially because they don't want to have sex but also don't want their partner to have sex. If it's not that big a deal, why ruin yourself financially over it? Just turn a blind eye.

Anyway, op also asked about what people do if they are single. Throughout my adult life I have refused to go more than a few weeks without sex. It's easy as a woman to find a consenting man for free. Sometimes I would do a one-off hook up, sometimes a longer term FWB relationship. A lot of single people have someone like that to fall back on. It's easy. Ops partner sounds a bit pathetic though - the one thing I wouldn't do is wang on about it to someone who didn't want to shag me. Dignity out the door. Either sort things out by finding a part time solution, or leave.

SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2023 21:09

@ConflictofInterest

”I'm in a similar situation OP after my DH made it clear he wanted no more children but also wouldn't have a vasectomy or use condoms. “

Well, he’s not going to get laid if you split up either, with that attitude. I’m sorry he’s such a twatbadger.

Panaa · 11/10/2023 21:23

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 19:56

Now that really is stupid!

It's a long term solution to a specific problem that keeps the outside veneer of marriage intact - finances, family home, status. But things are usually not great to look to it as a solution.

Show quote history

'Possible' solution, but one that often has disastrous consequences.

One possibility being that the relationship ends in chaotic circumstances making it a hell of a lot worse for the kids than it would have been if it had been a civil split.

Also many who cheat either have to live with a lot of guilt, or they find that sex outside the marriage doesn't actually make them feel better because they really want sex with their spouse, or some spend a long time pining over the AP when the affair ends.

I would at least hope that the people who choose to cheat and seek it elsewhere have the decency to stop trying it on with their partner, but many don't, which is disgusting.

Panaa · 11/10/2023 21:37

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 21:03

It's an ongoing thread looking at all different aspects.

I'm always interested in the opinion of women like the op themselves that it's not okay to simply outsource sex, whilst simultaneously believing it's not all that important in a relationship. And yet are ready to split up and suffer financially because they don't want to have sex but also don't want their partner to have sex. If it's not that big a deal, why ruin yourself financially over it? Just turn a blind eye.

Anyway, op also asked about what people do if they are single. Throughout my adult life I have refused to go more than a few weeks without sex. It's easy as a woman to find a consenting man for free. Sometimes I would do a one-off hook up, sometimes a longer term FWB relationship. A lot of single people have someone like that to fall back on. It's easy. Ops partner sounds a bit pathetic though - the one thing I wouldn't do is wang on about it to someone who didn't want to shag me. Dignity out the door. Either sort things out by finding a part time solution, or leave.

Show quote history

Again, sex not being a big deal to a person doesn't mean that it's not a big deal for the other person to have it with someone else. That's just ridiculous.

OP said there's no romance and connection elsewhere either, that doesn't mean she should go and let another man romance her and take her on dates....and that her husband shouldn't or wouldn't care because he doesn't romance her so he should be fine with another man doing it.

People and relationships don't work that way and you know it.

I also don't believe for a second that you haven't went a few weeks without sex in your adult life seeing as you're a man posting on MN 😂

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 21:42

Nope, I'm a woman. To be fair I am now in my 50s and slowing down. When I think of my antics in the past! If I needed sex, I needed sex. I can go a couple of weeks now without feeling too desperate. It's freeing, in a way.

Ops husband is pathetic though. Hard to fancy anyone who moans about not getting enough sex. Do something about it, man!

PermanentTemporary · 11/10/2023 21:47

Just another answer to your original questions.

My sex drive has varied a lot over life. When I was widowed it hit the roof. For about three years it became my main focus. Masturbation helped a little but it was like taking a paracetamol and still having a headache, it took the edge off but no more than that; I felt a bit less tense but not really calm, whereas actual sex even without an orgasm made me feel completely satiated and stopped all my worries and stresses in their tracks for anything from a day to a week. I felt lucky that even at 50 and overweight it is easy for a woman to get casual sex, so I went out and got it. Without it... I just felt raw and out of whack, angry and depressed.

I do sympathise with your husband's sex drive and how he is feeling, but I also hugely sympathise with you. I do think there's potential for couples therapy to work for you both. I really hope so.

PaintedEgg · 11/10/2023 21:51

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 21:03

It's an ongoing thread looking at all different aspects.

I'm always interested in the opinion of women like the op themselves that it's not okay to simply outsource sex, whilst simultaneously believing it's not all that important in a relationship. And yet are ready to split up and suffer financially because they don't want to have sex but also don't want their partner to have sex. If it's not that big a deal, why ruin yourself financially over it? Just turn a blind eye.

Anyway, op also asked about what people do if they are single. Throughout my adult life I have refused to go more than a few weeks without sex. It's easy as a woman to find a consenting man for free. Sometimes I would do a one-off hook up, sometimes a longer term FWB relationship. A lot of single people have someone like that to fall back on. It's easy. Ops partner sounds a bit pathetic though - the one thing I wouldn't do is wang on about it to someone who didn't want to shag me. Dignity out the door. Either sort things out by finding a part time solution, or leave.

Show quote history

are you or have you ever been in a long term relationship?

in general if one side does not want to have sex with their partner it's the end of the road (unless there is a medical reason). So yes, they'd rather split up because they would rather not have sex, not talk to, not do grocery shopping with, and not look at their partner

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 21:57

Yep, 20+ years

It's only a recent thing, in western societies, to split up over a lack of sex. Different societies have different solutions but 'don't ask don't tell' is still really common in longer term marriages even in the UK.

Panaa · 11/10/2023 21:59

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 21:42

Nope, I'm a woman. To be fair I am now in my 50s and slowing down. When I think of my antics in the past! If I needed sex, I needed sex. I can go a couple of weeks now without feeling too desperate. It's freeing, in a way.

Ops husband is pathetic though. Hard to fancy anyone who moans about not getting enough sex. Do something about it, man!

It's even more pathetic to cheat though. He should just leave and do things the right way.

PosterBoy · 11/10/2023 22:00

If you don't want to do other stuff with them either then it makes more sense to split, even if it cripples you financially. But just over sex? Seems a shame to me, sometimes, to see a relationship end because you won't let someone else enjoy something you are not interested in yourself. Does it really matter so much?