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Original poster

Is it normal for male partner to be obsessed with sex?

152 replies

Womanofwords · 11/10/2023 12:14

I need advice about men's sex drive and how it works, can't believe I just typed that. My partner and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. Having babies has been incredibly disruptive to our sex life for a variety of reasons. But what I don't understand is how difficult he seems to find this, compared to me? He does not pester or harass me and we often sleep in separate beds anyway. Other aspects of our relationship are not great. But when he talks about it it's almost in terms as if I'm depriving him of something that's essential? I don't understand this at all. I love sex, it's great. But just like I love steak and chips, I don't see it as essential?! How is masturbation different to sex, that's another thing I don't understand? If it's simply about the physical release, what's wrong with masturbation and why would that not take away the frustration of wanting sex? He says lack of sex makes him 'on his knees in despair', 'depressed', 'frustrated beyond words'. He says it's a 'miracle' that he has not cheated on me. He uses porn which I find repellant and does not make me feel like having sex much with someone who has that stuff in his head. He says he only watches porn with 'real women' like me LOL. Anyway, it's a big difficult melting pot of a situation as you can read but what I really want you fab women to explain to me is, is this normal? To be so desperate for sex that it rules your life all the time? Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/10/2023 14:06

For me, sex reaffirms that my husband is attracted to me and it strengthens our bond together; I wouldn’t want a sexless marriage

Your dh makes disgusting comments to you though; that you should be lucky he hasn’t cheated- it’s an incredibly rude thing to say

StarlightLady · 11/10/2023 14:08

I don't think it's necessarily male related as depicted here. As a woman, I would say I want 1:1 sex as much as your partner does who is described here.

isthesolution · 11/10/2023 14:12

How often are you having sex with him?

I

Original poster
Womanofwords · 11/10/2023 14:14

One more question, if anyone sees it. What impact or relationship does porn use have to sex drive? I'm curious. Thanks.

OP posts:
wereonthemarket · 11/10/2023 14:16

I feel like it's a bit 'which came first'.

Did you not having sex with him lead to him watching porn? Or his porn watching lead to you not wanting to have sex?

As for the vasectomy- can't he just use condoms?

Marriages are give and take but I do think it's reasonable to expect sex in your marriage. Just like you don't want sex, he does. The compromise there is surely to have it sometimes? How often is it happening? And can you maybe build up from there?

Feraldogmum · 11/10/2023 14:20

So he basically says unless you have more sex with him he'll cheat. Chances are if he says this and has so little regard for your feelings, he'll cheat if he wishes to and may well have already.
This is nasty and controlling behaviour ,no wonder you don't want to sleep with him

itsmyp4rty · 11/10/2023 14:20

It's a miracle he hasn't cheated on you? What an entitled arsehole. I couldn't be with someone so obsessed with sex, I've never had a relationship with someone like that, it would give me the instant ick.

He needs to look at why you're not up for it instead of whining on about how deprived he is. I don't understand though why you think he's not pestering you when it sounds like that's all he does. He might think it's a miracle he hasn't cheated on you, I think it's a miracle you're still with him.

When men are like this lets face it, it's nothing to do with love and it's nothing to do with having an orgasm - IMO it's about owning yo' ass, they think they're entitled to it and you're saying no and they don't like it because it's they're right as your husband as far as they're concerned - and they'll say anything to get it.

SpringleDingle · 11/10/2023 14:30

Rule 1 is that no-one should have any sort of sex that they don't want. That's just a given.

However I think you owe it to yourself and to your husband to unpick what is going on here. I am very much a fan of sex and enjoy it hugely with my current partner. I see him every weekend and we are positively rabbit-esque. However 6 years ago when I was married and resentful I went a whole 9 months with zero libido and without having sex at all. I haven't changed, what has changed is my relationship with my partner (and the partner himself of course!)

It is common knowledge that most women need certain environmental factors to be right in order to be in the mood. We need a little romance - that may be as little as enough time to shave our legs before hand. Certainly I feel more like it if I've dressed up, been out for dinner and have privacy in a clean bed and without a long list of resentments. It's not that I won't shag you if you don't empty the dishwasher but rather that I feel totally unsexy if I feel ignored, undervalued, disrespected, etc... which happens if you consistently don't do your fair share of the work.

You sound as if you have the list of resentments (that include Mr hard-done-by moaning about his lack of a good bonk) and the lack of romance. I think you have 3 options;

  1. Split up because this sounds pretty miserable
  2. Put up with his moaning because trying to fix this sounds pretty hard
  3. Try to talk to him (maybe with a counsellor to mediate) to understand his needs and to get him to understand yours. Maybe you need to carve out that time to shave your legs and find a bit of a sexy feel but certainly he also needs to do things to give you that romance and deal with the resentments.
Rockgod · 11/10/2023 14:39

Have you watched Couples Therapy? It’s on BBC iPlayer and it’s really good! It’s a programme in which we get to see real life couples therapy in action. A sort of fly on the wall in the therapy room thing.

In this last series, towards the end, there is a couple who have a similar issue to the one you and DH are having. You might find it interesting to watch the episodes with them in it. Their feelings towards intimacy are unsurprisingly due to things from their childhood.

I found the whole thing fascinating, so you may do too - but I’m thinking of that couple in particular as it may help you to see yourself and your husband with the same levels of complexity and to know that the issue you have with your mismatched levels of required intimacy comes from something deeper.

StarlightLady · 11/10/2023 14:46

@Rockgod - All well and good, but I am the only one who would not want to discuss my sex life on TV (even though it is very good) and go to work the next day?

OhmygodDont · 11/10/2023 14:48

I mean honestly I’d leave dh if the options where stay together and have sex once a fortnight or leave and find some else to have sex with.

It’s important for me, it’s one of the things that’s separates us from just being friends or housemates. Dh also knows it’s important to me and he is free to leave if he wishes and that I will walk away if required on my side. Sex is one of my non negotiable a frankly.

BetterWithPockets · 11/10/2023 14:49

Have you tried speaking to each other about it, OP? (Clearly he’s told you how he feels — but that’s not the same thing.) As a few PPs have said, I think there’s often a mismatch between not just male and female libido and what sex means to men and women, but also cause/effect. For my DH, sex is important and makes him feel connected to me. For me, I need the connection first in order to want sex. We do talk about this although I get frustrated because I feel as though he wants sex and I tell him what will help (eg, come and sit next to me on the sofa of an evening; talk to me instead of just being on your phone) and he largely ignores everything I say… (Am going to watch the programme @Rockgod recommended!) Sorry, OP, that’s not much help but you’re definitely not alone in this. With my DH, I definitely see it as our issue, though, not his (or mine!).

Mistressanne · 11/10/2023 14:50

It's interesting that you're the one trying to solve this op.
Why isn't your dh having a vasectomy, putting down the porn and spending time with you?
The truth is he wants sex on his terms.
You're the warm body available and he can separate his emotions from the act and thinks you should do the same. After, of course, you've done the diy and gardening.

OTM1982 · 11/10/2023 14:52

I think I'm very much different from you! Which is fine by the way, we're all different! I think about sex all the time. I want it all the time and I can get incredibly grumpy if I don't get any! It is absolutely essential to me but again, unlike you I don't connect sex with love. So, for me personally, love doesn't come into it. I obviously love my husband but I don't have sex with him because I love him, if that makes sense. I also have sex, I don't make love. The slow sensual 'love making' doesn't do anything for me at all! I also don't like quickies!

If, for whatever reason, my husband decided he only wanted it once a week then that would be a deal breaker for me and also, vice Versa, because it is an integral part of our relationship and one that I'm not willing to negotiate on.

Also, masterbation is just a wank and is in no way a stop gap for proper sex it's there for if you have no option!

What I don't like, is your partner telling you it's a wonder he's never cheated on you! That's just nasty.

Rockgod · 11/10/2023 14:53

StarlightLady · 11/10/2023 14:46

@Rockgod - All well and good, but I am the only one who would not want to discuss my sex life on TV (even though it is very good) and go to work the next day?

Not sure what your point is? I’m just saying there’s a cool programme the OP might want to check out. She doesn’t need to go on tv…? Or are you judging the people who participated in the programme? If so, yeah sure, I couldn’t have done that either but it clearly was something they were happy to do. And I’m really grateful to everyone who participated because it’s such a privilege to watch therapy in action.

Edit: typos

Deathbyfluffy · 11/10/2023 14:58

It's refreshing to see the balanced replies here - yes, the DH should absolutely NOT be making the comments he is (which are disgusting) but he clearly does see sex as important, and lack of it is causing frustration.

I'm a man and my 'drive' must clearly be lower than your husbands - but even when it wasn't in my younger days I'd never have dreamed of making such awful comments.
Problems in the bedroom are absolutely no excuse for him threatening to cheat etc.

StarlightLady · 11/10/2023 14:59

@Rockgod I wasn't judging the people who participated. Perhaps I expressed myself badly, so sorry for that. My point was that people in these type of TV situations are often very distant from the real world we live in.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 11/10/2023 15:01

@Womanofwords Regarding porn use and sex drive - I think some men use porn as a substitute for sex, more than they would use just masturbation (without porn) as a substitute. I have had times in the past where I tried to use porn that way, but it generally ended up being very disappointing afterwards and I quit. But in terms of cause and effect, I think my sex drive led to my porn use, and then there were probably times when I got used to watching more porn and then put less effort into trying to initiate sex (I still would have wanted sex too, but just didn't make the first move so much.) But at some point I would get sick of the porn and stop for a while. Did your husband watch a lot of porn in the early days with you? What do you think he would say if you asked if he would quit for a while? Or would it help at all if he quit certain types, and only watched something far less explicit if he felt the urge? (e.g. watching Basic Instinct instead of more explicit "modern porn)

Original poster
Womanofwords · 11/10/2023 15:06

Mistressanne · 11/10/2023 14:50

It's interesting that you're the one trying to solve this op.
Why isn't your dh having a vasectomy, putting down the porn and spending time with you?
The truth is he wants sex on his terms.
You're the warm body available and he can separate his emotions from the act and thinks you should do the same. After, of course, you've done the diy and gardening.

OK that really made me laugh. I think you nailed it slightly there. Thank you 😂

OP posts:
verdantverdure · 11/10/2023 15:06

I think porn increases the idea that women should give men sex.

And increases sex addiction.

It's not normal for a human to be controlled by a craving in this way and perhaps men who are should be checked for a hormone imbalance and given CBT or DBT to help them to gain control over their emotions.

Giving up porn would be a good first step in getting his problem under control.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 11/10/2023 15:10

OTM1982 · 11/10/2023 14:52

I think I'm very much different from you! Which is fine by the way, we're all different! I think about sex all the time. I want it all the time and I can get incredibly grumpy if I don't get any! It is absolutely essential to me but again, unlike you I don't connect sex with love. So, for me personally, love doesn't come into it. I obviously love my husband but I don't have sex with him because I love him, if that makes sense. I also have sex, I don't make love. The slow sensual 'love making' doesn't do anything for me at all! I also don't like quickies!

If, for whatever reason, my husband decided he only wanted it once a week then that would be a deal breaker for me and also, vice Versa, because it is an integral part of our relationship and one that I'm not willing to negotiate on.

Also, masterbation is just a wank and is in no way a stop gap for proper sex it's there for if you have no option!

What I don't like, is your partner telling you it's a wonder he's never cheated on you! That's just nasty.

What would you do if you were single?

Would you need to go out and have one night stands to fulfil the need?

And I’m not being goady, I’m genuinely curious, how people like yourself who absolutely can’t go without sex in the way you profess to, manage when they don’t have a partner?

OhmygodDont · 11/10/2023 15:13

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 11/10/2023 15:10

What would you do if you were single?

Would you need to go out and have one night stands to fulfil the need?

And I’m not being goady, I’m genuinely curious, how people like yourself who absolutely can’t go without sex in the way you profess to, manage when they don’t have a partner?

Show quote history

Not that poster but it’s pretty easy as a women to get a Fwb situation with a single guy that’s already within your friends.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 11/10/2023 15:17

I can only go about three weeks without before I'm climbing the fucking walls tbh. I've never guilted DH over it, but I like sex. A lot. If we had a sustained dry spell, it would be really hard on our relationship.

StarlightLady · 11/10/2023 15:22

@HeadAgainstWall0923 - I've been in the single situation. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex or having sex with a good friend, providing you both know the score. It can be nicer than with a total stranger sometimes.

OTM1982 · 11/10/2023 15:34

@HeadAgainstWall0923

I don't find you goady at all! I would simply find a FWB situation that met my needs. Again, I'm lucky that I don't link sex with love so the difficulty of compartmentalising what was what wouldn't be an issue. I also have no objection to one night stands providing they are safe, but from my limited memory of them (I was married at 22 and have been for 17 years!) I don't think ONS are very fulfilling! And, to be perfectly honest with you, I'm not particularly into straightforward 'vanilla' sex (I hate that term but the only way I can get my point across!) and so it's much better to know and trust the person.

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