Unemployed wife - causing relationship strain

[raj135]

Hi - We have been married for 10 years.

In that time she has not worked for a 3-4 months - on 2 occasions. Thats fine..

This time she has been out of work for 1 year. Financially its not a big issue - we are fortunate my job is good. However what is making me feel uneasy and giving me emotional stress is that I see her just on social media, waking up late, watching tv and all distraction stuff.

She is looking for roles and does interviews when she has them. But I feel resentful that is this the type of lifestyle im funding? I feel un appreciated and also whats hurting more is seeing someones habits and patterns go like this instead of creating healthy habits like walking hobbies, meditation or reading or some kind of structure that gives the day purpose.

I know thats how i would address it but thats me and my way so I guess i expect to see that in others who are close to me.

Right now though, the lack of extra finance is not bothering me but I feel like im funding a 40 year old teenager in the home.

Any thoughts / reflections / suggestions would be grateful

Have you told her how you feel?

Is she depressed? These don't sound like healthy coping strategies, so perhaps she's not healthy. What led to her being out of work? Was she made redundant or fired? This, combined with a lack of purpose, could be leading to her feeling low. Perhaps see if she would talk to the GP or a friend... Have you broached it with her at all? Sounds like she needs support

Whilst I'm on board with the frustration of watching someone remain long term unemployed, if dh told me I should be creating "healthy habits" and suggests I meditate rather than sit on social media I'd probably laugh in his face.

Have any of the jobs made offers of employment? Is there a reason she hasn't found any paid work in a whole year?

Is she taking the lions share of the domestic labour whilst off? Do you both have children?

Do you have children together?

If she was doing the cooking and laundry when working full time, and you have a cleaner, what housework responsibilities did you have at that time?

I wouldn't tolerate this. It isn't fair. There are PLENTY of jobs out there at the moment. Restaurants are crying out for staff. No way would I work my arse for a grown capable adult to sit on their arse at home.

Well, unlike many on MN, I don't think it's a problem if one person isn't working and the other one is. BUT that's only true if both parties are happy with the arrangement and if there is still a sense of a partnership - so, for example, assuming no kids, if she is at home all day and you are working, I'd 100% expect her to be doing 99% of all domestic chores. You might share some of the cooking/post dinner cleaning up perhaps or have specific tasks that for whatever reason you agree are yours but I'd certainly expect that overall she'd be picking up all that slack.

More importantly, is for you to agree a way that works for nboth of you. If she's feeling demotivated because she's not working and has been made redundant, encouraging her to think about what she can do to improve her mental health is fine. telling her to start meditating as you think that's more valuable than social media is NOT.

Agreed. 12months unemployed is inexcusable as long as there aren't other issues.

Have you asked her about how she feels generally?

I’m a SAHM to 2 girls and do every other household job / admin / finance task too and I feel guilty for not ‘working’ and earning money so yes I can completely see where you are coming from and it would annoy me a lot too. Fair enough if she had another passive income to pay her half of the bills but if you are paying everything then this is unfair. It’s actually quite amazing that she can fill her days for a whole year without big hobbies and no wonder she’s sat on social media,I’d be incredibly bored and demotivated at this point too.

I would continue to be supportive, maybe take her away for the weekend, get her out of the home where she is 24/7 and hopefully she will open up and you can discuss how she’s feeling and as a team what the next steps are, and how you can help her out of this rut and back into work. I’ve had quite a few years out of the workforce and it’s intimidating thinking of going back so maybe she’s anxious too

OP if you were the working woman on here complaining about your non working/non SAHP husband, you'd be told to stop being a pushover and tell him he finds any work or he can leave.

So I suppose that applies here too.

Doesn’t matter about gender. Your life partner is not pulling her weight in your relationship. And has a history of stonewalling you +
then making it all about her when you attempt to discuss this with her?

Agree with PPs that she sounds potentially depressed from her behaviour.

Is she seeing friends? Going to the gym (or whatever exercise of choice etc) at all?

It sounds like you’re going to have to be brave and start a conversation. Maybe you would find it helpful to write everything down first?

I think you need to be extremely clear with her about what your needs are. Couples therapy might be very very helpful here.

sending all grit + courage - this seems unlikely it’s going to get healthy unless you are proactive about seeking / asking for change.

Something about this doesn’t ring true. Sounds a bit goady/chat got ish. Wanting people to pile on your wife. It doesn’t need to be a big drama calmly state how you feel, don’t give in to emotional blackmail.

Ultimately you can’t police what she does with her time. If you are annoyed at her “enjoying” life while you pay the bills- say so.

How hard has she tried to find a job? Is there a reason she's not getting hired (niche industry or a skills gap?).

Do you think that ultimately she doesn't want to work so isn't really trying to find a job?

I think she needs to get zero hours part time seasonal work even if it's retail etc. And keep job hunting and interviewing.

You don't have kids so really it's very simple. You have a discussion with her. I'd probably just say exactly what you've said here, so she has a true impression of how much you judge her and disapprove of her pastimes. Be honest. Either you end up having a productive discussion, or she turns on the waterworks. Whatever, it doesn't matter - unless you can have an honest conversation with each other, the relationship is doomed. So split up and get a divorce.

I will never understand why people without kids agonise so much over this. You are both adults with an equal right to live your lives how you want and to be happy. If you can do that alongside each other, all to the good. If not, I see no reason to handwring about it - just move on. Enjoy the freedom to make decisions with only yourselves to think about.

OP, you sound very reasonable. This sort of situation would be frustrating to me too if it were my husband.

It sounds like she might be suffering from a low self-esteem, lack of motivation and possibly be a bit depressed. Being out of work for an extended period of time can trap people in a vicious cycle of feeling worthless and unmotivated to do anything, and feeling isolated.

Like others have said, time for a gentle, sensitive chat to tell her how you feel. But don't come from the angle of "I'm frustrated that you're living a lazy life at home". Rather begin by acknowledging that she might be battling with feelings of low self-esteem.

Maybe suggest that she takes a non-demanding part time job just to get out of the house and back into the swing of working - even just a few hours a week on a supermarket check-out.

And/or volunteering with a local charity.

All the best to you and your wife. Hopefully she'll be back on her feet soon with your positive support.

It's unreasonable to expect that someone will use their free time in the way that you would (eg 'healthy habits').

As long as she's pulling her weight at home and making the job search her 1st priority then there shouldn't be an issue. However, it sounds as if she's not putting enough effort into finding a new job and it is reasonable to address this with her.

What kind of work is she looking for? I know it can be tough finding even low paid jobs without experience in them. I once applied for 120 jobs before I landed a mediocre one. It can be soul destroying. People saying that employers are crying out for people when you constantly get rejected makes you feel like crap and worthless.

What about if she looked into courses to boost her employability? Maybe she could study part time while working part time. As long as it would pay off in future.

Is she on job seekers allowance? If so she'd have to prove she was looking for work. Do you believe she's trying to look for a job, is a bit depressed or simply doesn't want to work?

You need to tell her that you’re not prepared to find her laziness anymore. Decide on the point you want to get across and make her hear it. If she cries and get defensive, repeat yourself. It’s not a discussion, it’s you telling her something that she needs to her for both your sakes and that of your marriage. Then she needs to act on what she hears and you need to be prepared to enforce a consequence if she doesn’t.