Unemployed wife - causing relationship strain

[raj135]

Hi - We have been married for 10 years.

In that time she has not worked for a 3-4 months - on 2 occasions. Thats fine..

This time she has been out of work for 1 year. Financially its not a big issue - we are fortunate my job is good. However what is making me feel uneasy and giving me emotional stress is that I see her just on social media, waking up late, watching tv and all distraction stuff.

She is looking for roles and does interviews when she has them. But I feel resentful that is this the type of lifestyle im funding? I feel un appreciated and also whats hurting more is seeing someones habits and patterns go like this instead of creating healthy habits like walking hobbies, meditation or reading or some kind of structure that gives the day purpose.

I know thats how i would address it but thats me and my way so I guess i expect to see that in others who are close to me.

Right now though, the lack of extra finance is not bothering me but I feel like im funding a 40 year old teenager in the home.

Any thoughts / reflections / suggestions would be grateful

Yes, totally get that, you sounds like a very patient and understanding partner, but this is a big elephant in the room and it isn’t going to go away until you try talk through things with her and explain how you’re feeling and work out how she’s feeling about this situation too

The job market has suddenly got really tough. Lots of my contacts are struggling to find work. That said, any work is better than no work.

The thing that leaps out at me is that you don't seem to have spoken to her much about how she's feeling about things and you've not spoken much about how you're feeling.

She sounds like she is miserable and depressed TBH.

You need to talk to her. Properly.

She sounds depressed and demotivated but tbh getting out there and doing something, even if it's not exactly what she wants to do long-term, is likely to help with that.

I can understand that you're a bit fed up but it also doesn't sound as if she's trying to take advantage of you, more that she's lost her way somewhat. I know it's more work for you in the long-term but could you spend some time at weekends with her going through her CV and the roles that she will be applying for that week, just so that she feels someone is taking an interest in her. Sometimes we need people to 'coach' us a bit.

Can you also make it clear that you're happy for her maybe to spend a little bit of money (within limits obviously) on things that get her out of the house? A gym membership, a hobby, a class, something like that? Given that she's not bringing money in, she might feel guilty spending money out of the house on socialising and seeing friends, things like that, but these are all things which are likely to improve her mental health.

What kind of work is she applying for?

Yes - especially as there are no children in the relationship. 🌹

Yet when it's about a man, no one questions it and gets straight on there without hesitation! 😆

I was made unfairly redundant and started applying for jobs as soon as I left. My profession is quite niche and it took me six months or more to start up and begin freelancing on my own. It can be discouraging. I applied for over 100 jobs, mostly junior positions which I am not, and the only responses were 'why do you want this job when you are senior?'

Hi OP,
I understand your frustration and would be unhappy with your wife. I think I would feel the same. I don’t think I could stay at home long term.

It is possible there is an element of depression/self esteem however also likely that it is just laziness/complacency.

Ideally for one partner to be unemployed (and not be looking after children) this would be an agreement between both of you.

I would expect a stay at home wife or husband to be doing 99% of the household duties and ideally keeping everything at home in tip top shape. As well as maintaining their own physical and mental health.

I also think that once resentment has set in, it is hard to see your partner in the same light again.

Baffles me that a married couple has let this situation go on for a whole year without any discussion.

Either she has a problem or she's just happy doing fuck all. Seems like any effort she claims to be making to find work is just lip service to keep you quiet. Like any tears if you dare question it.
If she is depressed she needs to get help. She should also be far more proactive in finding employment.

Certainly wouldn't be paying a bloody cleaner until she gets another job.

What would she do if you weren't there funding her work free lifestyle?

I don’t think you have got any right to dictate what your wife should be doing in her free time.

She is looking for a job and so it’s not like she is taking you for granted as you have said she has her own money.

The crux of it is you are judging her because you imagine that if you were in her shoes you’d be doing all the things you have suggested here.

Id be surprised though as you clearly don’t understand the toll redundancy and hormones can have on a person.

It sounds to me like she is exploiting your good nature. You said it feels like funding a 40 yr old teenager at home and that's not a marriage of equals. She's in danger of losing your respect and maybe she needs to know that? You already feel resentful and unappreciated so perhaps this is a crossroads in your marriage and if she doesn't step up soon and be an equal partner, you'd be justified in ending it and moving on.

This. Unemployment can be awful when it's not your fault, and it will happen to many of us at some point. I totally respect those actually doing something about it. Taking ANY job until the right one comes along. But sitting around at home is not on.