Unemployed wife - causing relationship strain

[raj135]

Hi - We have been married for 10 years.

In that time she has not worked for a 3-4 months - on 2 occasions. Thats fine..

This time she has been out of work for 1 year. Financially its not a big issue - we are fortunate my job is good. However what is making me feel uneasy and giving me emotional stress is that I see her just on social media, waking up late, watching tv and all distraction stuff.

She is looking for roles and does interviews when she has them. But I feel resentful that is this the type of lifestyle im funding? I feel un appreciated and also whats hurting more is seeing someones habits and patterns go like this instead of creating healthy habits like walking hobbies, meditation or reading or some kind of structure that gives the day purpose.

I know thats how i would address it but thats me and my way so I guess i expect to see that in others who are close to me.

Right now though, the lack of extra finance is not bothering me but I feel like im funding a 40 year old teenager in the home.

Any thoughts / reflections / suggestions would be grateful

Well aren’t you a charmer.
You’ve said she’s job hunting what more do you want from this woman?
As if having a year of rejections isn’t soul destroying enough she’s got you piling on the pressure and mumsnet sticking the knife in.
Maybe try supporting your wife you sound quite controlling.
Also i think your idea of how she should be spending her days is quite aspirational it’s how we’d like to imagine we’d spend our time if we were in your wife’s situation, I suspect the reality for the vast majority of people is they’d probably watch day time telly and social media like your wife is.
I hope you also appreciate the irony of you moaning about your wife’s time on social media to social media.
All the people saying you should leave her are clearly lucky to have never been in her situation, god forbid they are ever are cause if they’re partners are anything like them they are in for a touch time. Good enough for them i say, couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of people.

I think your feelings are totally valud and gender is not the issue here.

Discuss and communicate your feelings with her.

I would be annoyed to, if I was in your position. Your partner is lucky to have a supportive other half that allows her to have such a lifestyle and if you fell unappreciated that is a valid feeling. Not all women have that luxury. In my case my daughter is in full time nursery because I cannot afford to be at home, although her dad is a doctor he does not contribute as much as he should.

I'm sure you are working very hard so maybe you need a break, some time to recharge.

I hope things get better.

Also a alot of women on here are going through alot and dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression, please don't allow the comments to dishearten you or upset you.

This would drive me mad too...
I recently hosted a Ukrainian refugee who flat out refused to work (with no English, no record of above board work in Ukraine and only 2 years of illegal working as a pedicurist at age 42, her work options were limited and she refused to consider cleaning) and spent all day watching Netflix. I work from home so all day whilst I was earning money, I was aware she was slouching around in her dressing gown, constantly online looking for sugar daddies on Tinder, failing to supervise her teenage son who was also spending 16 hours a day online and refused all offers of a change of scene, or making little films of herself looking sexy for Instagram. However your challenge will be tackling this tactfully & without giving offence. Good luck.

What about couples counselling. I work part time and lucky to do so. Understanding what each other expects really important. Accept different ideas, but I do agree sounds depressed. But what about doing things together, when off, then these habits may stick and she will find structure. Ideas that have worked for us....volunteer dog walking at rescue, fitness videos on You Tube, listening to weekly podcasts together, doing cleaning together (not glamorous I know, but if we both have tasks saves nagging and resentment and sit down with a tea). Have a film night, find a TV series to watch together ......however be mindful am currently batting back suggestion of Das Boot😂Be interested in her, tell her about your day. Encouraging for a less stressful job also a good idea. But rather than sounding off on social media, talk to her. BW

Thanks - yeah and she is defensive. IM finding it hard to navigate at home.
But agree counselling is a question - but we havnt really talked on how each other are feeling which we need to do.

Thank you
Yeah they are valid but she seems to have a way of turning things back to me to make me feel bad and look bad - maybe i need to have chat with her when her mood is ok so its a more rational discussion

appreciate your viewpoint

Lot of home truths here

Soul destroying etc. Your not wrong that I am looking for an idealisytic response to this situation. She has had lots of rejections and feels battered.

its a rut - she wants to improve but cant....

Wish u all the best. Hope did not sound too rude, but it helped me, communication still tough but it helped a lot. BW

The person you're replying to will be in the same situation as your wife, so is seeing it as about her.

Expecting your wife to work after a year of doing nothing - and having to walk on eggshells - is not abusive at all.

Maybe she's looking for the wrong type of job. Workplaces can be intolerable for many people including those with neuro divergence. It's very common to be typecast as lazy and to give up. Not saying this is your wife's situation but there could be many reasons why she needs time out to re-evaluate things. If money isn't an issue I think you should be supporting her.

We are all different, some people NEED vast amounts of time doing nothing. I'm one of those. I scroll, stare into space, go for walks (as well as looking after kids, house) but I pass days weeks and months this way. What no-one sees is that I'm germinating ideas. I'm a creative who works in bursts. It seems to others that I only work for a few weeks a year, I seem lazy and unfocused. It's all part of the process and it's taken me decades to ignore the criticism and flourish. Encourage her to explore her interests, what does she like to do in her spare time? What does she wish she was doing? Forget jobs and money, encourage her to find her passion. You might find your marriage on a whole new footing.

She sounds depressed and beaten. Talk to her with kindness.

The majority of people can't afford to live working only a few weeks a year though.

Absolutely Cola. This was addressed to the OP, who stated money wasn't an issue. I mentioned that at the beginning of my post to make it clear.

She sounds lazy and idle and has the buffer of you earning a decent wage so probably doesn't give a monkey's.

She needs to contribute 50% to family finances and get out and find something.

What industry is she in as certain sectors can't get enough people?

Sad to see so many people focusing on money when op has said it's not the issue. Successive governments have done a real number on us - we believe that our only value as human beings is what we earn. Intimate relationships on this thread sound more like business partnerships😓 OP, you sound like a good person but maybe falling into that trap too. A marriage is working towards both partners finding fulfillment, sometimes one is better suited to earning money - the other may have far more to offer which actually may result in rewards financial and otherwise. Explore this with her.

Out of interest, who does the cooking, cleaning and laundry? Do you have kids? Who does the school run and who helps out with homework? Who does bedtime?

He said there are no children.