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Original poster

Unemployed wife - causing relationship strain

143 replies

raj135 · 11/10/2023 11:07

Hi - We have been married for 10 years.

In that time she has not worked for a 3-4 months - on 2 occasions. Thats fine..

This time she has been out of work for 1 year. Financially its not a big issue - we are fortunate my job is good. However what is making me feel uneasy and giving me emotional stress is that I see her just on social media, waking up late, watching tv and all distraction stuff.

She is looking for roles and does interviews when she has them. But I feel resentful that is this the type of lifestyle im funding? I feel un appreciated and also whats hurting more is seeing someones habits and patterns go like this instead of creating healthy habits like walking hobbies, meditation or reading or some kind of structure that gives the day purpose.

I know thats how i would address it but thats me and my way so I guess i expect to see that in others who are close to me.

Right now though, the lack of extra finance is not bothering me but I feel like im funding a 40 year old teenager in the home.

Any thoughts / reflections / suggestions would be grateful

OP posts:
Bananabreadandstrawberries · 11/10/2023 13:19

In an imaginary world, if I had a stay at home wife, and I was a man who earnt plenty of money, and there were no children, I would want:

  • Wife to keep house pristine (paid cleaners Ok if house big and loads of money)
  • Wife to have all hot meals ready
  • Wife to be happy and cheerful when I come home every day
  • Wife to keep herself looking fabulous
  • Wife to occupy herself during the day with some activities/exercise/lunches
  • Wife to support my work/business in some way
  • Wife to be taking care of me (not other way round)
I mean, her only job would be literally to be a wife!

Disclaimer: These expectations are a bit crazy high, and so I (as a woman) wouldn’t choose to take this role! I work and have a baby so don’t hold myself to these standards!

raj135 · 11/10/2023 13:20

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raj135 · 11/10/2023 13:21

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NoLikeyNoLightey · 11/10/2023 13:22

If a woman had posted this about her husband, hardly anyone would be saying he sounds depressed and op wouldn't be accused of wanting everyone to pile on her husband. Replies would say her husband is a cocklodger, needs to be kicked out and the locks need to be changed whilst OP gathers all necessary paperwork to get the ball rolling for divorce.

millymog11 · 11/10/2023 13:25

OP what is the age gap between you and your wife? apologies if you have already mentioned this

SpacePotato · 11/10/2023 13:31

I don’t think you have got any right to dictate what your wife should be doing in her free time

Free time is what most people refer to as the time they are not at work. Her time is only 'free' to her because OP is funding it.
Why can't he tell her to get a bloody job?

She is looking for a job and so it’s not like she is taking you for granted as you have said she has her own money

Is she though? Is she doing everything she could to get a job or just occasionally looking for the odd needle in a haystack perfect one?
She isn't contributing financially to the household.

1month · 11/10/2023 13:35

I would be really annoyed that my husband wasn’t working, especially if he was using his time gaming or being on his phone.

Have a sit down chat tonight and tell her she needs to find work and it’s not fair that you are working hard, whilst she’s not doing anything to contribute and she’s literally wasting her life.

Tell her that if she cannot find something in her field, she will need to look in other areas.
Even if she is doing cleaning or shop work and is on a lower income it is better than nothing.
It’s also easy to become depressed when you don’t work too.

If she’s acting like a child then she needs to be treated like one and that may mean having a weekly meeting to check in with her progress and how she’s getting on.

If she were single she’d be having to go to the job centre every week and prove that she’s looking for work.

She is taking advantage of your good nature and it’s really unfair.

1month · 11/10/2023 13:36

NoLikeyNoLightey · 11/10/2023 13:22

If a woman had posted this about her husband, hardly anyone would be saying he sounds depressed and op wouldn't be accused of wanting everyone to pile on her husband. Replies would say her husband is a cocklodger, needs to be kicked out and the locks need to be changed whilst OP gathers all necessary paperwork to get the ball rolling for divorce.

Yep definitely!

And there have been a couple of threads saying similar and not one poster stuck up for the lazy man.

RosesAndGin · 11/10/2023 13:37

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 11/10/2023 13:19

In an imaginary world, if I had a stay at home wife, and I was a man who earnt plenty of money, and there were no children, I would want:

  • Wife to keep house pristine (paid cleaners Ok if house big and loads of money)
  • Wife to have all hot meals ready
  • Wife to be happy and cheerful when I come home every day
  • Wife to keep herself looking fabulous
  • Wife to occupy herself during the day with some activities/exercise/lunches
  • Wife to support my work/business in some way
  • Wife to be taking care of me (not other way round)
I mean, her only job would be literally to be a wife!

Disclaimer: These expectations are a bit crazy high, and so I (as a woman) wouldn’t choose to take this role! I work and have a baby so don’t hold myself to these standards!

100% this! It would turn me off a person if they free loaded off my salary and my time.
I would be cancelling the cleaner for a start....no reason she can't be doing a bit extra around the home, the cleaner would be reinstated on her employment.
At the end of the day if the OP was a woman posting about her husband the responses would be 'he's a cock lodger, get rid!'

raj135 · 11/10/2023 13:37

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CreationNat1on · 11/10/2023 13:38

Fanny lodger

millymog11 · 11/10/2023 13:39

raj135 · Today 13:37

I see.

I sympathise.
Is/was there anything in her childhood/upbringing where there were clues that she would expect to not have a serious or consistent career when she was an adult (not that that helps you now)?
I assume it is a first marriage for both of you (? from the been married 10 years remark)

JenniferBooth · 11/10/2023 13:47

That said, any work is better than no work

I had a relative say this to me way back in Jan 2001. By the end of that month i had a job. A job i was dying to tell them about but never did cos i couldnt face the backtracking and humming and hawing and "oh well of course i didnt mean that" Job was in a sex chatline office.

JFDIYOLO · 11/10/2023 13:47

Ehe's 40 - have you been having a careful cnversation around peri menopause yet?

Because that can hit many women like an avalanche (not all, I know).

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 11/10/2023 13:48

That sounds like a while to be out of work. Have the interviews and her not getting the jobs and losing her job knocked her confidence? Does she need a boost?
I’ve been lucky enough not to have lost a job, but I’d feel quite sad about it if I enjoyed it and the people were great.

Hibiscrubbed · 11/10/2023 13:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

She on a very cushy number isn’t she? She’s got tactics to shut you down when you talk to her about things making you unhappy, so time to gird your loins and tell her how you feel. Or consider whenever this relationship is what you want.

Hibiscrubbed · 11/10/2023 13:50

JFDIYOLO · 11/10/2023 13:47

Ehe's 40 - have you been having a careful cnversation around peri menopause yet?

Because that can hit many women like an avalanche (not all, I know).

Oh get real. Posts like this do nothing to help women.

1month · 11/10/2023 14:07

JenniferBooth · 11/10/2023 13:47

That said, any work is better than no work

I had a relative say this to me way back in Jan 2001. By the end of that month i had a job. A job i was dying to tell them about but never did cos i couldnt face the backtracking and humming and hawing and "oh well of course i didnt mean that" Job was in a sex chatline office.

You chose to work in a sex chat line.

There are multiple other jobs you could have applied for but I imagine you did that as a passive aggressive way to teach your relative a lesson for making you get a job.

The OP’s wife needs to get a job asap.

It doesn’t need to be a sex chat line.

Cola2023 · 11/10/2023 14:07

arethereanyleftatall · 11/10/2023 11:25

I wouldn't tolerate this. It isn't fair. There are PLENTY of jobs out there at the moment. Restaurants are crying out for staff. No way would I work my arse for a grown capable adult to sit on their arse at home.

Agree. It would have been a deal breaker for me after a month.

burnoutbabe · 11/10/2023 14:14

Are there household projects that she could project manage?

Ie painting rooms or getting garden done even a decluttering project for say clothes /donating or selling stuff

I'd want to see some benefit of me subsidising my partners staying at home.

(To be fair I now work one day a week and play games the rest of it but it's my flat we live in and neither subsidises the other. I spent the last few months planning a joint trip to China and Japan (paying 50/50) as I am the planner and he is happy to turn up where I suggest (having approved plans presented to him)

bonzaitree · 11/10/2023 14:14

I think she should take a job of some description even if it is not a “career” type job eg bar staff, restaurant.

Supermarkets always employ Xmas staff this time of year.

I think she needs to get her mojo back. 1 year is a long time to be just making the tea and hoovering.

Jk987 · 11/10/2023 14:18

SecondUsername4me · 11/10/2023 11:10

Whilst I'm on board with the frustration of watching someone remain long term unemployed, if dh told me I should be creating "healthy habits" and suggests I meditate rather than sit on social media I'd probably laugh in his face.

Have any of the jobs made offers of employment? Is there a reason she hasn't found any paid work in a whole year?

Is she taking the lions share of the domestic labour whilst off? Do you both have children?

Laugh in your face seems harsh. These are good suggestions. She doesn't literally have to do meditation but something relaxing that works for her.

DirectionToPerfection · 11/10/2023 14:20

She's a 40 year old UI designer and she can't get a job?

She has strong, in demand skills so that seems odd.

Has she gone to recruiters, and has she had someone look over her CV?

Does she have a good answer for why she has been out of work so long and what she has been doing in that time?

InsaneInTheMamBrain · 11/10/2023 14:24

I agree that a good talk is needed. To be honest, if my partner was earning enough money, I had a cleaner, no kids and was made redundant in my 40s, I can’t say I would be rushing to look for work, unless I had a career I really loved. Perhaps, due to your comfortable financial situation she is hoping this redundancy will quietly slip into early retirement.

A clear talk about your concerns, a careers coach consultation- I have a friend who swears this is worth the money- and a vision about what you want to achieve in the future as a couple, is needed. I would be jumping to find work if my husband wanted to plan early retirement so we could both travel, be on good pensions and needed both of us to work for another ten years, for example, to achieve this.

millymog11 · 11/10/2023 14:26

OP I think the question you pose is such a personal one where one size does not fit all. A lot of it will go back to why the two of you got together in the first place and your mutual expectations during early dating and leading up to marriage.

Its one thing to show all outward and verbal signs to your significant other that your career is very important to you and then suddenly and apparently with no warning lose your mojo and inexplicably lose your way and appear stuck and unsure of where to go next. In this case it is very likely depression. I am not saying this is easy for you to cope with but when you married your wife i am sure you did not say to her "i will marry you provided you always have a career of minimum this calibre/show this level of ambition throughout our marriage - its a condition". People change.

However there could be many other reasons why she is showing this pattern. Many decades/moons ago when I had my first boyfriend at uni he was showing remarkable potential for career X which was very difficult to get into. He had a challenging home life and a father who did not believe in him and a mother who mollycoddled him and spoiled him.
Being 20 and very inexperienced I "loved him whatever" but ultimately I too found it neigh on impossible to understand why this man, the first love of my life, absolutely refused point blank under any circumstances to get a saturday job or a holiday job during the summer holidays. He was indignant and defensive to a ridiculous extent and would not discuss it. He took it as a personal affront that someone might suggest it and ultimately accused me of not having faith in him that he could achieve the vocational career he wanted to work in which his father did not believe he could achieve and his mother ignored as she only wanted to smother/mother him and keep him at home.
We split up for a multitude of reasons (not just that) and three decades on I know from the grapevine that he is very successful / high up in his career. His accusing me of not having faith in him still feels unfair to this day. I will also always maintain that if he had maintained a temporary Saturday job during our university days it would not have affected his career or his later success in any way.

My point is that the lack of ambition you see in your wife very likely has root causes which stretch way back to her younger years and I ask you - were there any signs she might be like this when you met her? Not that that makes it any easier for you now but these things often have deep roots and explain illogical and/or irrational behaviour in people.