Unemployed wife - causing relationship strain

[raj135]

Hi - We have been married for 10 years.

In that time she has not worked for a 3-4 months - on 2 occasions. Thats fine..

This time she has been out of work for 1 year. Financially its not a big issue - we are fortunate my job is good. However what is making me feel uneasy and giving me emotional stress is that I see her just on social media, waking up late, watching tv and all distraction stuff.

She is looking for roles and does interviews when she has them. But I feel resentful that is this the type of lifestyle im funding? I feel un appreciated and also whats hurting more is seeing someones habits and patterns go like this instead of creating healthy habits like walking hobbies, meditation or reading or some kind of structure that gives the day purpose.

I know thats how i would address it but thats me and my way so I guess i expect to see that in others who are close to me.

Right now though, the lack of extra finance is not bothering me but I feel like im funding a 40 year old teenager in the home.

Any thoughts / reflections / suggestions would be grateful

How she spends her time is really neither here nor there. Being honest op, you’d probably be just as irritated if she were spending her days doing yoga and meditation too.

I think doom scrolling is an unrecognised mental health trap and it’s incredibly hard to pull yourself out of. At least with other addictions you can stop bringing it into the house but a functional modern life is very difficult without a smart phone.

Is this relationship worth saving - and if it is, what are you prepared to do to help?

You sound hugely resentful and judgemental (I’m not saying that yabu) and if you’re going to also resent helping her in whatever way she needs to dig herself out of this funk, then you might be better backing off because you could further erode her MH. It could be kinder to end the relationship.

If she was made redundant is her redundancy money paying the bills as usual so to all intents and purposes the same as previously except she's having more lie ina?

OP I think you need to decide in your head by honing down razor sharp on what it is exactly about her behaviour which bothers you

-do you feel taken for granted
-do you feel unappreciated
-do you feel betrayed by her (she used to be so ambitious and now she is the opposite, I was promised x and now I have y with no sign of x re emerging)
-do you feel like other wives would see it as their duty to get a job and contribute financially and your wife just sees it as an option
-do you feel short changed when you look around and see other peoples wives earning
-do you feel like you cannot have a conversation with your wife (like you used to?) as an equal/as someone on a "team" which is your marriage because she is not earning £
-do you feel that if she took on domestic tasks etc with much more gusto and purpose that you would be fine about it (she got up early to do housework etc) but she doesn't do that so it is her lack of drive/get-up-and-go which you resent
-does she ever make comments about your job and whether it affects her/whether she is happy with you doing that job
-does she think you are going to leave her for another woman
-do you think she is going to cheat on you and leave you for a more laid back man
-when you first met her did she have any redeeming/compensating features about her which meant you ignored her / her family's laid back/easy going approach to earning money (eg she was exceptionally sexually attractive to you)?
-if she mysteriously got the job (including salary etc) you wish she would get how do you see it affecting your joint lives (would she start paying all those bills instead of you and how would you feel about that? if she had to work very long hours and was suddenly not in the house (ever) when you got home from work how would you feel about that?
-are you scared she will never ever work again and you will be "keeping her" 100% financially until you both die?
-if you split up and divorced how do you think she would keep herself financially

Pretty personal questions I admit, some might say I am crazy for some of them but OP you should go through all of them and decide in your head what your answer would be.

You can only control your own response/reaction you cannot control others behaviour (sadly I say that as someone who has learned you cannot control other peoples behaviour in the course of my life).

She can see a doctor and stop taking advantage of OP.

Lots of people with health issues (including stranger on the internet diagnosed hormone issues) manage to work fill time.

MN is full of women who think letting a man pay for dinner is being a golddigger, so naturally you are getting (jealous) people who work full time and do all the cleaning/cooking for their lazy bastard husbands. Of course they will be demanding that your turf her out to work in Tesco despite her skill set because she needs to FINANCIALLY CONTRIBUTE. If you were on the bones of your arse, sure- but I’m figuring you are a high earner (probably in tech too?) so thankfully you guys a bit of wiggle room to sort this out.

There are loads of UI roles out there but I can see where she is struggling with regards to ageism and feeling overqualified. Can she set out herself as a contractor if she is struggling to land paid roles? Can you help her with this and make a plan together?

I think you do need to talk to her- but it needs to be about HER. Her career progression, her mental health. Saying that you are pissed off at her and jealous because you want to sleep in isn’t going to go down well with someone struggling, and will make her retreat more. I think this might be peri or some sort of MH condition at play. Is there any particular reason why she might be unhappy or low? Have the setbacks knocked her confidence?

@SuicideIsPainless your situation is so far away from the OP's that your opinion of him is not relevant at all.

So long as he's funding HER lifestyle, it's just as much his business as it hers. 🙄

MN is full of women who think letting a man pay for dinner is being a golddigger, so naturally you are getting (jealous) people who work full time and do all the cleaning/cooking for their lazy bastard husbands.

Or just people who understand that grown-ups have responsibilities. 🙄

Nothing to do with jealousy, we actually could get by on one wage but I would never want to put the burden entirely on DH, or become dependent on him. I don't think it's healthy personally, especially when there's no kids involved.

I say this as someone who has had career breaks by the way, but I have funded them myself.

You need to tell her how this is making you feel. I agree it’s sad to see someone you love kinda throw their life away like this.

Id approach it by asking what support you can offer to help her find a job and maybe working together a bit on the job hunting as it may be quite daunting to her.

Your wife is long term unemployed now, and the chances of getting back into work are receding quickly.

There is a point of no return for workless people. During Covid some people reached this point after a few months and left the workforce for good. As you are probably aware, she may no longer want to go back.

She needs to accept something soon, even if its a part time or voluntary position to ease herself back into work. If you want things to change you have no choice but to put this to her.

I think you need to take a step back and unpick the problems separately. So:

1. Your wife would benefit from working, because it would give her routine and social interactions. But

1. You really need to stop judging what she does with her time. You think she should do things which are 'worthy' in your eyes. That's bullshit. Put it away, it's a distraction and fully a you problem. And

1. Don't dismiss the menopause as 'hot flushes etc'. Do some reading. It can be much more severe in terms of its physical and mental health impacts.

So your wife needs to get some support with her menopause symptoms. GPs are often dismissive, so back her up and encourage her to push for better.

She needs to not feel judged for what she does when not working.

She does need to work - but when discussing this, speak in terms of the positives she would get, not from the negatives you are seeing.

You both need to adjust your attitudes and joint counselling may be needed.

You definitely need to talk to her. I don't understand why you should pay for a cleaner though if one adult is at home all day with no children, sorry but she should be doing all of that instead.

If a woman (not sure op has said their gender, could be same sex couple) posted that their husband hadn't worked for a year and reacted in rage or silent treatment if this was mentioned, every response would say 'LTB' and abuse.

For the record, I always go 50/50 with men in relationships because I believe in equality. Thanks, random commenter.

Hi have a different perspective as another spouse of someone struggling after redundancy. I hear you - it is super hard. My husband also in tech field - after six months of searching nothing - lots of interviews, and previously earning £95K. I think it is the sector - it is competitive right now so don't be too quick to blame her. If you have enough money, I would be super gentle with her as it is really hard being made redundant then going through multiple rejections.

My husband has decided to branch out as self employed - he has a few leads through local business networking - no income yet. We are really having to scrape financially as have two teens at home but I know I have to keep positive for him. Please don't nag her as I am sure she is feeling bad enough in herself.

Have you discussed your concerns? If not then you need to, in a calm and non-judgemental way.

Be open to the idea that this behaviour may be down to depression or similar and not simply down to laziness.

I understand your frustration but really you need to be trying to find ways to support your wife getting back into work, not focusing on what she is (or isn’t) doing whilst out of work.

Love this - thank you - it puts me back in control. Yes it takes time and it also makes me more resiliance as well.

I think I may have been a bit hard in my language - she is not just waking up and sitting on tv and phone all day. IF she has somethign to do she will do it. If not then she has a default of tv/social media. Whereas I have other defaults, but as some of you say, its not fo rme to dictate where she spends her time if she is meeting my needs and the homes needs.

But I do need to discuss my concerns - I just dont know how to phrase my concerns

Why have all of your replies been deleted? Very hard to follow when I can't see your updates

Yeah messages got deleted as I am registered in UK but away on business so I was red flagged. But now im back and really glad to have all my responses saved