Unemployed wife - causing relationship strain

[raj135]

Hi - We have been married for 10 years.

In that time she has not worked for a 3-4 months - on 2 occasions. Thats fine..

This time she has been out of work for 1 year. Financially its not a big issue - we are fortunate my job is good. However what is making me feel uneasy and giving me emotional stress is that I see her just on social media, waking up late, watching tv and all distraction stuff.

She is looking for roles and does interviews when she has them. But I feel resentful that is this the type of lifestyle im funding? I feel un appreciated and also whats hurting more is seeing someones habits and patterns go like this instead of creating healthy habits like walking hobbies, meditation or reading or some kind of structure that gives the day purpose.

I know thats how i would address it but thats me and my way so I guess i expect to see that in others who are close to me.

Right now though, the lack of extra finance is not bothering me but I feel like im funding a 40 year old teenager in the home.

Any thoughts / reflections / suggestions would be grateful

@1month Errm no I weighed 21 stone at the time and no one would employ me. So i certainly didnt take the job because of one flippant comment from some relative. I applied for LOADS of jobs YOU have assumed i didnt because of your pre conceived notions about the unemployed. Because of my weight at the time no one would employ me and i was stuck on workfare. Cos apparently you are good enough to work for nothing at that weight but not good enough to be paid. The woman who ran that office was the ONLY one OFFERING me a job. You do realise you cant FORCE any employer to give you a job by holding a gun to their head right???? While i was at that job i managed to afford to go to Slimming World and lose 10 stone so not only did that job serve its purpose it was the only one willing to pay me an actual WAGE. So i didnt take the job to be passive aggresive How the fuck would that work when i never told said relative the truth about this job. Telepathy??? I took it because it was the only one i was offered and im glad i did!!!

You are living in a dream world if you think most people who are made redundant start skipping around doing hobbies, meditating and living their best lives.

It sounds like you have absolutely no idea or empathy for the emotional toll that redundancy and the proceeding job hunt can have on people.

Well I am glad you are not my husband!

I also do not work, I am in my early 50s. I have raised 3 children who are now grown up, I have worked part time over the years but now have ill health so cannot work and am not likely to ever again I do not think. DH has a good job and is totally fine with paying everything, he says as I am his wife it is his job to look after me, (for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc) He does not resent me at all. I try to do as much housework as my health allows though and make his homelife easy for him so all he has to do is go to work.

I will be due a sizable inheritance in the future which we will both benefit from. We are a team and always have been, been married nearly 40 years

Sorry OP i think you sound very resentful and immature

If she is having hot flushes at night then that is a health issue

Obviously you could have got a job somewhere else.

It’s disingenuous to imply that that was the only work you could get because of your weight.

If you wanted to do it and it served a purpose, then great.
But don’t make out like it was the only work you could get and don’t make out like this is the only option OPs DW has.

I think that's unfair. OPs wife doesn't appear to be in ill health and there are no children. Your situation is not comparable.

In this day and age I think it's incredibly unreasonable for someone to expect their spouse to be the sole earner just because they don't want to work. Barring staying at home with young kids, disability, etc.

You're getting annoyed why she is "lucky to sleep", when she has literally told you about her hot flushes that makes her wake up in the night.

Urghhh, I'm glad you're not my husband. How unsupportive are you?

I feel for your wife.

It's not easy being made redundant and then trying to find work in your 40's. Don't forget us women have the "child-bearing age" prejudice to content with too, as she's probably still counted as even in her 40's. I've been made redundant and it's really tough finding a new job in your field at times.

It's easy for those saying about there being plenty of jobs out there, yes there are, but the competition is fierce, and the low paid jobs available can be pretty soul-destroying at times for a number of reasons, yes, I've been there done that when I've been unable to get a job in my field.

Hopefully your wife will find her way and not feel criticised and judged by her husband for her choices.

But to be perfectly frank, it's actually none of your business how she makes "the best of the time she has", that's HER decision, not yours.

*You are living in a dream world if you think most people who are made redundant start skipping around doing hobbies, meditating and living their best lives.

It sounds like you have absolutely no idea or empathy for the emotional toll that redundancy and the proceeding job hunt can have on people.*

this. Glad I don’t have an angry husband.

Totally agree. Quite frankly, she’s taking the piss.

I can guarantee if you were female and your partner was make, he wouldn’t be getting a mainly easy ride as your wife is on this thread.

An open discussion is what’s needed, which you know. Otherwise it will fester and fester and you’ll feel worse. This is obviously affecting your wellbeing. I’d advise talking repeatedly about how you’re feeling.

OP you need to not say you are a man next time, as you will not get unbiased replies else.

There have been at least 3 threads from women with the same issue as you and every single poster agreed that the boyfriend/husband needed to get a job asap and was lazy, a cocklodger, they need to stop giving him money and kick him out etc.

Unfortunately, you will get replies going against you/sticking up for your wife simply because you are a man and she’s a woman.

If I was you I would have posted the exact same scenario but changed the sexes around.

A wife working FT and doing a lot of the household duties, whilst her DH didn’t work and sat on his phone all day, would get very different replies than when it’s the opposite happening.

@1month So you ARE advocating getting an employer to give you a job by force. You cant get a job somewhere else unless you are actually OFFERED the job after interview. The chatline office was the only one who GAVE me the job after the interview Well at the interview actually. Do you have trouble with comprehension? TO GET A JOB YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE SELECTED TO BE OFFERED THE JOB AFTER INTERVIEW Am i not saying it right. Oh wait a minute wait a minute.......................did you catch your DH using one of these lines or something Is that it?

And i didnt say that OPs wife should take this type of job. Gaslight much

I feel like this is an extract from a Jane Austen novel.

1month 🙄