Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner doesn't want to get married

148 replies

Applejel · 09/10/2023 01:36

My DP has been open from the start of our relationship that he doesn't want to get married. His parents never married (now separated) and pretty much no one in his family is married and he just says it's not for him. I was married and divorced before I met him and I wasn't too bothered about remarrying, particularly as DP has children from a previous relationship and I had more assets coming into the relationship than him and I wanted to make sure that what I had earned went to my own children.

Fast forward some years. My DSC have come to live with us full time, DP and I have had two children together. Where we live wraparound childcare is non-existent/very difficult to come by, I'm currently on maternity leave so right now we're fine but we will need to sort something out for my return to work. There are nurseries for our younger shared DC, but no wraparound childcare for DSC. After discussing our options it's looking like one of us will have to give up work or go part time and as DP earns double my wage it makes sense for it to be me. However I do not want to (and nor will I) give up my job or go part time if we are not married as I know I will then be in a very vulnerable position. So far when I've raised it he's said that I've always known he doesn't want to get married, which is true bit our situations has changed now. I find hard to explain why I now feel I need it without it sounding really grabby and like I'm after all his money but the reality is that if I stop working or go part time then my earning potential will be diminished. If we were married then I would feel like our money is properly shared regardless of who earns it and if things went tits up then I wouldn't be in as vulnerable a position. It feels so unromantic to want to marry to feel financially secure but having already been married, marriage itself has lost it's romance for me but practically speaking I think that in our situation it's important that we are married.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 09/10/2023 01:41

I’d suggest a civil partnership instead or he will need to give up work to look after his own children, sadly he can’t have his cake and eat yours

Original poster
Applejel · 09/10/2023 01:42

I hadn't thought of that but it could be a good idea. Legally is there any difference?

OP posts:
Powfred · 09/10/2023 01:46

If he won't give you legal protection then he can look after his own children or fork our for a nanny/ childminder then. Why should you give up your earnings and financial security

MikeRafone · 09/10/2023 01:47

Legally there isn’t any difference

it would make you a partnership without being “married”

MikeRafone · 09/10/2023 01:48

A nanny might be a better option for several children

Millybob · 09/10/2023 01:51

Tell him that you've always known you don't want to give up work to look after someone else's kids.
Bloody cheek of him!

LaurieStrode · 09/10/2023 01:53

You knew all this but didn't insist on marriage before choosing to have children?

A bit late. I'd plan to keep working & split childcare costs with him. He'll have to figure out some solution for his own kids, that doesn't involve you.

Original poster
Applejel · 09/10/2023 01:56

Millybob · 09/10/2023 01:51

Tell him that you've always known you don't want to give up work to look after someone else's kids.
Bloody cheek of him!

The thing is the truth of it is, as much as I've always been a really hard worker, since having our children together I would be quite happy to have more time at home to be able to have that time with my own children too. I'm not, however, naive enough to do that when I'm unmarried and so financially insecure, I would far rather continue working as had been my plan until my DSC came full time.

But yes, I agree it's beyond bloody cheeky of him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Applejel · 09/10/2023 02:00

LaurieStrode · 09/10/2023 01:53

You knew all this but didn't insist on marriage before choosing to have children?

A bit late. I'd plan to keep working & split childcare costs with him. He'll have to figure out some solution for his own kids, that doesn't involve you.

It's not the childcare costs that are the issue, we live somewhere where there is next to no childcare. Most people either use grandparents/family or have a parent not working or part-time. For our own children we had planned to move by school age as family isn't an option but now due to having DSC we can't as it would mean moving them school and further from their mum (they only see here EOW but it would still be mentally very difficult for them).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2023 02:02

I doubt he will go for a civil partnership, honestly. Why would he?

To me, the answer is clear. He will have to pay for a private sitter/childcare for his other children, and he will also have to pay half of any childcare fees for your shared children.

MikeRafone · 09/10/2023 02:14

Try childcare.co.uk I’m sure he can find a nanny there…. Only they will not be free of charge, he is going to have to pay

QueenBitch666 · 09/10/2023 02:17

Let him sort his own kids out. Cheeky fucker

pikkumyy77 · 09/10/2023 02:38

Yes. Have him pay for his children. And secure rights in the housing situation or get ready to buy your own. This is a really selfish, careless, person you had children with. He doesn’t care at all for you or for your joint children. Security is paramount for our loved ones.

Ponderingwindow · 09/10/2023 02:43

since you have gone down the path of having children with him, I would just leave it to him to figure out child care. Not only should you not quit your job, you should not impair your job by taking on any of the burden of school runs or sick days for the dsc. He needs to do 100% of that care and 50% for the younger. Marriage and shared finances are what enable couples to make career sacrifices that benefit the family as a whole, but do not impact each person equally. Without that, you have to make sure you prioritize your career.

Tohaveandtohold · 09/10/2023 02:50

You’ll find some sort of childcare if you are to work full time when your children are in school and he can do the same now. They might be an after school nanny or similar as you’ll get something like that no matter your location, they’re obviously more expensive.
He has made it clear that he’s not getting married so they it’ll be in your best interest not to negatively impact yourself by leaving your job

CheekyHobson · 09/10/2023 02:53

… the reality is that if I stop working or go part time then my earning potential will be diminished. If we were married then I would feel like our money is properly shared regardless of who earns it and if things went tits up then I wouldn't be in as vulnerable a position.

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation for why you want to get married. What is it about the above that he is pretending not to understand?

It feels so unromantic to want to marry to feel financially secure

Financial security and propagation of the species are literally the two reasons marriage was invented, and both are practical rather than romantic.

pikkumyy77 · 09/10/2023 03:06

It feels so unromantic to want to marry to feel financially secure

But its more unromantic to be in a sexual relationship with someone who doesn’t give a fuck about your safety and security. I mean how do you feel relaxed enough to have sex with someone who doesn’t care enough to commit to you and your children ling term?

Codlingmoths · 09/10/2023 05:13

You say, look i am not going to argue with you. We all have boundaries in our life. Mine are I will not ever give up my career for a man who won’t legally commit to me. You can choose to marry me, to enter into a civil partnership with me, or to quit work and look after your children since I will be returning to work. We will have to adjust the budget, but if that’s what we have to do then it is what it is. Let me know which of the 3 options you choose, I’ll be telling work on Friday when I’m returning.

ElleCapitaine · 09/10/2023 05:38

Then you don’t give up work. You either agree an equal and fair division of labour or you get a nanny. Do not give up your career.

luckysonofagun · 09/10/2023 05:51

He either

A, Marries you, it doesn't have to be a C wedding as others said it could be a civil partnership
B, Sorts his own kids out

You are right do not back down

RiderofRohan · 09/10/2023 07:09

Marriage or a civil partnership. You also need to think about pensions. If you go part time or give up work, your pension pit will be significantly smaller than his. In the case you split like his parents did, you might find yourself in a penniless retirement.

SecondUsername4me · 09/10/2023 07:11

There are nurseries for our younger shared DC, but no wraparound childcare for DSC

Do not give up work for his children.

Velvian · 09/10/2023 07:15

It is an option to separate and move with the your own DC.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/10/2023 07:16

”I’m not in a position to give up work DP due to our legal relationship or lack thereof. Have you considered part time or a live in nanny?”

He’s created this situation. He needs to sort it

HowAmYa · 09/10/2023 07:27

I'd rather move than go through all this.
Can't you move closer to where the schools are? Usually they have breakfast clubs and childminders living right nearby?

Even if you marry, you're still agreeing to give up your career...so it's not exactly solving your issue. Financial aside, I'm guessing you don't want to give up your career due to future prospects if you take too much time away?

If you're both on good wages and he earns double, as others have said, a nanny?

Swipe left for the next trending thread