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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner doesn't want to get married

148 replies

Applejel · 09/10/2023 01:36

My DP has been open from the start of our relationship that he doesn't want to get married. His parents never married (now separated) and pretty much no one in his family is married and he just says it's not for him. I was married and divorced before I met him and I wasn't too bothered about remarrying, particularly as DP has children from a previous relationship and I had more assets coming into the relationship than him and I wanted to make sure that what I had earned went to my own children.

Fast forward some years. My DSC have come to live with us full time, DP and I have had two children together. Where we live wraparound childcare is non-existent/very difficult to come by, I'm currently on maternity leave so right now we're fine but we will need to sort something out for my return to work. There are nurseries for our younger shared DC, but no wraparound childcare for DSC. After discussing our options it's looking like one of us will have to give up work or go part time and as DP earns double my wage it makes sense for it to be me. However I do not want to (and nor will I) give up my job or go part time if we are not married as I know I will then be in a very vulnerable position. So far when I've raised it he's said that I've always known he doesn't want to get married, which is true bit our situations has changed now. I find hard to explain why I now feel I need it without it sounding really grabby and like I'm after all his money but the reality is that if I stop working or go part time then my earning potential will be diminished. If we were married then I would feel like our money is properly shared regardless of who earns it and if things went tits up then I wouldn't be in as vulnerable a position. It feels so unromantic to want to marry to feel financially secure but having already been married, marriage itself has lost it's romance for me but practically speaking I think that in our situation it's important that we are married.

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 09/10/2023 07:42

The op can move. With her two children, to somewhere where there is childcare. That’s option 4 and what she will have to do if he simply refuses options 1 , 2 & 3- marriage , civil contract, or he quits work to look after his children. She moves so she can get childcare and carry on working as a single parent.

AnotherEmma · 09/10/2023 07:45

you were fine not get married but still had children with him?
I'm afraid having children without being married was an error - you're in a vulnerable position now.
you must not give up work without being married so your only option is to sort childcare for your own children - move house if necessary, with or without him. He can sort childcare for his own children.

Passerillage · 09/10/2023 07:51

Only one quarter of the cost of childcare is your responsibility - none of the costs attached to your stepchildren and half of the costs attached to your own children. You cannot be the one to drop hours or your entire career to take 100% of the hit for all this without any legal security. Marriage is not just about romance, it is about financial and legal security, and he doesn’t think you are worth giving that to. He’s happy for you to give up your remaining security to look after all his children though!

I agree with the people unthread who say a nanny might be the answer, with him taking on the lion’s share of the cost. Or you move house to where this is accessible childcare.

Does his ex not contribute financially?

echinaceadreams · 09/10/2023 08:29

After discussing our options it's looking like one of us will have to give up work or go part time and as DP earns double my wage it makes sense for it to be me.

No it doesn't make sense for it to be you. If anything he can take the hit from his own salary more and they are HIS KIDS.

echinaceadreams · 09/10/2023 08:30

Rainbowqueeen · 09/10/2023 07:16

”I’m not in a position to give up work DP due to our legal relationship or lack thereof. Have you considered part time or a live in nanny?”

He’s created this situation. He needs to sort it

Nailed it

Jackienory · 09/10/2023 08:36

QueenBitch666 · 09/10/2023 02:17

Let him sort his own kids out. Cheeky fucker

So where is the mother in all this ?

ZenNudist · 09/10/2023 08:44

Another one saying don't give up your career. He is selfish and not bothered about supporting his family as it is. Can you imagine how much worse this is going to get after a few more years of the grind of family life with 2-4 dc! Why did his last relationship break up. I'm really hoping there's a good reason. Protect yourself. He's not above walking away from your little family.

Kaill · 09/10/2023 08:45

he can’t have his cake and eat yours
This is it in a nutshell. You were happy to be unmarried when the only sacrifices you were making were for your own children. But if he wants you to make additional sacrifices for him and his children, he will need to sign a legal contract to offer you financial protection.

Blough · 09/10/2023 08:52

@Jackienory OP said the mother sees them EOW.

What were the plans when you were choosing to conceive two kids with the boyfriend? Why not dump him/keep dating but live separately? I wouldn't stay with a man who wanted me to be just a girlfriend, you should value yourself.

Naunet · 09/10/2023 08:57

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB TO LOOK AFTER HIS CHILDREN.

My god, that would be the maddest thing you could ever do. Tell him he’ll have to sort out childcare for his own kids.

greyhairnomore · 09/10/2023 09:04

I can't believe he wants you to give up work to look after his children. Cheeky bastard.

Ansjovis · 09/10/2023 09:06

What an awful man. How does he not see that he is being so disrespectful towards the mother of his children? Or maybe he sees it but he doesn't care as he knows he's got you over a barrel and it doesn't benefit him to give up his privileged position.

Stand firm. Do NOT make yourself economically inactive without being properly protected.

Hayfeveroverseason · 09/10/2023 09:08

I agree with everyone who said it's his problem to solve. They aren't actually your step children, they are the children of your partner and not your responsibility. I don't think you were necessarily wrong by having children without being married, as you were the one bringing the most money to the relationship. If it went south early on you would have had to split what you brought in, which would have put you in a worse position. The situation has obviously changed with what you are both able to earn.
I'm sure even If the school don't offer childcare there will be private childcare options who do school pick ups. Again, not your problem as you aren't his wife and you aren't their stepmother. They have two parents, let them sort it.

Blough · 09/10/2023 09:18

(I meant to say I wouldn’t stay with a man who wanted me to be just a girlfriend, while expecting/wanting things a wife does. What a pisstaker he is. Also, point out to him they’re not your step kids, they’re the kids of your boyfriend, and your own kids half siblings.)

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 09:28

To me, the answer is clear. He will have to pay for a private sitter/childcare for his other children, and he will also have to pay half of any childcare fees for your shared children

Men like this absolute prince always refuse to accept that this is actually the fair solution. He’ll insist on the OP paying solely for the shared children, while he pays for the ones he already had. They’re all the same.

PedrosHag · 09/10/2023 09:33

The. He needs to hire and pay for a nanny for the DSC.

If you're not married then you absolutely shouldn't give up for job for kids that are not yours when you have no legal protection.

Dery · 09/10/2023 09:54

You’ve had great advice on here, OP. Bottom line - you really shouldn’t give up your job to be an SAHP without the security of marriage/a civil partnership.

There are regular threads on here from devastated women who’ve done exactly that. 10-15 years later, sometimes more, they’re being left - sometimes ejected from their home - and have no financial recourse for themselves at all and no rights in the house they’ve lived in for many years. If they’re in England, anyway.

The Law Commission is looking at changing the law on this so that unmarried, long-term co-habiting partners have decent protection but that’s probably years away. The current government certainly wouldn’t prioritise changing the law on this.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/10/2023 10:06

He's having a laugh.

He wants you to give up work and your financial security not just to look after your shared children but his children from a previous relationship? And he won't move somewhere where family care is available because of the DSC? Then he needs to find a nanny/childcare or accept that you need to move. It also doesn't "make sense" for a lower earner to give up work unless you are the higher earner, sitting pretty.

The marriage contract is precisely that - a contract. Its a legal contract for good reasons. Too many women don't discuss money or future arrangements because its not "romantic".

There is nothing "romantic" about being middle aged and older with reduced income and pension because you didn't have the discussion and the contract up front.

EmmaEmerald · 09/10/2023 10:11

Naunet · 09/10/2023 08:57

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB TO LOOK AFTER HIS CHILDREN.

My god, that would be the maddest thing you could ever do. Tell him he’ll have to sort out childcare for his own kids.

This

if he doesn't want marriage, he won't want civil partnership either.

strange decision to have children in these circs.

whiteroseredrose · 09/10/2023 10:22

Codlingmoths · 09/10/2023 05:13

You say, look i am not going to argue with you. We all have boundaries in our life. Mine are I will not ever give up my career for a man who won’t legally commit to me. You can choose to marry me, to enter into a civil partnership with me, or to quit work and look after your children since I will be returning to work. We will have to adjust the budget, but if that’s what we have to do then it is what it is. Let me know which of the 3 options you choose, I’ll be telling work on Friday when I’m returning.

This is spot on!

MrsGarethSouthgate · 09/10/2023 12:19

It sounds like a him problem to solve. Let him get on with it and remember your boundaries.

LaurieStrode · 09/10/2023 13:40

Sounds like he'll have to find a nanny for his kids.

Don't let that be you, OP. He's not someone you'd want to be dependent upon.

Original poster

Applejel · 09/10/2023 13:43

I will absolutely not be giving up my job unless we're married. That's just not happening.

In terms of childcare, it is genuinely a really tricky situation. If it wasn't for DSC then we would move but moving takes them away from their mum and any family they have here which they would really struggle with. There are 3 private childminders in the area and only 1 does drop offs and pick ups to DSC's school and she has an enormous waiting list. We have applied for placement requests to the other school in our town and they could only take 1 of them so that would be no good.
When our DD was born and I returned to work after mat leave (it was during mat leave that we got them full time) we got an au pair. It was the only thing we could think of to work around it all. The thing is our house isn't very big, it's 3 bedrooms and there were my 2 DSC, myself and DP and DD. At that point we put DD in our room and the au pair had what would have been DD's room. We got by OK although it was cramped in the house. I fell pregnant unexpectedly with DD2 (was on the pill but still fell pregnant). So now there's no way we could fit someone else in the house. We are looking for a bigger house but house prices here have sky-rocketed since covid as we live in a semi-rural location that lots of people decided that they wanted to move to post-lockdown. Now most of the bigger houses are out of our budget (DP earns more than me but it's not a crazy high salary). A couple have come on that we could afford so we're viewing them this week. So unless/until we can get a bigger house a nanny/au pair set up isn't possible. We are very limited by our location. At one point we had even considered moving to the next town over which is where DSC's mum lives as communications with her seemed to be going okay and we thought if we were nearer to her they could maybe stay with her after school which would get them more time with her. She has BPD and mental health issues but had seemed steady for a while at this point but just at the point we were starting to view houses there, things started to unravel and now she requires supervised contact as a result of things that happened.

I don't want to strongarm DP into marriage or a civil partnership if he doesn't care enough to want to do it for me and my security. I also don't want to break my family up though as I love our family unit but I'm not prepared to put myself in a vulnerable position for this. DP can say he would never screw me over all he likes but I've already been divorced so I'm well aware of how someone who you once loved can behave like a completely different person in the event of a separation so I'm not prepared to take him on his word.
He's at work and it can be really difficult for us to get time to discuss things like this without the kids around so I've sent him a text telling him how I feel and we are going to discuss it later once the kids are in bed.

OP posts:

seishonagon · 09/10/2023 13:44

Agree with all the other posters. If he expects you to 'wife' for him, including looking after HIS kids and sacrificing yourself financially, but he won't marry you, move on, quickly. He's taking the p*ss. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

Why did he get FT custody of his kids if he's not actually looking after them himself?

Of course you expect to be supported and to have some financial security if you give up work and trash your career prospects to look after ALL his kids. What are you supposed to live on? If he makes you feel 'grabby', big red flag. Expecting free 'wraparound' childcare from you for the SC is 'grabby'.

Abergale · 09/10/2023 13:48

I can’t believe he’s ok with asking you to give up work to support his kids but your worried about looking grabby.

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