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Original poster

Partner doesn't want to get married

148 replies

Applejel · 09/10/2023 01:36

My DP has been open from the start of our relationship that he doesn't want to get married. His parents never married (now separated) and pretty much no one in his family is married and he just says it's not for him. I was married and divorced before I met him and I wasn't too bothered about remarrying, particularly as DP has children from a previous relationship and I had more assets coming into the relationship than him and I wanted to make sure that what I had earned went to my own children.

Fast forward some years. My DSC have come to live with us full time, DP and I have had two children together. Where we live wraparound childcare is non-existent/very difficult to come by, I'm currently on maternity leave so right now we're fine but we will need to sort something out for my return to work. There are nurseries for our younger shared DC, but no wraparound childcare for DSC. After discussing our options it's looking like one of us will have to give up work or go part time and as DP earns double my wage it makes sense for it to be me. However I do not want to (and nor will I) give up my job or go part time if we are not married as I know I will then be in a very vulnerable position. So far when I've raised it he's said that I've always known he doesn't want to get married, which is true bit our situations has changed now. I find hard to explain why I now feel I need it without it sounding really grabby and like I'm after all his money but the reality is that if I stop working or go part time then my earning potential will be diminished. If we were married then I would feel like our money is properly shared regardless of who earns it and if things went tits up then I wouldn't be in as vulnerable a position. It feels so unromantic to want to marry to feel financially secure but having already been married, marriage itself has lost it's romance for me but practically speaking I think that in our situation it's important that we are married.

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 10/10/2023 03:09

Applejel · 09/10/2023 23:47

I'm quite happy not to be married so I will happily accept that decision, but I'm not leaving the workforce and staying at home to watch his children from a previous relationship (or even if it was our own children) without the financial protection of marriage.

Show quote history

OP your original post and responses are conflicting.
Your introduction says " I think its important we are married" and above you say "I'm quite happy not to be married".
It's a moot point / irrelevant as your partner won't marry you according to you.
Financial security is what you said you seek so find alternative legal protection for yourself. The only legal connection you share with your partner are your joint children. Protect yourself.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 07:31

Goodornot · 10/10/2023 01:15

Hang on so when the baby comes you'll have at least 5 children? You mentioned children from a previous marriage. Plural.

And children from his previous? His children are only 7 and 9 and yet you're about to have his third?

So at least 7 children (when the new ones comes) involved here. Ok don't marry him.

I'm sure you know once married a previous will is void and everything you own goes to your spouse. You can make a new will but can be contested by the surviving spouse.

Don't marry him, go back to work. Let him pay for a nanny. Make a will and leave it all split between your children and leave him nothing.

Edited

Four children. DP and OP have two, one a new baby, one nursery age.

Then the two dsc are 7 and 9.

“it's 3 bedrooms and there were my 2 DSC, myself and DP and DD. At that point we put DD in our room and the au pair had what would have been DD's room. We got by OK although it was cramped in the house. I fell pregnant unexpectedly with DD2”

Where did you get 7 kids?!

Flyinggeesei234 · 10/10/2023 07:52

ChamaChamaChamaChameleon · 09/10/2023 21:20

Somehow men are put off by 'marriage', but not doing practically EVERY SINGLE THING that mimics one, apart from signing that piece of paper. Living with a woman, having kids, using her for financial and emotional labour.

The ship has fucking sailed.

Time for him to put his big boy pants on. And be a real father to his children.

Edited

Well said!

whatchulookinatwillis · 10/10/2023 08:00

You've said you're waiting until the court day is over to speak to him OP, but surely some of this needs to be sorted out before court?

If, on the witness stand, he is asked who looks after the children when he does his 5am - late days at work; does he plan to say you?

Could you be called as a witness to verify that is going to happen going forward?

It's unclear exactly what the case is about, but you've implied it's about who cares for your DSC.

You need to make it clear to your DP that he shouldn't purger himself on the stand and that without marriage, you will not be a SAHP, so he is not to state in court that you will; otherwise the pressure will really be on you to do so, or he'll face another court battle and potentially penalties for lying.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 08:06

OP has said nothing of the sort.

”he is up in court as a witness for the prosecution in a criminal case against DSC's mum”

The mother has possibly done something to one or both children - neglect, assault, perhaps - or drugs or DUI . OP doesn’t need to say. But the court case is NOT about custody.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 08:07

so talking about perjury, FFS, is just talking out of your hat.

Tinkerbyebye · 10/10/2023 09:31

If he won’t marry you then you just say ok I will be continuing to work full time to protect myself, you sort your children’s childcare out

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 10:02

Everyone suggesting that DP sorts childcare - well, yes, but there is no childcare. It's not like he's being too lazy to look it up or anything. The only options seem to be one/both of them working flexible hours to do the school age pick ups or moving to somewhere with enough space for an au pair (which will take time).

I completely agree, as does OP, that she shouldn't give up work without marriage, but childcare for two pre schoolers and two school aged kids is just not immediately on tap.

MikeRafone · 10/10/2023 11:21

Everyone suggesting that DP sorts childcare - well, yes, but there is no childcare.

OP could be paid the going rate as a nanny.... of course nannies don't come cheap.....

TrashedSofa · 10/10/2023 11:27

Applejel · 09/10/2023 23:43

I want to thank everyone who has left supportive comments and advice. Some have been blunt but it has helped me to feel sure that my feelings are valid and so I feel more confident in setting my boundaries and where I am drawing the line. Some posters have suggested different things to consider which I will think through and look into but I do know that I am absolutely not going to allow myself to be in a vulnerable position financially. As I said in the previous post, I am going to wait until the weekend to have a full discussion with him about it all so that gives me a few days to mull things over.

You've done well in setting the boundary so far, but it's really vital you don't sleepwalk any further into a situation that involves you taking on all the financial risk of providing childcare for his DC. Make sure he understands this is his problem to solve.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 11:31

MikeRafone · 10/10/2023 11:21

Everyone suggesting that DP sorts childcare - well, yes, but there is no childcare.

OP could be paid the going rate as a nanny.... of course nannies don't come cheap.....

that doesn’t solve her long term problem of giving up her current career for someone who won’t marry her.

she hasn’t said he won’t support her financially if she becomes a SAHM, the issue is long term security.

pikkumyy77 · 10/10/2023 11:54

But there is much more money in being paid as a full time nanny with deposits to retirement funds than “being supported” financially by an unmarried partner. She could use her nanny pay to pay into the mortgage stopping him from bitching snd moaning that he owns more of their shared asset than she does. Being any kind if unpaid home labor for an unmarried partner is terribly risky. Having a formal arrangement for psid employment is the only way to be protected. Its not better than marriage to a good partner but its better than nothing.

SecondUsername4me · 10/10/2023 12:02

Why is there suddenly "no childcare"? The dsc didn't suddenly start existing. What was happening before now?

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 12:02

but that is much worse for their household finances because of tax and NI on a many salary.

sorry, it’s a bloody stupid idea. And it won’t help her get a future role as a nanny as being one in your own home and getting a reference off your partner is not “being professional”

TrashedSofa · 10/10/2023 12:07

SecondUsername4me · 10/10/2023 12:02

Why is there suddenly "no childcare"? The dsc didn't suddenly start existing. What was happening before now?

Reading between the lines, I think DM was covering it until recently.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 12:10

, OP is currently on maternity leave with DD2 who was unplanned.

When DD1 was in with OP, there was a bedroom for an au pair. It’s in her posts.

I assume the au pair left when OP went on her second mat leave,

pikkumyy77 · 10/10/2023 12:11

Sure but no one thinks the Nanny idea is realistic. We are only proposing it to dramatize the financial burden and risk if being an unpaid SAHP for the OP. She would actively like to do it but seemed to be sleepwalking into the unpaid version. Putting a formal framework on the labor issues is the best she can do to mske clear what the dh is refusing to understand with the lack of a formal marital agreement.

TrashedSofa · 10/10/2023 12:12

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 12:10

, OP is currently on maternity leave with DD2 who was unplanned.

When DD1 was in with OP, there was a bedroom for an au pair. It’s in her posts.

I assume the au pair left when OP went on her second mat leave,

I missed that! But I guess the au pair makes sense if there's a deficit of childcare locally.

toomanyleggings · 10/10/2023 12:13

Not your responsibility to look after dsc or sacrifice your wage. You’d be a fool too. Let him and the child’s mother sort it.

Spiral1Spiral234 · 10/10/2023 12:15

Your DP was clear at the start that he didn't want to marry

However, you both decided to have more children

Do you really believe that he will change his mind now ?

It is your right to decide to return to work to remain financially independent. Legally, you remain two single people. I hope that you do this

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 12:16

TrashedSofa · 10/10/2023 12:12

I missed that! But I guess the au pair makes sense if there's a deficit of childcare locally.

Show quote history

Unfortunately there is now no bedroom for an au pair.

billy1966 · 10/10/2023 12:27

pikkumyy77 · 10/10/2023 01:08

You really need serious help dealing with the fact that you are involved with someone who AT BEST will slightly factor your needs into his calculations but really prioritizes himself and his children. The hair splitting he went through over the mortgage payments should make you realize that he is not a fundamentally generous person. When it comes down to it what is his is his and what is yours is his. How can you have shared children when he is nickle and diming their mother and exploiting her as an unpaid servant?

Completely agree.

OP, you may not like @Tarne's post but she is not wrong.

You are with a mean selfish man that has zero interest in regularising his relationship with you, but more than happy to use you as free skivvy aupair for children that you have zero legal connection to, and the two you share together.

That you have settled for so little is really sad but it is what it is.

He hasn't an ounce of decency.

His sole focus is protecting himself with as little legal obligation towards you as possible.

Unfortunately you have chosen very poorly for your children.

Start protecting yourself and your income carefully because he has shown you clearly that he is a completely user focused on himself ahead of all these children he has fathered.

Epidote · 10/10/2023 12:28

A nanny or an au-pair may be the short term solution. I can't advice in the long term one unfortunately.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 12:56

Epidote · 10/10/2023 12:28

A nanny or an au-pair may be the short term solution. I can't advice in the long term one unfortunately.

Unfortunately there is no bedroom for an au pair.

Tarne · 10/10/2023 13:15

Have you not for one moment op, had an inkling now that he is using you and exploiting your good nature to make it easy to trap you to care for his own DC in a jointly owned home for his own selfish reasons so he doesn't have to pay for childcare himself nor maintain the home, do the laundry, cooking, school runs etc for his DC because you are the willing unpaid labourer ?

Wow, he must be laughing all the way to the bank.

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