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Original poster

Partner doesn't want to get married

148 replies

Applejel · 09/10/2023 01:36

My DP has been open from the start of our relationship that he doesn't want to get married. His parents never married (now separated) and pretty much no one in his family is married and he just says it's not for him. I was married and divorced before I met him and I wasn't too bothered about remarrying, particularly as DP has children from a previous relationship and I had more assets coming into the relationship than him and I wanted to make sure that what I had earned went to my own children.

Fast forward some years. My DSC have come to live with us full time, DP and I have had two children together. Where we live wraparound childcare is non-existent/very difficult to come by, I'm currently on maternity leave so right now we're fine but we will need to sort something out for my return to work. There are nurseries for our younger shared DC, but no wraparound childcare for DSC. After discussing our options it's looking like one of us will have to give up work or go part time and as DP earns double my wage it makes sense for it to be me. However I do not want to (and nor will I) give up my job or go part time if we are not married as I know I will then be in a very vulnerable position. So far when I've raised it he's said that I've always known he doesn't want to get married, which is true bit our situations has changed now. I find hard to explain why I now feel I need it without it sounding really grabby and like I'm after all his money but the reality is that if I stop working or go part time then my earning potential will be diminished. If we were married then I would feel like our money is properly shared regardless of who earns it and if things went tits up then I wouldn't be in as vulnerable a position. It feels so unromantic to want to marry to feel financially secure but having already been married, marriage itself has lost it's romance for me but practically speaking I think that in our situation it's important that we are married.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 09/10/2023 13:53

I’d ask him what he expects to happen with your pension if you give up work? Mines taken a big hit going part time and Im married and slightly less vulnerable.

Catoo · 09/10/2023 13:55

SecondUsername4me · 09/10/2023 07:11

There are nurseries for our younger shared DC, but no wraparound childcare for DSC

Do not give up work for his children.

This.
He will have to adjust his hours for his children. It’s as simple as that.
This would not be a discussion for me. If he tries to turn it into one be clear. You won’t give up your job or pension without security. He will need to look for wraparound childcare for DSC and if he can’t find it he’ll have to adjust his hours.

LaurieStrode · 09/10/2023 14:23

How about a campervan or similar on the drive for the au pair to live in?

What ages are the stepkids?

poetryandwine · 09/10/2023 15:07

This board has threads similar to yours with depressing regularity, OP. Cool, progressive guy doesn’t believe in marriage, but then wants his partner to do something very much in his interests and against her own, in a situation where marriage would offer her protection.

Stay strong and best wishes.

HermioneWeasley · 09/10/2023 15:10

I’d you give up work make sure you get equal disposable income and he’s paying into a pension for you

Turfwars · 09/10/2023 15:12

Legally they aren't your step children.

So it makes even less sense for you to sacrifice your career for children that aren't yours, when you've got no legal parental rights or responsibilities for them.

When I went back to work after Mat leave, my salary after two recession pay cuts and hiked taxes barely covered the childcare - but - I was not married so no fucking way was I depending on any man and screwing up my career. It's paid off now because I'm on a good salary now, and just as well now DH is unwell and we have a single income to support us.

Flibbertygibbetty · 09/10/2023 15:22

Well done for having wise boundaries OP. Your DP sounds very selfish. You only have to read these boards to see that so very many women are financially disadvantaged and used by men to avoid an equal fair relationship sharing childcare, jobs and money. How about he pays for a daytime only nanny? You stick to advancing your career and make sure you protect yourself for the future.

Takenoprisoner · 09/10/2023 16:41

Catoo · 09/10/2023 13:55

This.
He will have to adjust his hours for his children. It’s as simple as that.
This would not be a discussion for me. If he tries to turn it into one be clear. You won’t give up your job or pension without security. He will need to look for wraparound childcare for DSC and if he can’t find it he’ll have to adjust his hours.

Show quote history

all of this. I'd lose respect for him over this.

wildwestpioneer · 09/10/2023 16:49

I'd be open and honest with him, treat it as a business agreement rather than a romantic proposal. He doesn't even have to tell anyone.

Otherwise he's got a few options

You hire a nanny or au pair

His dc go back to their mum and you move

You move and he's responsible for drop off and pick ups for his dc

You both go part time

He's more flexible with his job so you share drop offs and pick ups

He gives up work temporarily

If you can't come to an agreement then you need to look at what's best for you, you leave with both dc to an area with better childcare and he stays where he is

CurlewKate · 09/10/2023 18:56

I didn't/don't want to be married. When I was a SAHP we went to a solicitor and set up agreements to protect me and our children in the event of a split. It can be done. It's a faff. But doeable. Getting married is much easier!

Original poster
Applejel · 09/10/2023 19:21

Can you give me more information on what you did/had drawn up? I didn't know that was possible.

OP posts:
Lisbeth50 · 09/10/2023 19:50

They are not your stepchildren. You have no legal relationship or responsibility for them.

Original poster
Applejel · 09/10/2023 19:56

Lisbeth50 · 09/10/2023 19:50

They are not your stepchildren. You have no legal relationship or responsibility for them.

Whether or not we're married, I absolutely class them as my stepchildren. Even if we were married I wouldn't have any legal rights or responsibilities to them. They live with me full time, are my daughters' siblings and a part of my family, they are very very much my stepchildren, that's very much by-the-by though and has zero to do with the issue of me and my partner getting married.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 09/10/2023 20:07

I think this person meant that should things go south you'd have very little legal leg to stand on

While I completely understand your point of view of actually wanting to take care of your stepkids this is not really about them. Your partner is being very self-serving and you should stand your ground

Legally, he needs to organise care for his children, not you. so he either agrees with your terms or he finds an alternative care arrangement, he should have no other options

Original poster
Applejel · 09/10/2023 20:16

PaintedEgg · 09/10/2023 20:07

I think this person meant that should things go south you'd have very little legal leg to stand on

While I completely understand your point of view of actually wanting to take care of your stepkids this is not really about them. Your partner is being very self-serving and you should stand your ground

Legally, he needs to organise care for his children, not you. so he either agrees with your terms or he finds an alternative care arrangement, he should have no other options

That's what I'm trying to do. He's working late tonight so we haven't had a discussion yet but our brief chat on the phone earlier when I said I wanted to discuss it with him (after I'd messaged him about it) didn't get a great reception so I'm not filled with hope and I'm trying to decide on my next steps if he is adamant on not marrying. I can say that I just won't do childcare so I continue working full time but I work term time only so I know it will still be landed on me at holidays, etc. Because childcare is so sparse here it's very easy to say there were no other options and that he's tried up until the last minute, but I'm not being taken for a ride. I'm not sacrificing myself for a relationship he doesn't see as being worthy of commiting to.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/10/2023 20:25

Hmmm. It doesn't sound good, I'm afraid.
He certainly wants to have his cake and eat yours!

SeulementUneFois · 09/10/2023 20:25

OP
You needn’t tell him, but you should find additional work during the school holidays- not WFH.
Even if it’s various small bits like invigilating, etc. (and you have to go to a library), you won’t be available dependably for DSC childcare.
You can tell him that you need to do it since he’s not paying half of your DCs nursery (which I’m guessing he won’t if he has to arrange/ pay for DSCs one).

Zanatdy · 09/10/2023 20:37

Stand firm - do not let him bully you into this. These are his children, so totally unacceptable he’s trying to push you into caring for them and won’t marry you. No chance I’d be giving up my job and my pension and earning commitment for someone else’s children full stop, but definitely not in this situation

REignbow · 09/10/2023 20:43

I agree with all PP, do not give up your job. Do not let him coerce you into doing this.

It is his child so he needs to find a solution.

Original poster
Applejel · 09/10/2023 20:45

Zanatdy · 09/10/2023 20:37

Stand firm - do not let him bully you into this. These are his children, so totally unacceptable he’s trying to push you into caring for them and won’t marry you. No chance I’d be giving up my job and my pension and earning commitment for someone else’s children full stop, but definitely not in this situation

The thing is at the moment I'm actually quite happy to give up my job, there are lots of issues in my current workplace and I'm basically as high up as I'm likely to go in my current role so I'd be happy to take a break from it to set something up myself or take on a new role part-time whilst also solving the childcare problem, but I'm not doing it from a totally insecure position of being unmarried when it's not even my own children I'm caring for.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/10/2023 20:53

Would he agree to pay you a "salary" and pay into your pension pot while you are providing childcare for his children?

Obviously marriage is the sensible solution but if he refuses to marry you he'll have to protect you by giving you full access to his income and by ensuring your pension doesn't suffer.

What about parental responsibility for his children - you say that they live with you full time, and have limited supervised contact with their mother due to safeguarding concerns. So perhaps it would be good to formalise the fact that you have taken on a parenting role, and sort parental responsibility for you? It's worth considering what might happen if you and your partner separated or if he died. Presumably it would be in their best interests to retain contact with you.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/10/2023 20:56

I would sit down later & tell him:
I've been in touch with work & they are expecting me back full time on x date. I'm waiting on responses from 3 nurseries for little dc.

According to the websites costs are approximately ££ for the 2 of them. So your share will be £x. They are near work so I will be able to do most of the pick ups/drop offs. We will obviously share any sick days/unexpected pick ups.

So you need to sort out arrangements for your dc from x date. I suggest you start looking now so you know what you're doing regards getting them to/from school.

-- but why can't you do it ?----

Because they are your children and I have no parental responsibility for them. I love them but It is up to you to sort out their arrangements. You may have to change your hours but I'm sure you can sort it out before I go back to work.

AnotherEmma · 09/10/2023 21:00

Also if you can't move to a bigger house in the short term, could you do a loft conversion or build an annexe in your garden to create an extra bedroom with ensuite shower, then you would have space for an au pair?

He will have to fund it of course, since it's to provide wraparound care for his children!

LolaSmiles · 09/10/2023 21:04

Well done for having boundaries and standards OP. There's dozens of threads on here with the cool man who doesn't do marriage but finds a way for it to "just make sense" that he gets to keep his career whilst his unmarried partner takes on the domestic load and childcare

He has several choices:

  1. You put your shared DC in nursery and he needs to sort out wraparound care for his children in some way.
  2. He accepts that if he wants to have a family unit where decisions are made for the good of the family unit, but at the expense of one of the adults then the investment in the family unit needs to be legally recognised through marriage.

Otherwise the question is "but DP, why do you believe I should sacrifice my career, long term earning potential, and financial security and pensions to raise your children?"