Page 6 | Partner doesn't want to get married

Applejel · 2023-10-09T00:36:29+00:00

My DP has been open from the start of our relationship that he doesn't want to get married. His parents never married (now separated) and pretty much no one in his family is married and he just says it's not for him. I was married and divorced before I met him and I wasn't too bothered about remarrying, particularly as DP has children from a previous relationship and I had more assets coming into the relationship than him and I wanted to make sure that what I had earned went to my own children. Fast forward some years. My DSC have come to live with us full time, DP and I have had two children together. Where we live wraparound childcare is non-existent/very difficult to come by, I'm currently on maternity leave so right now we're fine but we will need to sort something out for my return to work. There are nurseries for our younger shared DC, but no wraparound childcare for DSC. After discussing our options it's looking like one of us will have to give up work or go part time and as DP earns double my wage it makes sense for it to be me. However I do not want to (and nor will I) give up my job or go part time if we are not married as I know I will then be in a very vulnerable position. So far when I've raised it he's said that I've always known he doesn't want to get married, which is true bit our situations has changed now. I find hard to explain why I now feel I need it without it sounding really grabby and like I'm after all his money but the reality is that if I stop working or go part time then my earning potential will be diminished. If we were married then I would feel like our money is properly shared regardless of who earns it and if things went tits up then I wouldn't be in as vulnerable a position. It feels so unromantic to want to marry to feel financially secure but having already been married, marriage itself has lost it's romance for me but practically speaking I think that in our situation it's important that we are married.

Fmlgirl · 10/10/2023 13:20

Just keep working, put your own kids into childcare and let him worry about his then.

CurlewKate · 10/10/2023 15:13

@Applejel Have you made an appointment with a solicitor yet?

Original poster

Applejel · 10/10/2023 15:24

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 08:06

OP has said nothing of the sort.

”he is up in court as a witness for the prosecution in a criminal case against DSC's mum”

The mother has possibly done something to one or both children - neglect, assault, perhaps - or drugs or DUI . OP doesn’t need to say. But the court case is NOT about custody.

Thank you, you're correct. The day in court is a criminal trial relating to an assault so has nothing to do with custody, he already has permanent custody of DSC.

OP posts:

6monthspost · 10/10/2023 15:32

Have you put the points you made in your OP to him?

"I'd be happy to go part time/give up work, but without being married or in a civil partnership, it would put me in a very vulnerable position if you died or we split up.

I know you've always felt marriage isn't for you, but I think it might be time to reconsider given our current situation.

What do you think?"

If he doesn't want to get married that's fine, don't give up your work. He can work out his own childcare and you can have a reduce household income 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you do end up doing this, you need to review wills and life insurance policies too. If he were to die, you wouldn't want to be in a position where you couldn't pay the mortgage/bills for your family home because his children are the sole beneficiaries.

PinkRoses1245 · 10/10/2023 15:32

Definitely do not back down on this. They are his kids. You need to insist on a civil partnership or marriage, doesn’t have to be big celebration just go to registery office. Or move house where there is more childcare and he pays for it al. He need to understand the position you would be in if you give up or reduce work. And I’m a bit baffled this is only coming to now, didn’t you discuss before choosing to have children together

PinkRoses1245 · 10/10/2023 15:34

If you don’t get married, ensure he has life insurance and income protection; and you are the beneficiary on his pension and sort out wills that you are happy with

Original poster

Applejel · 10/10/2023 15:38

So to update, today I have been to view 2 houses which are big enough for us all and both in locations where the schools have after school care which would solve the problem.

To clear a couple of things up- there are only 4 children, my DSC and our two DC together; I did not have any children in my previous marriage. For those making comments regarding DP's attitude towards our mortgage, I think there may have been a misunderstanding (I possibly worded it badly). I put down a larger deposit when we first bought our home together and so we had a legal agreement drawn up protecting my share, this means that my %share of the property is actually higher than his. Up until recently we would pay 50/50 into the mortgage (he is now paying more due to me being on maternity), DP had suggested that if I was to stop working he would be paying the whole mortgage and bills however I would still be retaining my higher share so he is in no way taking advantage on me in that way as far as I can see. Due to having DSC he does overall pay more on our outgoings and bills also.

He has also told me today that he would consider marriage or a civil partnership going forward but that he would feel uncomfortable with a large ceremony (I'm not bother about a large ceremony in the slightest). We are going to wait until after the trial and get a night without the kids around to talk everything through properly but it's potentially more positive on both fronts than I had expected. If we move somewhere with the after school care then I wouldn't feel marriage is a requirement but it would be nice to know that the man I love and have children with would be prepared and happy to commit to me in that way. He's starting to seem more open to it than I had initially thought, he just doesn't want the big ceremony as his parents are separated (and quite hostile towards one another) and he has some problematic family members so he would only want to do it if it was something small with just us. I think when we discussed it before he had been thinking of 'wedding' when I said marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Applejel · 10/10/2023 15:42

PinkRoses1245 · 10/10/2023 15:32

Definitely do not back down on this. They are his kids. You need to insist on a civil partnership or marriage, doesn’t have to be big celebration just go to registery office. Or move house where there is more childcare and he pays for it al. He need to understand the position you would be in if you give up or reduce work. And I’m a bit baffled this is only coming to now, didn’t you discuss before choosing to have children together

We didn't have DSC full time when we tried for our first and in all honesty, I hadn't realised until DSC came the issues with childcare in our area.

OP posts:

RandomNutter · 10/10/2023 15:42

That's looking more positive, op. Hope it all works out for you.

Daftapath · 10/10/2023 16:06

If you do marry or have a civil partnership, I would also want to discuss finances going forward. If you do give up work, he should see that finances should be shared and that you should have full and equal access to family money and savings.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 17:28

Oh that’s a good update!

TrashedSofa · 10/10/2023 17:39

You don't even have to tell anyone you're getting married/registering a CP if it'll cause problems. Can simply be treated as an administrative appointment.

poetryandwine · 10/10/2023 17:45

A great update, OP

ChamaChamaChamaChameleon · 10/10/2023 18:45

Applejel · 10/10/2023 15:38

So to update, today I have been to view 2 houses which are big enough for us all and both in locations where the schools have after school care which would solve the problem.

To clear a couple of things up- there are only 4 children, my DSC and our two DC together; I did not have any children in my previous marriage. For those making comments regarding DP's attitude towards our mortgage, I think there may have been a misunderstanding (I possibly worded it badly). I put down a larger deposit when we first bought our home together and so we had a legal agreement drawn up protecting my share, this means that my %share of the property is actually higher than his. Up until recently we would pay 50/50 into the mortgage (he is now paying more due to me being on maternity), DP had suggested that if I was to stop working he would be paying the whole mortgage and bills however I would still be retaining my higher share so he is in no way taking advantage on me in that way as far as I can see. Due to having DSC he does overall pay more on our outgoings and bills also.

He has also told me today that he would consider marriage or a civil partnership going forward but that he would feel uncomfortable with a large ceremony (I'm not bother about a large ceremony in the slightest). We are going to wait until after the trial and get a night without the kids around to talk everything through properly but it's potentially more positive on both fronts than I had expected. If we move somewhere with the after school care then I wouldn't feel marriage is a requirement but it would be nice to know that the man I love and have children with would be prepared and happy to commit to me in that way. He's starting to seem more open to it than I had initially thought, he just doesn't want the big ceremony as his parents are separated (and quite hostile towards one another) and he has some problematic family members so he would only want to do it if it was something small with just us. I think when we discussed it before he had been thinking of 'wedding' when I said marriage.

Great update OP.
Our quickie registry ceremony lasted all of 15 minutes. 5 of which were photos.
( We did have a proper wedding planned abroad where I'm from and needed the paperwork).
All you need are 2 witnesses get 2 friends or even strangers on MN.

You can even marry and not tell anybody. It changes nothing from their POV anyway.

Coffeepot72 · 10/10/2023 19:01

Our civil ceremony took 6 minutes, my dad timed it. Two “I do’s”, sign on the dotted line, then the job’s done!

AnotherEmma · 10/10/2023 19:17

Applejel · 10/10/2023 15:38

So to update, today I have been to view 2 houses which are big enough for us all and both in locations where the schools have after school care which would solve the problem.

To clear a couple of things up- there are only 4 children, my DSC and our two DC together; I did not have any children in my previous marriage. For those making comments regarding DP's attitude towards our mortgage, I think there may have been a misunderstanding (I possibly worded it badly). I put down a larger deposit when we first bought our home together and so we had a legal agreement drawn up protecting my share, this means that my %share of the property is actually higher than his. Up until recently we would pay 50/50 into the mortgage (he is now paying more due to me being on maternity), DP had suggested that if I was to stop working he would be paying the whole mortgage and bills however I would still be retaining my higher share so he is in no way taking advantage on me in that way as far as I can see. Due to having DSC he does overall pay more on our outgoings and bills also.

He has also told me today that he would consider marriage or a civil partnership going forward but that he would feel uncomfortable with a large ceremony (I'm not bother about a large ceremony in the slightest). We are going to wait until after the trial and get a night without the kids around to talk everything through properly but it's potentially more positive on both fronts than I had expected. If we move somewhere with the after school care then I wouldn't feel marriage is a requirement but it would be nice to know that the man I love and have children with would be prepared and happy to commit to me in that way. He's starting to seem more open to it than I had initially thought, he just doesn't want the big ceremony as his parents are separated (and quite hostile towards one another) and he has some problematic family members so he would only want to do it if it was something small with just us. I think when we discussed it before he had been thinking of 'wedding' when I said marriage.

This is really promising. If you can move house and discuss the possibility of a small registry office wedding, that would help practically and probably emotionally too.

Good luck to him for the trial. It sounds as if his children have been through a lot and that takes its toll on him (and you) as well.

MindfullyAmazedHorse · 10/10/2023 21:34

I think you need to continue working full time unless you marry. And even then think carefully about it.

He is very good at putting his interests first. You should replicate that by putting yours and your 2 children’s interests first.

pikkumyy77 · 11/10/2023 03:41

Good update. I’d like it better if he really had a good think about trying to live intentionally so as not to reenact his parents life. They don’t love each other and are not married. That’s fine but not something to be emulated. If he does love you he should want marriage—he should want that intensity and commitment. And he should be thinking about how to secure the future of all the kids. If something happens to him i should think the step kids would stand a better chance of staying with you if you are married than unmarried.

RantyAnty · 11/10/2023 04:13

Get the ceremony or registry marriage booked in straight away. It'll take 15 minutes.

Court, house, etc. are just excuses to delay.

SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2023 12:11

RantyAnty · 11/10/2023 04:13

Get the ceremony or registry marriage booked in straight away. It'll take 15 minutes.

Court, house, etc. are just excuses to delay.

What a crap piece of advice.

SheilaFentiman · 11/10/2023 12:14

If someone was hassling me to book in a wedding and telling me it was just an excuse when I was getting my head around giving evidence against the mother of my children, I not only wouldn’t marry them, I would split up with them for being an insensitive prick.

Tarne · 12/10/2023 07:57

Down the line or in an argument he might well say he was forced into marrying you.

When I compare that to how my dh proposed, ( his decision , he had asked twice, first time I said no because the location wasn't romantic) where he re did it down on one knee on a beautiful mountain, and the romantic wedding and honeymoon afterwards - we have been married 30 years now. He is kind, cares about my thoughts and feelings and will do anything that makes me happy.

If this is the new way, frog marching an unwilling man down the aisle who does even seem to put your needs and wishes on the agenda, op to you have hope of this union even lasting that long?! It seems very uneven, you doing on the giving and he doing all the taking in this relationship .

You deserve kindness, thoughtfulness and treasuring. You sound put upon and used, but if marriage will shut you up, he is prepared to go along with it.

Truly grim.

Coffeepot72 · 12/10/2023 14:07

I've commented on various threads that I had to give my first husband a massive shove regarding marriage. To cut a very long story short, we got married, and 14 months later it all went horribly wrong.

My second husband proposed after 6 weeks.

I really think you should get married OP (or at the very least, a civil partnership) but I wish he was a bit more willing.