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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this email?

129 replies

LittleDrops · 08/10/2023 19:40

My sister is older than me and we are really different. Always got on but never close. Past few years she has been more in touch and tends to only bother me when there's a problem. This got worse over time and I tried to dial it back a bit but it doesnt make much difference.
She was very clingy with parents and they tolerated it but they have been dead for years now.

Lately i have felt like the relationship is getting controlling. She constantly asks me where i am or what i am doing. She often drops emails like bait, saying bad things have happened but they never do, it is just to get me to listen to problems.

I want to share this convo from this evening, it shows how odd it is getting. She does not know my friend apart from in name and where she lives (she is quite locaL). How would this look to you? I do not wish to have issues with her and do care, but i feel so weird and hemmed in. Her responses seem over the top, but i am aware that she is really angry because I couldnt chat on phone.

HER: Hi have you got five mins to chat while a ask your opinion I can't text it as I would be at it for ages?

ME: a bit tied up at minute, katie turned up unannounced, been visiting her sister. A lot to catch up on!. No idea when she’s going .
probably would have to be email or text, im sorry about that, hope eveythings ok xxx

HER: Weird. how's she getting home? Do you think she is going to stay? Not like her.

HER (10 mins later): How the hell will Katie get back tonight on train? Strange!

HER (15 mins after that): Hi , is she not living at her own home?

ME : What do you mean?xxx

HER : Oh nothing it was just weird to me. Will leave you alone.

(The 'not like her' is particularly weird as she knows nothing about Katie).

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/10/2023 20:10

If you feel weird and hemmed in, what difference does it make how we would feel? Tell your sister that her messages make you feel weird and hemmed in. If you think she's not treating you respectfully, tell her that. If you feel she's crossing your boundaries, tell her so.

What stops you?

Grenola · 08/10/2023 20:29

I felt wierd and hemmed in reading them and they read very much like my ex MIL.

I think u have posted before about this….
u don’t cutting her out with help u, as I’m sure that would hurt u. And u can’t change how she acts but u can change how I respond. U have to learnt to not read into any of them, work out the motivations or feel any emotional pressure to responding to them.
she won’t like it, but it has to have a place. The motivations for her communications are purely selfish and she will never understand why u feel about them. It’s a no win for u…
im sorry u have this xx

Original poster
LittleDrops · 08/10/2023 20:58

No, I havent discussed it previously Confused
I wonder how it seems to others as at this point im not sure if my own reactions are exaggerated or if she really is just going too far. It feels manipulative but I cant prove if if you see what i mean.

OP posts:
ThePoint678 · 08/10/2023 21:13

Sounds like how my BIL speaks - almost suspicious and distrusting of everyone and everything even if he knows nothing about who or what he is speaking about. Over the years it’s grown to a full blown paranoia.

Grenola · 08/10/2023 21:16

Sorry, it sounds so similar to another poster in same kind of relationship with her sister.

it seems too much, not sure if she is manipulating her. It’s very manic and impulsive communication,.. she thinks something so asked it. No signs of boundaries at all. U have right to feel invaded by her emails. It’s not normal to text or email Intensely… and ignore your request to respect u are busy.
and bottom line is that u know if u spoke to her it would be over something rediculous and indulgent.

x

Original poster
LittleDrops · 08/10/2023 21:34

Yes that is true, i am sure if something was really wrong she would just tell me. I would be there and always have been in serious issues.
I get the feeling that it is neediness and control rather than friendship, nothing much more to it really. She does email me every day mostly just to tell me how shit things are. We don't see each other much at all, last time was february.

That email session drew a line for me though, i couldnt tell if she was really angry or whether she didnt believe me. It just felt so weird and rude. She has backtracked since, changing the subject. I find it all a bit draining.

OP posts:
midddd · 08/10/2023 21:47

Have you got the little text preview thing on your phone so you can read it without showing it's been opened?

If you see something like that come in I would just not open it until it's too late to converse with her.

"Sorry, only just seen your message, Katie was over I'm off to bed now call me tomorrow".

Or

"Sorry, Katie was over last night and I didn't see your message. Off to work now, try me again later if you still need help"

Do not engage in the back and forth. I would have ignored her after you sent the first reply.

midddd · 08/10/2023 21:50

To answer your question I'd feel pissed off.

I think you need to be firmer with her. No sorry that you're busy, you don't need to be sorry you have a life. No "probably have to be a text of email" just text or email me and I'll look when I can.

She sounds like she has some attachment issues and at the moment you're giving her an opportunity for you to be the person who soothes her rather than her working out how to soothe herself. Sounds like this is what your parents did for her.

She needs to go to therapy if she can't handle minor life issues without interrupting everyone else's lives.

Billappa · 08/10/2023 21:52

I couldn’t handle anyone being this dependant on me! And seeking drama…

It feels manipulative because that’s what it is!

RantyAnty · 08/10/2023 21:56

It sounds normal to me. Maybe she has a more direct texting style. If she knows Katie or you've gossiped about her before with her, I can understand the additional texts from your sister. Why do you put xxx at the end of every message? It seems a bit insincere.

Watchkeys · 08/10/2023 22:00

LittleDrops · 08/10/2023 20:58

No, I havent discussed it previously Confused
I wonder how it seems to others as at this point im not sure if my own reactions are exaggerated or if she really is just going too far. It feels manipulative but I cant prove if if you see what i mean.

There is no authority to tell us if someone is being exaggerated, thought. It's a feeling you get. Feelings don't have to obey 'rules' about what's right and wrong. People who care about you will respect your feelings, even if they're unusual or quirky. Like you'd respect the feelings of a friend who was scared of dogs, even tiny harmless little dogs, because they'd been bitten in the past.

Anybody who tells you your feelings are too x or too y is disrespecting you. Your feelings are a natural representation of 'who you are'. You can't get it wrong or do it too much.

Watchkeys · 08/10/2023 22:02

Also, you don't have to respond to her. There's nothing wrong with replying to people on your schedule rather than theirs. We're all adults. 'Sorry, busy few days... did you get things sorted out in the end?' is fine, if she send you a 'xyz has gone wrong' message that isn't life threatening.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2023 22:05

I don't understand why you just haven't told her that she's crossing a line with her nosy, manipulative messages. She's not your keeper and I would make her keenly aware of that fact. From now on, do not respond in any way to messages like the one you showed us.

Mummaaaaah · 08/10/2023 22:10

Sounds a bit weird how invested she is about Katie 😂

Gloriously · 08/10/2023 22:10

She is being demanding of you.

She wants your attention ‘now’

She either doesn’t believe Katie is there or maybe is threatened by how long she is staying with you which will impact on how quickly you get to her.

However the content is irrelevant - it’s the emotional energy and intent.

You know it ‘feels’ too much - you don’t need to ‘deep it’ or justify, defend or explain YOUR feelings to yourself, others or her.

Have you got an ideal about how often you:

  1. meet her face to face
  2. respond to texts
  3. speak on the phone

You could set the pace here by saying - can we speak one a week, fortnight, month instead of emails and texts. Then you give her 15, 30, 45 mins and if she texts in between respond with will speak to you about this on Thursday as planned.

This is all about ‘managing’ your relationship with her. If you want it less intense and less often start chipping away.

Grendell · 08/10/2023 22:11

Going forward, don't provide all of that detail to her. Just say you aren't available right now. That's it. No excuse, no Katie (or whatever), nothing to give her reason to reply back with randomness.

She might think you are lying or perhaps there is something wrong with her - her responses were odd, I agree with you.

Secretdaisy · 08/10/2023 22:18

It’s tough between sisters when one has an emotional need that the other one can’t meet. I think the suggestion to manage the relationship a bit more by scheduling times to talk is a good one. If your sister is in some kind of pain it’s reassurance for her while setting out boundaries. If she’s needy she doesn’t necessarily want to be.

cherrypeachparfait · 08/10/2023 22:22

She sounds annoyed you aren’t giving her time now. Therefore she sounds demanding.

Getitoffmychest · 08/10/2023 22:26

Is it possible your sister is autistic? She could have limited understanding of social rules if so and it could explain her controlling and clinging to you as it makes her feel less anxious ?

Original poster
LittleDrops · 08/10/2023 22:30

Thanks for replying.

No she isn't autistic or traumatised in any way.
I do feel, personally that she is always very angry if i dont chat. She doesnt show it but i can feel it.

She got used to me being there for a while, before it got too much for me. I slowed it down and created a distance and managed like that for months but i feel it's coming back again. No she doesnt have boundaries. Unfortunately she knows my routines and it would be hard to just say 'cant speak right now' - this would make her actually step up and freak out that something was wrong. It's so, so wearying.
Something will break soon, I cant do drama but I will back off quite a lot.

OP posts:
Gloriously · 08/10/2023 22:37

I wonder in your childhood if there was an expectation and a requirement from your DP that you had to put up and shut up as they indulged your DS demanding and big emotions?

This would mean that your own feelings were maybe not identified, acknowledged or processed then which leaves you unclear about your own feelings and boundaries now.

Its good that you are aware now that you are unsettled by her behaviour but do you feel comfortable to calmly and assertively communicate to her or is she likely to fly off the handle?

Original poster
LittleDrops · 08/10/2023 22:38

Have you got an ideal about how often you:

  1. meet her face to face
  2. respond to texts
  3. speak on the phone
Not often, to any of them I am afraid.

I am sure this sounds mean spirited but we are not close and her interest in me is only out of control or fear. I am single and can tell she dreads the idea of me meeting someone. In all honesty i find it creepy and get a bad feeling about it all.

OP posts:
Itham · 08/10/2023 22:39

She thinks you're lying to avoid speaking to her. She sounds rather difficult.

Wildhorses2244 · 08/10/2023 22:40

It’s interesting that you read her messages as angry, that’s not how they come across to me at all.

To me they read as anxious, paranoid, overthinking, odd. If I had that from a friend I would be worried that they needed mental health support.

Does she have a medical mental health diagnosis? If not I would probably focus on getting her to a doctor. If so, I’d try and get her to discuss the way that she is feeling with her doctor.

Original poster
LittleDrops · 08/10/2023 22:59

Trying to answer a few questions - no I dont remember any issues when we lived at home, growing up.
No mental health issues in her life.
I've never been made feel responsible for her.

It is more like something crept up without me noticing, and then it was just there. I did once ask her to back off a bit as the anxiousness had a bad effect on me, and she did stop phoning all the time. Now she leaves what i call breadcrumbs to bait me into it.

OP posts:
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