How would you feel about this email?

[LittleDrops]

My sister is older than me and we are really different. Always got on but never close. Past few years she has been more in touch and tends to only bother me when there's a problem. This got worse over time and I tried to dial it back a bit but it doesnt make much difference.
She was very clingy with parents and they tolerated it but they have been dead for years now.

Lately i have felt like the relationship is getting controlling. She constantly asks me where i am or what i am doing. She often drops emails like bait, saying bad things have happened but they never do, it is just to get me to listen to problems.

I want to share this convo from this evening, it shows how odd it is getting. She does not know my friend apart from in name and where she lives (she is quite locaL). How would this look to you? I do not wish to have issues with her and do care, but i feel so weird and hemmed in. Her responses seem over the top, but i am aware that she is really angry because I couldnt chat on phone.

HER: Hi have you got five mins to chat while a ask your opinion I can't text it as I would be at it for ages?

ME: a bit tied up at minute, katie turned up unannounced, been visiting her sister. A lot to catch up on!. No idea when she’s going .
probably would have to be email or text, im sorry about that, hope eveythings ok xxx

HER: Weird. how's she getting home? Do you think she is going to stay? Not like her.

HER (10 mins later): How the hell will Katie get back tonight on train? Strange!

HER (15 mins after that): Hi , is she not living at her own home?

ME : What do you mean?xxx

HER : Oh nothing it was just weird to me. Will leave you alone.

(The 'not like her' is particularly weird as she knows nothing about Katie).

Stop fucking cursing, OP!

But, seriously, that's a great realisation to have made. You're free now. You don't have to stop fucking cursing just because someone said you should, and you don't have to engage with/believe/spend time thinking about what your sister might do or say if you don't do what she says you should.

It's your life.

She would also likely ask me had she done something wrong with a big sad face which would force me to talk

It wouldn't though, would it? Only your own emotional manipulations of yourself would force you to talk. After all, if I ask you if I've done something wrong and send you a sad face, :((((, does it force you to call me? Nope. So it's not the other person's action that's causing you the issue, it's your own response.

It's brilliant to realise this, because you are the person you can take charge of, and you are the person whose actions you are supposed to be responsible for.

Oh, she is very challenging :(

As I am sure you have worked out, you can only change the way you respond to her. Or whether you respond to her. She's not interested in changing, in fact she likely has virtually no self awareness never mind the ability to reflect.

I know it's hard because you've lived with this all your life but you can do this. Little steps. Start with today and then do another tomorrow. It doesn't matter if you slip up, you'll get better at managing as you become more practised.

Apologies if you've tried this but I would start ending any messages/calls with "Right, I'll speak to you on Friday as I'm busy tomorrow/next 2 days" etc etc. Begin 'training her' to get used to going a day or two without contact from you.
Keep doing it and when she questions why, just give a non-specific answer, such as "oh just work stuff/garden stuff etc.

Then once you've answered the "Why?" - do not respond again. If she still persists and starts ringing or turning up at your house, then you very firmly point out that you told her you'd speak to her on Friday/in a few days time. Keep repeating this over & over and hopefully she'll get it eventually.

Triple messaging someone who's said they're busy, is the pushy attention seeking behaviour of someone not used to not being top priority. However, as long as it doesn't escalate so its followed by phone calls or turning up on the doorstep, is manageable. You simply ignore until you're happy to respond.
Same with everything. She can't hem you in unless you step into the cage, so set your boundaries and offer her what you're happy to. She'll learn in time. You'll give her no choice.

OP, have you ever thought of counselling for your own issues and anxieties?

You appear consumed by your controlling manipulative sister, via email, despite rightly not physically seeing her.

You have been given some excellent advice but I fear if you don't deal with the anxiety in your own life, taking the necessary action to dramatically reduce contact with her, you will not find any modicum of peace.

You desperately need huge space from her and her husband, to put effort into building new friendships for yourself, post Covid.

You neither like nor are close to your sister, her contact with you is completely suffocating.

You need to stop considering her at all.

Mute her husband.
Then mute her.

Halfway measures are not going to work here.

You need to take your own mental health very seriously because nothing that you have written sounds healthy and normal.

Your sister's needs need to be pushed away and completely ignored while you prioritise what reads to me as your huge anxiety.

IMO it is hugely negative for anyone to spend large amounts of time engaging with anyone they do not want to be around, for whatever reason.

The older you get the more this becomes apparent.

Wishing you well and hoping you will mind yourself.

Thanks everyone.
I do feel a bit lighter today.

She hasn't always been like this with me, it is not long term. It is only since our parents passed away. So this is still quite alien to me, but well over 6 years old now.

She never actually telephones me, not since a few years ago when it happened so often I asked her to back off, that it was drowning me. Her reaction was sweet and accepting, rather than horrified at someone telling her that!
What she does now is send emails asking 'for a little chat' like a begging puppy who is really trying NOT to look like like an obsessive, overly invested weirdo.

She 'goes all of the way around the block' to get to me, like a soft kind of stalking, plans it out and strikes when she knows I am either A) at home eating or B) relaxing. Nothing is ever by accident.

But not giving a fuck is a kind of clarity. It means I am allowed to not give a fuck. There is no one to tell me what to do, and I owe her nothing. She is old enough and surely wise enough to intuit, somehow, that she has driven people away with the obsessing and pointless repetitive contact. All of her contact is obsessive, compulsive and pointless. It is never natural or happy. We do not chat like sisters or friends, it is only worry, negativity and predicting bad outcomes. I am so tired of this I feel eaten alive. I don't want counselling I want her to fuck off.
You are right that I have let it slide too far, but this process is extremely helpful. My issue is not wanting to hurt someone, but it has become far too apparent that they are hurting me with no qualms whatsoever.
Thank you everyone for your advice.

I also can't recall if I mentioned this last night but she did email me about what happened at her doctor's visit. A full, fat paragraph, with the love-bombing emojis (I remember posting about it now!) which proved without a shadow of a doubt that she can very easily, when she wants to........ 'fit it all into a text'.

She did admit that writing isn't her easiest communication style, which I can't really criticise. I suppose the problem is that she is deviously manipulating me to do things her way, which isn't acceptable, no matter our differences in style.

I forgot to mention, she also tells a lot of lies to get her way and to get attention. She has even moved from job to job after doing this with colleagues.

Good for you.

There is no changing her.

There is only changing you and gifting yourself that wonderful freedom of no longer giving a fxxk about her and her suffocating negativity.

I have many, many friends over the years who have a sibling that they wish very well, but have little or no interest in engaging with whatsoever, .....so they don't.

They are called "weddings & funeral siblings".

No drama, no anger, no unpleasantness, just a complete absence of any interest whatsoever.

It's really not THAT unusual.

Like them, give yourself the gift of zero obligation towards her, going forward.

I have no doubt you will feel a palpable lifting of your spirit and a renewed energy to invest in yourself and your future.

You absolutely deserve to do this for yourself.

You owe yourself this opportunity for some peace in your life.

A lot of people in your situation would move, leaving no forwarding address, and no one would blame them😁.

Good luck.

Forgot to mention, she is a vet.
When she is dealing with animals and associated trauma she is as calm and together as the Dalai Lama. That's the good news!

She’s a bit like an addict - impulsive, reactive, compulsive, demanding, devious, self serving, relentless - her drug is your energy - she will do anything to get her fix at your expense.

But like any addict you can’t be the supplier of her fix - otherwise you are an enabler.

She needs professional help for either a MH condition / personality disorder or ND to fix this once and for all.

You are doing her a disservice by quenching her thirst. She needs to hit rock bottom and access MH services - before her pressure on you takes you under.

Never take actions due to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - it’s always a mistake.

You can go for a managed withdrawal. Throw her a bone as PP suggests. Or just pull the plug.

She won’t implode.

Don’t get drawn in.

Learn to manage and channel your own (understandable) resentment into actions.

@Gloriously Yes I agree.

I was just thinking that it reminds me of what I have heard in the past about abusive control in relationships. She doesn't care about me, but wants me in a box all to herself. When I moved house 4 years ago she wanted to inspect the ones I was interested in, offered to carry things, acted like a husband, it was weird. I knew she was trying to force me to live where it suited her, where i was accessible, and where I would not have friends nearby.
It is quite creepy when I think about it.

I also realise that this is why she really doesn't seem to like me having female friends. She does not want me to have a support network or anyone who could take me away from my designated box.

She doesn't think she needs any kind of help or therapy. That would be a loss of control, this is too obvious. She was suddenly very controlling when our parents were ill before they died. She practically forced me out of the picture like a possessive toddler. It was the first time I had seen such behaviour from her.

I will stress though that prior to a few years ago she was never like this with me. She was doing it to someone else then. A PP was correct to say I am the 'last man standing' who is available. We do not have any bonds. She rarely even discusses our parents with me.

How do you know she was doing it to someone else just out of interest?

Prior to our parents dying she was like this with a disabled friend. Then her attention turned solely to our parents, then me. The disabled friend's family didn't like her and it eventually fizzled out. In fact no one thought that was healthy, but they were both consenting adults.

Sounds like she likes to have one person to hyperfixate on 😬

Did it fizzle out or did she dramatically fall out with her?

No drama, I think when the woman's family/friends started coming around a lot more she complained she was being pushed out. I don't think this was true, I think they saw through her and she didn't feel comfortable around them.

Thanks to you lot I have really taken a look at how we communicate. And I can see that she only wants my attention when I can sit on the phone for hours or do something for her that she could easily do herself. But when I say i am not comfortable doing this or that she then starts to minimise it, saying "but it's only a small thing" or "it will only take 5 mins".

It is never ever 5 mins.
And it is always a long, draining and difficult thing.

The important thing that I have only recently noticed is that she never takes no for an answer and never respects my discomfort.

she never takes no for an answer

Again, this is because you allow her not to. It’s great that you’re waking up, but you need to reframe all of your interactions. Again, nobody can meant you do anything. You have agency. If your answer is ‘no’, then it’s ‘no’.

Would it be at all possible or feasible to email her and say “sorry but I really need some space at the moment. I’ll be in touch on your birthday or I’ll be in touch nearer Christmas but right now I just really need a break ” ?

She has poor / no boundaries.

She sounds emotionally intrusive to satisfy her own codependent / compulsive caregiving urges.

Not surprised she is a vet or that the other person she overwhelmed was disabled.

Does she potentially see you as a project to manage?

People who are highly unstable and chaotic emotionally in their internal world try to soothe that by controlling others and the events of their external world. But of course this doesn’t fix their problems.

Also some people will automatically and impulsively trash others boundaries - and the only way through is for others to be repeatedly firm with them and enact consequences.

Not seen the definition of the ‘weddings and funerals siblings’ a rung down from ‘Christmas and birthdays siblings’ as mentioned by a PP. But if I think about it this is exactly where I have got to with one of my DSis....it’s taken 3 years - mission accomplished a blissful year ago - COVID was a godsend.

I just envisioned her as an annoying gnat that I had to periodically swat.

I found it easier to respond to everything instantly with the same courteous vanilla responses and not getting drawn into detail.

Sorry not free right now.

Sorry I can’t help with that.

No that doesn’t work for me.

Oh that sounds tough - trust you will work it through.

Sorry not possible

I’m busy

I have other plans

etc.

Initially she upped the ante - more messages, more intense, similar to you going round the houses.

But I just kept battling back - not giving her an in by providing and info on my life or asking her any Qs.

Apologies i have not read updated comments yet.

Development this evening. I didn't check emails and got on with my work, a friend visited me later and has just left. WHen I checked my emails she had been sending them for 4 hours non stop begging me to call her on the phone as there was something bad happening.
I didn't respond.
Then my phone started ringing. I didn't answer it.
Received more emails asking where I am, saying she is worried about something urgent connected to a neighbour.

I emailed a reply at 23;15 saying "it's a bit late, could you possibly discuss it with your DH?:
No reply yet.

I am troubled by this as it appears to be getting worse. I think it is teetering on the edge of extinction.

Does she potentially see you as a project to manage?

Gosh no! She isn't remotely interested in me, my life or my feelings. She only wants to keep tabs on where I am so that i can be a dump for her problems 24/7.

Nah ... she will always be fine - she is just escalating like the demanding entitled toddler that she is......well done with the divert. Keep batting back calmly and confidently and she will eventually give up.

Hope you feel a sense of satisfaction that you have shifted your stance and chosen to respond in a new way.

Job done.

Build on the 4hrs and block / divert / don’t read her emails for 12hrs.

Complete toddler upping the tantrum.

She is absolutely batshit.

Expect a series of emergencies, with escalating dramatics.

This reminds me of a story I heard of someone moving and not giving their PITA brother their forwarding address.

I thought it a bit dramatic, but with a sister like yours, I could actually see why someone might do it.

She really is batshit.

Oh the emergencies wont ever stop, she keeps them coming weekly and would do so if i moved to mars. It is a pattern she has always known so I dont even think she considers it a problem.

Her response to my rebuff was almost rational and accepting, it's as if the fuss was all for nothing, FFS!!! I will not be checking them tomorrow until late, I am going to get quite busy with my life. I would prefer her to stop emailing altogether but will keep with the steady distance as opposed to the blunt object.

@billy1966 escalating emergencies is right, this is her usual form!

And @Gloriously I really want to thank you for the help you have given on this thread. You have been a great help.