How would you feel about this email?

[LittleDrops]

My sister is older than me and we are really different. Always got on but never close. Past few years she has been more in touch and tends to only bother me when there's a problem. This got worse over time and I tried to dial it back a bit but it doesnt make much difference.
She was very clingy with parents and they tolerated it but they have been dead for years now.

Lately i have felt like the relationship is getting controlling. She constantly asks me where i am or what i am doing. She often drops emails like bait, saying bad things have happened but they never do, it is just to get me to listen to problems.

I want to share this convo from this evening, it shows how odd it is getting. She does not know my friend apart from in name and where she lives (she is quite locaL). How would this look to you? I do not wish to have issues with her and do care, but i feel so weird and hemmed in. Her responses seem over the top, but i am aware that she is really angry because I couldnt chat on phone.

HER: Hi have you got five mins to chat while a ask your opinion I can't text it as I would be at it for ages?

ME: a bit tied up at minute, katie turned up unannounced, been visiting her sister. A lot to catch up on!. No idea when she’s going .
probably would have to be email or text, im sorry about that, hope eveythings ok xxx

HER: Weird. how's she getting home? Do you think she is going to stay? Not like her.

HER (10 mins later): How the hell will Katie get back tonight on train? Strange!

HER (15 mins after that): Hi , is she not living at her own home?

ME : What do you mean?xxx

HER : Oh nothing it was just weird to me. Will leave you alone.

(The 'not like her' is particularly weird as she knows nothing about Katie).

I don’t understand why you sent the first message. You were busy. With Katy. Just don’t open any messages and don’t respond till you are free and ready to respond? Your almost over explanation gave her an ‘in’…

Good observation.

Be aware of that but don’t eat drawn in.

Be really clear with yourself when and how you want contact - don’t be coerced by your own fear, obligation, guilt (FOG) to commit to giving what you don’t want to.

Seriously, I used to make excuses and over explain. That stopped about a year ago. I would gladly leave it unanswered but unfortunately she would then start ringing asking is something wrong. It's that fucking bad. I choose what I call the most efficient method, god knows what next.

She knows I dont like being forced to chat so she has pre-empted my usual answer "can you email it to me instead?" by telling me it's too big to text.

So if she knows I don't like to chat when friends are here, why does she try? She concocts ways to corner me when she absolutely knows I don't want contact.
She sees me as a safe to crack rather than a person.

Is it anxiety-based controlling? Seems like a lot of people right now have so much anxiety, they deploy a lot of manipulation in order to control others just to ease their own anxiety.

You wrote.

"I am sure this sounds mean spirited but we are not close and her interest in me is only out of control or fear. I am single and can tell she dreads the idea of me meeting someone."

How do you know this? You do come off as mean and insincere. Like you've confided things to her at some point in time and now for whatever reason you have no use for her anymore.

No. She has no interest in me, or my life whatsoever and never has had. We don't have a close history so there was never a time I have confided in her at all.

In fact, @RantyAnty Nothing in my posts whatsoever suggests this, and I feel you have taken issue with it from page 1. Perhaps this is something personal to you. If you re read my OP there is no information that says I have confided in her or 'used her', quite the opposite.

@LittleDrops step back a little, it may not all be so bad :)

Here are some things that are jumping out of the page:

1. your sister is clingy and clearly loves you so she's clingy towards you
2. she loves complaining - some people do ;)
3. you can absolutely tell her when she's being over the top - you're her sister. that puts you in an unique position of being able to say "i love you but you're being daft"
4. you can tell her when she's being annoying! Your first reply to her had a perfect tone. if she keeps bombarding you with messages just let her know she needs to give it a rest.
5. You can have an honest chat with her. Let her know you've noticed she's being super negative and you want to know what really if going on - maybe these small issues are just stand-ins for something bigger.

Yes it's odd. She sounds suspicious, almost paranoid.

To be honest, it's the sort of thing my mother would have said. She basically lived in her own imaginary world in which she knew everything about everyone, all of it bad, and was forever trying to lure us into her web. Such a relief when she died.

I'm not sure you need a label for her behaviour; it's enough to recognise that it makes you uncomfortable and that you are not going to condone it. Keep up those boundaries. Sorry OP, it must be very wearing.

Your sister is strangely persistent in her messaging and I would find this intrusive. I am getting the sense that she is posessive of your time and attention and jealous of who you spend time with.

I only mention autism as in females it’s often very well hidden as they mask well. I am autistic myself and I recognise quite a lot of the behaviours she is displaying .

I would decide what level of contact suited you and then I would inform her of it and stick to it.

You don’t have to give any reasons why.

In normal circumstances you could shift to what level suited you as the other would ‘read the room’ but these anxious types can be incredibly reactive and selfish in their behaviours so need to be told directly.

Any level including zero contact that suits YOU is acceptable. Remember that.

If she kicks off you just weather it briefly don’t engage beyond two simple rinse and repeat statements (‘No, that doesn’t work for me’) then take actions don’t use words (so no response). You also know that all the conversations are about her and her issues - so this is not a respectful / mutual / reciprocal relationship or experience. I suspect she has drained all of her other friends and you are last man standing. She needs to be told gently but assertively and signposted to MH services each time. Don’t be her problem solver - bat it back.

EG

Hi Sis,

I am available to respond to your emails once a week / fortnight / month on a Sunday. I won’t be able to pick up anything in between.

Then create a folder and direct all emails there and read them at once. She needs to learn to self sooth, work stuff out for herself rather than ‘react’ and escalate each situation. In your emails back don’t deal / get drawn into the content - just suggest and signpost her to services for anxiety.

You sound overwhelmed and drained. You need to put in place overt boundaries. Is there a reason you are reluctant to communicate your needs to her?

Whilst i know that I can create as much distance as I like, I do think ordering her to stick to a 'timetable' feels a bit regimental and entitled, on my part. I couldnt really go that far with anyone, and would have to fully disengage if it came to that.

I am very much worn out though, it's been years of being buried under her problems and that's day or night. It is like I am not human, more like a useful object. She discourages me from doing anything that is good for me (new friends, new places) by assuming a negative stance: "what if it all goes wrong?" "Are you sure he/she's safe, I get a bad feeling" etc etc.

I think after yesterday it is just dead, broken for me. Inside.

Unfortunately @PaintedEgg I see your point and I respect your kind stance but that sounds like training a puppy. She is very angry with me for having a friend round, not modestly clingy. She watches and picks at my life. The call was planned.

I currently have practically no friends, and she does not want that to change. I became very cut off through covid as have always worked from home. My closest friend had moved to Aus to be closer to her family. This was when my sister became more demanding of my time on the phone as she knew I was always there with a fixed routine. Anything that deviates from that threatens her, it reminds me of the film Misery (black humour maybe, but I don't know.)

I went on holiday in July this year for two weeks and she was incredibly restless and off hand with me prior to going. She acted as if i was going to leave forever and needed reassurance, coming up with questions that anticipated disaster. It was very over the top.

I couldn’t be doing with all that drama and would be telling her I don’t want to hear from her unless she tones it down.

Her husband just called me, asking me why I wouldn't help her last night! This has never happened before.
Apparently she had a ton of forms she had to fill in for work today, and had left them sitting for 4 weeks. She had obviously thought I would help her do it all last night and was furious that I wasnt available. It is not my responsibility for god's sake!
I am a bit with him as he just said, oh you know what she's like, we just have to help her out don't we?
I am pretty angry about all of this. It isn't the first time she has expected me to do her work for her.

I think that this sounds really unhealthy. If I were you I’d start by disrupting your own routine so it’s not so predictable and it sounds like you could do with that anyway.

Then I would just screen her calls - maybe your phone breaks for a few days… then you get a bit of flu. You’ve started going to the gym and your phone is in a locker. Or you keep your phone at home and go out without it.

these are all ways to break the habit for her. But also for you of being so available.

I have slightly got into this role with my widowed mother. I’m not working at the moment and I have checked up on her a lot but she now leans too heavily on me and tells me stuff she doesn’t tell my siblings. I’m going to gently ease out of the phone calls

I’d be telling him to keep his beak out too!

No, just no!

You don't owe her anything. You give her time and help when you have the time to help. You don't owe her every minute of every day. No one is available to other people 24/7. This is ridiculous!!

Seriously, you need to change your reaction (as you cannot change her).

Try the grey rock technique when she incessantly messages you.

So what if she gets upset? That's up to her. You need to not make it your problem anymore and you need to try to stop caring if she is angry. It's like you are walking on eggshells. Don't do it. Don't give in to it. Give what you can and make peace with yourself that that is enough.

Thank you, I have heard of grey rock. I do something similar usually, it evidently hasn't helped.
Her DH is enabling her but accepts she is impossible. She is used to taking her problems to others to fix. So now I know she was in a state last night, as I had guessed. She never tells me what the problem is beforehand either, which feels more controlling.

I am going to shift up my routines, this is a fantastic idea. I have been thinking about inventing some voluntary work or a new project that i have to travel to. I have been far too laid back about it but now it is affecting my own wellbeing. It puts a lot of stress in my body to have to say no. Last night has really changed how i feel, and I can't just go back to normal now, it takes a long time for something to snap in me, and it's gone.

Why play games with her though?

Because if you do she will still be in your head 24/7.

What are you afraid will happen if you say ‘No’ or put in a boundary?

She will kick off, flounce, sulk?

So what? Can you weather that and hold your boundaries?

It seems from your last post that you want to focus on building back out the busy, connected and rewarding parts of your life that you lost during COVID.

Maybe don’t invent stuff to throw her off but actually do stuff that is satisfying and nurturing for you. It seems that your DS has somehow auto-filled the space in your life, head and emotions that were vacant. Proactively fill them up.

.

youre not wrong @Gloriously the thought of it is tedious. She is acting like everything is back to normal today. It's my day off and I just feel tired.

So if she knows I don't like to chat when friends are here, why does she try? She concocts ways to corner me when she absolutely knows I don't want contact

It doesn't matter what she does. She isn't in charge. Is she?

If you don't want contact, don't make contact, however much she demands a response. She can demand all she likes, like a screaming kid lying on the floor in the supermarket, beating its fists on the floor, shouting 'I WANT SWEETIES!!'

If you give in, she'll just do it again and again.

When you say 'grey rock hasn't worked', what do you mean? It's not a method of getting the other person to change: it's what you become.