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Original poster

How would you feel about this email?

129 replies

LittleDrops · 08/10/2023 19:40

My sister is older than me and we are really different. Always got on but never close. Past few years she has been more in touch and tends to only bother me when there's a problem. This got worse over time and I tried to dial it back a bit but it doesnt make much difference.
She was very clingy with parents and they tolerated it but they have been dead for years now.

Lately i have felt like the relationship is getting controlling. She constantly asks me where i am or what i am doing. She often drops emails like bait, saying bad things have happened but they never do, it is just to get me to listen to problems.

I want to share this convo from this evening, it shows how odd it is getting. She does not know my friend apart from in name and where she lives (she is quite locaL). How would this look to you? I do not wish to have issues with her and do care, but i feel so weird and hemmed in. Her responses seem over the top, but i am aware that she is really angry because I couldnt chat on phone.

HER: Hi have you got five mins to chat while a ask your opinion I can't text it as I would be at it for ages?

ME: a bit tied up at minute, katie turned up unannounced, been visiting her sister. A lot to catch up on!. No idea when she’s going .
probably would have to be email or text, im sorry about that, hope eveythings ok xxx

HER: Weird. how's she getting home? Do you think she is going to stay? Not like her.

HER (10 mins later): How the hell will Katie get back tonight on train? Strange!

HER (15 mins after that): Hi , is she not living at her own home?

ME : What do you mean?xxx

HER : Oh nothing it was just weird to me. Will leave you alone.

(The 'not like her' is particularly weird as she knows nothing about Katie).

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 19:32

Oh my goodness it's back again.

Today she had her flu jab or something. Possibly stupid of me but I emailed her to ask how she was.
Here is the convo:

ME: How did it go this morning?x

HER (3 hours later) Cant tell you yet, I am popping back in to work.

HER (4 hours later) Do you want to chat?

ME: I'm busy cooking at the moment, is everything ok?

HER: I would rather phone because it would take too long to text it all.

ME: It would take 3 hours on phone and only 5 mins to email! Smile If you don't want to tell me how it went, that's ok, speak soon x

I think she is probably apoplectic after my last reply. It was very daring of me but I had suddenly just realised that she had totally effing ignored me saying I was cooking dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 19:43

Watchkeys · 09/10/2023 18:10

So if she knows I don't like to chat when friends are here, why does she try? She concocts ways to corner me when she absolutely knows I don't want contact

It doesn't matter what she does. She isn't in charge. Is she?

If you don't want contact, don't make contact, however much she demands a response. She can demand all she likes, like a screaming kid lying on the floor in the supermarket, beating its fists on the floor, shouting 'I WANT SWEETIES!!'

If you give in, she'll just do it again and again.

When you say 'grey rock hasn't worked', what do you mean? It's not a method of getting the other person to change: it's what you become.

This is making me think, because if I did ignore her, she would take it to other people like her DH, then they would bloody ask me why i was ignoring her. It is so ridiculous.

As for grey rock, at one time I used to really write thoughtful replies to her problems and take time to help. She never seemed better off for this and just used it to contact me even more. So I now only use one line replies, usually throwing the question back at her, and never having any emotional reaction. It's like it has altered nothing.

Someone asked in an early comment why she contacted me every day, and now i think about it, I just don't understand it either. We are not close, she is imposing a faux closeness on our relationship and keeping tabs on me. Her emails always look so innocent on the surface "how are u today?" or "want to chat" but I know what is behind it all.

my friend who knows us both says it is like she 'groomed' me after our parents died so that she could turn me into the new parent. What a thought!

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 09/10/2023 20:00

your friend may be spot on - what a weird thing to do for an adult to always seek out some sort of parental or nanny figure :/

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/10/2023 20:10

Her behaviour is properly disturbing. I think you've only got two workable options - ignore her messages altogether, or properly confront her about her batshit behaviour and explain that if she wants the two of you to remain in contact at all, she will have to stop it. (You may have to explain exactly what you want her to stop doing and why it's not ok.)

Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 20:17

I told her in February that it was causing me stress and I couldn't do constant contact like that. I said i cared about her and wanted us to have a healthy balanced relationship that was more than just neediness. She seemed fine with it. In the meantime she has been taking the heavy stuff to someone else, and been saving me up for a later deluge, like well earned phone credit. She has given me enough rope and now she want to tighten the leash again.

She also withholds info or drip feeds so that if something bad actually happened and i didnt accept a call, she could later nail me for being cruel.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/10/2023 20:33

then they would bloody ask me why i was ignoring her

So, are they in charge, then?

Why aren't you telling the truth to people? Why aren't you saying 'I haven't got time/energy to talk until Friday', and then when someone asks why you're ignoring her, you say you're going to be talking to her on Friday?

Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 20:38

Watchkeys · 09/10/2023 20:33

then they would bloody ask me why i was ignoring her

So, are they in charge, then?

Why aren't you telling the truth to people? Why aren't you saying 'I haven't got time/energy to talk until Friday', and then when someone asks why you're ignoring her, you say you're going to be talking to her on Friday?

No one pressures me, usually the DH will ask what upset her and I am often nonplussed. He never tries to make me do anything at all, but just knowing people are given this info about me is disturbing. She sometimes tells another family member who does not judge but it makes me feel horrible. I feel the only way i can stop this is by being awful and blunt to her .

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 09/10/2023 20:51

How exhausting.

DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 20:54

I’d ignore her when you are with( friends. The same I’d ignore most other messages/phones call btw.

Put your phone on silent and then get back to her, in your own time!, saying you were busy with Katie.

In some ways, you need to withdraw yourself so she doesn’t expect you answering straight away all the time.

As for the comment about Katie… it’s bizarre

mrsmingleton · 09/10/2023 21:00

I'm confused but maybe I haven't read all of this properly.

These short messages are e mails?

Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 21:07

Yes pasted from emails, im not posting screenshots with names on Grin

I have deleted the inbox she uses from my main device, i can check in on them on old ipad when I need to. It gets things out of my face for now.

Apparently she saw a doc this morning and has to see a specialist about some minor issue. She would not tell me what it was.
A relative just texted me to say 'she is punishing you for yesterday"
So it seems i am not allowed to have friends around now.

OP posts:
mrsmingleton · 09/10/2023 21:16

Ok it just seems very odd to have short e mails like this - why not texts?

Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 21:20

i think she knows im near laptop most of the time due to work . she prefers immediate contact.

OP posts:
mrsmingleton · 09/10/2023 21:21

You say you are talking about her to other relatives - that's not really very nice and hardly likely to help. Maybe you need to decide if you really want to keep contact as opposed to sending her what could appear to be half in/half out confusing messages with xxxxxx on the end.

DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 21:24

mrsmingleton · 09/10/2023 21:21

You say you are talking about her to other relatives - that's not really very nice and hardly likely to help. Maybe you need to decide if you really want to keep contact as opposed to sending her what could appear to be half in/half out confusing messages with xxxxxx on the end.

Are you sure it’s not the other way around?

DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 21:26

@LittleDrops why are you keeping her in your life?

Is it about the fact she is your sister?

Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 21:26

i dont discuss her.
relative was texting about something else and she mentioned the my sister's doctor appointment, i said i hadnt been told so she replied 'she is punishing you for yesterday",
so it seems my sister is the one who is discussing it, as how else would relative know i was being punished?.

OP posts:
mrsmingleton · 09/10/2023 21:27

LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 21:26

i dont discuss her.
relative was texting about something else and she mentioned the my sister's doctor appointment, i said i hadnt been told so she replied 'she is punishing you for yesterday",
so it seems my sister is the one who is discussing it, as how else would relative know i was being punished?.

Well you have explained it now but you didn't before so sorry if I made the wrong assumption. The rest of my comment stands though.

Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 21:28

DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 21:26

@LittleDrops why are you keeping her in your life?

Is it about the fact she is your sister?

I dont know. I wrote here for some fresh perspective. I feel a mixture of contempt and discomfort, and also shame for having those feelings. I haven't worked out exactly what to do just yet but I do feel cornered and that doesnt get the best out of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 21:30

@mrsmingleton she only talks to two relatives so not a bit issue. I am not in touch with them much myself. It feels crap to know that what i do is being distributed though. It might sound over the top but it's like being 'fit up' a bit.

OP posts:
mrsmingleton · 09/10/2023 21:35

I do understand and some people are not happy without some drama in their life ( not you). It's very difficult to ignore that kind of stuff. You don't need to feel any of those things though. You said you have already had a talk with her - is it possible to have one more go from the perspective of " I feel as if I am unable to help you...blah blah...what can I do to help you..blah blah" forcing her to look at her own role in all of this?

cherrypeachparfait · 09/10/2023 21:42

It’s very attention seeking but I think you are actually feeding the beast. Try really having longer gaps.. increase the gaps…

You can’t control or change her. You can change your own responses.

don’t speak to other people at all about her. Not her husband nor other relatives.

cherrypeachparfait · 09/10/2023 21:44

The thing is: her wish to speak to you is actually fine and she obviously loves having you in her life taking this role that she’s given you.

If she want to chat but you only want to text / email, I don’t think you are right and she is wrong, they are just different styles of interacting.

But if you are finding her too demanding, which you obviously are, then you have to take steps to reduce her access to you.

Watchkeys · 09/10/2023 21:47

I feel the only way i can stop this is by being awful and blunt to her

You don't have to stop anything, except for your responses, both practical and emotional. She's behaving in a way that's unacceptable to you, but there are no laws to say she has to treat you the way you want. Her behaviour is up to her. What she says to people is up to her. What has she said about you that bothers you?

Original poster
LittleDrops · 09/10/2023 21:47

mrsmingleton · 09/10/2023 21:35

I do understand and some people are not happy without some drama in their life ( not you). It's very difficult to ignore that kind of stuff. You don't need to feel any of those things though. You said you have already had a talk with her - is it possible to have one more go from the perspective of " I feel as if I am unable to help you...blah blah...what can I do to help you..blah blah" forcing her to look at her own role in all of this?

Edited

I think it always depends on the person. Im happy to have a chat about stuff, but have done it before. There is a pattern - she quickly backs off, becomes very kind and concerned about me, buys me a present - and then it starts again.
And thanks for sharing your thoughts, I feel really got at and confused today. I have one friend i talk with about this so it's great to hear from others.

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