How would you feel about this email?

[LittleDrops]

My sister is older than me and we are really different. Always got on but never close. Past few years she has been more in touch and tends to only bother me when there's a problem. This got worse over time and I tried to dial it back a bit but it doesnt make much difference.
She was very clingy with parents and they tolerated it but they have been dead for years now.

Lately i have felt like the relationship is getting controlling. She constantly asks me where i am or what i am doing. She often drops emails like bait, saying bad things have happened but they never do, it is just to get me to listen to problems.

I want to share this convo from this evening, it shows how odd it is getting. She does not know my friend apart from in name and where she lives (she is quite locaL). How would this look to you? I do not wish to have issues with her and do care, but i feel so weird and hemmed in. Her responses seem over the top, but i am aware that she is really angry because I couldnt chat on phone.

HER: Hi have you got five mins to chat while a ask your opinion I can't text it as I would be at it for ages?

ME: a bit tied up at minute, katie turned up unannounced, been visiting her sister. A lot to catch up on!. No idea when she’s going .
probably would have to be email or text, im sorry about that, hope eveythings ok xxx

HER: Weird. how's she getting home? Do you think she is going to stay? Not like her.

HER (10 mins later): How the hell will Katie get back tonight on train? Strange!

HER (15 mins after that): Hi , is she not living at her own home?

ME : What do you mean?xxx

HER : Oh nothing it was just weird to me. Will leave you alone.

(The 'not like her' is particularly weird as she knows nothing about Katie).

Why are you concerned about what she may or may not tell other relatives?

This is likely causing you to respond to her with boundaries that are not authentic to you.

Most other people will have the measure of her already and will take what she says with a pinch of salt. It’s unlikely they will bother to judge you. And if they do - so what ? Are you going to twist your life into a pretzel to accommodate others assumed judgement of you.

She is playing games with you - with the breadcrumbing info .... and you feel obligated / guilted to respond.

You can drop the rope which means you are not caught playing in her game.

Whats the worse thing that could happen - eg she gets a cancer diagnosis - whether you pick up the phone instantly or return her call the next week - the outcome is the same. She also has a husband.

Remember he is self serving - he needs you to pick up the slack to make his life tolerable.... he isn’t calling you because he is concerned for his wife - more that that he is under pressure when you retreat.

However there is no need for this nonsense to continue - she can seek professional help to reduce her anxiety - sort it out at the root. Keep sign posted by her that way.

Honestly you just need to turn off the tap - I suspect many friends and family have done so in the past - she is thick skinned because she is choosing not to adapt or self reflect. Looks like you are ‘last man standing’ - you don’t need to ruminate or game plan or tolerate her nonsense.

Just take decisive action that suits your needs and communicate it calmly and confidently.

@cherrypeachparfait That would be fine, but i dont think the way she responded to my friend visiting was just a difference in communication styles. It feels possessive and suffocating for me. It reminds me of when she has done it in the past and makes my blood run cold, I can't help that unfortunately. She has form.

@Watchkeys What has she said about you that bothers you?
It isn't anything she could say or do really. It is probably how I feel about it. I don't have much conflict in my relationships so this feels very heavy to me. It feels like shell shock in a way, like being pressed in on. I have a physical reaction to it that isn't good. I need to have a think about that.

I used to know someone who was like that, she was a 'psychic vampire' or 'energy vampire'. You feel drained after you talk to them, and the relationship is all about them.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires#how-to-spot-them

I know she's your sister, but really, are you getting anything of value from this relationship other than "she's my sister"? How mutual is the relationship?

I get that there are other family members who know you both, but do they dance to her ridiculous tune as well? If they don't, why do you feel you have to, or that you have to appease her?

You are initiating a lot of messages to her, with lots of kisses. Why do you do that? It doesn't seem to mesh with how you feel about her.

My dsis is similarly a bit obsessed with her dramas, but I let her stream of messages wash past me and reply minimally when she is being ott - and she has the insight sometimes to apologise after she's been particularly moany. But I indulge her to an extent because we do have a meaningful and supportive MUTUAL relationship and I genuinely enjoy her company, we do have shared interests, and on occasion I benefit from her listening ear.

Which is a long-winded way of saying - we have an actual relationship. I am not at all sure you and your sister do. It seems more like a service contract with deductions but no fees.

I think my advice would be: ramp down the response rate drastically - once she knows you can't chat, don't check the messages. repeat DO NOT LOOK AT THE MESSAGES

If she ups the ante, tells you she was "worried" becuase you hadn't replied, sends in BiL or relative to complain in her behalf, etc etc, just say a) "You're being ridiculous" b)"I haven't got time to email you back and forth all evening, nobody has" or, at a pinc,h if she keeps forcing a problem on you, c)"I have no idea."

Because
a) She is. She really is
b) You haven't, nobody has.
c) You aren't interested and are not about to offer any solutions, or even sympathy.

@Gloriously
This is really, really helpful, thank you so much.
You have posed some questions that are so important, and so very true.

It is not what other people think. There's only 2 of them after all, and they are fine with me. It is the general fuckery of the situation that paralyses me. The needless conflict. I also dont like the idea of letting her down or hurting her, but I do feel pushed to the brink. You are right, what is the worst that could happen? For me, the answer is letting someone down.
I need to deal with that and get to grips with it.

I have a physical reaction to it that isn't good. I need to have a think about that.

And I suspect that physical reaction has everything to do with the way she has been before. With what she has done to you.

Maybe the issue isn’t so much what’s going in now. But what has happened in the past. And the fact you can see it all happening again if you don’t hold your boundaries VERY strongly.
And there is nothing wrong about that!

Btw you won’t hurt her or let her down if you state your boundaries.
That will her choice to get upset about that.

Nice people don’t get upset when you remind them if your boundaries.
Nice people don’t ignore them and push back to see how far they can get.

You are not letting anyone down by keeping your boundaries tight.

I get that there are other family members who know you both, but do they dance to her ridiculous tune as well? If they don't, why do you feel you have to, or that you have to appease her?

There arent many people in her life, but they do enable her. They are also very aware of all of this and don't particularly pressure me. I found out that she had a relative help her with her workload over the past month when the relative is old and ill. She has no remorse whatsoever. If I gave in then she wold give that relative a rest and bring it to me.

And you are all correct, I don't like it, I have only recently realised that I am very uncomfortable with our contact and wish that I could wave a wand and it all disappear. I wish her well and do care but (and i feel terrible saying this) I wish we were not in contact at all apart from xmas and birthdays.

I wish we were not in contact at all apart from xmas and birthdays.

Well done.

That’s your boundary and you goal.

Perfectly acceptable and standard for many mature siblings.

Make this wish come true.

How you get there is up to you. Look at the release as freeing up space to seek nurture new mutually reciprocal and radiant relationships.

Do not feel you need to injure yourself to protect a relative, even an old and ill one. That is down to them. Don't take that on!

When you say your greatest fear is letting someone down, that implies something bad will happen to them. But it is hard to discern any real needs your sister has that are being met by her harrassment of you and your stream of appeasing emails. Its just perpetuating a bad habit she has of catastrophising and running away with herself.

I can't see she gets any genuine benefit from these interactions. So if they dramatically reduce, as they should (because it's completely batshit at the moment) you aren't actually letting her down.

@LittleDrops could it be that she is now trying to adopt more of a "parental" role?

You must have the relationship you want with your sister, without the "F.O.G"

You really need to set your boundaries.

Have the contact which you feel most comfortable with.

No matter what you do it may always be "wrong" in her eyes but that's for her to deal with.

You need to put yourself first. 🌼

She has a decent life, money, home, great job, DH. She seems to have this need to overshare with everyone around her and keep tabs on them but this is her issue no one elses.
She doesn't need me at all, no.

I have also realised that when she knows I am backing off she love bombs me.
After my rather daring email response earlier tonight, i thought she would explode, but instead she has sent me a long (rare!) email about her day and added tons of kisses, hearts and flowers.
This is love bombing isnt it? It's just a perpetual fucking circle of it all happening again.

Yes of course it is.....she is attempting to reel you back in to within punching distance, playing on your politeness and sense of obligation.

Pure manipulation of you which is self serving for her.

Drop the rope. Don’t engage with her games. Pivot your focus elsewhere and be in charge of what’s in your headspace, who you give your finite emotional energy and time to.

Im conflicted as to how to go about it.
I am not familiar or comfortable using a 'blunt instrument', which just suddenly disengaging overnight feels like. It doesnt feel genuine even if i long for it. I hate the idea of someone being hurt. And yes i see that is what nails me, that obligation. It is authentic in my heart but not good for me.

To just suddenly change and become severely distant feels cruel. Still i need to work out how to do something because my head is crushed.
please don't be harsh with me I am really doing my best!

Has she got mixed up with another friend of yours?

No! None of her responses made sense at all.
Asking if my friend wasnt living at home, etc, just truly bizarre.

You’re making this considerably more complicated and difficult than it needs to be. You know this, yes? The best thing you can do for yourself is tone down the drama. It’s not helping you.

If she asks if you can speak, you say ‘no, sorry, I’m busy’. That’s really all you need to say. If she asks you to do something that you don’t fancy doing ‘no, sorry, that doesn’t work for me’. Repeat ad infinitum.

If she gets cross, she gets cross. Nobody will die.

@LittleDrops "Im conflicted as to how to go about it"

If you'd be happiest just with birthday and Christmas contact, then you absolutely must not engage with any other contact? Doable?

I haven't read all the posts but it sounds like she didn't believe you had a friend there at all.

But you don't have to make sense of her emails. If you are feeling suffocated by her, then lower contact. Take longer to reply to messages and texts. When you tell her you are busy, add in a line that you have a very busy day ahead and will talk to her the following day. After a while, stretch that to a longer time e.g. three days.
Or if you genuinely don't want her in your life, tell her you having problems with your phone and its losing signal/ or you and your family are very busy and will contact her next week. But don't expect her to be happy and think you can have a relationship on your terms only and still continue to celebrate birthdays

It sounds like she doesn't have too many people in her life but you aren't responsible for her.

I reckon she would think something was wrong, she is very highly charged so is anxious easily. She would likely call at my house if i didnt email for 2 days. She would freak out. I can't deal with that. If i didnt answer the door she would alert someone else and then they would catch the panic off her!

She would also likely ask me had she done something wrong with a big sad face which would force me to talk.
This does force me into a complete 'no contact' situation, which i was hoping to avoid, but how far will i be pushed?

Im getting there, just give me time. A lot is unfolding in me right now and it feels overwhelming. Past stuff, etc.

See i dont want to delay phone calls, i simply dont want another ever again in this vein. If they were short (not 4 hrs each), normal and about both of us (instead of her problems), i would be happy to talk. Putting it off fills me with as much horror as doing it immediately

I have no idea how to reduce contact respectfully, and of course I accept that she doesnt have to like my terms. What a mess.

Again, this is needlessly dramatic. Nobody is suggesting you drop off the face of the earth. Use your words, be calm, do not engage. Say ‘no’ when you don’t want to do things. Nobody can force you to talk, or have a four hour phone call or anything at all. And you can only be pushed if you allow yourself to be pushed.

I’m not trying to be unkind, so if this isn’t helpful, please tell me and I’ll stop.

Yes its my fear of someone forcing their drama into my life. I am not equipped to deal with it. I suppose my obligatory friendliness in emails is to avoid that. This is good because i had no clarity on this before i started the thread.

A lot to think about, thanks.

Right, I think I have the key here.
It isn't what i do, or say, or how often things happen.
I think i actually need to stop giving a fuck. I give far too many fucks, and this is why i walk on eggshells with her. I need to remove the fucks. Every last one of them.

(apologies to those who dislike cursing!)

That’s the spirit!

But it is also what you do and say, I’m afraid. The IDGAF version of you is going to have to do a bit of work.