Should I trust that my DH has changed?

[NCcaughtinit]

NCed for advice.

DH and I have been together for 18 years, we have 2 children 7 and 5. To cut a (very) long story short, our relationship has been horrible since our children were born - he left me to it for the first year of elder DDs life (I went back to FT work at 5 months but did everything at home too despite a non sleeping baby) and then quit his job as DS arrived 2 years later. Hasnt worked since but also just totally checked out of family life, we have a full time nanny and then on weekends he would berate me if I wanted to do anything away from the kids as he needed time alone. Dismissive of anything going on in my life (I had post natal anxiety with my first and have had all sorts of work challenges etc) and just totally focused on how I wasn’t doing enough for him. When I look back on it it was just awful and I almost can’t believe I put up with it but it was a sort of boiled frog situation. Anyway, the inevitable happened, I got too close to a man from work and kissed him one night (which yes I know was horrible and wrong). Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me and was scanning all my messages - he ended up finding and reading my diary where I wrote about it. It led to a huge blow up where he went absolutely crazy and burnt my clothes etc. In the immediate aftermath I changed jobs and sort of calmed things down, but he was doubly awful to me and after a couple of months of that after yet another hideous joint therapy session I just lost it and said I wanted to divorce as I wasn’t prepared to be treated like this.

me actually walking away (not for someone else, for me) seemed to act as a bucket of cold water for DH and he suddenly sort of snapped and completely changed his tune. He is now much more considerate, leaned into family life (though it must be said not very good at it - I am still very much keeper of the mental load but at least he is doing things) and is actively hunting for a job.

We are now 12 months on from all this. the problem is that I am struggling to let go of the idea that he will let me down again when he goes back to work. He is aggrieved by this but I can’t help but feel like it’s easy for him to make these changes now when he literally has nothing else to do. Job search is taking awhile as he is very senior, and I feel like we are just stuck in this hiatus in the meantime.

so my question - has anyone’s DH radically changed and stuck to it? Or am I right and this is just a temporary improvement? I don’t really want to separate but I know I won’t survive another period like the last time and I’m fearful of it which is making me keep my guard up.

What has actually changed for you though?

He still hasn't got a job. Any job. Even *shock horror, retail or cleaning.
He's still not pulling his weight with chores, children or admin. Doing a job badly is NOT doing the job, dont be conned otherwise.

And anybody who burns clothes in a rage is not someone I would want young children to be around. It's a violent act. Has he had anger management counselling for this?

Remember. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are zero, nada, zilch.

Go now. You are clearly the higher earner. Get out before the pension pot is higher and he has more access. Cut your losses. Both kids are in school so child care should be less.

Good Lord. I don't think you realize how crazy this situation is. He burned your clothes. He STILL isn't working.

I am about as specialized as it's possible to get and yet if I had an exhausted spouse and kids, I'd be spending half my time at any kind of job and the other half dealing with things at home. If he is used to having senior positions at work, then I know you know he is capable of taking the mental load off you at home. Not only will he let you down in future, he's letting you down now.

As for his behaviour in the past, before he found out about the kiss, it was outrageous. It wasn't a one-time mistake made in the heat of the moment, but months (if not years) of sustained unpleasantness and neglect. There is a problem with his character.

I generally bend over backwards to avoid telling parents of young children to split but I have no hesitation at all in telling you you're STILL a frog being boiled in that pot.

You are lucky enough to be able to take care of yourself and not be stuck with him. Because you do have young children and because your husband seems capable of getting violent if you split with him, you need to be careful no matter what you decide to do. It sounds like you can afford to get counselling and I think you should. Get one who can help you strategize for the future.

Feck that. He's just talking about changing but hasn't actually changed. Get the hell away from him.

Someone who hasn’t worked for 5 years is unlikely to get a “very senior” job. He isn’t actually doing anything except a small proportion of the chores and pretending to look for jobs he is no longer suitable for.

Personally, I'd be the loving, dutiful wife. Id put on a great act. Id support him to get a job so he is able to financially support himself. Then I'd divorce his arse. Take some legal advice and obviously don't put in your diary or emails or anything seen as he's screening them. I don't think people really change. Not deep down. I reckon he's making an effort because he doesn't want his life to change drastically but I'd be surprised if he doesn't revert.

ETA: Sorry, I just realised he is purposefully applying for jobs that out out of his league so it looks like he's trying when really it's all an act.

Get a good lawyer and get out now.

Hang on, DH is an arse and has been since you had kids. You kissed ( not shagged) another man, and his response was to burn your clothes?? He's still not working ( and hasn't been for what, 5years?), not doing either the childcare or life admin load. Why do you want to stay with him?
And as a matter of interest, why did you write about kissing someone else in your diary..did you want DH to find out what you'd done? Anyway, that's not really relevant to the current situation. He's clearly a user and is so sure of you doing what he wants that he's not even bothering to look like he's trying hard.

Controlling, lazy cocklodger.

He is just telling you what you need to hear OP. He will go back to being him soon enough, they always do. If i really wanted to work, honestly, he would already have a job within that space of time. I agree controlling lazy cocklodger

7 years of utterly shit behaviour, 12 months of half assed'change' - what are you doing? Where are your limits??

I am in therapy. And we were in marriage counselling but I stopped it as we were just going round in circles. I think it’s probably time to restart so I can have some of these conversations properly. We have not dealt with the behaviour at the time he discovered me cheating as he was adamant that “people do crazy things when they have been cheated on” and of course there is a whole ream of affair literature to back him up on it.

he has made changes. He is much more helpful than he used to be, although starting from a base of zero idea of how to do anything so there is a frustrating “teaching him how to do every task” element for me. But he’s engaged. He’s joined the class whatsapp group. Will take the kids out without grumbling etc. But to a PPs point there is a part of me that feels like he really should be doing, well, everything for home & children, given that he doesn’t do any paid work.

I think the point about his job situation needs to be highlighted. He IS able to get a job. I obviously don't know what his old job was, but if he was in a senior position then he would have managed people and/or budgets and/or projects, written reports, and had specialized skills. If he has any kind of maths or engineering experience, he could walk into any number of highly paid jobs.

The problem is that he is only applying for jobs he can't get.

5 years out of work he is not senior any more.

Are you paying for any sort of childcare or is he doing all the pick ups and drop offs?

If not he is paying lip service to this and I would be quite wary about actually telling him to pick up the slack now so in 6 months he can claim he is the primary cater.

He's not changing, I agree with previous posters.

Is he looking for senior jobs only? If so he will really struggle to find any after so long out of the workplace. He should be looking for ANY job at this stage. And yes, while he's not working he should be doing most of the house/kids stuff. If he's not then any changes just take him from a very very low point to a slightly higher point. Not to an acceptable level. He sounds like a massive arse as well.

Leave. Like, yesterday.

Or technically, a year ago.

Of course he hasn't changed. Peopendont just magically become nice after years of being a cunt. He's pretending, because he wants something.

Either way, whats wrong with just being single? You've done it all alone so far anyway. At least this way there's no threat of coming home to a miserable arsehole who treats you like shit.

Even if he had changed and was Mr Peter perfect from now on, would you ever stop worrying he kight just switch back? Would you ever feel at peace again in your own home with him around?

Life's too short!
Get away. But be aware, the second he realises you mean business and his goody goody fakery isn't working, that mask is going to drop. So get all your ducks in a row. Speak to solicitors ect...
Put all your important stuff somewhere safe (passports, kids passports, any heirlooms or items important to you he may destroy or take out of spite). Before telling him anything.

Exactly this.

He is not doing childcare - we still have our FT nanny as the plan is for him to go back to work! He & I do a roughly equal number of pick ups / drop ups and nanny does the balance.

re work - he is really very senior. One of the reasons I’m so cross that he’s wasted so much time NOT looking for jobs (he only started when all this blew up) is that his currency slips with every year he’s been out. But he doesn’t need the money as such - he’s finding his half of our expenses out of his savings.

There’s a part of me that’s worried about this too. I saw an excellent divorce lawyer when everything blew up last year and she cautioned me about this. She said she knew his type of man and that was the type of trick they usually pulled in a divorce.

But he’s not senior if he’s not working. He was senior. He is now formerly senior. 5 years is a long time to be out of the workplace if he’s got nothing else (publications, board roles) to show for it.

What’s the point of having him in your life? He is draining you in every single way.

Having a nanny while he’s not working is ridiculous.

For me it wouldn't matter if he'd changed. I'm not sure why you'd want to get over him beuso horrific. Him having the audacity to be put out you are questioning would be final straw

For me it wouldn't matter if he'd changed. I'm not sure why you'd want to get over him beuso horrific. Him having the audacity to be put out you are questioning would be final straw

I couldn't be with someone capable of burning my clothes, let alone the rest of it.

He's a horrible human being. Run for the hills. He's not capable of being the man you deserve him to be.

He has done board stuff and a couple of sporadic advisory bits. It doesn’t add up to much (any) of a regular weekly time commitment though!

What’s wrong with being single is that we have two children and I would prefer them to have two parents together. I am perfectly capable of living independently - no worries there.

and he’s not a miserable git anymore. He does what I ask of him - id say we are now in the situation you see dozens of threads on here about where it’s about me having to ask as opposed to it being truly equal. But that would be manageable if there wasn’t this historical behaviour.

I got myself a lawyer at the time it blew up (which he then found out about which caused additional arguments) so I am fine on that front - she’s ready to go if I need her.