Should I trust that my DH has changed?

[NCcaughtinit]

NCed for advice.

DH and I have been together for 18 years, we have 2 children 7 and 5. To cut a (very) long story short, our relationship has been horrible since our children were born - he left me to it for the first year of elder DDs life (I went back to FT work at 5 months but did everything at home too despite a non sleeping baby) and then quit his job as DS arrived 2 years later. Hasnt worked since but also just totally checked out of family life, we have a full time nanny and then on weekends he would berate me if I wanted to do anything away from the kids as he needed time alone. Dismissive of anything going on in my life (I had post natal anxiety with my first and have had all sorts of work challenges etc) and just totally focused on how I wasn’t doing enough for him. When I look back on it it was just awful and I almost can’t believe I put up with it but it was a sort of boiled frog situation. Anyway, the inevitable happened, I got too close to a man from work and kissed him one night (which yes I know was horrible and wrong). Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me and was scanning all my messages - he ended up finding and reading my diary where I wrote about it. It led to a huge blow up where he went absolutely crazy and burnt my clothes etc. In the immediate aftermath I changed jobs and sort of calmed things down, but he was doubly awful to me and after a couple of months of that after yet another hideous joint therapy session I just lost it and said I wanted to divorce as I wasn’t prepared to be treated like this.

me actually walking away (not for someone else, for me) seemed to act as a bucket of cold water for DH and he suddenly sort of snapped and completely changed his tune. He is now much more considerate, leaned into family life (though it must be said not very good at it - I am still very much keeper of the mental load but at least he is doing things) and is actively hunting for a job.

We are now 12 months on from all this. the problem is that I am struggling to let go of the idea that he will let me down again when he goes back to work. He is aggrieved by this but I can’t help but feel like it’s easy for him to make these changes now when he literally has nothing else to do. Job search is taking awhile as he is very senior, and I feel like we are just stuck in this hiatus in the meantime.

so my question - has anyone’s DH radically changed and stuck to it? Or am I right and this is just a temporary improvement? I don’t really want to separate but I know I won’t survive another period like the last time and I’m fearful of it which is making me keep my guard up.

You're earning enough to keep him out of work, and pay for a full time Nanny. So it isn't the money keeping you.

He HASN'T got a job despite looking for a year because he's so SPECIAL he can't just find any job, he has to find one that validates his sense of worth 🙄. Despite being out of the job market for 5 years.
He is still a shit Dad because despite a YEAR of you talking him through it, despite him being so intelligent and special he wants his old high powered job back, he just CANNOT fathom put how to look after a couple of small kids. I mean just how do you manage it every day when it's so complicated??
So logically he's not making enough effort to warrant you staying.

Your kids are growing up seeing that it's totally ok for Dad to NBA with family life and Mom will just pick it up. People in relationships don't need to respect each other or treat each other well. Possibly learning that it's a male/female thing and women should be the ones to do all the running around and men should just be looked after. So staying together for the kids is counter intuitive too.

Are you worried he'll fight for primary custody? I don't know much about it but if this is the only thing keeping you here, I'd seek advice. They're in school, who's doing school runs and after school care?

Finally, he gets all ducking week alone. Next Saturday tell him you need to pop out for an hour, pick up the keys and leave. Then text to say it's taking longer than expected and give it a few more hours.

What’s wrong with being single is that we have two children and I would prefer them to have two parents together.

Of course you’d prefer that. But the thing is op, you aren’t together are you. He just lives in your house. What you now have is a fake marriage with all the negatives and none of the positives.

He is a terrible example of a man and a father.

Currently you have two parents together that AREN'T actually together though.

It's arguably much worse for kids to be raised with parents who don't love eachother and aren't really in a healthy relationship than by two separated parents who are happier, single.

No. Fuck him.

I'd be divorcing before he can say he's the permanent carer so you have to pay him.

What's the point of him?

And no, he's not 'very senior' now after five years out of work!!

Also, never do counselling with an abusive partner.

Good luck.

Sorry in a rush so can't read beyond your first post. But no - he won't have changed, not properly, not longterm.

And think about it - if he can change, why didn't he do it all those years ago when you were miserable, put-upon, overworked, stressed? He chose not to. Because he didn't care.

he's only doing it now because you threatened to leave. Which would inconvenience him. So any change is only for his own benefit.

And if you stay, he will revert to type very soon.

But as I said, even if he didn't revert; even if he became the model husband, surely you couldn't forget how poorly he treated you for YEARS?

He's not working and you've still got a nanny?

So he's doing all the house work, cooking and life admin then? No, didn't think so.

He's not changed it wasn't you leaving him that was a bucket of cold water. It was his cushy life of not working, having a nanny to take care of the children, you earning the money and doing the housework that was the bucket of water.

It’s such an illusion, this whole keeping your children in a two-parent-family fantasy. You’re doing them and yourself no favours here. Surely you have an awareness of how damaging all of this is to your kids? You’re giving them dreadful examples of how a man should treat a woman and how a woman should expect to be treated. For what? So you can say “I’ll ask my husband” in conversation?

Because in no other way are you in a partnership, it’s all smoke and mirrors and manipulation on his part. Ditch the husband and keep the nanny. He’s vile and useless, not a desirable combo.

I'd just like to mention that what you describe as his savings are actually family assets. Don't put yourself in the situation of a divorce further down the line when he has spent all the savings and is looking to you to make provision for him.
If you are going to split, do it sooner rather than later.
But...5 years not working! How have you put up with that?
And, to repeat myself, this is one kiss you are talking about, not an affair. He has seized the opportunity to do what he wants.

@perfectcolourfound this is the thing - he says he didn’t realise how unhappy I was. Which is just hillocks, and even if true HOW can you think it’s ok to behave like that? He thinks I should be over the resentment as I behaved badly too (which I did, with the cheating) - but I see them as different types of hurts. But on the other hand, what’s done is done - if he behaves like he is now for the rest of our lives (albeit with a job in hand) then I’d be happy.

@DelphiniumBlue it has been very difficult to have him not working, especially because he hasn’t used the time to be with family and has got quite angry when I’ve questioned how he is using his time. If the tables were turned it would be unthinkable that I wouldn’t be doing pretty much every drop off, doing the wrap around care etc. But he is properly working on getting a job now and he will - these things take time.

re the financials, I couldn’t have done everything worse in terms of a potential split. We paid everything 50/50 even when he was earning 10x what I did, I paid my half on mat leave when I didn’t earn anything save SMP. And a big chunk of that for him is pre marital assets whereas all of my more recent high earnings go into the marital pot. Our house is 90/10 in his favour even though I pay half the mortgage as he put down most of the deposit (he is 10 years older so had more savings when we bought). It will be a mess to untangle. But ultimately it’s only money and I earn lots of it now and have the capacity to continue to earn. So that’s not really a worry for me - I can leave tomorrow with only my income and savings and be fine.

Bollocks, not hillocks!

😁👍🤣

Op This is what I think. You need that lawyer. She's ready to go and so should you be. Take a look at this man and ask yourself if this is a person you want to grow old with.

He knew you were unhappy. He just didn’t know that you were unhappy enough for it to inconvenience him (Ie by you leaving). So he is fine for you to be miserable when it only affects him (and will do nothing to improve life for you) but when he realises that it will impact him then he will do just (and I really do mean just) enough to avoid you leaving him.

How do you manage to not want to vomit every time you see him? Just the thought of him and his awfulness makes me feel a bit queasy and I don’t even know you.

You don't need to talk about you know. Just see a divorce lawyer. He doesn't need to agree to any of it. It'll just happen anyway.

So far OP 100% of people are saying divorce. And you're still justifying staying.

I cannot tell you how much better your life and that of the kids and nanny will be without him in it.

I didn't believe it either. Better the devil you know etc. But within a week my 3 year old told me it was much quieter without Daddy. I asked if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Her response - Oh Mummy that's a good thing.

You can't see it because you're in it. But how about a temporary (permanent) separation to see what that feels like?

I already tried for a temporary separation. He refused. He won’t leave the house or the kids - in his view if I want to separate I can move out and leave kids with him. The longest I could get him to leave was 2 weeks (with him taking the kids away in the middle weekend - a blissful solo weekend at home alone for me).

There is no intermediate stage - it will be nuclear divorce (I don’t think amicable is a reasonable aspiration) or stay together.

Then you leave the house, with the kids and the nanny. Put the house up for sale.

The longer you leave it the harder it will be. Once he's finished conning you he will go back to doing feck all, but he will be PR with the kids, looking to you for spousal support and keeping the house and (paid by you) nanny. Wake up!! He's doing a long con and you are falling for it.

Go speak to a solicitor this week.

He simply wouldn’t allow me to leave with the children. It would have to be a fly by night thing. Armageddon. I can’t do that to the kids if I feel there might be a different way.

Anyway, there is no need to leave atm. It’s just about my feelings of mistrust and what to do about them. I think we definitely need to get back into therapy.

Allow doesn't come into it. If you want to separate you can. You might have to leave the house but you absolutely don't need to leave the kids. It's true he doesn't need to leave the house as it's equally his but that doesn't mean you have to stay there with his arse.

Why no need to leave at the moment? Your own lawyer warned you about what trick he might be playing, and several people have written it here for you, too. Surely now is exactly the time to leave, before he gets to the end of his long game and gets what he wants?

I don't know you but I hate to see any woman being tricked like this by a man, a man who does fuck all and then will end up with you paying for his lifestyle, living in your house, being the resident parent of children he can barely parent.

Don't they say don't go to therapy with an abuser? He set fire to your clothes. Who thinks to do that? Or are you going to say he's not abusive, that there's nothing in your entire relationship you can say he's done that would be considered abusive?

Na, fuck him. He won't change. He's just doing a poor temporary imitation of someone who has changed.

Your children are 7 and 5 so what does the Nanny do all day when they're in school? What does your husband do?

He simply wouldn’t allow me to leave with the children.
A solicitor will say otherwise. Unless you are planning to take them out of the country.

But I'm out. You will be posting in three years time crying that you have no access to the children, no house, no pension, no money as you are paying cms and spousal, and your life is over.

Reminder. If a person is vengeful enough to burn your clothes then he is certainly vengeful enough to take every little thing off you and then watch you crumble when the realisation hits.

But you love him. He's not all bad. Kids need both parents (no). Am I right?

(Sorry for the harsh words but you are covering your ears going la la la).

Yes, I can't do it anymore either. I went through this with my own mother and it upsets me too much. Women convince themselves they're trapped until they are.