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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I trust that my DH has changed?

138 replies

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 14:30

NCed for advice.

DH and I have been together for 18 years, we have 2 children 7 and 5. To cut a (very) long story short, our relationship has been horrible since our children were born - he left me to it for the first year of elder DDs life (I went back to FT work at 5 months but did everything at home too despite a non sleeping baby) and then quit his job as DS arrived 2 years later. Hasnt worked since but also just totally checked out of family life, we have a full time nanny and then on weekends he would berate me if I wanted to do anything away from the kids as he needed time alone. Dismissive of anything going on in my life (I had post natal anxiety with my first and have had all sorts of work challenges etc) and just totally focused on how I wasn’t doing enough for him. When I look back on it it was just awful and I almost can’t believe I put up with it but it was a sort of boiled frog situation. Anyway, the inevitable happened, I got too close to a man from work and kissed him one night (which yes I know was horrible and wrong). Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me and was scanning all my messages - he ended up finding and reading my diary where I wrote about it. It led to a huge blow up where he went absolutely crazy and burnt my clothes etc. In the immediate aftermath I changed jobs and sort of calmed things down, but he was doubly awful to me and after a couple of months of that after yet another hideous joint therapy session I just lost it and said I wanted to divorce as I wasn’t prepared to be treated like this.

me actually walking away (not for someone else, for me) seemed to act as a bucket of cold water for DH and he suddenly sort of snapped and completely changed his tune. He is now much more considerate, leaned into family life (though it must be said not very good at it - I am still very much keeper of the mental load but at least he is doing things) and is actively hunting for a job.

We are now 12 months on from all this. the problem is that I am struggling to let go of the idea that he will let me down again when he goes back to work. He is aggrieved by this but I can’t help but feel like it’s easy for him to make these changes now when he literally has nothing else to do. Job search is taking awhile as he is very senior, and I feel like we are just stuck in this hiatus in the meantime.

so my question - has anyone’s DH radically changed and stuck to it? Or am I right and this is just a temporary improvement? I don’t really want to separate but I know I won’t survive another period like the last time and I’m fearful of it which is making me keep my guard up.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 09/10/2023 07:32

Newbutoldfather · 09/10/2023 07:16

@fuckssaaaaake ,

I don’t totally get this thread.

To me, the OP’s (10 years older) husband semi retired with plenty of money, after a big career which paid for the OP to have the lifestyle she wanted.

Now OP has her own career and finds her husband a bit dull, so had her head turned and, for some reason, is desperate to get him back to work. There is almost zero (even residual) affection on the OP’s posts and the reason to stay together seems financial and outward appearance.

If the sexes were reversed, reactions would be very different.

Regardless of blame, however, this is a deeply unhappy and dysfunctional relationship and it serves no one well to try to continue it.

A bit dull? That is a hideous insult to dull men everywhere. By dull, you mean to say so absolutely fucking useless he makes an empty unplugged in refrigerator sitting on the moon look like a productive worthwhile member of society, which wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t have any obligations. But he had a wife,variously parenting tiny babies and working and single parenting while paying for childcare as the husband at home was … absolutely fucking useless, and he has children. Who had no father figure in their lives worth speaking of. But you say ‘a bit dull’

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 08:26

Part of being in an abusive relationship is protecting the actions of the abuser and youre doing that OP in regards to his job searching.
Why couldn't he move out THEN prove he can get a job...but ...hes an abuser, it will go back to normal OP after he thinks hes reeled you in again. Good luck

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 08:29

@fuckssaaaaake
Theres nothing wrong with ditching someone because theyve become 'dull'. People change. Hes also abusive on top of dull.

fuckssaaaaake · 09/10/2023 08:32

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 08:29

@fuckssaaaaake
Theres nothing wrong with ditching someone because theyve become 'dull'. People change. Hes also abusive on top of dull.

Ey? Where did I say she can't ditch him for being dull, lol. I'm saying it's not ok to cheat, ever and she agrees

Takeabreather23 · 09/10/2023 08:45

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 15:59

There’s a part of me that’s worried about this too. I saw an excellent divorce lawyer when everything blew up last year and she cautioned me about this. She said she knew his type of man and that was the type of trick they usually pulled in a divorce.

Show quote history

@NCcaughtinit and yet you are staying with this abuser . I think that what he is, even the lawyer knows .

Dont waste anymore years . The minute you file for divorce the real him will be back and worse than ever .

You should leave

5128gap · 09/10/2023 08:45

Why did your husband treat you like this in the first place? What about his personality, circumstances, character turned him into your abuser? And what has changed in his personality circumstances, character that has caused him to change? And how has this happened? What work has he done on himself to now understand how he wronged you so you can be confident he won't do so again?
Because yes, people can change, but if the apparent 'change' happens suddenly, and conveniently when they have no choice, as a last resort to keep you, often it will last only until they feel the danger of you leaving has passed.

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 08:52

fuckssaaaaake · 09/10/2023 08:32

Ey? Where did I say she can't ditch him for being dull, lol. I'm saying it's not ok to cheat, ever and she agrees

Show quote history

Sorry @fuckssaaaaake was meant for @Codlingmoths reply to you ♥️

Snugglemonkey · 09/10/2023 08:55

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 20:20

Anyway, there is no need to leave atm. It’s just about my feelings of mistrust and what to do about them. I think we definitely need to get back into therapy.

There is a need to leave him. He really is not a good partner and you are throwing away more of your pension all the time, investing more of your assets all the time.

Snugglemonkey · 09/10/2023 08:59

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 21:32

it is absolute insanity to have kept her. My half of her pay has probably cost me £250k+ over that time period. But he always said that he was about to start job hunting. He would get very cross if I asked him what / when he was doing anything and it was always that he was about to start looking. It seemed horrible brinkmanship to fire our nanny as ultimately I, the one with the job, would be left in the absolute shit if he failed to step up plus my kids would lose their beloved nanny and companion.

now he IS actually looking, he has a pipeline of jobs that I have vetted and are all achievable etc. but I am impatient as he’s arsed around for so long.

Show quote history

I would not regret the nanny either. That will help you prove he is not the primary care giver when you sort custody of the children.

lonelylou09 · 09/10/2023 09:05

@NCcaughtinit please don't stay together for the sake of the children. Nothing is more traumatic for children than living with unhappy parents. You may think you are shielding them from how Thier father is and how he makes you feel but believe me...you're not! Not matter their ages children are very sensitive to this going on around them.
He has not provided for you or them financially, emotionally or physically.
Get the best divorce lawyer you can get and tell him to love out while it's sorted. If he wants the house then tell him if can be sold or handed back over to him once you have sorted out a new home for you and the children to keep the upheaval to a minimum for the children. He's a grown man..time he started acting like it.
This 'change' in him is fake and he hasn't forgiven you for that kiss.
Why wait til Christmas?! If I've learned anything in own my disaster of a love life it's this...men never change! So get out and maybe one day you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve

greyhairnomore · 09/10/2023 10:32

Even if he does miraculously change , how can you forgive him for being such a wanker now and having to employ a nanny because he won't look after his own children?

Mumof3confused · 09/10/2023 10:48

What change are you expecting? Just for him to take on more tasks, or a deeper change in his subconscious attitudes to women and his sense of entitlement which led him to treat you like garbage during the years when you needed his support the most? Is he doing the deep work?

LongLizStridesAgain · 09/10/2023 11:45

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Prelapsarianhag · 09/10/2023 12:15

What I would find hard to get past is that he knows how to behave well but actively chose to act like a cunt for 6 years of your kid's lives.

G5000 · 09/10/2023 12:21

he’s had 12 months since your last blow up to mend his ways and in all that time, he still hasn’t found a job (ANY job) and continues using strategic incompetence to ensure he takes enough of the load to look like he’s helping but not so much that it would be genuinely helpful.

OP, that, really. You say he changed 12 months ago, but he still doesn't have a job, and still doesn't pull his weight. And this is now the absolute best behaviour he can muster.

Original poster
NCcaughtinit · 09/10/2023 14:36

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Of course he needs to job hunt - he needs to make himself known to be available plus he needs to activate his own network which is far more efficient than headhunters. He is in neither law nor accountancy and will be fine to get a job - I don’t need advice on that part, I promise you I can evaluate it just fine.

my nanny has free time during term time because I need her for the endless holidays and to reliably be there to do wraparound care (plus she will do the odd overnight sole in charge when we need - this happens rarely but I have no one else to leave the kids with). Is it the most cost efficient use of child care? No, but it’s the most reliable and it gives the children a 121 enduring relationship with their childcare provider. I don’t think it’s particularly odd at all - we can afford it. What’s odd is that my dh has not actually been working!

OP posts:
Original poster
NCcaughtinit · 09/10/2023 14:36

Prelapsarianhag · 09/10/2023 12:15

What I would find hard to get past is that he knows how to behave well but actively chose to act like a cunt for 6 years of your kid's lives.

Honestly this is my biggest problem.

OP posts:
LongLizStridesAgain · 09/10/2023 15:02

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Original poster
NCcaughtinit · 09/10/2023 15:22

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I think 12-18 months is reasonable. He was way too narrow at the start which I forgive him for as he hasn’t had to get a job for a long time. He then got far down the road in one process and stopped working on other stuff (see above re not having had to hustle for a long time). But yes there comes a point it gets ridiculous. He has said he will get interim/advisory stuff ft if nothing eventuates thus my Christmas deadline.

re defending him - because he has stopped the bastard behaviours. As I said, if he’d been like this all
along I wouldn’t be unhappy (would be grumbling about mental load but no different to pretty much every woman I know). It’s the track record of messing around for so long that makes me anxious

OP posts:
LongLizStridesAgain · 09/10/2023 15:48

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category12 · 09/10/2023 16:09

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 21:25

We had a huge fight about it but I was heavily pregnant at the time and he refused to back down so what could I do? He now just says that he admits he had a weird thing about it being “his” money (which was rubbish as we couldn’t have got the mortgage without my salary) but he now doesn’t think of it that way. One of my things I need to do is get it in equal shares - but tricky to do right now as our marriage is so unstable, it’s a tough ask.

basically he was a complete arsehole on every dimension for the first 5-6 years of my children’s lives. That’s not in dispute, by either me or him. He says he feels terrible about it and has apologised profusely. The question is whether the changes he’s made are sustainable (and of course what happens when he finally gets a job).

Show quote history

If he's genuinely sorry, then it shouldn't be a big ask for him to make amends in concrete ways, such as by evening out property ownership. It shouldn't be trickier now he admits his bad behaviour, it should be like "oh of course - I was a right shite about that, wasn't I? Let's get it sorted".

But actually you're terrified of his reactions on all scores.

So you know, you're just deluding yourself that anything has changed. If it had, you wouldn't still be tip-toeing around him.

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2023 16:15

Different perspective:

Question 1.

Do you think your husband is a nice human being?

No, right? I mean...he's not. Hes probably about as far away from nice as possible infact.

Question 2.
If you don't think your partner is a nice person, why would you want them in your life?

I mean. .you have one life. Surely everyone we keep close to us...bare minimum they should be nice people. Kind, warm, pleasant to be around.

He's none of that.
He doesn't even hit the bare minimum. Let alone anything else.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/10/2023 16:21

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 15:58

He is not doing childcare - we still have our FT nanny as the plan is for him to go back to work! He & I do a roughly equal number of pick ups / drop ups and nanny does the balance.

re work - he is really very senior. One of the reasons I’m so cross that he’s wasted so much time NOT looking for jobs (he only started when all this blew up) is that his currency slips with every year he’s been out. But he doesn’t need the money as such - he’s finding his half of our expenses out of his savings.

I think you might find he WAS very senior. I’d definitely take the posters advice who said let him get a job ( although I’d be very surprised if this actually happens ) then dump his sorry arse.

Runnerinthenight · 09/10/2023 17:04

Why can't he get "interim/advisory" work now???!!

LaviniasBigBloomers · 10/10/2023 10:05

@LongLizStridesAgain posts are very insightful, I'm really just highlighting so that you read them again.

I would also add that you haven't forgiven him anything, even if you're telling yourself you have. I mean, I don't blame you, I wouldn't forgive him either. But at least be honest with yourself, that's then one fewer plate to mentally spin.