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Original poster

Should I trust that my DH has changed?

138 replies

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 14:30

NCed for advice.

DH and I have been together for 18 years, we have 2 children 7 and 5. To cut a (very) long story short, our relationship has been horrible since our children were born - he left me to it for the first year of elder DDs life (I went back to FT work at 5 months but did everything at home too despite a non sleeping baby) and then quit his job as DS arrived 2 years later. Hasnt worked since but also just totally checked out of family life, we have a full time nanny and then on weekends he would berate me if I wanted to do anything away from the kids as he needed time alone. Dismissive of anything going on in my life (I had post natal anxiety with my first and have had all sorts of work challenges etc) and just totally focused on how I wasn’t doing enough for him. When I look back on it it was just awful and I almost can’t believe I put up with it but it was a sort of boiled frog situation. Anyway, the inevitable happened, I got too close to a man from work and kissed him one night (which yes I know was horrible and wrong). Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me and was scanning all my messages - he ended up finding and reading my diary where I wrote about it. It led to a huge blow up where he went absolutely crazy and burnt my clothes etc. In the immediate aftermath I changed jobs and sort of calmed things down, but he was doubly awful to me and after a couple of months of that after yet another hideous joint therapy session I just lost it and said I wanted to divorce as I wasn’t prepared to be treated like this.

me actually walking away (not for someone else, for me) seemed to act as a bucket of cold water for DH and he suddenly sort of snapped and completely changed his tune. He is now much more considerate, leaned into family life (though it must be said not very good at it - I am still very much keeper of the mental load but at least he is doing things) and is actively hunting for a job.

We are now 12 months on from all this. the problem is that I am struggling to let go of the idea that he will let me down again when he goes back to work. He is aggrieved by this but I can’t help but feel like it’s easy for him to make these changes now when he literally has nothing else to do. Job search is taking awhile as he is very senior, and I feel like we are just stuck in this hiatus in the meantime.

so my question - has anyone’s DH radically changed and stuck to it? Or am I right and this is just a temporary improvement? I don’t really want to separate but I know I won’t survive another period like the last time and I’m fearful of it which is making me keep my guard up.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/10/2023 20:48

I think you're in an abusive/controlling relationship and actually joint counselling is a very bad idea in that situation.

I think he'll backslide once he's confident you're sticking around.

DawsonWins · 08/10/2023 20:49

@NCcaughtinit id carry in with the counselling for yourself.

I have a DH who can change behaviour overnight too. You dint ever trust they won’t go back to their previous behaviour
Simply, if they thought it was ok to do then, they’ll think it’s ok to do again. They will simply find another reason/excuse as to why it’s ok.

And that’s with someone who respects my personal space - aka DH wouldn’t go and spy on me, read my diary (how dare he!) and then berate me for my choices (like seeing a solicitor).

In your case, if he has as little respect fur your personal space, I would not be able to trust him in anything tbh.

Orangello · 08/10/2023 20:50

I don't get it. He's unemployed. Just only started doing a little bit around the house, but needs detailled instructions. And you have a full time nanny. So what exactly has he been doing for the past 5 years, sitting on his backside?

DawsonWins · 08/10/2023 20:52

And btw, I agree that he is actually controlling/abusive.

All his behaviour shouts that - he won’t allow you. Tells you you can’t see a solicitor. Burns your clothes etc .
Not working despite being so senior etc… (will make it harder when you divorce, allow him to have a bigger part if the cake maybe, threatening you with the dcs because he us a SAHD etc….)

Id be very careful.

Loubelle70 · 08/10/2023 20:56

'I think he'll backslide once he's confident you're sticking around'

Yep...my ex did this all the time.

Orangello · 08/10/2023 20:59

And he hasn't radically changed. Still does very little compared to you. Still 'allows' or doesn't allow you to do things. So he's just a little less shit.

roseheartfly · 08/10/2023 21:04

Mumofteenandtween · 08/10/2023 15:22

Someone who hasn’t worked for 5 years is unlikely to get a “very senior” job. He isn’t actually doing anything except a small proportion of the chores and pretending to look for jobs he is no longer suitable for.

I thought this.

Very senior waste of space.

Manager of nothing.

Chief gas lighter.

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2023 21:10

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 20:16

He simply wouldn’t allow me to leave with the children. It would have to be a fly by night thing. Armageddon. I can’t do that to the kids if I feel there might be a different way.

But you can do it to you. Read all you have written. WTH "different way" can there possibly be??? There is no different way.

I am frustrated with you now. No matter what you are advised, you bury your head in the sand. You are in so so much more of a fortunate situation than so many other women who are controlled by abusive men, because you have the financial freedom to leave without a backward glance, and you won't do it.

GDIL · 08/10/2023 21:12

I earn lots of it now and have the capacity to continue to earn.

Therefore you must be intelligent but choose not to recognise a man who is dead in the water professionally, maritally and parentally.
He’s a rope round your neck.
Give your solicitor the green light asap.

Dery · 08/10/2023 21:19

Another here who sees very little reason for you to stay.

And the house: 90/10!?!?!? How did that not tell you he’s a bastard, @NCcaughtinit? That’s your family home but you only get 10% of the value of you split!?!?

DH put in a lot more than me when we bought our house (we weren’t married then either) and paid the whole mortgage (and all other outgoings) while I paid childcare costs. The house is still 50/50 owned. It never crossed his mind to do otherwise because he knew it was my home too.

This man is not a team player, OP. He only cares about himself.

Original poster
NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 21:20

I don’t think he is playing a trick on me because he’d want to get rid of the effing nanny if he did! Nanny doesn’t do much while kids are in school but I need her for holiday cover, illnesses etc as well as wrap around care at end of day. She has been with us since I went back to work with my daughter so is part of our family (we don’t have any actual family near by). On the legal front I’ve been following my lawyer’s advice so no weekends away / personal trips away from the house, keep up my share of drop offs / pick ups etc.

I think if no job materialises by Christmas I will have to ask him to leave. I don’t know that I will be able to hang on any longer in this weird in between space.

OP posts:
Mischance · 08/10/2023 21:20

Good grief - this man burned your clothes!?
He does not sound wholly sane and not someone to spend your life with or parent your children.

You know what he is really like.

strawberry2017 · 08/10/2023 21:21

A husband who doesn't work and you pay for a nanny. That's absolutely absurd and such a a waste of money you could be saving to leave him.

Orangello · 08/10/2023 21:22

I need her for holiday cover, illnesses etc as well as wrap around care at end of day.

But, but their dad is there. Doing nothing.

Original poster
NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 21:25

Dery · 08/10/2023 21:19

Another here who sees very little reason for you to stay.

And the house: 90/10!?!?!? How did that not tell you he’s a bastard, @NCcaughtinit? That’s your family home but you only get 10% of the value of you split!?!?

DH put in a lot more than me when we bought our house (we weren’t married then either) and paid the whole mortgage (and all other outgoings) while I paid childcare costs. The house is still 50/50 owned. It never crossed his mind to do otherwise because he knew it was my home too.

This man is not a team player, OP. He only cares about himself.

We had a huge fight about it but I was heavily pregnant at the time and he refused to back down so what could I do? He now just says that he admits he had a weird thing about it being “his” money (which was rubbish as we couldn’t have got the mortgage without my salary) but he now doesn’t think of it that way. One of my things I need to do is get it in equal shares - but tricky to do right now as our marriage is so unstable, it’s a tough ask.

basically he was a complete arsehole on every dimension for the first 5-6 years of my children’s lives. That’s not in dispute, by either me or him. He says he feels terrible about it and has apologised profusely. The question is whether the changes he’s made are sustainable (and of course what happens when he finally gets a job).

OP posts:
SkyFullofStars1975 · 08/10/2023 21:26

My gosh, are you sleepwalking?!

Because there is no logical explanation for your behaviour, sorry.

Original poster
NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 21:27

Orangello · 08/10/2023 21:22

I need her for holiday cover, illnesses etc as well as wrap around care at end of day.

But, but their dad is there. Doing nothing.

He’s now very busy job hunting - !! Plus (and more importantly) if he goes back to work in next 3-6 months I don’t want to let go of our much loved nanny to save a few months wages. She will
move on fast to a new job if we let her go.

OP posts:
Orangello · 08/10/2023 21:28

I get that you want to keep the nanny inbcase he gets a job. But honestly it is really weird to have kept her for all those years when he made no job-hunting efforts.

Mum2jenny · 08/10/2023 21:29

No, just get rid as he will promise the earth and never deliver!

Original poster
NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 21:32

Orangello · 08/10/2023 21:28

I get that you want to keep the nanny inbcase he gets a job. But honestly it is really weird to have kept her for all those years when he made no job-hunting efforts.

it is absolute insanity to have kept her. My half of her pay has probably cost me £250k+ over that time period. But he always said that he was about to start job hunting. He would get very cross if I asked him what / when he was doing anything and it was always that he was about to start looking. It seemed horrible brinkmanship to fire our nanny as ultimately I, the one with the job, would be left in the absolute shit if he failed to step up plus my kids would lose their beloved nanny and companion.

now he IS actually looking, he has a pipeline of jobs that I have vetted and are all achievable etc. but I am impatient as he’s arsed around for so long.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/10/2023 21:39

I wouldn't regret the money on the nanny - but than him being SAHP and wielding that over your head regarding residency of the children.

category12 · 08/10/2023 21:39

better not but

uhOhOP · 08/10/2023 21:49

He's been unemployed for five years but you think there's a chance he will get a job within eleven weeks? For five years he's been sitting at home showing no signs of wanting to get a job, but you think he's now going to spring into action? He will not find a job. You know that.

Why are you making excuses for this man? Why are you letting him string you along? He's bringing nothing to your life apart from abuse and needless expense, and probably stress from having to manage as though you're a single parent. Do away with him. It really sounds as though you've no reasons at all to stay with him.

Original poster
NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 21:53

Well he has already sprung into action - he’s half way through some formal interview processes now that should conclude by Christmas. He had a job offer in the summer but it got pulled because the company was then sold.

OP posts:
uhOhOP · 08/10/2023 22:14

NCcaughtinit · 08/10/2023 21:53

Well he has already sprung into action - he’s half way through some formal interview processes now that should conclude by Christmas. He had a job offer in the summer but it got pulled because the company was then sold.

So if he gets this job will he then earn more than you earn? I'm wondering if the job means he will be A Man With An Important Job which will probably result in him having "legitimate" reasons to slack with his household and parental duties.