Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

How does your dp/dh treat you when you’re poorly?

149 replies

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 07:51

Just that really.

I’ve got a horrible cold. Yesterday I had a day off and came down stairs at 7.20. About 20 mins later than usual. He had started kids breakfasts but nothing else and I then took over. As I was coming down the stairs he started booing me presumably because he had had to do that small task. He said it was a joke but it didn’t feel like one.

this morning is worse, my voice is gone and my throat hurts badly. He has work this morning then football this afternoon. He sent dd to wake me for him leaving for work presumably so he didn’t have to ‘see’ how bad I was despite coughing all night. I went downstairs and he was so cold and almost pissed off when he saw / heard me. I’ve had very little sleep and asked him to sack football off so I can go to bed. Was greeted with huffs and puffs of oh I knew this was coming.

i feel like an inconvenience. I’m not expecting much, just a sense that I’m cared for. I really don’t feel that.

OP posts:

AutumnCrow · 07/10/2023 07:55

As I was coming down the stairs he started booing me presumably because he had had to do that small task.

He started booing you??! Wtaf?

TheClitterati · 07/10/2023 07:57

ExP being unkind when I was ill was the straw that broke our relationship.

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2023 08:00

He’s a twat. My DH takes over with no fuss if I’m ill.

Original poster

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 08:14

Yeah literally booing me. Arms outstretched, giving the thumbs down and loud boos.
He hasn't once asked how I am. He ran to the shop and bought some flu tablets but I honestly think that was to try and safeguard his football not to help me.
Its definitely another nail in the relationship.

OP posts:

jollyhollyday · 07/10/2023 08:44

I heard on a podcast recently that a true test of a man and if he's a narcissist is how they treat you when you are ill.

Falconer · 07/10/2023 08:49

He shown you what he thinks of you. You are just there to facilitate his life. He should be sending you back to bed with a 'don't worry, I've got this'!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 07/10/2023 08:49

jollyhollyday · 07/10/2023 08:44

I heard on a podcast recently that a true test of a man and if he's a narcissist is how they treat you when you are ill.

That's true. I ended a relationship over it many years ago. We were talking about marriage and kids, thought he was the one, then I was really poorly with food poisoning for a couple of days and he went really cold and wouldn't help me.

That was the end of that relationship. DH isn't brilliant, but he would take over and sack off football and has done exactly that in the past. I once asked him to come home and not go to football. He sounded a bit huffy on the phone but as soon as he saw me he said "go up to bed, I'll bring you a cup of tea and put the kids to bed".

I'm sorry your DH is a twat.

Lavenderosa · 07/10/2023 08:51

What's he like when he's ill? Does he expect you to look after him?

bobisbored · 07/10/2023 08:54

I am also full of cold. My DH has done all the washing, food shop, cooked me dinner, and breakfast in bed this morning, sorted the kids and offered to do the kids activities running about today. You deserve better.

buckarootoo · 07/10/2023 08:56

I hate this kind of behaviour, my DH is the same.
Irony is he acts like a poorly child at the merest hint of his own illness and expects to be looked after whereas I power on as much as possible.

MrsNandortheRelentless · 07/10/2023 09:00

Bloody hell, I feel for you op. That’s shitty behaviour.

Mine takes over everything completely, let’s me sleep and get better. That said, I’m never ill so on the rare occasion, he does it all. Same if he isn’t well which again is very very rare.
It’s how we work though normally, it’s very equal and shared.

It never even crossed my mind that he wouldn’t do this.

TweedTart · 07/10/2023 09:01

The boo-ing is weird?!

My DH is kind and caring when I’m ill. He’ll leave me to get on with it if I just need rest. He’ll properly nurse me if I need it - food, drinks, medicine etc.

I’d have to be dying for him to cancel football, in fairness, 😆.

Skyclimber · 07/10/2023 09:03

Ah you are a household appliance and you have broken down causing an inconvenience.

How my Dh treats me? Exactly how you would treat a poorly child, with kindness, and love and not as an inconvenience. He would tuck me in bed, tell me he is doing it all and he would, with love. Bring me tea/water/meds, check on me. Because when you love and care for someone that is how it should be. And this is good because over 20 years I was diagnosed with a medical condition which has seen me very poorly over the years. We have been together for nearly 30 years.

When we had first moved in together I was in the bath on my period feeling like death and without asking he put a portable TV on a chair on the landing so I could watch a TV show to distract myself. I knew right then and there this man was just completely lovely.

Our sons will check if we need drinks if we are outside gardening, they are 20 and 17! Or if we are doing DIY come and ask us what we want for lunch. They have been taught to care and think about others.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 07/10/2023 09:06

I’m currently in bed, very very unwell. I don’t know what lurgy I have but it’s knocked me for six. I’m alternating between constantly shivering to then being a sweaty mess. All my bones and muscles ache, extreme tiredness and horrible headache and sore throat.

My husband has been fab….he went into work late yesterday morning so he could take the kids to school, and then he left work early so he could pick them up too.

He came home with boxes of paracetamol and ibuprofen and some of my favourite chocolates. Not that I’ve been able to eat them as my throat is sore and I can barely swallow unless it’s a yogurt.

He also went scrabbling around in the loft for me last night to try and find some extra
blankets for the bed because I was so so cold. He’s regularly on “hot water bottle” duty too.

Yesterday and today he was popping up every 20-30 minutes to check I’m okay and ask if I want anything.

He’s now taking the children out for the day to allow me to have some quiet and rest.

Defibitely no booing or attitude over here.

Your partner sounds awful and I can’t fathom how a decent guy would treat his partner so badly when she’s feeling so ill. I imagine it says a lot about his character.

SpringleDingle · 07/10/2023 09:08

I am autistic and currently struggling a bit and my DP has been the soul of kindness, understanding and compassion. He is making all the adjustments needed for me to cope, doing extra and generally looking after me.

Yours sounds like an arse. What joy does he spark in your life?

Cowlover89 · 07/10/2023 09:11

He's an arsehole. My partner takes over and looks after me

BettyPhuckzer · 07/10/2023 09:11

I used to know a woman whose husband was the nicest man ever. Truly so lovely

Until she got ill

Then he would ignore her, be angry with her, make unpleasant comments until she was well again

It was very very bizarre

She reckoned it was fear. He didn't know how to cope when she was out of action

So strange

Watchkeys · 07/10/2023 09:14

It doesn't matter what anybody else's partner does. If you're not happy with your partner, tell him, and explain why. If he doesn't respect your feelings, you're with the wrong partner.

How does he expect to be treated when he's ill? Is it different from the way he's treating you? If he expects mollycoddling and time off, he's being really horrible now. If he's happy with being booed and having his feelings dismissed, then you're just different, and need a chat to understand each other and find a compromise.

My partner and I had an issue with 'I left you on your own because you were in pain, so I thought you'd want that', when what was wanted was sympathy and a cuddle. People are different.

caringcarer · 07/10/2023 09:14

My DH treats me very well. He always brings me tea in bed but if I'm poorly he'll bring me tea and soup in bed, rub in Volertol cream, bring me paracetamol etc. When I get up he'll cook and do household chores like run vacuum around and load the dishwasher.

MissKittyFantastico84 · 07/10/2023 09:17

I was seriously ill for a long time before my kidney transplant, which took over our lives for months. My husband was a wonderful support, shouldering the burden and taking care of our son when I couldn't.

I felt incredibly guilty at times but I never had to question whether or not he'd pick up the slack.

Now I'm better, we share our lives as before - and I am so grateful for what he did, and I'll never forget it.

With kindness, it doesn't sound like you have a partner in life - so what's the point of the relationship? No one should BOO you for feeling unwell - and just imagine, god forbid, if you were to fall seriously unwell.

I hope this nail is close to the final one - you deserve love and care, even when you're not poorly, but even more so when you are. xx

WithIcePlease · 07/10/2023 09:17

jollyhollyday · 07/10/2023 08:44

I heard on a podcast recently that a true test of a man and if he's a narcissist is how they treat you when you are ill.

I have always said to DD's that if a boyfriend cba to get lemsip or chicken soup or whatever from a corner shop or a garage when they are ill, that that is a dealbreaker imo. If they can't be bothered with this, it'll be a nightmare with children in the equation.

Snowwhite83 · 07/10/2023 09:19

My husband is strange grumpy and says mean comments when I'm ill. However he put the kids to bed last two nights and taken kids out today which means I can rest. But I'll still be expected to do some house chores. I feel both annoyed and grateful!

rainbowstardrops · 07/10/2023 09:23

He booed you?! What an absolute arse! I'll hazard a guess that he's pretty useless all round?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 07/10/2023 09:25

Is there a chance he thinks you're malingering? If my DH is actually unwell I'll look after him however he needs but sometimes I think he just feels a bit 'off' and makes a big fuss which I get resentful about and then I'm not nice, because I feel like he's shirking. Not supporting my own behaviour here by the way, just an honest appraisal!

buckarootoo · 07/10/2023 09:25

What was the podcast @jollyhollyday? Sounds like something I should have a listen to

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6