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Original poster

How does your dp/dh treat you when you’re poorly?

149 replies

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 07:51

Just that really.

I’ve got a horrible cold. Yesterday I had a day off and came down stairs at 7.20. About 20 mins later than usual. He had started kids breakfasts but nothing else and I then took over. As I was coming down the stairs he started booing me presumably because he had had to do that small task. He said it was a joke but it didn’t feel like one.

this morning is worse, my voice is gone and my throat hurts badly. He has work this morning then football this afternoon. He sent dd to wake me for him leaving for work presumably so he didn’t have to ‘see’ how bad I was despite coughing all night. I went downstairs and he was so cold and almost pissed off when he saw / heard me. I’ve had very little sleep and asked him to sack football off so I can go to bed. Was greeted with huffs and puffs of oh I knew this was coming.

i feel like an inconvenience. I’m not expecting much, just a sense that I’m cared for. I really don’t feel that.

OP posts:
Pandora55 · 07/10/2023 09:27

My exh was like this. He hated me being sick. I was in hospital with a serious condition for two weeks. He visited me twice!. And I had to get a family member to stay at my home and take care of our kids as he was bloody clueless.

My now DH is the total opposite. I was sick recently and he was straight on it, cooked me soup from scratch, naturally took over everything in the house, made sure I had all my meds and I could just sleep it off without a worry. Only thing he's rubbish at is laundry but I'd lost weight so it didn't matter that he'd shrunk some of my stuff lol.

It all really just shows that he really cares and that we are a team.

DelilahBucket · 07/10/2023 09:28

My ex once left me looking after a toddler with a stomach bug while I had the same stomach bug because he needed a nap. Why? Because he'd been woken in the night by us throwing up. He wasn't poorly, just a selfish twat.
DH came downstairs yesterday, saw I was suffering with a migraine, gave me a hug and took over cooking tea and then cleaning up afterwards while I laid on the sofa. Big difference.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 07/10/2023 09:30

I have always said to DD's that if a boyfriend cba to get lemsip or chicken soup or whatever from a corner shop or a garage when they are ill, that that is a dealbreaker imo. If they can't be bothered with this, it'll be a nightmare with children in the equation

I think that's a really important message for DD.

I had a boyfriend at 18 and I had a serious accident. He visited me maybe once or twice and then I didn't see him or hear from him again until I was up and back at work.

He then put his energies in trying to minimise his behaviour and get me to continue the relationship.

My DF had said to me when I'd been upset" if he's like this now what would he be like if you PG and needed him". My DF was right of course and the ex stayed where he should be, in the past.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/10/2023 09:32

The booing thing makes him sound like a total loon as well as a nasty person. Neither dh nor I are the type to act as nursemaid, rush off to get soup and Lemsip etc, or want each other to do so when we are ill, but we certainly wouldn't be unpleasant or expect the ill one to do things they were clearly not up to doing. I'm pretty sure neither of us has ever taken to our bed with a cold though, and expected the other to cancel stuff.

Loubelle70 · 07/10/2023 09:34

@Skyclimber 'you are a household appliance and you have broken down causing an inconvenience'

Exactly this.
My ex never looked after me when i was ill i just looked after myself and powered on. Id never put up with that now.
Your OH is a sexist misogynist...selfish to boot under the guise of 'humour' (the boo) 😡

Zanatdy · 07/10/2023 09:38

He booed you, because he had to do more for the kids than usual. What a complete arse. Clearly you being unwell is an inconvenience to him, he doesn’t want to miss his hobbies. Fair enough he doesn’t want to miss out, but sometimes you have to in life. It doesn’t sound like he cares very much about you, and I imagine that’s how you’re feeling. Get well soon

ArseMenagerie · 07/10/2023 09:40

He sees you as a domestic appliance and live in servant. You’re not allowed to be ill because you can’t break and you don’t get sick leave.

Original poster
Mitmat · 07/10/2023 09:41

The household appliance analogy is spot on. I've ruined his day basically.

When he's been ill I step up and look after him.

No he doesnt think im malingering, I'm all sweaty and hot. I tried to speak to dd and my voice was 90% gone, I'm so snotty. There's no way to look like I'm exaggerating because it's obvious that I'm not well.

He's messaged me about annual leave for next year but not a how are you in sight.

OP posts:
Bemyclementine · 07/10/2023 09:45

My ExH was like this. But donned the dressing gown of doom if he had so much as a sniffle.

TheChosenTwo · 07/10/2023 09:50

He sounds really uncaring and unkind. Not really a loving relationship.
Dh is great if I’m bedbound, leaves me but will pick up the slack without question. It DOES highlight how much I do around the house and with/for the kids and he will have to come and ask me questions because generally it’s stuff I deal with day to day and he just doesn’t know but he’ll bring drinks, medication, cook (he does this all the time anyway) and get on with house stuff.
He’s been laid up for the past 2 weeks and I’ve done the same for him. It’s just kindness isn’t it? Without that, what’s the point? If he can’t be kind to you when you’re not well, what are you getting out of this set up?

MsRosley · 07/10/2023 10:04

His spousal support unit is malfunctioning and he's pissed off about it.

Howdoesitworkagain · 07/10/2023 10:05

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/10/2023 09:32

The booing thing makes him sound like a total loon as well as a nasty person. Neither dh nor I are the type to act as nursemaid, rush off to get soup and Lemsip etc, or want each other to do so when we are ill, but we certainly wouldn't be unpleasant or expect the ill one to do things they were clearly not up to doing. I'm pretty sure neither of us has ever taken to our bed with a cold though, and expected the other to cancel stuff.

I agree with this. We’re quite a resilient, “get on with it” type of family and rarely get properly ill. We would just carry on with colds etc and not expect the other to cancel, but we’d also not expect the rudeness you’ve had from your husband OP.

When properly ill - too ill to be online or doing anything really - we check on one another every few hours, bring water or whatever is needed, then head off to work. We don’t take time off to care for one another, as we’re adults. If it’s one of the kids who’s ill, one of us works from home.

BedtimeCuppa · 07/10/2023 10:05

My exH slept through me having eight hours of life-saving surgery. I’d been taken away in ambulance blues and twos so it’s not like he didn’t know it was something serious. I only once asked him to take any time off (not an issue, he was management and set all the hours) for illness - I had multiple very young children and dreadful food poisoning so wasn’t safe being the only one in the house with them. He refused.

My long term DP just went out in pouring rain just to get me runny honey for my sore throat, he’s done my washing up for me and brought in coal/put my fire on. He doesn’t even live with me, but he loves me.

The booing is not a joke, the disrespect is not a joke, or the huffing…he shows you how little he thinks of you. You don’t have to put up with so little.

wildwestpioneer · 07/10/2023 10:05

He sounds awful !

My dh will usher me off to bed, bring me a flask with tea in it and pop in now and again to see if I want anything. He'll take over sole responsibility for the house/dc until I feel well enough.

Mmhmmn · 07/10/2023 10:06

Has he always lacked empathy?

Cosmic657 · 07/10/2023 10:12

I’ve got covid and OH has done bits with the kids but made it clear he won’t/ can’t do everything so I’ve had to sort them this morning with breakfast and sort their swimming stuff. I was in bed yesterday and he didn’t bring me any drinks yesterday, it was literally fend for myself.
He said this morning, do you think you’re worse because you did a test and know you have covid!

luckysonofagun · 07/10/2023 10:13

When we were younger (20's) my dh really struggled when I was ill as he would have to have more responsibilities Ie taking kids to school or taking time off last minute to look after kids, juggling work/home (I work part time so have more flexibility) he would resent the added pressure and as the bread winner he would worry about letting down work. He's so much better now, I have a awful cold, he's done school runs, walked dog , kept on top of house jobs and wfm and he's at the back end of this cold himself.

Janieforever · 07/10/2023 10:16

As much as getting you up for work I think is fine, I also understand the reticence to sack off football, as long as he ultimately does it. But the booing you is beyond fucking weird.

Loubelle70 · 07/10/2023 10:17

Cosmic657 · 07/10/2023 10:12

I’ve got covid and OH has done bits with the kids but made it clear he won’t/ can’t do everything so I’ve had to sort them this morning with breakfast and sort their swimming stuff. I was in bed yesterday and he didn’t bring me any drinks yesterday, it was literally fend for myself.
He said this morning, do you think you’re worse because you did a test and know you have covid!

😡😡😡😡 i cannot even!!!
What a tw*t.
When he gets ill...tell him it could be psychosomatic and walk away to fend for himself

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/10/2023 10:22

Threads like this always make me suspect I'm a cold hearted bitch.

If I were working in the morning and then had plans for the afternoon, and my husband (who would be at home all day with his cough anyway) wanted me to come home from work and cancel my after work plans so he could take a nap, I would not be filled with empathy and the will to nurture him.

The booking is weird if as described.

Whysolon · 07/10/2023 10:27

I have not long had major surgery. It’s been a month now and I am still struggling and still in pain.
My husband has been true to his marriage vows and has been amazing in looking after me and loving me whilst I have been so poorly.

verdantverdure · 07/10/2023 10:31

I think there's no clearer way for a man to let you know that you are primarily a housekeeper, childcare, and a second income to him than to behave like this if you fail at any of these tasks at any time.

Teaandbiscuits60 · 07/10/2023 10:32

Well he was pretty inattentive but then I had 2 strokes. He came every day driving an hour there to see me and an hour home. Every day. He bought me pyjamas in did my washing was very attentive. When the nurses saw him clipping my nails for me h my goodness everyone knew he was one in a million. I have progressed loads because I want to be the best I can be and I could not love him more.

WellDuh · 07/10/2023 10:35

My DP will tuck me up on the sofa with a blanket and bring me tablets/food/drink as and when needed, without being asked. If I asked it's no bother at all. When I was really ill last year he dropped what he was doing to come and get me from work, got me into a bath, then out again.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/10/2023 10:36

First thing he does is go to Tesco and stock up on ready meals /quick foods if I'm not up to cooking( he's hopeless at cooking from scratch but can feed everyone!) He gets Covent Garden chicken soup as that's all I ever want when I'm ill and he makes me tea/ Lemsip on the hour every hour 🤣