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Original poster

How does your dp/dh treat you when you’re poorly?

149 replies

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 07:51

Just that really.

I’ve got a horrible cold. Yesterday I had a day off and came down stairs at 7.20. About 20 mins later than usual. He had started kids breakfasts but nothing else and I then took over. As I was coming down the stairs he started booing me presumably because he had had to do that small task. He said it was a joke but it didn’t feel like one.

this morning is worse, my voice is gone and my throat hurts badly. He has work this morning then football this afternoon. He sent dd to wake me for him leaving for work presumably so he didn’t have to ‘see’ how bad I was despite coughing all night. I went downstairs and he was so cold and almost pissed off when he saw / heard me. I’ve had very little sleep and asked him to sack football off so I can go to bed. Was greeted with huffs and puffs of oh I knew this was coming.

i feel like an inconvenience. I’m not expecting much, just a sense that I’m cared for. I really don’t feel that.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 07/10/2023 10:43

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/10/2023 10:36

First thing he does is go to Tesco and stock up on ready meals /quick foods if I'm not up to cooking( he's hopeless at cooking from scratch but can feed everyone!) He gets Covent Garden chicken soup as that's all I ever want when I'm ill and he makes me tea/ Lemsip on the hour every hour 🤣

Hope not lemsip every hour haha...Hes drugging you up @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor 🤣

Ragruggers · 07/10/2023 10:50

I am so sorry you are so unwell.Beingtreated like that should be a wake up call ,decide what you want your life to be like in the future.He is a manchildand nasty with it.I am sure he doesn’t normally pull his weight does he ?He. Is really showing you who he is.Get better then spell out to him what you think about his treatment of you then make decisions re staying with him.Good luck and get well soon.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 07/10/2023 10:52

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/10/2023 10:36

First thing he does is go to Tesco and stock up on ready meals /quick foods if I'm not up to cooking( he's hopeless at cooking from scratch but can feed everyone!) He gets Covent Garden chicken soup as that's all I ever want when I'm ill and he makes me tea/ Lemsip on the hour every hour 🤣

Seriously hope he’s not giving you Lemsip every hour 😂

Endoftheroad12345 · 07/10/2023 10:55

My ex H was like this.

Would get really annoyed with me when I was sick. I vomited every morning in two pregnancies and he told me he was “so bored of hearing that every day”.

Once on a trip to Tuscany I got terrible food poisoning and he forced me to accompany him on day trips to hilltop villages in 40 degree heat despite diarrhoea and dehydration as he couldn’t possibly care for 16 month old DS by himself. Then got shitty because I was so lacking in energy I just sat miserably on a park bench.

When I complained of being exhausted with a newborn Bfon on demand I got an indignant “I’m tired too!” (no he was not getting up at the same time). Backpacking around south east Asia I burnt my leg on a motorbike exhaust and he got annoyed that I was limping and would walk off leaving me behind.

If I ever (rarely) went out with friends I would start getting hectoring texts if I was out too late (by which I mean maybe 11, not 4am) warning me that I better not come home late or be hungover the next day as I would be required to get up to children. He would never ever give me a lie in if I’d had a night out with friends.

There were so many red flags I should’ve strung out bunting 😵‍💫

Now DP could not be more different. We were away together last week and I got sick - cups of tea, tucked up in bed, foot massages, trays in bed. It was actual bliss. He was worried about me being sick and wanted to look after me - not just worried about his malfunctioning wife appliance and the workload it might create for him (which is how it would have been for ex H).

donkra · 07/10/2023 10:58

I had a very high fever for a week earlier this year. On top of bringing me medication, water, and snacks and looking after the kids, DH realised after a couple of days that the sheets would be unpleasantly sweaty, so he ran me a bath and suggested I sit in it for a while so he could put fresh sheets on the bed. I think I fell in love with him again that day.

Not everybody wants to be fussed over when they're sick, but the bare minimum should be help with any immediate needs (water, medication) and pulling their weight with kids.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/10/2023 10:58

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 07/10/2023 10:52

Seriously hope he’s not giving you Lemsip every hour 😂

Show quote history

Nope just tea 🤣

Original poster
Mitmat · 07/10/2023 11:02

I couldn't even imagine dh running me a bath or changing the sheets. I think the bar is so low for me atm it's through the floor.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 07/10/2023 11:11

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 11:02

I couldn't even imagine dh running me a bath or changing the sheets. I think the bar is so low for me atm it's through the floor.

I'm so sorry. I really do hope you feel better soon and have time to reassess your relationship. I'm not sure I could ever have sec again with a man who thought so little if me and my welfare Flowers

GCSister · 07/10/2023 11:13

Both me and DH are really ill at the moment so we're having to tag team so that DS gets looked after/fed/taken to activities.

I had a really bad night so DH got up this morning to take DS to football even though I know he feels just as ill.

Peacendkindness · 07/10/2023 11:18

Recovering from my c section and unable to walk down the stairs my then husband - said he would get me some toast and a cup of tea - it was a huge house and that was at 8 am at midnight he was laughing and entertaining his parents downstairs and was horrified when the midwife turned up at 1pm and went straight upstairs to me and I had tears rolling down my checks - she made me a cup of tea and he started gas lighting me by saying ‘oh just let me get her some toast she’s been asleep all morning’ I shook my head and explained that 7 am I had asked for toast and tea / she gently leaned over and said ‘this isn’t right you know that he’s not a nice man’ and then he was making a big show of making me lunch. It was a decade or so ago now - but he showed me his true colours then. We divorced before my son was one.

Peacendkindness · 07/10/2023 11:19

Your story is similar I meant to say - he’s not a nice person is he?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 07/10/2023 11:20

So sorry you went through that Peace. What an utter shit your ex is.

TenderChicken · 07/10/2023 11:25

That's really shitty behaviour OP, I can't believe he was booing, wtaf.

IDriveMySupernova · 07/10/2023 11:26

I didn’t realise this was an established thing.

One of my exes seemed to take it personally when I was ill. He was annoyed I wasn’t paying him attention and just wanted to sleep. I remember having Covid jab #1 and feeling horrendous, lying in bed shivering and sweating and feeling like my head was going to explode. He came in, put the light on and huffed at me. He then got into bed himself even though he wasn’t ill and it wasn’t bedtime (?) and started berating me for not showing him any affection that evening. He then rolled over and proceeded to give me the silent treatment. It was awful because I needed to be in bed and he’d invaded it. There was nowhere else for me to go.

Another time, I was recovering from surgery. I’d woken up in the night and found my dressing saturated with blood, and had been advised to change it if this happened. I quietly got up and went to the bathroom to start changing it. He followed me in and angrily started shouting at me, ‘What are you doing?!’ ‘Come back to bed!!’ ‘Why are you doing that!!’

It makes me shudder now. I’m really sorry @Mitmat, you deserve so much better than this. Can you imagine treating someone else this way? I can’t.

Slothlikemum · 07/10/2023 11:26

bobisbored · 07/10/2023 08:54

I am also full of cold. My DH has done all the washing, food shop, cooked me dinner, and breakfast in bed this morning, sorted the kids and offered to do the kids activities running about today. You deserve better.

This is how I was treated when unwell last weekend. Packed off to bed when I was flagging in the afternoon. He did the kids activity runs (we usually split them). Healthy food brought to me when needed, and he slept on sofa bed so he wouldn't get I'll and I could get a good night's sleep on my own.
Exactly the same as I would (and have) treat him when ill because we're a team and we care about each other.

Anything less is just not acceptable.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 07/10/2023 11:27

Skyclimber · 07/10/2023 09:03

Ah you are a household appliance and you have broken down causing an inconvenience.

How my Dh treats me? Exactly how you would treat a poorly child, with kindness, and love and not as an inconvenience. He would tuck me in bed, tell me he is doing it all and he would, with love. Bring me tea/water/meds, check on me. Because when you love and care for someone that is how it should be. And this is good because over 20 years I was diagnosed with a medical condition which has seen me very poorly over the years. We have been together for nearly 30 years.

When we had first moved in together I was in the bath on my period feeling like death and without asking he put a portable TV on a chair on the landing so I could watch a TV show to distract myself. I knew right then and there this man was just completely lovely.

Our sons will check if we need drinks if we are outside gardening, they are 20 and 17! Or if we are doing DIY come and ask us what we want for lunch. They have been taught to care and think about others.

Yes, he really did show how lovely he was 😍

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 07/10/2023 11:34

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 11:02

I couldn't even imagine dh running me a bath or changing the sheets. I think the bar is so low for me atm it's through the floor.

😢😢

I had to wake my husband up at 11pm last night as I woke up absolutely covered in melted chocolate….as were my pyjamas, my bed sheets, my quilt cover and my pillow cases (long story).

I’ve never seen such a mess but I was physically unable to strip the bed or clean myself up, so he did both, gave me a wipe down and then put all fresh bedding on the bed for me without a single complaint.

It is totally normally to want to care for and look after people you love when they are unwell. Surely that’s the minimal requirement of a relationship……to actually care about your partner and want to help them when they need it.

jannier · 07/10/2023 11:34

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 08:14

Yeah literally booing me. Arms outstretched, giving the thumbs down and loud boos.
He hasn't once asked how I am. He ran to the shop and bought some flu tablets but I honestly think that was to try and safeguard his football not to help me.
Its definitely another nail in the relationship.

I'd have gone straight back to bed....why did you come down if he was there you should have left him to get the kids sorted and to school. What an arse.

jannier · 07/10/2023 11:35

Snowwhite83 · 07/10/2023 09:19

My husband is strange grumpy and says mean comments when I'm ill. However he put the kids to bed last two nights and taken kids out today which means I can rest. But I'll still be expected to do some house chores. I feel both annoyed and grateful!

Then don't do them if you're not well enough. Would he?

Skyclimber · 07/10/2023 11:36

@Appleofmyeye2023 this is why I raised my sons to be thoughtful and kind. My Mum used to work a twilight shift so it was my Dad who bathed us and put us to bed. My Dad was the cook in our house and bought us tampons when we needed them in the 80s when lots of dads would have been embarrassed and refused. He was kind and thoughtful.

This thread, like the many that have gone on before, shows how awful some men can be. Hopefully there will be conversations and amendment of behaviour.

jannier · 07/10/2023 11:38

Why do so many women accept this shit? Does it only start once you have kids?

Skyclimber · 07/10/2023 11:38

And if you are ill, down tools, you know they would. Stop being a martyr. It sort of undermines you saying you are ill to then be physically punishing yourself by doing stuff. Rest up and depending on how old your kids are ask them to bring you a drink, get them thinking about other people's needs.

coolkatt · 07/10/2023 11:39

i have chronic back pain, so my hubby is used to my
moans etc and just gets on with it, but if i'm having a bad flair up he is really good, does the housework, washing, will
cook teas etc. he tries hard. he tells the kids to let me rest and keep
noise down etc. he's a kind soul.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 07/10/2023 11:41

jannier · 07/10/2023 11:35

Then don't do them if you're not well enough. Would he?

Show quote history

Absolutely - I would be livid if my DH expected me to do household chores when I was ill as some kind of compensation for him looking after his own children.

My husband took our sons out for a little while this morning and I did drag myself out of bed to go and do some washing up but unfortunately he came home and found me, told me off for being out of bed, ordered me back to the bedroom (all done light-heartedly of course) and then bought me a cup of tea.

He’s taking our boys out again this afternoon and he’s made me promise that I won’t get out of bed and that I won’t do anything around the house.

I wasn’t going to argue with that…. 😂

smilesup · 07/10/2023 11:42

I'm so sorry you are married to a cunt. I hope he is better as an ex.