Page 6 | How does your dp/dh treat you when you’re poorly?

Mitmat · 2023-10-07T06:51:43+00:00

Just that really. I’ve got a horrible cold. Yesterday I had a day off and came down stairs at 7.20. About 20 mins later than usual. He had started kids breakfasts but nothing else and I then took over. As I was coming down the stairs he started booing me presumably because he had had to do that small task. He said it was a joke but it didn’t feel like one. this morning is worse, my voice is gone and my throat hurts badly. He has work this morning then football this afternoon. He sent dd to wake me for him leaving for work presumably so he didn’t have to ‘see’ how bad I was despite coughing all night. I went downstairs and he was so cold and almost pissed off when he saw / heard me. I’ve had very little sleep and asked him to sack football off so I can go to bed. Was greeted with huffs and puffs of oh I knew this was coming. i feel like an inconvenience. I’m not expecting much, just a sense that I’m cared for. I really don’t feel that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/10/2023 21:09

Mistressanne · 07/10/2023 12:49

I have blood cancer and get v.tired.
We've just had lunch, its 25c here, and dh has put a cushion on the sunbed so I can have a nap.
He's put the suncream and a hat next to the sunbed because I'm more susceptible to skin cancer.
He always takes care of me.
I'm so lucky.

That's exactly what you deserve

Endoftheroad12345 · 07/10/2023 21:09

@Mitmat OP mine is now my ex as of November 2022 but everything you’ve written resonates. I too was terrified of sharing care of the children. He talked up a big game initially about 50:50 to scare me (and it did scare me) but predictably does sweet fuck all. I was away last week and it’s school hols and our nanny did 80 hours including 4 overnights.

I came back after a 35 hour flight and tested positive for Covid on arrival and he left the kids in my care all week. I genuinely felt like I might die! He is an ex but he would have (and did) pull stunts like that when we were married. I would never do that to him even now because I’d be worried about the kids being looked after by someone in that state!

When he does have the kids, yes his care of them is shit - hair is never washed, he “doesn’t know how” to brush/tie back DD5’s long curly hair so she goes to school looking like a homeless child, he refuses to buy clothes to keep at their house so they live out of a suitcase and he sends the duty laundry back to me. Absolute c*nt. But still miles better than being married to him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/10/2023 21:10

ironorchids · 07/10/2023 18:37

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Given what he's teaching your children by acting this way in front of them, they're far better off with you leaving than staying. They need to know that this is unacceptable and has consequences. You role modelling for them that it won't be accepted is very positive for their future relationships.

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/10/2023 21:10

jenny38 · 07/10/2023 20:47

I feel your pain, I've got a similar one to yours. Never asks how I am when I'll, ignores it completely. I question our relationship at these points. He will do physical stuff like cook etc but dies not display any warmth or concern. It's hard.

Please get rid of him and find joy in your life again

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/10/2023 21:13

Endoftheroad12345 · 07/10/2023 21:09

@Mitmat OP mine is now my ex as of November 2022 but everything you’ve written resonates. I too was terrified of sharing care of the children. He talked up a big game initially about 50:50 to scare me (and it did scare me) but predictably does sweet fuck all. I was away last week and it’s school hols and our nanny did 80 hours including 4 overnights.

I came back after a 35 hour flight and tested positive for Covid on arrival and he left the kids in my care all week. I genuinely felt like I might die! He is an ex but he would have (and did) pull stunts like that when we were married. I would never do that to him even now because I’d be worried about the kids being looked after by someone in that state!

When he does have the kids, yes his care of them is shit - hair is never washed, he “doesn’t know how” to brush/tie back DD5’s long curly hair so she goes to school looking like a homeless child, he refuses to buy clothes to keep at their house so they live out of a suitcase and he sends the duty laundry back to me. Absolute c*nt. But still miles better than being married to him.

What a horrible man. I'm so glad you're rid of him. I bet you are a million times happier now he's out of your home

StarDolphins · 07/10/2023 21:16

When I was Ill in bed once (literally the only time) my ex shouted up that I will have to come down in half an hour as he needed to leave for the gym😩

Another time, I was up in the night having a miscarriage (which he knew about) he just slept soundly all night & left me to it!

The first one bothered me more because I felt so ill.

Sophia89 · 07/10/2023 21:20

Utterly heart breaking reading some of the posts.
Sending you well wishes OP 💐

didistutter56 · 07/10/2023 21:26

I’m currently unwell and DP is doing everything. All the cooking, all the cleaning, everything for the animals. I have DD that we don’t share and he’s doing everything for her also.

Ive also experienced partners like yours and I’m sorry you’re going through that. If you’re staying with him, please at least make sure you treat him with the disdain next time he’s not well.

didistutter56 · 07/10/2023 21:32

Endoftheroad12345 · 07/10/2023 21:09

@Mitmat OP mine is now my ex as of November 2022 but everything you’ve written resonates. I too was terrified of sharing care of the children. He talked up a big game initially about 50:50 to scare me (and it did scare me) but predictably does sweet fuck all. I was away last week and it’s school hols and our nanny did 80 hours including 4 overnights.

I came back after a 35 hour flight and tested positive for Covid on arrival and he left the kids in my care all week. I genuinely felt like I might die! He is an ex but he would have (and did) pull stunts like that when we were married. I would never do that to him even now because I’d be worried about the kids being looked after by someone in that state!

When he does have the kids, yes his care of them is shit - hair is never washed, he “doesn’t know how” to brush/tie back DD5’s long curly hair so she goes to school looking like a homeless child, he refuses to buy clothes to keep at their house so they live out of a suitcase and he sends the duty laundry back to me. Absolute c*nt. But still miles better than being married to him.

Do we share the same ex?! We’ve been separated years now but when I had Covid he refused to have DD, despite her testing negative throughout and never contracting it from me. Funnily enough when he got covid a few months later, I did all the childcare also.

He also never brushes DD hair or gets her looking presentable, a couple of weeks ago she came back from staying two nights at his with her teeth looking awful. I messaged him saying “do you want all her teeth to rot and have to be pulled out?” he tried to say I should REMIND him to tell her to brush her teeth.

Whilst I was labouring and being sick for hours overnight when DD was being born, he slept soundly through the entire thing.

The absolute state of these men.

Tarquina · 07/10/2023 21:48

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 07/10/2023 09:06

I’m currently in bed, very very unwell. I don’t know what lurgy I have but it’s knocked me for six. I’m alternating between constantly shivering to then being a sweaty mess. All my bones and muscles ache, extreme tiredness and horrible headache and sore throat.

My husband has been fab….he went into work late yesterday morning so he could take the kids to school, and then he left work early so he could pick them up too.

He came home with boxes of paracetamol and ibuprofen and some of my favourite chocolates. Not that I’ve been able to eat them as my throat is sore and I can barely swallow unless it’s a yogurt.

He also went scrabbling around in the loft for me last night to try and find some extra
blankets for the bed because I was so so cold. He’s regularly on “hot water bottle” duty too.

Yesterday and today he was popping up every 20-30 minutes to check I’m okay and ask if I want anything.

He’s now taking the children out for the day to allow me to have some quiet and rest.

Defibitely no booing or attitude over here.

Your partner sounds awful and I can’t fathom how a decent guy would treat his partner so badly when she’s feeling so ill. I imagine it says a lot about his character.

I had the same symptoms as you a few weeks ago and it turned out to be covid.

Lostcotter · 07/10/2023 21:55

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 11:02

I couldn't even imagine dh running me a bath or changing the sheets. I think the bar is so low for me atm it's through the floor.

That’s awful. The guy I’m seeing now who lives 20 miles away has offered many times to pick anything up from Tesco for me or come round and make soup etc as I was ill for a few weeks recently. I don’t like being around people when I’m sick but it’s nice he offered. Shocking that your husband of all people can’t even run you a nice bath or at the very least - refrain from booing you 🤦

I lived with a (former) friend like this, she got really mood and spiteful when I became ill 🤒 and she’s a doctor. I came down with a viral infection that actually turned out to be pneumonia. It began the day after I’d cleaned the whole flat after she’d had a birthday get together and left the flat in a state while she went off to socialise the next day. It was almost like she was angry that I was no longer able to clean up after her and her friends. Needless to say we’re no longer friends.

The household appliance analogy really is spot on!

Sometimeswinning · 07/10/2023 22:00

Dp has covered everything the last few days. He’s not made for it but he’s doing it because he doesn’t want to disturb (probably so I’ll get better quicker) He even offered to cancel a night out. You deserve better!

Sometimeswinning · 07/10/2023 22:02

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 07/10/2023 09:06

I’m currently in bed, very very unwell. I don’t know what lurgy I have but it’s knocked me for six. I’m alternating between constantly shivering to then being a sweaty mess. All my bones and muscles ache, extreme tiredness and horrible headache and sore throat.

My husband has been fab….he went into work late yesterday morning so he could take the kids to school, and then he left work early so he could pick them up too.

He came home with boxes of paracetamol and ibuprofen and some of my favourite chocolates. Not that I’ve been able to eat them as my throat is sore and I can barely swallow unless it’s a yogurt.

He also went scrabbling around in the loft for me last night to try and find some extra
blankets for the bed because I was so so cold. He’s regularly on “hot water bottle” duty too.

Yesterday and today he was popping up every 20-30 minutes to check I’m okay and ask if I want anything.

He’s now taking the children out for the day to allow me to have some quiet and rest.

Defibitely no booing or attitude over here.

Your partner sounds awful and I can’t fathom how a decent guy would treat his partner so badly when she’s feeling so ill. I imagine it says a lot about his character.

Sounds like strep throat. Get yourself some penicillin it’s the only way to get rid of it. Feel better!

AnneElliott · 07/10/2023 22:21

Mines crap as he very self centered. I remember him having a big and staying in bed for days, but once he was better and I'd caught it I was still getting up and taking DS to school.

It's one of the reasons I only have I DC. I we're to be sure I could always do 100% (plus work) which meant more kids was out of the question.

No advice really - other than make sure you don't pander to him next time he's I'll.

PunjabiGirl · 07/10/2023 22:27

Me and my husband both look after each other well when sick. He'll stay with me if I need it and bring food. I do the same for him, I'm always there if he needs anything

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/11/2023 15:18

jollyhollyday · 07/10/2023 08:44

I heard on a podcast recently that a true test of a man and if he's a narcissist is how they treat you when you are ill.

I only finally twigged that this man was a narcissist after he’d died, when other things came to light (his widow was devastated) and a lot of his former behaviour suddenly made sense - until then I’d just put him down as very selfish and mean with money.
He’d always quite clearly been pissed off and resentful if and when his wife was ill. He had to be the one getting all the attention and the sympathy.

Coffeeandchristmascake · 15/11/2023 16:43

He lets me rest and takes over everything. Sometimes I get a cup of tea. He isn't in nurse mode but he does make sure the kids are sorted and I don't need to worry about doing anything.

Geppili · 16/11/2023 04:24

Closet sadist.

AbondonedThemePark · 16/11/2023 08:58

My ex husband used to get really angry when I was ill. One year I had influenza and couldn't attend an event with him. He stomped round the bedroom moaning and huffing as I lay in bed with a raging temperature, covered in wet flannels and in massive bone pain all over. It was as if I'd been ill deliberately to annoy him!

OrlandointheWilderness · 16/11/2023 09:04

I was ill recently, properly properly. My DP (who works really hard) took over everything at home, housework, children, food, dogs, shopping etc. He made sure I had tablets and fluid and provided exceptionally good cuddles when I was awake struggling. One night he was working 4 hours away and meant to stay but drive home to look after us all before getting up at 4am to drive back the next morning, just because he didn't want me to feel alone when I was so ill.

AbondonedThemePark · 16/11/2023 09:05

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 11:50

Its nice to know there are some lovely husbands in the world too. My dad is one, I just hope I raise ds to be more thoughtful than his father

But, OP, your son is being raised in a house where this behaviour is the norm, and you accept it. So he's learning every day from both his father and you that this is a completely acceptable way for a man, a husband, a father, to behave.

jannier · 16/11/2023 13:50

AbondonedThemePark · 16/11/2023 09:05

But, OP, your son is being raised in a house where this behaviour is the norm, and you accept it. So he's learning every day from both his father and you that this is a completely acceptable way for a man, a husband, a father, to behave.

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gannett · 16/11/2023 14:22

I knew DP was a keeper when I was ill before we moved in together. Nothing serious, just the kind of cold/fever that leaves you bedridden for a few days. He travelled across London to my then-houseshare, brought a stock of medicine and made a massive vat of spicy chicken and veg stew to last the week.

I don't require much nursing - when I'm ill I mostly want to take to my bed and be left alone - but he'll make me nourishing food, bring me hot drinks, go on medicine runs, all that's required. And obviously I do the same for him - I don't have any time for the very common MN trope of whinging about husbands daring to wear dressing gowns and feeling sorry for themselves when poorly.

billy1966 · 16/11/2023 14:37

It's so sad that so many women don't realise that how a man treats you when you are ill, goes to the very core of how he really thinks about you.

My darling grandmother told me that 40 years ago and she wasn't wrong.

Unfortunately too many women, because of low self esteem and poor boundaries, focus on finding ways to excuse their poor treatment.

Rather than admitting the truth......he treats me like shit when I'm ill, because he doesn't give a damn about me.🤷🏻‍♀️

It would save women so much heartache if they would admit the truth to themselves.