Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

[Glammo32]

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

Other than the possible financial strain this could turn out to be a positive thing for the OP. No boring husband stopping her enjoying herself, no more feeling like a single mother and many more nights of going out while he has the child.

I still think it’s likely that he has gone this to try to get her to pay him more attention, and wants to come back, and if so she now gets to choose what she wants.

A few more evenings spent en famille or a few more years of prioritizing her social life.

It's pointless giving people opportunities to improve though, been there a hundred times and it's not worth it. If OP wanted to spend time with him she would, if he asks her to or if she changes now he'll know full well she's there out of feeling an obligation to save the relationship not because she wants to be there spending time with him, it still hurts. Never again will I beg for someones attentiveness and time, their actions will tell me everything I need to know and I certainly wouldn't be giving them chance to change. If someone wants to spend time with me then they will, if they don't then I'll know exactly where I stand.

I think you both need to talk again and decide if your marriage is salvageable or not . I have to say you both need together time , it seems like you are never together .

My partner works shifts too and I get the urge to go out of an evening when he's actually in. He's tired and wants to stare at the TV but I want to go out and do something.

I suppose the balance was missing in your relationship. I think probably, if you're honest with yourself, you aren't that into him. He sounds comfortable.

But it works for you because BOTH you and your dh are happy with the situation. That’s the point here, her dh isn’t. And that doesn’t make him the bad guy are at fault for having his own opinion. Both have equally valid points, and it’s unfair to think that OP, who admits to not being present in the marriage, should not compromise on some things so that they’re both happy. Sounds like her dh may have tried multiple times to tell her how he feels, but is being ignored.

@MsLavender, I have to agree. I didn't want to say anything and upset the OP even more, but the bottom line is that he has realized she is just not interested.

It is so depressing and humiliating to have to beg for someone's attention. Like I said in another post, there are people who are very busy but are obviously also interested in their families. I think we all know at a gut level whether or not someone is genuinely interested and doing their best.

When people say they'll change, they might want to. But we know if they're not really into it.

He’s right. You need to accept it and move on.

You’ll get little sympathy on here Op - a lot of mumsnetters think you should kiss goodbye to
a life of your own when you get married and have children - things like going to the gym and going out with mates go
out the window in their world and to them you’re selfish and immature for even considering doing those things!!

Well, I wonder.

A lot of couples don't see much of each other during the week, but what about weekends, do you do things together as a family then? Presumably he gets plenty of time to do what he wants during the day, so it seems a bit selfish to me to begrudge you having a couple of hours to yourself in the evenings.

It sounds to me like deep down you agree that he is correct in his assertions as to your priorities.

When do you get a social life? When your child is grown up, that is when. You sound very selfish and the sort of person that should not have had children.

@Glammo32 sorry but I agree with him. It sounds like you have taken him for granted for a long time and he’s had enough. Sounds like any time he’s home you have used that chance to go and do different things that don’t involve him. Yes you should still have a social life but surely there needs to be a balance. Why haven’t you sometimes just stayed home and wanted to spend time with him? You do sound more bothered about having a social life rather than investing in your family life so I completely understand where he’s coming from.

I'm always bemused when certain Mumsnetters are falling over themselves to blame the man, completely regardless of the circumstances. It's so tediously predictable, brought on by a bitter agenda. "All men are the same, all men are cheating bastards!" 😴

Do you actually want to be with him and make this work? It sounds like he is mostly really hurt and disappointed that you don’t want to spend time with him.

The sort of person who shouldn't have had kids?! Because she wants to go out for drinks with friends on a Friday night and to the gym for a few hours a week? Are you for fucking real.

No social life until the kids have flown the nest? No thanks.

@TheBabylonian

It sounds to me like deep down you agree that he is correct in his assertions as to your priorities.

When do you get a social life? When your child is grown up, that is when. You sound very selfish and the sort of person that should not have had children.”

and you sound very much like a martyr!
are you genuinely saying that you can’t have a social life for years and years until your child is an adult?! How unnecessary and miserable

Spot on.

So rather than arrange a babysitter and go out with your DH sometimes, you always arrange to be out on your own at the gym or out with your friends.
You're avoiding your DH. You call him boring. It almost reads like a reverse.
To quote the teens (that he says you're like and that you do post like) 'you are not a serious person'.

This is complete nonscene. People don't have to put up with having no social life for 18 years because they have children.

I'd be pissed off if my husband was immediately out the door to the gym or pub every night ad soon as I got home. Don't blame him.

I do feel people are being a bit harsh - she only mentioned going out when he is around because he usually is out on shift and not there and then the odd Friday night. I am pretty sure if roles were reversed there would be a bit less outrage.
I suspect that the problem here is there has not been much communication or opportunities to realise that serious change is needed. You haven't been connecting enough to make the small shifts that were needed and now there's a huge change. It would have meant sitting down together and chatting through how you can make some changes that work for you both...would he be willing to do that now do you think and both of you make some concrete adjustments so needs are met as a couple as well as individuals...or is it really too late?

I agree it sounds like he's right!

You need to find a balance. If he's home 4 nights a week, using 3 to go to the gym and a 4th to socialise is 100% of your quality time together, you're using him as a babysitter - and housekeeper when you admit you don't do your share. If you want this marriage to work you need to compromise. He wants to spend time with his wife - not unreasonable. Nor is it unreasonable you want to go to gym and see friends.

How often do you go see friends? Every friday? Why not every other? Could you go to gym at a different time of day some days? Pull your equal weight with house stuff?

Imagine if a man had written any of this about his wife and then somehow thought he should be pitied.

A lot of the responses seem more geared toward the AIBU thread. But this is relationships, isn't it?

Firstly it sounds like you've had an awful shock. You obviously haven't realised quite how unhappy he has become.

Secondly you say he's gone. But it sounds like he's gone to his parents for a night. Are you sure he's breaking up the relationship? It might be it's built and built to this point until he's finally said it all. But it's not clear yet that he wants to totally break up. Perhaps you need to give him a little space and also allow yourself to process what has happened.

The usual suggestions, if it isn't too late for this, might be relationship counselling or some sort of mediation to try and start to communicate better with each other about your wants and needs. This seems to have come out of the blue for you, so perhaps a process where the pair of you are enabled to communicate better about how things are and look to see if it is possible or not for you two to work together towards what you both want. Or whether your wants are too different. It doesn't sound impossible to come up with a more workable balance where you do more together. But it's unclear to me if maybe he's now a bit more "boring" perhaps because of tiredness or maybe pressure? If you aren't in when he's home, is there any opportunity for him to confide in you if things are not going too well with his job or about how he's feeling? Are you able to talk to him about how things are for you, OP? You sound so surprised by this it sounds like the two of you have been not communicating very well for a while.

You don't say if you work or not and you also say he does shift work. Does he like his job and does he feel under more pressure right now in the current economic climate, for example? Mortgages etc. Is there things maybe he hasn't felt he could express to you? Are you working together as a team?

Sometimes writing things down can help process things a bit. Or even writing to him whether or not you decide to send it, can help formulate things and put things into words.

I don't think this is appropriate for an AIBU response. Neither of you sound horrible, but you do sound not very happy for whatever reason. Maybe the key is to now find out whether that's something you can both or both want to try and work on together or not.

I’m sorry @Glammo32 but when Dh worked shifts, he started on nights and worked from 10pm to 6am Sunday to Friday we’d have literally a Saturday together and a bit of a Sunday which was always classed as ‘family morning’ before he’d go to bed to sleep for work. I’d always plan to do something with him & our children - I missed him. It was hard as we never really got to spend time together. Then when he’d work either an early shift 6am to 2pm or a late 2pm to 10pm (with overtime called often) I’d always try and find an evening or weekend where we could spend time together either as a family or a date night.

I can completely see your DH’s point and view and can see why he’s left.