Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

[Glammo32]

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

You’ve got a family and kids. Surely your ‘social’ life takes a little bit if a backseat?!?

I mean I’d love to be out at the gym. But I have children…. Not only that I home educate so I don’t get a break. It will be this way till they don’t need me as much.

I don’t think there is much you can do, aside from tell him (if you actually mean it) that you’re going to step up and be an equal partner and invest time and energy in to the relationship. Unfortunately it may be too late for him. If that’s the case you’re going to have sit with your feelings, process them and figure out how you’re going to adapt to being a single parent.

No, that isnt 'like being a single parent'
It is like being a parent in the modern economic climate where both people have to work!
It being like a single parent would be you having to work, and do childcare and fitting your social activities around when he has the child. Which sounds like what you want. Time to work, time to socialise and time with DD. Just no time with DH. Co-parenting will give you that

Whatever has happened OP. You either beg him back, or decide the relationship is over. There’s always a chance at a fresh start, whether it’s together, or apart. Good luck.

He's probably fucked off because he has another woman not because the OP goes out every Friday night.
I go out at least one night a week and have a fantastic marriage. I plan on spending the next 60 years with my husband I don't need to spend every evening with him!
I don't go out as regularly as I did before children as that would have been 5 nights a week but I do go out once or twice a week.

Are you serious? I really hope you are not!

I sort of understand what the OP is saying. When your DH works shifts the ONLY time you have to see friends is the nights they're off work. I have to decline 99 per cent of invitations as I'm home alone with kids 4/5 nights most weeks.
Sometimes I worry that I'm also not prioritising time with my DH but if I did that on his off nights I would literally have zero friendships. It's a v v tough balance.

OP, has your DH ever discussed this with you before? Have you made any effort to balance the domestic workload, spend more time just the two of you etc?

@Universalsnail, I'm usually at the front of the line when it comes to advocating for spending time on hobbies, friends, and exercise. It sounds like your situation works for you and that's great.

The OP is clear that it doesn't work for her husband. They can go weeks without seeing much of each other and he seems to shoulder most of the drudge-work at home.

I don't know how old your kids are but it sounds like you have more time in general, so maybe they're older (the OP's kid is four). It's just a reality that most parents of young children are run ragged. The OP's husband doesn't seem to feel like he has much fun and the OP doesn't seem to care. I say this as someone who goes to the gym nearly every day and has several hobbies!

I don't know if it's useful to argue about the details of the other person's schedule. It's easy enough to tell if someone's heart isn't in a relationship anymore. Parents can be run ragged but if the other person has good-will and is making an effort, that can make all the difference.

sounds like you dont really know him very well or even like him that much, so maybe its for the best

So you husband only has very rare nights off which are your only time to do anything?

He doesn’t have regular days off every week? You don’t have anyone who can babysit?

Or are you saying he does have 1-2 rest days a week and you go out on everyone? That’s can’t be declining 99% of invitations.

Only on MN could some deflect the woman being a poor wife onto the man. 😅

If you’re like the OP then fair enough, you do you - but the husband was absolutely right to leave, and I would have done too in the same circumstances.

@Glammo32

"... we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell."

Ok, so first off you can toss out his 'he knows what you want'. He doesn't. You appear to be pretty satisfied with 'the way things are'. And that's fine. For you. But it's not fine for him.

I'm not going to judge either of you and whether or not one or the other of you is 'holding up your end' of the marital 'bargain'. It is what it is. The question is "What do we do now?".

The bottom line is that he is NOT happy and has chosen to leave. He has a right to end a relationship that isn't working for him. It's a shame there's a child involved, but so be it. The two of you will need to figure out how to coparent cooperatively.

Can your marriage be 'fixed'? Who's to say? It sounds as if you'd have to give up living your life as you choose to live it and live your life as he wishes you to do, or some version/compromise of that. Are you willing to do that? Because it sounds to me as if he's tried to tell you he wasn't happy and now he is NOT willing to change the way he feels. Or perhaps he has no faith in your ability to change.

I do feel a bit sorry for you, mostly because of your naivety. Has having a child widened the gap? This isn't a marriage. You're a tag team. It certainly sounds like it's beyond repair. He doesn't believe the marriage is worth fighting for. If you're honest with yourself I don't think you do either.
You sound more shocked than hurt. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. Short term it'll be painful and inevitably they'll be financial losses, but you can both drop the pretence now.

Op you don’t sound suited to each other, try and see this as an opportunity for a fresh start.

hopefully he’ll have the dc regularly and you can do your hobbies etc on this days without him moaning about it. Happy days 🥳

I feel for him and totally understand why he packed his bags and left.

He comes home tired after sift-work, you head off to the gym or get all dressed up for a Friday night razz with your pals. In my opinion, this is downright selfish. You want the social life of a single person. Marriage is about sharing and communicating.

You have to look at yourself and the situation very carefully. I wonder if you work or if you're a 'stay at home' mother - sounds like you stay home all day. Not good.

Separation is probably the best option, or maybe going to a marriage guidance counsellor.

OP doesn’t seem to get that most married couples prioritise evenings with each other over gym time and time out with single friends.
Yes do all three - but get your priorities straight.
Why can’t OP exercise during the day when DP is working?

My youngest is 5, oldest is 10. Tbh we don't have much time then the average family we just, in combination with our hobbies and the children's hobbies make ourselves very time poor. As a family we are only really all free Tuesday evenings, Saturday evenings and Sundays - and sometimes one of us will do something with a friend on a Sunday, sometimes we won't. Or sometimes one of us will go out on a Saturday night with friends, sometimes we won't. I

I appreciate my situation isn't the norm, and also if they are not making time to spend with each other at all, then that is imo the problem not her going out. Our busy schedule works for us because we do make time for each other. We make sure we are intimate atleast twice a week and we make sure that that one night a week date night where we definitely hang out and spend together (usually sat night but if one of us has plans then we'll switch it up and do Sunday night).

Alot of the replies are making out that when you are married your socialising should be with the family and you should want to spend time with your partner more then anyone else. People are telling her to exercise in the park with a 4 year old then go to the gym.. but I disagree, she should be able to go to the gym and so should he, and they should both be able to see friends each week if they want to.

I think what I am getting at really with all these long winded paragraphs 😅 is that the fact she does so much stuff isn't the problem, it's that they are not committing to making sure they definitely carve out sometime for each other around it all and for that time, even if it's once a week or twice a week or once a week and cuppas in the day or whatever is a priority to them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with going to the gym or socialising with your mates if you're married/have kids. Marriage and parenting isn't about sacrifice. It should actually be enjoyable, at least some of the time! The problem is if you're not on the same page as your partner, and it doesn't sound like you are. Once you're living two separate lives in the same house, the relationship is basically doomed - this is why my marriage ended. I did see it coming but didn't seem to be able to stop it, as my husband didn't really want to do stuff with me, he actually preferred us living separate lives in the same house.

If you want to save the marriage, you're going to have to sit down with him and work out what you both actually want and need from each other, and make compromises. There are always compromises! Good luck, anyway.

I don't think most posters believe she should spend every evening with her husband, only that she shouldn't spend no evenings with him!
For a marriage to work, you have to build in quality time together. And it helps if you both have the same approach to socialising.

@Universalsnail, I think we're on the same page. You and your husband are both confident that you have good-will towards each other. Also, it does actually sound like you make it a priority to spend time with each other. You were able to write that you see each other three nights per week and also make sure to have intimacy.

I can go to the gym and have hobbies but it just isn't possible for everyone to do that without imposing on the spouse. There are all kinds of reasons. I think we're also on the same page with this because we're saying they shouldn't be focusing on details like the gym.

I think she should be waking up to the fact that the husband is fundamentally unhappy and feels like she's out having fun while he works. She should have worked out a schedule that considered him, as is the situation in your family.

I'm so sorry he left without giving you a chance to change things. Maybe see if he's open to some couples counselling?

I think you are about to have more time for your social life and an ex husband. When your daughter is with him you can do anything you like

You both need to communicate.
i see his point that when he’s home you leave. It would make most think similar I think sadly. I was going to ask if socialising was more important than your marriage however, it should not be one or another here.

If there is chance to reconcile then you both need to make changes.

He needs to adjust his patterns at work. You both need to find childcare so you can go out and have you time when he is working and also allow yourselves to be together when he is not

I just want to say I do agree with you and I LOVE your user name HongKongGarden

Not like being a single parent at all, but you will probably find that out now.