Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

[Glammo32]

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

Yep, I agree with this based on my own personal experience and seeing similar playing out in friends' relationships.

OP, it does sound like you want different things. He probably looks forward to spending time with you when not on shift and then you aren't there because you would rather be out.

If you think this is a knee jerk reaction then try and talk to him to find out exactly what he wants, then tell him what you want and see if you can meet somewhere in the middle. You think he is boring and he thinks you want to act like a teenager so is there a compromise anywhere in there?

That would involve babysitters so that you can still go out when he is on shift, and also so that you can go out together when he isn't.

Other PP are also right in that quite often when a man leaves suddenly it is because somebody else is on the scene and they will blame the woman they are leaving as the reason they are leaving, so who knows.

God forbid we should take what the OP has written as gospel, and she has in fact been neglectful.

Not many come in and paint themselves in such light and not follow up with massive drip feeds when a thread isn’t going their way.

Why is it so hard to believe that she does in fact find her husband boring, prefer to spend little to no time with him, leaves him to do th bulk of housework and ignored him telling her things needed to be adjusted?

Im guessing her surprise is that she didn’t expect him to call time, likely because he’s always been so accommodating. After all, she has written that she knew things were not going well. Why should he be there communicating until kingdom come?

OP, I think you are getting a hard time here.
I noticed that you said that sometimes go to the gym when DH is home after yDD is in bed, that made me wonder why you are waiting till she's in bed.. is it because H is not happy about you going while she's up .. is that he actually doesn't want to do bedtime routine, and isn't willing to take that on so that you could go to the gym, come home and then spend the evening together?
He sounds a bit full on, actually, why doesn't he want you to see friends ?( you said some Fridays) it doesn't sound like you were out gallivanting every night.
S
Tbh, gym a few times a week and occasional nights out with mates doesn't sound unreasonable, especially if you home alone a lot of the time.
That's why I suspect something else going on, eg OW who is desperate to see him whenever she can.
I have never come across a man who has left his own wife and child without at least having someone else lined up, if not a full blown affair. He sounds a bit of a prat really, he's dropped this bombshell and left, seemingly without trying to make any compromises. What's his plan for DD?

All.very relevant all this debate but the only fact that matters currently is that he has left you. You may just have to accept that for him, it’s over.

Hehe Mumsnet is funny! It's selfish to go out on your own once you have a partner and a child? I've heard it all now! Not even to see your friends for a drink or for an evening jog?

Maybe it’s best to not judge all men by those in your family.

Why are you saying he didn’t talk about it though? It sounds as though it’s been brought up before.

You could try being a bit more sociable with your own dh, for a start. Would you appreciate it if he were the one going out with friends, or to the gym, and leaving you at home alone again as often as you do that to him? I can see why his presence suited you - someone to do more of the stuff you find boring so you don’t have to do so much - and can also see why this arrangement didn’t suit him. You clearly count him as an integral part of the boring stuff you need regular breaks from. He wants someone who is happy to see him when he comes home for reasons other than relief that he can now take over responsibility for your child so that you can have fun elsewhere. You sound like you have been a bit of a shit to him, tbh, expecting him to hang around for your convenience when you don’t actually like spending time in his company.

I don’t get how op can say it’s like being a single parent. Whilst having someone else brining an income, doing most of the house stuff and provides op with tons of opportunities to have time on her own with her friends.

Nothing like being a single parent at all.

@Glammo32 if this is true then you do want different things. I think you just want things to remain the same because it suits you. It doesn’t suit him so it’s over.

Well, I think it's obviously you're right. They do both seem to be unfulfilled by the relationship. She has responded by going out, building a new life, and having fun. He has been at home shouldering the responsibilities and getting more and more resentful.

To me, it seems like the classic dynamic where there's a neglectful husband and a housewife stuck at home with the drudgery. It works for one person and that person doesn't need to think too hard about what's happening because why end it when it's comfortable?

I feel sorry for both of them though. If you fundamentally don't enjoy the other person's company but that person wants to spend time together, then things seem bleak. If there weren't a child involved, I'd be tempted to tell her to come to terms with it. But the kid doesn't deserve to end up like so many other kids of divorced parents. Dealing with poverty because there are two households to support, not being part of one parent's daily life. Having to put up with a succession of new partners. It's a sad situation.

He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

That says it all really , I'm surprised you're shocked , and never realised he was unhappy .

All these replies about only spending time with your husband and children once you are married. 😕

Tbh I disagree with the majority of posters here it seems. I go out all the time. So does my partner. We have separate friends and we both have hobbies we nurture several times a week. We make sure we have one night a week where we definitely spend time together and hang out, probably watch a movie. We find time to be intimate a couple of times each week and regularly have cuppas together where we stop what we are doing and hang out a little bit. Sometimes one will ask the other if they want to do something tonight that wasn't planned and then we'll have a spontaneous evening where we hang out after the classes we go to. Some weeks go by where we don't do that though and just have the one movie night a week.

I can not imagine being in a relationship where I was expected to just hang out with that person all the time and not do my hobby in the evening (or the gym in your case).

For a start how do you miss spending time with your partner if you spend all your evenings sitting around with them.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I think you should definitely make time for a date night each week.

If he is unhappy with that maybe you are just no longer compatible...but I wouldn't commit to staying in more.

Also why has he decided to leave it to the point he's packed a bag instead of talking to you before now?

sometimes his shifts mean's he's not home all afternoon or evening so its like being a single parent.

You're fucking joking aren't you?!

Single parents are just that - parenting solo. 24/7. 20 years+.

Honestly OP, you have the complete OPPOSITE of a single parent life!

Sounds like you took your maid for granted and he's off to greener pastures.

@Universalsnail if OP heads out the minute he's back from work, plus he has to the majority of chores and childcare, when does he get to socialise?

Good luck to the guy, I hope he finds some happiness with someone else.

Reading your posts and that of others I agree - you wanted your cake and eat it snd keep social life like before. That isn't reasonable when you have young kids and even more so you need to work harder at spending time together - you however prioritise your friends and social life. It's tye right thing for both of you sadly to split up as he is becoming a doormat and you are not prioritising alone time ( your point of what does he even want to do with me is telling). Its a shame ge works shifts as traffic doesn't help.. but I think you know where you went wrong. You want a more social life - you can have that if you split

I am not surprised at all

But you are prioritizing gym and your social life over spending quality time with your husband. No offense, but if you loved him, you’d miss him and want to spend free time together. The fact that you prefer gym and your friends over spending time with him speaks volumes.

Sad indeed! Especially when they’ve grown accustomed to two involved parents.

Does he also get to go out to see friends and to go to the gym or hobby as much?

In the nicest way possible, I'd look into therapy. You've been hurt and are now doing a sweeping, crude, untrue generalisation of all men.

Daddy issues rarely bodes well for any relationship you're wanting to have going forward.

I think you’re in shock. Happened to me. But really, do you love him? Your relationship doesn’t sound great. 3 yrs down the line and I’m much happier!!