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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends Will Disown Me if I Date Him Again

267 replies

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:23

Hi All

This is my first time posting on MN and I was apprehensive about it but here goes.

Im 37, never been married. Was engaged once but it wasn’t meant to be. No kids. I have had lots of involvement with my nieces and nephews though which is great.
Anyway I was dating a guy for nearly two years. He’s now 45 and divorced, one son who is nearly 20 but at university and doesn’t see him much.
I broke it off close on a year ago and just staying single. We never lived together but I spent a lot of time with him. He is a half hour drive away.
My mates can’t stand him because yes he’s very well educated and smart and sensible and a good business brain on him
but he’s always right. He’s a my way or highway guy and very stubborn. He doesn’t like doing anything that involves my friends or their partners. He’s quite judgmental and opinionated and kind of a snob only wanting to keep to his circle which is very small. He’s not a big social person at all. He has made comments that friends of mine are dumb as dog shit or gutter trash or beneath him. He criticises some of my family. He criticises me for a lot of things and would get frustrated that I wasnt listening to him on areas I need to change. He dislikes my nieces and nephews being around if he’s with me and has zero patience or interest in them. He criticises my work and compares my income to his and how many hours he works. He is very impatient and gets snappy fast and can let loose with verbal abuse of swearing at me and running me down which he won’t apologise for as it’s my fault apparently. He’s not the type to go out his comfort zone or compromise and doesn’t have a romantic bone. In the near 2 years there were no flowers or gifts or dinners. He is more a practical man.
We were arguing a lot and I felt like he was more critical of me than supportive and if I wasn’t valued I should leave.
He does have his good points and we had fun times the two of us. I guess a big part of me misses him. He wanted to keep in comms and we’ve talked a bit since the split. He’s been telling me he wants to give it another go. He said it’s not exactly me that he was frustrated with before, it’s more the people around me that annoy him
and he felt I should make better choices with who I am friends with and not look after my nieces and nephew so often.
Well - I’m torn between what I want to do but the biggest issue for me is literally all my friends as well as my sister are against me dating him again and several friends said they won’t hang out with me if he’s back in my life because he’s no good for me and they hated seeing me upset from the arguments with him plus knowing how cynical he is about them and others.
A few people think he is controlling and wants to isolate me from family and friends.
I’d be interested in outsiders opinions

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 03/10/2023 13:53

This shouldn't even be up for discussion. He doesn't value you, your friends or family. You would end up with no one but him. That's a miserable existence.

You simply deserve better

Cinai · 03/10/2023 13:53

From what you said I wouldn’t date him. It sounds like you have great friends and family who care about you.

LumpyPumpkin · 03/10/2023 13:54

Count how many of his good qualities you've listed in your post. Then count how many of bad qualities you've listed. That should tell you everything you need to know.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 03/10/2023 13:54

The Krays loved their mother, it's a pretty low bar.

BarelyCoping123 · 03/10/2023 13:55

There is nothing, NOTHING, good about this man or this relationship. Please for the love of all things holy, block his number, delete his number and never speak to this utter dirtbag again OP!!!

StaunchMomma · 03/10/2023 13:55

WAKE UP, OP!!!!

He has shown you, time and time again, who he is and who he is is AN ARSEHOLE!!

The only reason he's sniffing around again is because other women won't put up with his shit and he thinks you're dumb/desperate enough to take it.

He will never respect you, love you, support you or put himself out for you in any way. He will control, belittle and break you.

There's not a woman in the World who doesn't deserve better than twats like him.

afrikat · 03/10/2023 13:56

Good god please don't go back to this walking red flag

Dotty87 · 03/10/2023 13:56

Definitely don't go back, it sounds like you had a lucky escape before!
I wonder why you would consider getting back with someone like this? It might be beneficial for you to start therapy and work on your self esteem, there are other men out there. I'd rather be single TBH.

CC222 · 03/10/2023 13:56

I think maybe you should work on your self esteem while you focus on enjoying precious time with your family and friends, especially your nieces and nephews because they are so important and no normal person would say don't see them as much.
This guy is self absorbed, selfish, ignorant, entitled, controlling.. I could go on!
Don't be so desperate for love and attention that you put up with this guy again.
Work on yourself and being happy, because if you did value yourself more you really wouldn't get back with an absolute prick like this guy!
Listen to your family and friends, they have your best interests at heart, this guy doesn't...
hope you make the right decision for yourself...

Thoughtful2355 · 03/10/2023 13:56

I would be like your friends, he sounds abusive.... you cant be so desperate youd settle for an abusive shit?? Id be running and blocking and never having anything more to do with the guy

HernesEgg · 03/10/2023 13:57

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:49

This is why I’ve posted on here because I’ve not felt sure about him based on what I posted. But I needed to have advice from people who don’t know me. Outsiders looking in.
He works very hard. He takes good care of his mother who is widowed. He provides above and beyond for his son. He coaches boys rugby voluntarily. He keeps fit and healthy. He can have a great sense of humor. Very domesticated and never expected me to cook and clean for him. Can be very affectionate and caring - unless it’s an act. But then has the bad points I’ve stated which outweighed the good and made me break it off

‘He works hard, provides for his mother and child, is fit and healthy, and didn’t expect me to skivvy for him’ isn’t exactly a compelling rationale to get back with someone who swears at you, criticises you constantly, and is quite upfront about thinking you, your family and friends are really not up to his standards. But you might just be salvageable if you try hard, work on yourself, stop seeing your friends and family and always do exactly what he says.

NnarcissaMalfoy · 03/10/2023 13:57

Greenberg2 · 03/10/2023 13:39

He's not stubborn and opinionated, he's bullying and controlling.

Turn it around and think about how he would react if you spoke about his friends like he spoke about yours; if you were opinionated and judgemental about him and his friends; if you were unsupportive and critical; if you criticised and undermined him constantly; if you negatively compared his job and income?

He would of course hit the roof. Because he doesn't want an equal and loving relationship. He doesn't want someone who has strong boundaries and high self esteem. Why would you want anything less for yourself?

Just block him and put him on the absolutely no chance in hell pile.

This

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2023 13:57

Omg he's literally painted himself red, wrapped himself in a big red flag and rolled himself in pink glitter and you're STILL contemplating going back.

You've listed a million things about how he criticises you and puts you down and wants you to dump your friends and family.

Even now, no relationship involved, he's CRITICISING you - "it's not you, it's just all the decisions you make are wrong"

PLEASE bin him off and look at getting some sort of therapy because you clearly don't like yourself very much and feel it's ok to be treated like shit as long as someone is lying next to you at night

TheCatterall · 03/10/2023 13:57

never mind what your friends think….

where the hell is your self respect that you think dating him is a good idea.

he sounds awful and controlling. Sounds like he wants to alienate you from all your social circle so you only have him.

Pretend this is a man that an adult niece is dating. Read back your description of him. This is the man your beloved niece is with. Would you be happy? Worried for her?

frankly I’d rather be happily single than with that cretin.

block him. Move on with life. He adds nothing positive to your life.

AlohaRose · 03/10/2023 13:57

So to set off against his good points we have:

  • very stubborn
  • judgemental and opinionated
  • a snob
  • not social
  • comments that people close to you are gutter trash
  • criticises your family
  • criticises you
  • gets frustrated with you
  • tells you you need to change
  • criticises your nieces and nephews
  • tries to isolate you
  • criticises your work
  • makes you feel financially inferior
  • impatient
  • snappy
  • sweary
  • totally unromantic
  • never wrong
  • always someone else's fault

You are worth more than this OP. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Miriam101 · 03/10/2023 13:58

Come on OP- read your post back as if you were a stranger: there's absolutely no way anybody is going to say "yes he sounds like someone you should give another chance" !! Forget him and move on.

Original poster
Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:58

I will never give up my nieces and nephew for anyone. I’ve been so involved with all 4 since tiny babies. I love them as my own. And no I don’t want a wedge between my sister and myself nor a couple of my friends who are like family

OP posts:
Redskyatwhatever · 03/10/2023 13:59

Honestly if he were the only man available I would stay happily single for the rest of my life and invest in a good vibrator.

Tlolljs · 03/10/2023 14:00

Well there’s your answer then. Because he will try to make you give up your nieces and nephews. And put a wedge between you and your friends. He’s told you this, listen.

StarDolphins · 03/10/2023 14:00

Absolutely 100% I wouldn’t entertain a guy like this! Know your worth!

Nicole1111 · 03/10/2023 14:00

Your friends and family want to protect you from being in a controlling relationship with someone who tramples your self esteem and controls you. You should want that for yourself, even if whatever trauma bond you have means you’re drawn to him. You need to cut all contact, complete the freedom project course and do some self esteem work. The book overcoming low self esteem would be a good place to start

MariePaperRoses · 03/10/2023 14:01

Alienating you from friends and family is not good.

Let's suppose you were blissfully happy with him for five years. Just you and him but all your friends and family have fallen by the wayside and then he dies.

You are then on your own with no one to turn to.

But obviously you are not going to blissfully happy with someone who is a dictator.

He will be telling you which way to fold your toilet paper and how many sheets you can use.

Do not even contemplate being with someone who is deeply unpleasant.

Karatema · 03/10/2023 14:01

I only read half of your OP and thought "why would you?" Got to the end and thought "she has sensible friends".

I have a very opinionated DH and DS but they never swear or belittle me!

MoonShinesBright · 03/10/2023 14:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 14:01

Moohana86 · 03/10/2023 13:37

I’m not willing to give up my friends and family at all. Never said that. I said I’ve been on the fence with giving him another try but my friends are totally anti. Just getting opinions from posters here to see if they would take same stance as my friends.

He has made it clear that he'd like you to ditch your sister and friends. They are not unreasonable to consider this controlling behaviour and be against you going back there.

What has changed since your broke up? He is blaming the breakup on your friends and sister which is super unfair.

If you go back then you'll be returning to listening him bitch about your loved ones. Sit down and write out some of the comments that he made about your sister and friends. He's extremely nasty and has so many red flags that you could make bunting out of him.

I completely understand where your friends are coming from. Pick the people who are always there for you and not the person who is trying to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones.