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Original poster

DH not happy with the reality of family life?

136 replies

jamaisvu · 03/10/2023 09:45

DH and I have a 2 year old child much wanted and we had a long road and struggle to have them. DH has always wanted children, more so than me and was perhaps the main driving force in wanting to have them. He is 8 years older than me (now in his late 40's) and has always seen having children as the main way to bring meaning to his life.

We were so thrilled to finally have a child after tears of delay, trying to conceive and IVF that we both collapsed ourselves into parenthood prepared to just fully immerse ourselves in that experience. We had the usual struggles having a new baby causes and were both often very tired functioning on a minimum of sleep but it was fine and we both were totally in love with our baby.

Recently however DH seems to have begun to resent our child, I often feel like I can't leave him alone with DC too long or he will be in foul mood by the time I get back. DH is starting to get very rigid about our child's sleep routine and he gets very frustrated about their behaviour i.e. testing boundaries, repetitive behaviours, running about and creating general mayhem, just normal two year old stuff but he can't seem to cope with it.

I think the reality of having a child has really hit home for him now and he was saying how we won't have a decent holiday for years now and that so many of his plans are now on hold because he is too tired or occupied with our child to work on them. He is also back tracking on our previous plans to try for another baby from next year. I turn 40 next month and while I know it might not happen I really want to try for another child and at my age time is critical.

I feel frustrated because I think he expected a picture postcard version of family life (don't we all) that would make him feel happy and fulfilled forevermore but its obviously not always like that and you just need to get on with it and appreciate the good things when you can. Perhaps this is normal for parents and will pass as he comes to terms with the reality of life vs his imagined version of it?

OP posts:
Nelly10 · 03/10/2023 09:55

Unfortunately a lot of men can’t cope with the hum drum reality of daily life. With kids it’s 90% hard work, and it’s like that for a good while. Sorry op I don’t think having another child will make this situation any better only worst. He’s late 40s too so he’s obviously got set in his own ways. I see a lot of relationships really struggle when kids come along. I think you need to have a good chat with him to see what he thinks the future looks like. However you also need a supportive partner don’t try and do everything on your own.

Original poster
jamaisvu · 03/10/2023 10:11

@Nelly10 Thanks for replying. Perhaps he is a bit set in his ways but he has been talking about wanting a child ever since I met him, prior to us getting together as a couple even but yes its hard to conceive of just how relentless parenting is until you are in it.

I do see your point but I do feel like we owe it to our child to at least try for another baby while we still can. I don't know, but yes we do need to have a talk. I think we don't have much support outside of nursery a few days a week as we do not live near family, perhaps if we had the odd evening off together it would help.

OP posts:
Thewizardbinbag · 03/10/2023 10:16

There’s nothing else for it other than to have a really frank discussion, sometime when you have peace and quiet and aren’t both exhausted. Maybe the kid can stay at a grandparents or something for a night to give you the space you need to hash this out.

Pretty much say what you’ve said here, and really explain how it affects you because you’re scared to leave him alone with the child for too long… and he can’t be allowed to restrict your life that way when this is a joint pursuit.

You have to be very honest, and listen to the stuff he says as well as sharing your own thoughts. Get him to agree to listen to you etc.

Thewizardbinbag · 03/10/2023 10:17

And another child when you’re not enjoying being a parent is just a bad idea. You may have to accept that he does not want a second child, and you can force that.

Original poster
jamaisvu · 03/10/2023 10:21

@Thewizardbinbag To be clear I am not afraid to leave him with our child but more that if I do leave him alone for more than say a few hours I know he'll be grumpy and bad tempered by the time I get back and that will spoil what is left of the day usually until DC's bed time at least.

OP posts:
donkra · 03/10/2023 10:23

I do feel like we owe it to our child to at least try for another baby while we still can

Don't do that. Because it's bullshit. You want another child for you - your child doesn't need one. And your child needs parents who don't hate each other a lot more than a sibling.

StarryStarryNightColours · 03/10/2023 10:27

I remember reading on here that having a child is like throwing a hand grenade in to a relationship. As much as you can read up, babysit for others etc it is just no comparison. Should he step up ? of course he should. All you can do is talk about it and more than once, ongoing talks and see how it goes.

Mum at school had spent 7 years trying to conceive and had her one miracle IVF baby.I had conceived easily first time but struggled second. She had a long chat to me about the heartbreak and stress of IVF, we stuck at DS. If it means more IVF and all the stress that entails imagine the added stress to your life plus you will not be able to fully concentrate on the little on you do have.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/10/2023 10:28

donkra · 03/10/2023 10:23

I do feel like we owe it to our child to at least try for another baby while we still can

Don't do that. Because it's bullshit. You want another child for you - your child doesn't need one. And your child needs parents who don't hate each other a lot more than a sibling.

This.

Ihaveoflate · 03/10/2023 10:28

This happened to us - very similar story right down to our ages. Neither of us wanted another child, however, so he had a vasectomy.

Our marriage deteriorated because I started to see him in a different light and neither of us talked properly about any of it. His feelings of low self worth intensified, he disappeared into work. Eventually he had an affair and our family nearly imploded.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but I would advise trying everything you can to keep communication open and honest before resentment seeps in as it did for us (not always easy). And I definitely wouldn't be considering another child.

Beamur · 03/10/2023 10:33

donkra · 03/10/2023 10:23

I do feel like we owe it to our child to at least try for another baby while we still can

Don't do that. Because it's bullshit. You want another child for you - your child doesn't need one. And your child needs parents who don't hate each other a lot more than a sibling.

I agree with this totally. Children don't need siblings.
Your husband is struggling with one child.
I really do appreciate that time is not on your side though. It's possible your DH feels this too - he isn't getting younger and wants less tying responsibilities before he's too old.
Not every parent loves the baby years and the change of your lifestyle is significant.

Tricky conversations ahead.

Someshop · 03/10/2023 10:33

Have to disagree with this. There are so many benefits to having a sibling that are life long and last way beyond those first few years. For me that would override any grumpiness which will pass. It is a grind at times, no doubt about it but the good outweighs this. These years go in quick and tbh your freedom is already massively curtailed so 2 is not going to be that much of an adjustment if finances are in a good place.

Thewizardbinbag · 03/10/2023 10:35

Someshop · 03/10/2023 10:33

Have to disagree with this. There are so many benefits to having a sibling that are life long and last way beyond those first few years. For me that would override any grumpiness which will pass. It is a grind at times, no doubt about it but the good outweighs this. These years go in quick and tbh your freedom is already massively curtailed so 2 is not going to be that much of an adjustment if finances are in a good place.

Did you have a parent who didn’t want you?
Unless you experienced growing up with a parent who didn’t want you, and didn’t hide that fact, than you cannot say it’s totally fine to bring another child into this.

Beautiful3 · 03/10/2023 10:35

If this is how he's behaving, then I wouldn't have another baby with him. One child is a blessing and plenty for a single parent, should you part ways.

Original poster
jamaisvu · 03/10/2023 10:36

donkra · 03/10/2023 10:23

I do feel like we owe it to our child to at least try for another baby while we still can

Don't do that. Because it's bullshit. You want another child for you - your child doesn't need one. And your child needs parents who don't hate each other a lot more than a sibling.

We don't hate each other.

OP posts:
Someshop · 03/10/2023 10:38

Yes @thewizardbinbag. I actually did, thanks for asking.

The OP husband does not seem like he doesn't want the child, it looks like he is struggling with the adjustment and having to spend alot of time on someone else and not himself. It's a long way from throwing in the towel and abandoning your child. I know this from experiencing both.

Original poster
jamaisvu · 03/10/2023 10:38

@Someshop Thank you for this perspective, I agree having a sibling is a great gift to give a child, this is something me and DH have always agreed on. I am not saying I must have another child but to say it is purely a selfish choice kind of myopic.

OP posts:
HoHoHoliday · 03/10/2023 10:39

Lots of parents struggle with parenting, especially at the toddler stage, finding it not how they expected, and struggle with the loss of their previous non-parent life - mothers and fathers. The sad thing is, when mothers struggle they get offered support, whereas fathers often get labelled as bad grumpy dads.

Could your husband be suffering a bit of depression? Are there any local parenting groups he could join to meet other dads in his position? You say you have no family support but do you have anyone else or the means to pay babysitters to give both of you a break? Either separately or together.

I think adding a second child into the mix is a bad idea when one parent (either one) doesn't really want it. You don't owe your child a sibling, plenty of families have just one child perfectly happily. Both parents have to really want it for there to be more.

Crushed23 · 03/10/2023 10:40

donkra · 03/10/2023 10:23

I do feel like we owe it to our child to at least try for another baby while we still can

Don't do that. Because it's bullshit. You want another child for you - your child doesn't need one. And your child needs parents who don't hate each other a lot more than a sibling.

This.

It doesn’t sound like you should be adding another child into the mix. You need to work on your relationship and focus on how to improve things in your existing family. Sorry OP.

Someshop · 03/10/2023 10:42

@jamaisvu my husband struggled massively in the early days. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his child any less. He is very against another and I respect that but if you think your husband would in thr long term want another child and you are nearly 40 then it is definitely a conversation to have when you are not tired and to try and look at the impact of another child beyond the first few years.

MariaVT65 · 03/10/2023 10:42

Op i do understand as I have a son who is nearly 3 and the terrible twos have been really hard. Terrible sleep, repetitive weekends of park/soft play, not able to go to a restaurant with him, and a bad phase of hitting and throwing things (just at me). So I think your DH is reasonable to find this experience miserable.

This has also knackered me at the age 35, can’t imagine going through this over 10 years older. I would really carefully consider whether or not a second child is the right thing to do if your DH may be 50 by the time they are born. It will only get harder.

Definitely have a proper sit down with him to talk things through and so you know where you stand about having another child. It sounds like the priority may be seeing these months through and finding more ways to enjoy parenthood.

Original poster
jamaisvu · 03/10/2023 10:43

@Ihaveoflate This is an interesting take, he does have low self esteem and I think he did expect having a child to somehow give him clarity and motivation and I think he feels very frustrated that this hasn't happened and he has a history of fixating on something he thinks will make him happy and then when it doesn't happen he finds something else that he hopes might work. However he can't just drop a child because it wasn't as he imagined it would be.

OP posts:
SnapdragonToadflax · 03/10/2023 10:44

Someshop · 03/10/2023 10:33

Have to disagree with this. There are so many benefits to having a sibling that are life long and last way beyond those first few years. For me that would override any grumpiness which will pass. It is a grind at times, no doubt about it but the good outweighs this. These years go in quick and tbh your freedom is already massively curtailed so 2 is not going to be that much of an adjustment if finances are in a good place.

Utter rubbish. Children without siblings are absolutely fine and know no different.

YOU presumably have a good relationship with and see benefits of YOUR siblings. This is not the case for everyone, by a long way.

Original poster
jamaisvu · 03/10/2023 10:45

@SnapdragonToadflax Please can this not just be an argument between a having a sibling or not, that is part of the issue, not the whole thing.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 03/10/2023 10:46

This thread is being derailed by the sibling vs no sibling discussion.

The question is whether OP should have another baby with a man who is struggling with one baby. A different issue, I think.

needtofatoff · 03/10/2023 10:49

I am married to a man child too. My advice 16 years in is to keep pulling them up on it. You are not his fixer and he should model good behaviour and relationships for your child. My hisnabd is much better than he was because i won't stand for it.

I blame my mil. She has turned my fil into an incapable child who plays at being a dad when he feels like it- and i think this is what some men have had modeled in their own lives. Don't allow your husband to be like that to you.

You have to bring children into your life abd do the things you are interested in with them. Hopefully that is not just sitting in the pub or watching tv. My dad was a roofer and taught me to batton a roof when i was 8 years old. I realise now that was because my mum (a nurse) was at work so he had to take me but it didn't feel like that - it felt like he was bringing me into his life and showing me things. And at the end of the day he paid me! I am a lawyer now but some of the things he taught me to do have stayed with me and been v v useful but mainly he modeled good involved parenting and i felt wanted and capable not a hinderence.

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