DH not happy with the reality of family life?

[jamaisvu]

DH and I have a 2 year old child much wanted and we had a long road and struggle to have them. DH has always wanted children, more so than me and was perhaps the main driving force in wanting to have them. He is 8 years older than me (now in his late 40's) and has always seen having children as the main way to bring meaning to his life.

We were so thrilled to finally have a child after tears of delay, trying to conceive and IVF that we both collapsed ourselves into parenthood prepared to just fully immerse ourselves in that experience. We had the usual struggles having a new baby causes and were both often very tired functioning on a minimum of sleep but it was fine and we both were totally in love with our baby.

Recently however DH seems to have begun to resent our child, I often feel like I can't leave him alone with DC too long or he will be in foul mood by the time I get back. DH is starting to get very rigid about our child's sleep routine and he gets very frustrated about their behaviour i.e. testing boundaries, repetitive behaviours, running about and creating general mayhem, just normal two year old stuff but he can't seem to cope with it.

I think the reality of having a child has really hit home for him now and he was saying how we won't have a decent holiday for years now and that so many of his plans are now on hold because he is too tired or occupied with our child to work on them. He is also back tracking on our previous plans to try for another baby from next year. I turn 40 next month and while I know it might not happen I really want to try for another child and at my age time is critical.

I feel frustrated because I think he expected a picture postcard version of family life (don't we all) that would make him feel happy and fulfilled forevermore but its obviously not always like that and you just need to get on with it and appreciate the good things when you can. Perhaps this is normal for parents and will pass as he comes to terms with the reality of life vs his imagined version of it?

I do agree with what you’re saying and in most cases I would say the person who doesn’t want kids trumps the person who does.

But in this situation I feel it’s unfair if his feelings are based on not being able to go on a decent holiday or having to put his plans on hold, because that’s the same with 1 or 2 children.

There MAY BE benefits to it. Or it may make the existing child's childhood a hell of a lot worse. You can't predict what kind of relationship siblings will have but it's very easy to predict, in the OP's situation, what another child will do to the marriage.

In my experience there are benefits to it and that's what I'm speaking of - that's my truth - you can't predict but in my case it's truth and that's all I'm speaking from :-) not here to start a war, just alluding to what the OP has said that's she been criticised for which I didn't think was fair

He's not overfond of your toddler though, is he?
Why would he be any better with 2?

My kids were never 'friends'

And I never thought of siblings as 'gifts'. They were their own people and if siblings get on it's luck. Don't expect it

What benefits, exactly?

Doesn't do much for the DC either!

I married one of these... from staying in work to locking himself into the bathroom for ages , he did everything to avoid parenting. He was beyond selfish and shit useless/ wanted the social standing of marriage and kids but not the work involved.
Eventually he had an exit affair and doesn't see kids anymore.
Save yourself the heartache...

I didn't say they would be friends but its someone who shared your background and childhood, someone to talk to about your parents maybe even after they are gone. I have a good relationship with my brothers and sisters, most people I know do even if they aren't especially close they are still a positive.

Some people do not make good parents. These people are usually quite selfish and focused on themselves. If you push for another child be aware that most of the parenting will fall on your shoulders, alongside working and housework. Also not much fun for the child/ children having a misery guts of a dad. If he can't handle the baby years, God help him when they become teenagers.

I think I asked this on the wrong forum to be honest.

For my dcs? Is there any benefits? Well yes.

They played and were good friends when little. Then there was a bit more distance between them as teens, only to be close again as young adults.
Both dcs at Uni but they still organise to see each other whilst away from home (2 different towns).
They learnt from each other a lot. From learning social connexions to enjoying similar hobbies.

Do they sometimes get annoyed with each other! Hell yes. They are humans! Do you know anyone that you haven’t git annoyed with at all, ever? I don’t.

@1month

What then in your opinion should someone's reasons for not wanting children be? Should it only be on health grounds for example or through an altruistic desire to save the planet? Everyone is perfectly entitled to not reproduce. If they'd rather have a new sofa, flying lessons or spend every summer in the Bahamas that it is entirely their choice. To say he is wrong because he prioritises future holidays is silly. Why shouldn't he. Bringing up another human being isn't everyone's dream boat and it isn't compulsory. Besides, the world is groaning with humans already. He'd be doing us all a favour.

I don't know... both OP and DH are in their forties. You have to think ahead and being an only child when your parents get old/depart is rough. I understand how OP would think they owed it to their child to have a sibling. I'm alive because my mother wanted a second child so my sister wasn't alone in the world.

If DH's male menopause tantrum gets to decide that their child is an only child and OP won't at least get a say in a second child, resentment will fester. You could turn the subject on its head and ask: why should DH alone decide how many children they get? Why can he be allowed to be selfish?

OP your situation sounds very similar to mine. My DH was well into his 40s when we had our longed for DC. It had the same effect on him. I think that by that age he had become used to the freedom we had before DC. So although he loved the idea of them, the reality of them changed our reality completely. I threw myself into parenthood and loved every minute of it, he felt the DC was taking all of my time away from him. I think also in reality he was too old for it. I’m not saying all men in their 40s are too old, but I think my DH was. It did get easier as the DC got older, but our relationship was in a bad place for a very long time. It just wasn’t what he expected.

This is so so true. How do you think bringing another baby into this scenario will help, that only increases tiredness, stress etc. you need to have some child free time together to really have a serious discussion about his mindset towards your child. Sounds likely the reality of parenthood has hit him hard, versus expectation and especially given it was a long time coming. He needs to admit he’s struggling, there’s no shame in that. But you need to come up with a plan to improve things, for your child’s sake. And do not even consider TTC #2 until there’s some serious improvement

People here tend to be realistic and honest rather than "Go for it hun!" It's hard to take but surely for the best?

@jamaisvu MN is a bit of strange place.
Depending on how you are writing things, you can get extremely supportive answers or you can be slaughtered. It’s strange tbh.

Re the answers you’ve had, I think most people are looking at it from several years down the line. They see a man not coping. And they also have seen so many instances on here and in RL, where men like this have simply stepped back from being a parent because it’s too much hard work. This is where those answers come from.

re the situation right now, I’d start with having a chat with your DH about how he is finding it being a parent. I’d talk about how the toddler years can be the hardest (they were for me. Teenage years were a walk in the park). I’d talk about how you can parent that child, what values you want to teach him and how you’ll achieve that.
Just now you have the issue that you don’t parent the same way - let some stuff go, expectations levels are different etc…. and the fact toddler years are not easy.

And you have the fact he is getting resentful about the situation itself. It’s very easy to then fall into thinking it’s all the other parent fault because ‘if they were doing things wright/like me, it wouldn’t happen’. Same with catastrophising.

And finally You have the fact that having children DOES a huge impact in how much you can do (he is right there) and that you both threw yourselves into being a parent, prob forgetting who you were in the process. Maybe there is a need now that dc is bit older to take stock and organise things so you BOTH have time to be yourself/think about other projects etc…l

I don’t know how well you are communicating p. Maybe you can have a chat about all that together. Maybe you’ll find it easier with the help of a counsellor.

What, imo, shouldn’t happen is him withdrawing from being a father and its responsibilities (which is the aim of being so grumpy after being left in charge. So it doesn’t happen again) and you bring left with it all.
It’s very easy to fall into that pattern. I know I did. So keep an eye on it.

OP are you on the same page as your husband with regard to discipline, what to allow for food, bedtime etc?

you need to google for "deluded and desperate" if you want to find a forum where majority of posters will tell you that it's a great idea to have another child while your husband is already not coping with the one you have

unless you actually would rather be a single mother of two than work through your current issues in your marriage

It's hard at this age and it gets better when your first is a bit older than they are now – around 3/4 onwards.

I have a four year age gap for just this reason. Having a second makes it hard again because you're starting again plus you have an older child.

People think different things about siblings (usually based on their own experiences). Personally, I think they're usually a good thing and I would prefer my DC to have a sibling rather than not. There is no right answer to this question - it's a matter of preference just like some people would prefer to raise their kids in the countryside rather than the city and some parents would pay for private school and others would save for a house deposit. And there are many people who don't have any of these options open to them, and their kids are still happy and loved. So no one will ever "win" the sibling debate.

With that in mind, I honestly don't think the OP is wrong to want a sibling for her child. A sibling would be a potentially positive influence and companion in her child's life. Yes, it's not guaranteed but very few things are guaranteed in life.

As for the effect on your DH, OP, well he's not a great dad to even one child at the moment so he needs to sort himself out and learn some better coping strategies. Otherwise your real decision here is whether to be a single mum to 1 or 2.

It will get easier and, for most parents/children, the tipping point seems to be between 4-5. But he needs to work out a way to be an engaged and active partner and parent until then, otherwise you'll get through it but your relationship won't.

That isn't what I meant I should have asked on the parenting board, not the relationship one. I feel like people are projecting a lot into what I said which is fair enough but most responses aren't very helpful although some are and as a previous poster said a lot of replies seem toxic and I can't relate to what they say at all, they are too loaded with their own baggage (they can't see past their own issues or be objective) to be of any use. I don't know I guess mumsnet can be quite toxic in general.

except your problem is not to do with parenting but with a fact that your relationship is on the rocks because you became parents

but sure, everyone is just bitter and bias - but its you who is stuck with a husband who doesn't want to be a dad of one he has, let alone two

But this isn't an issue of parenting. Your relationship is the problem.

Mumsnet can definitely be toxic but this thread really isn't. You're just hearing some hard things.