DH not happy with the reality of family life?

[jamaisvu]

DH and I have a 2 year old child much wanted and we had a long road and struggle to have them. DH has always wanted children, more so than me and was perhaps the main driving force in wanting to have them. He is 8 years older than me (now in his late 40's) and has always seen having children as the main way to bring meaning to his life.

We were so thrilled to finally have a child after tears of delay, trying to conceive and IVF that we both collapsed ourselves into parenthood prepared to just fully immerse ourselves in that experience. We had the usual struggles having a new baby causes and were both often very tired functioning on a minimum of sleep but it was fine and we both were totally in love with our baby.

Recently however DH seems to have begun to resent our child, I often feel like I can't leave him alone with DC too long or he will be in foul mood by the time I get back. DH is starting to get very rigid about our child's sleep routine and he gets very frustrated about their behaviour i.e. testing boundaries, repetitive behaviours, running about and creating general mayhem, just normal two year old stuff but he can't seem to cope with it.

I think the reality of having a child has really hit home for him now and he was saying how we won't have a decent holiday for years now and that so many of his plans are now on hold because he is too tired or occupied with our child to work on them. He is also back tracking on our previous plans to try for another baby from next year. I turn 40 next month and while I know it might not happen I really want to try for another child and at my age time is critical.

I feel frustrated because I think he expected a picture postcard version of family life (don't we all) that would make him feel happy and fulfilled forevermore but its obviously not always like that and you just need to get on with it and appreciate the good things when you can. Perhaps this is normal for parents and will pass as he comes to terms with the reality of life vs his imagined version of it?

^^ this and I think there's quite a lot of men feel this way. What proportion actually do much 8n 5he way of parenting when both work FT?

Just give it time op. I found having a toddler harder than a baby. It is a hard slog. You have to discipline, not too much but still make them functional. It's whining and crying and them not being rational.
But it does get better.
They become people you cn have conversations with, share hobbies with, watch them develop and grow.
Having a date night or a hobby night once a fortnight might help. Can you get a babysitter?
Standing appointment with gran and gramps.

No it's not the point of the thread but I'm also in the sibling camp. And 2 is easier than 1 because they keep each other busy.

I also want to add it's harder to have babies later because of the adjustment. You've had longer to be 'selfish' and do what you want. Then it's a big change in freedom when the babies came. (as opposed to someone whose never had the time to develop a great many hobbies or a social life)

So I do think it will change for him!

That is exactly it, I never said it was on the rocks, that is pure projection like so many posts reading far beyond what I have said into their own lives.

Wish I didn't have a sibling. One of the most vile people I know!

oh sorry! i thought that saying one's husband downright resents his child and is perpetually grumpy and dissatisfied suggests that the relationship does in fact have some issues

if you think its all great then go ahead and have another - im sure he will simply resent this one too so nothing to worry about

Have you spoken to all people without siblings? How could you possibly know that all only children want a sibling?

Being nearly 50 and the parent of a 2 year old sounds bloody terrible. I'm sorry your DH couldn't foresee this. I'm 60 and being the parent of a 12 year old sounds appalling for all concerned. Please don't bring another child into the mix, doubling the stress in a few years time when DH will be even less able to cope.

Same here. I am NC with both my abominable sisters.
I also had a lovely sister who died.

I don’t think the board you’ve posted on Op is an issue tbh. Parenting and relationship issues go hand in hand when you’re a parent. It does sound like there are issues with both from your OP, it’s not just about your DH not enjoying parenting, but also how you communicate with each other, or how your happiness or relationship may be impacted by having or not having another child. PPs aren’t being toxic or projecting when they say the early parenting years can make or break a relationship, i believe there is data to back this up, along with people we know in real life.

As I said, i think the best thing to do is have a good talk with him, about his enjoyment of parenthood, and also about how this makes you feel and about a decision for a second child.

OP, the good news is that things will start getting better soon. Most 2 year olds are really hard work and it's not just your DH who has found having one much more difficult than he expected. I remember the first holiday I went on with toddler DS, I was really looking forward to a nice relaxing break and the reality was such a let down!

In my opinion things start getting easier from around 3yo. So not that long to wait. Your DH sounds like a bit of a catastrophiser (eg saying you won't have a decent holiday for years now - honestly it will get better and better).

(Although obviously if you have another you go back to square one.)

Yes obv it’s up to you and DH, OP, but I have to agree with this. Health issues tend to start increasing in your 50s, and people in their mid 60s want to think about retirement, not parenting teenagers. I would honestly consider this from your DH’s perspective as well.

He will be fine. You are going through a very hard phase. They get a lot easier and his love and patience will grow. Parenting a two year old is exhausting and constant.

time is the solution

Your new reality isn’t permanent or worse just different

dont forget to go on date nights etc

I don't understand the obsession with siblings or not.

The issue is that your DH is struggling and it's making him not want a second child. I don't think he's got a very realistic view of what parenting is, particularly at this age. 2 year olds are not particularly fun in a lot of ways. And as lots of other posters have pointed out, holidays etc are NOT the same at this age. He needs to realise this and accept it.

At the same time, be reassured that it does change - youhave to get through this part and ALSO lower your expectations and then, before you know it, you'll be sitting in a very odd fusion japanese/spanish restaurant in Barcelona, giggling inappropriately while even your 12 year old DS laughs at the ice cold red wine they're serving at EUR2.99 per glass and discussing whether Spanish style lamb chops and prawn tempura are a good combination!

I think 2 is such a generally tricky age - you've been through 2 years of really intense baby period and are STILL at the age where you have to think of everything for this tiny messy human (who obviously you love more than anything and is ridiculously cute but still...) and on top of that they don't appreciate any of it and have their own ridiculous wants and ideas about everything! I had one difficult non sleeping toddler (now 11) and currently have one relatively easy textbook 2.5 year old (sleeps well, still has a nap, eats well etc) so have experienced both sides of the toddler coin. It's intense and knackering regardless!

It sounds like your DH is just in the trenches a bit coupled with a fairly unrealistic expectation - that many of us have and I think it can hit worst on those of us who felt most enthused about having DC beforehand. I know I have struggled way more than I thought I would with the focus, intensity and multi tasking of it all. It IS mostly drudge work with moments of intense love and cuteness and hilariousness thrown in. But it does get easier. I don't really know the answer other than time and supporting each other but maybe it would help him to know it's totally normal to find it hard work.

I don't think finding age 2 difficult means you shouldn't have another. I have a huge age gap but they do love each other and play together. my DS would have loved a sibling closer in age to play with on holiday etc.

@Workawayxx Thank you so much for this reasonable and kind reply!

I agree with all of this.

We were probably fairly similar ages to you and your DH when our kids were born – now we have a 16yo and a 12yo and it's great and has been for years. You do get past the years when the kids sleeping is such a big issue - it's a distant memory now.

He seems depressed. Maybe some therapy would help as well as working on doing things together when possible. When children come along sometimes the relationship gets put on hold too much.

It may not be anything, but as a fellow IVF parent it might be worth thinking about the impact that infertility and IVF may still be having on you both and your relationship. When you have to fight to have a baby it’s so easy to not think about the reality of actually having one, and also much more time to build up those unrealistic ideas about what parent hood is like. Also when I’m having a bad day I still feel the guilt of feeling like I should be grateful, which can cause anger and anxiety. IVF can be very traumatic, and it maybe is another reason he doesn’t want to try again? The thought of going back into the ‘fight’. I could be way off the mark, but either way counselling would be a good thing.

@ByTheSeaCatsandAll Thank you that is a useful perspective to look at it from.

Please don’t have another child with him

I totally agree. They want the name father but not to actually be a father. No one realises how hard it is to bring up a child but women get on with it and a lot of dad's think it's a choice for them to do or not do. I wouldn't push yo have another child with someone who doesn't want one. Children are too much hard work for that.

Hmm your DH may well be feeling tired and may be finding this stage of parenting less rewarding than he imagined. However in the nicest way, he needs to man up. He would really be letting you, his child and himself down if he is not able to make an effort to improve this situation. I think you should try and choose a good time, when DH is perhaps better rested / more content than average, and take him to task on this. I mean fgs it’s ludicrous to suggest that having a small child means you can’t enjoy a holiday for decades, that’s just nonsense. Talk about how you both wanted a child and went through a lot, how happy you both are at child’s safe arrival, compliment him on anything he does well with child/in family life. Talk about your own hopes and dreams for the future in terms of possibilities. Perhaps don’t get sidetracked here on the next baby issue, better to try and get happier with the first one at the moment. Then express concern at his lack of patience you’ve noticed and tell him he needs to be more positive. Can he learn to play with your DC better so they both enjoy it? What ideas can you both come up with. How does he want his child to remember him? Encourage him to consider that yes there are difficulties with raising young children but there might be small adjustments which might improve things … what does he think would help ?
Control your own emotions and avoid this turning into an argument. If needed finish the conversation and return to it another time rather than let it get out of hand. Good Luck.

What was your DH upbringing like? Did his dad play a major parenting role?

I think it’s natural to find parenting hard. It’s full on especially when they’re 2. It’s also a bit of a drudge. Life can be like that but as an adult without or before kids you’ve got quite a bit of flex to balance the drudge with other things whereas with kids it’s not as easy.

Have you openly spoken to your husband about his moods?

When you've gone through fertility wars, it can be gruelling for both partners. DH felt that he had to be strong and upbeat for me, so never shared his feelings or fears or stresses until long afterwards. Then as soon as you get that long awaited positive you are straight into the fears and stresses of miscarrying, healthy baby etc, then labour, then you are right into the newborn-baby-toddler stage. So what might be 9 months plus the age of the child for most couples, IVF couples often have had several very stressful years prior to that.

My DS is lovely now, but the twos and threes nearly broke me. I'm very much someone who takes knocks on the chin and gets on with it but fuck me, it was really hard! Once he turned four though, it was like a different kid.

Does your DH see that it's just normal toddler stuff? I mean we chatter a lot to other mums who nod knowingly when talking about toddlers but I don't think dads always have as much of an opportunity to do likewise.