DH not happy with the reality of family life?

[jamaisvu]

DH and I have a 2 year old child much wanted and we had a long road and struggle to have them. DH has always wanted children, more so than me and was perhaps the main driving force in wanting to have them. He is 8 years older than me (now in his late 40's) and has always seen having children as the main way to bring meaning to his life.

We were so thrilled to finally have a child after tears of delay, trying to conceive and IVF that we both collapsed ourselves into parenthood prepared to just fully immerse ourselves in that experience. We had the usual struggles having a new baby causes and were both often very tired functioning on a minimum of sleep but it was fine and we both were totally in love with our baby.

Recently however DH seems to have begun to resent our child, I often feel like I can't leave him alone with DC too long or he will be in foul mood by the time I get back. DH is starting to get very rigid about our child's sleep routine and he gets very frustrated about their behaviour i.e. testing boundaries, repetitive behaviours, running about and creating general mayhem, just normal two year old stuff but he can't seem to cope with it.

I think the reality of having a child has really hit home for him now and he was saying how we won't have a decent holiday for years now and that so many of his plans are now on hold because he is too tired or occupied with our child to work on them. He is also back tracking on our previous plans to try for another baby from next year. I turn 40 next month and while I know it might not happen I really want to try for another child and at my age time is critical.

I feel frustrated because I think he expected a picture postcard version of family life (don't we all) that would make him feel happy and fulfilled forevermore but its obviously not always like that and you just need to get on with it and appreciate the good things when you can. Perhaps this is normal for parents and will pass as he comes to terms with the reality of life vs his imagined version of it?

Your 40 and your husband is 48. You have a 2 year old. Before you had a child you decided that you wanted 2 children. Your now 40 and you want another child. You present child does not need a sibling. At your age you have a higher chance of having pre eclampsia or a child with special needs. It's not fair to have a 2nd child in your current circumstances.
Meanwhile your husband is finding it hard going with a 2 year old.

I think that you need to chat to him about how things are at the moment for both of you. You need to acknowledge that it hard going at the toddler/small child stage.

Is he in bad form because he is finding it hard or perhaps he is a bit depressed.
I tell him he needs to visit the doctor, get blood test and a check up and possibly go on anti depressants. I would also tell him your child is 2 and you both need to figure out how to deal with tantrums, bed time ect and is not fair to be shouting at his child and taking his bad form out on you either.

Along with this you don't have much support and you probably don't have much free time as a couple.
Is their a college or university near you that offers courses in childcare or nursing or primary teaching? If you contact the college they might have pupils with experience and 1st aid to do some paid babysitting for you. They could enable you and your husband a bit of child free time.

I can understand why he might not want another child at his age when is finding hard going at the moment. When he is 60 his child will be 14 and he will be retired before his children is finished in university.

Rather than focusing on having a 2nd child you need to work with your husband to make life better for your child, you and him.

This shows how emotionally immature he is which would be very unattractive to me- not being able to cope and basically throwing tantrums because parenting isn't like the adverts, come on. It might get better when the child is a little older, some people just don't like the younger years. Sadly I agree that adding another child isn't a good idea.

Research goes completely against this theory that children are happier with siblings. Of course, there are many factors but having another child just to give first child a sibling isn't always the best reason.

I think people can only go off what you say OP, and when you say your DH has started to resent your child and you don't feel like you can leave your child with him without your husband becoming frustrated or grumpy, that is a signal that things are rocky. If they're not, then you know your relationship more than anyone else so don't take it to heart what people say.
Yes two is hard but all ages are magical and bloody difficult (sometimes simultaneously) and if your husband can't be left without getting grumpy then you at least need a conversation.

If he's in his late 40s then he's had decades to have 'a decent holiday,' especially if this is his first child. My parents are 50 and adore their granddaughter (my dd). However, they are also relieved they don't have to deal with anymore crying or waking up a few times a night to feed the baby. I know 40s isn't old, but I imagine it's decades of being set in your own ways and possibly resent change.

I agree totally with @Ihadenough22 -

I would imagine most of his mates with children are becoming grandfathers around now. All the fun - and then handing them back.

I really struggled for the first few years as well, Dh happily made every sacrifice and change required (similar he wanted kids more than me). It took time and it’s a lot better a few years down the road. He needs to understand that it won’t always be like this. Small kids are extremely hard work not all of us enjoy it. He needs to try to build a relationship with his child to start to be able to appreciate him. Whether thats reading together, taking him for a bike ride, teaching him something (this one really helped me connect).

Having said that I didn’t want a second and Dh respected that.

Not at all most of our (his and mine) friends have younger children tots to primary school age.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable for anyone to not want another child, but especially for someone of his age.

Assume you had another child when he is 50, he could go from having a dependent child at home straight to being elderly, without really having a gap to enjoy the childfree retirement phase of life while still (relatively) young & hopefully still fit & healthy.

I’m basing this on some men in my family who seem to have turned elderly almost overnight around age 70 & started having health issues etc, when your partner would potentially still have a kid at university.

(Appreciate some 70 year olds are still healthy & active, before someone jumps on me )

I often feel like I can't leave him alone with DC too long or he will be in foul mood by the time I get back.

So he's getting away with acting like parenting his own child is an imposition. I assume he feels he can leave you with DC as often as he likes for as long as he likes?

OP, while your DH may be struggling with how reality has not aligned itself perfectly with his expectations, he needs to stop making this difficult (and precious) time in your life all about him and his bloody feelings. I wouldn't bother trying to baby him through it, personally. I think you should tell him to grow up. This is what he wanted, and he needs to get on with it.